Alec wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to react to being able to hold Adam. For years he'd had to keep some kind of mental distance from the person he'd been infatuated with. Hugging Jace had been more painful than a comfort unless there'd been a bad mission and they both needed to know that the other was alive. He'd always had to hide his feelings, making sure that the heartache he felt wasn't obvious to his parabatai.
He didn't have to hide from Adam. He could close his eyes and be himself. No walls keeping his emotions hidden from the person he wanted to touch. Relaxing into the contact, Alec couldn't quite believe that this was allowed. It felt strange and wonderful and completely beyond what he had believed he could have. He'd never thought he could hold someone - someone he chose not someone his parents wanted him to choose - and feel his heart race. He'd never thought it'd feel comfortable and intoxicating.
Alec almost got lost in the happiness caused by that choice and having the person he liked so close when he felt Adam shiver. For a moment, he held Adam tighter, silently reminding him that he was solid and there. Then he loosened his hold enough that if Adam wanted, he could pull free.
As soon as Adam began to move, Alec step away. He kept his posture relaxed as he watched Adam, trying to figure out if the flush on the magician's face was embarrassment or something else. He didn't look angry. Alec hoped he wasn't. He didn't want their first kiss to be followed by a fight.
He almost asked why Adam was sorry, but the rest of the explanation stilled his question. His chest ached as he realized what that meant. What it implied. By the Angel... He ignored that hurt, focusing on Adam instead. Catching his hand, Alec twined his fingers between Adam's. "There's nothing to be sorry for." Pausing, he searched for the right words. There probably weren't any but he tried to find something that would help. Or at least distract Adam from what had caused him to need to get away. "I'm not used to hugging someone that wants me the same way I want them."
no subject
He didn't have to hide from Adam. He could close his eyes and be himself. No walls keeping his emotions hidden from the person he wanted to touch. Relaxing into the contact, Alec couldn't quite believe that this was allowed. It felt strange and wonderful and completely beyond what he had believed he could have. He'd never thought he could hold someone - someone he chose not someone his parents wanted him to choose - and feel his heart race. He'd never thought it'd feel comfortable and intoxicating.
Alec almost got lost in the happiness caused by that choice and having the person he liked so close when he felt Adam shiver. For a moment, he held Adam tighter, silently reminding him that he was solid and there. Then he loosened his hold enough that if Adam wanted, he could pull free.
As soon as Adam began to move, Alec step away. He kept his posture relaxed as he watched Adam, trying to figure out if the flush on the magician's face was embarrassment or something else. He didn't look angry. Alec hoped he wasn't. He didn't want their first kiss to be followed by a fight.
He almost asked why Adam was sorry, but the rest of the explanation stilled his question. His chest ached as he realized what that meant. What it implied. By the Angel... He ignored that hurt, focusing on Adam instead. Catching his hand, Alec twined his fingers between Adam's. "There's nothing to be sorry for." Pausing, he searched for the right words. There probably weren't any but he tried to find something that would help. Or at least distract Adam from what had caused him to need to get away. "I'm not used to hugging someone that wants me the same way I want them."