sleepingpills: (alert)
Declan Lynch ([personal profile] sleepingpills) wrote in [community profile] marlowemuses 2021-04-20 03:54 am (UTC)

Declan catches it in his mouth, but he doesn't swallow.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he rises without a glance at Gansey and goes to the bathroom, spitting the seed into the sink. It's slick and pearlescent against the porcelain, mixed with his saliva.

These gestures are automatic. He could do them in his sleep. Rinses his mouth, spits again. If his hand is shaking, he doesn't notice. Takes a toothbrush and toothpaste that don't belong to him and brushes his teeth.

He feels brittle and fragile in a way he's not accustomed to. Cold, like he could dissolve into helpless shivering at any moment. His control over himself is more tenuous by the second, and he holds onto it with all the more desperation because of that.

When he returns, he slips into his familiar role because it's what he knows. Easier to pretend that nothing has changed. Easier to not let himself be vulnerable. (He doesn't know how, anyway. He doesn't think there's anything beneath the veneer but broken glass. If he ever let anyone in, they'd only cut themselves on the wreckage of his soul.)

"There you go, Gansey boy. No longer a virgin. Feel different?" His tone is dry and flippant, as if he'd offered no favor more significant than sharing notes from a missed class.

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