marlowemuses | Written in the Stars

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Written in the Stars

It still felt incredible to Adam that he was here, on this starship, in a navigator's uniform. He tried not to gape openly as he made his way through the ship, following the map on his communicator to find the quarters that he'd been assigned.

He'd been born in the colonies, and had known want all his life. Testing into the navigator program--on a full scholarship--was a dream come true. Years of hard work and training and it still seemed surreal. But he was here. He'd made it. He was a navigator.

The door to his quarters opened with a touch, already coded to his fingerprint. The room was simple and utilitarian, but it had a private bathroom and there was plenty of space. In terms of what Adam was accustomed to in the colonies, this was luxurious.

Dropping his bag on the lower bunk, Adam sank down to sit on the edge of the bed, leaning back and closing his eyes for a moment. He drifted off almost immediately, chronically sleep-deprived by the level of training and study he required of himself in order to stay at the top of his class.

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He looked up at Adam. His vision wasn't hazy and Adam's face was clear and in focus, but the world still seemed like a blur. Real but not. In spite of the surreal moment, he knew that Adam was here. This solid and warm, living being beside him who somehow wanted to be with him.

And there he was, here but concentrating as always on that tablet. It reminded him of how he himself used to be. Virgil and Seneca and all the other philosophers he secretly still loved.

"I bet you were a nerd," he said at last.

“How dare you use the past tense,” Adam replied, not looking up. His fingers smoothed over Ronan’s brow and then lingered on the edge of Ronan’s cheekbone, mapping Ronan’s face with his fingertips. He could feel Ronan’s gaze on him, but it didn’t bother him any more than usual, though Ronan didn’t seem entirely lucid. He tracked his fingers down the sharp edge of Ronan’s nose, hesitating for a moment at the tip as he realized that the trajectory had brought him to Ronan’s lips.

"A bigger nerd." Though Ronan wondered if it might be the other way around. That would be impressive given how little there was to read here unless navigators had even more privileges than he'd thought.

He closed his eyes. He sighed as Adam drew his hands over his face. There was no pain with this like there had been with the kissing. Just gentle touches. When Adam stopped, Ronan tilted his head back so his lips brushed against his fingers.

Adam smiled, cheeks flushing, as Ronan’s lips touched his fingers. He traced the outline of them, feeling the soft warmth of Ronan’s mouth against his fingertips. It was chaste, and yet there was something searingly erotic about it. Adam had to shift slightly as his cock gave a little throb. He unbent one of his legs, stretching it out as subtly as he could while his fingers kept teasing sweetly at Ronan’s lips.

Ronan relaxed back against the mattress. With the painkillers he no longer felt as sore but he didn't have the drive to do more than kiss Adam's fingers. When he lay back, he let Adam's hand rest over him.

"Mm. You still have calluses."

"Shh, you'll give away my secret that I used to be less of a nerd," Adam said, cupping his hand around Ronan's cheek and settling in to read. He felt utterly content like this, keeping watch over Ronan, who wanted to kiss him. His fighter. His friend. Maybe even something more.

"What, just cause you used your hands? I did that and I was a nerd."

Ronan didn't realize he probably should've used a more specific phrase than just "use your hands," especially considering where Adam's hands had been. But then he'd forgotten to pretend he'd ever been anything other than the cold bastard he was. He was too busy curling against Adam.

"You're admitting that you were a nerd?" Adam asked, smiling fondly as Ronan scooted closer. "What about your tough reputation?"

His hand stayed on Ronan's cheek, caressing soothingly along the edge of his cheekbone. "Get some more sleep, baby. I promise to stay by your side."

"Not your baby," Ronan grumbled unintelligibly as he fell asleep, curled up next to Adam.

He kept drifting in and out of consciousness but it took him a while before he bothered to open his eyes. He cautiously stretched his stiff limbs. Either his healing was progressing rapidly or the pain killers were doing a hell of a job. It sure felt like they were.

"You're still here?"

"You didn't think I'd be good on my promise?" Adam teases him, setting aside his datapad now that Ronan's awake. Bending over, he kisses Ronan gently, smiling fondly down at him for a moment before scooting down to lay beside him. "How are you feeling?"

Ronan paused to consider the question and also gather his thoughts. If he tried hard enough, surely he could get something coherent out of them.

"High as fuck," he said decisively.

It surprised a laugh out of Adam, which was turning out to be something Ronan was good at. Adam wasn’t sure when the last time was that he had laughed before meeting Ronan. Settling on his stomach, Adam propped himself up on his elbows, watching Ronan with a wry smile. “Better than in pain,” he said. His stomach gave a surprisingly pleasant twist as he looked at Ronan. He was so handsome, even now when he wasn’t at his best, and Adam admired him and felt proud of him so much that he ached with it.

"Depends on which is more embarrassing." Usually being high fell into that category, going by what he'd seen. It was worse than being drunk, but he was biased there.

He looked at Adam. He even managed to focus on him. "You won't tell, right?" Now he was teasing. His voice was more relaxed, more so than his muscles and they were about to melt.

“Tell what?” Adam murmured, voice and smile soft as he watched Ronan. There was something about Ronan—a lot of things about Ronan—that brought out a side of Adam that he’d never known was there. He wasn’t on any of the painkillers in Ronan’s system, but he still felt like he was glowing.

Surging forward, Adam kissed him, careful but still full of longing. Ronan made him feel impulsive, and Adam wanted to kiss him forever.

Under different circumstances, Ronan would have loved to continue the kiss for hours and do more yet. But while his body no longer felt the sharp pain, it was there. He was drained and sluggish. His kiss was lazy, no matter how he tried to focus. When it came to a longing for intimacy, his instincts blocked him from yearning for more than a few soft but searching touches. (He did love Adam's hands.)

He pulled away after a few moments. "I don't think I'm gong to be up for this for a while."

It figured. He'd waited and now when he could have him, he was unable. Hopefully Adam would understand. "That alright?"

"There's no rush," Adam said, though he wasn't quite sure what was and wasn't encompassed by 'this'. He watched Ronan, wary of rejection or criticism but still wanting desperately to be close beside him.

Words and insecurities crowded on his tongue, choking him, and it was a struggle to get any of them past his teeth. "Do you want me to not kiss you?" he asked, trying to make sense of the boundaries and whether he'd crossed them.

Ronan stared at him in confusion and for a while that's all he did before he realized he hadn't actually said anything, only thought about speaking.

"Yeah, yeah of course! Just-- my body's sort of decided--" Oh God, he could not say what first came to mind. He was not ready to talk about lust and libido and-- whatever. "I don't know, that barely moving is the best idea. It's nothing to do with you. It's just some healing bullshit or something."

Ronan stroked one finger over Adam's hand, to show that he wanted him here, but mostly because he just wanted to.

"Barely moving is the best idea," Adam confirmed, resting his hands lightly on Ronan's chest to encourage him to stay down. "You're healing. I don't expect anything more."

Adam's heart still ached, though, as he started realizing just how much he wanted to be able to keep kissing Ronan, and how much it would hurt him if Ronan didn't want the same. He stroked his fingertip over Ronan's in return, trying to remind himself that he was used to living without touch and affection, and it would just be like nothing had changed.

Ronan stared at Adam. He was pretty sure he wasn't hallucinating the vulnerable look on his face, one that made him want to touch Adam's cheek. He reached for him slowly. It didn't really hurt if he took it slow. he finally managed to brush his hand against him.

"Are you alright?" he asked cautiously. "I don't mean physically."

He had no idea how welcome that question would be. They didn't really talk about these sort of things, but if this would go anywhere they'd have to. Ronan wanted to.

“I’m fine,” Adam said, pressing his own hand over Ronan’s to clasp it to his cheek. Then he lowered Ronan’s hand again, laying it carefully by his side. He didn’t know how to talk about his emotions, and it was easier to avoid thinking about it. Adam didn’t think he was fine, and didn’t think he ever had been, really. But right now, all he wanted was to be by Ronan’s side. He wove their fingers together, gazing at their hands and staying quiet.

Ronan looked at Adam. Before he could think better, he came out with it. "Is that a lie?"

He tried to remember if he'd mentioned how much he hated liars, provided it wasn't due to lies of omission. Ronan quite excelled at that, which was possibly why it was so hard to actually talk to Adam now. That and having been impaled.

Adam frowned at the accusation, brow furrowing. He was hurt by it, because he hadn't meant to deceive Ronan or obscure his feelings, and his response had seemed as accurate as he could be.

Talking about his emotions was difficult at best, and Adam had never tried before. He barely understood what he felt, and he didn't know how to put it into words, but now that Ronan had asked if he was lying, Adam had to manage something.

"I didn't mean it to be," he said, voice shaky with more hurt and vulnerability than Adam had meant to reveal. "What does 'alright' feel like?"

He took his hand back, struggling to make sense of his own emotions so that he could offer a better answer and to deal with Ronan's question on top of that.

However upset he might have been at being lied to, he forgot it at that question. He had never asked himself that but he understood the feeling behind it because he himself had no idea. It wasn't that he had no memories of his childhood. But it was all so fleeting and dream-like. None of it felt real anymore.

"I don't remember," he said. "I think it's like you're not angry or sad all the time. It's been a while since my dad died so it's pretty--" he drifted off when he realized what he was saying.

Should he shut up? He felt like this was when he normally shut up.

"Yeah, I don't know that feeling," Adam confirmed. He still felt hurt and defensive from Ronan asking if he was lying when Adam hadn't know how to process or express what he felt, but he didn't want to pull away. He liked Ronan's warmth at his side, and he felt safe beside his fighter.

"It's not a remembering for me." He felt like he was choking on each word, struggling to confess anything about himself, but he pushed forward. "I've never known that feeling. Scared, too. Angry, sad, or scared. Never... whatever it feels like not to feel those things."

Ronan didn't know how to respond to that. Hell, he didn't know what to make of it. He might not truly remember what it was like to be happy but he knew he'd had it. He remembered laughing and joking and playing. He even remembered a few moments when Declan didn't hate him or at least forgot that he did.

He stared at Adam, curious and a little concerned. He reached up with his hand and let it hover in the air, waiting to see if Adam would take it again. His body might be pressed against Adam, but without their hands linked he felt-- something. Empty?

"Why?" he asked.

Written in the Stars

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