marlowemuses | Written in the Stars

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Written in the Stars

It still felt incredible to Adam that he was here, on this starship, in a navigator's uniform. He tried not to gape openly as he made his way through the ship, following the map on his communicator to find the quarters that he'd been assigned.

He'd been born in the colonies, and had known want all his life. Testing into the navigator program--on a full scholarship--was a dream come true. Years of hard work and training and it still seemed surreal. But he was here. He'd made it. He was a navigator.

The door to his quarters opened with a touch, already coded to his fingerprint. The room was simple and utilitarian, but it had a private bathroom and there was plenty of space. In terms of what Adam was accustomed to in the colonies, this was luxurious.

Dropping his bag on the lower bunk, Adam sank down to sit on the edge of the bed, leaning back and closing his eyes for a moment. He drifted off almost immediately, chronically sleep-deprived by the level of training and study he required of himself in order to stay at the top of his class.

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“Tell what?” Adam murmured, voice and smile soft as he watched Ronan. There was something about Ronan—a lot of things about Ronan—that brought out a side of Adam that he’d never known was there. He wasn’t on any of the painkillers in Ronan’s system, but he still felt like he was glowing.

Surging forward, Adam kissed him, careful but still full of longing. Ronan made him feel impulsive, and Adam wanted to kiss him forever.

Under different circumstances, Ronan would have loved to continue the kiss for hours and do more yet. But while his body no longer felt the sharp pain, it was there. He was drained and sluggish. His kiss was lazy, no matter how he tried to focus. When it came to a longing for intimacy, his instincts blocked him from yearning for more than a few soft but searching touches. (He did love Adam's hands.)

He pulled away after a few moments. "I don't think I'm gong to be up for this for a while."

It figured. He'd waited and now when he could have him, he was unable. Hopefully Adam would understand. "That alright?"

"There's no rush," Adam said, though he wasn't quite sure what was and wasn't encompassed by 'this'. He watched Ronan, wary of rejection or criticism but still wanting desperately to be close beside him.

Words and insecurities crowded on his tongue, choking him, and it was a struggle to get any of them past his teeth. "Do you want me to not kiss you?" he asked, trying to make sense of the boundaries and whether he'd crossed them.

Ronan stared at him in confusion and for a while that's all he did before he realized he hadn't actually said anything, only thought about speaking.

"Yeah, yeah of course! Just-- my body's sort of decided--" Oh God, he could not say what first came to mind. He was not ready to talk about lust and libido and-- whatever. "I don't know, that barely moving is the best idea. It's nothing to do with you. It's just some healing bullshit or something."

Ronan stroked one finger over Adam's hand, to show that he wanted him here, but mostly because he just wanted to.

"Barely moving is the best idea," Adam confirmed, resting his hands lightly on Ronan's chest to encourage him to stay down. "You're healing. I don't expect anything more."

Adam's heart still ached, though, as he started realizing just how much he wanted to be able to keep kissing Ronan, and how much it would hurt him if Ronan didn't want the same. He stroked his fingertip over Ronan's in return, trying to remind himself that he was used to living without touch and affection, and it would just be like nothing had changed.

Ronan stared at Adam. He was pretty sure he wasn't hallucinating the vulnerable look on his face, one that made him want to touch Adam's cheek. He reached for him slowly. It didn't really hurt if he took it slow. he finally managed to brush his hand against him.

"Are you alright?" he asked cautiously. "I don't mean physically."

He had no idea how welcome that question would be. They didn't really talk about these sort of things, but if this would go anywhere they'd have to. Ronan wanted to.

“I’m fine,” Adam said, pressing his own hand over Ronan’s to clasp it to his cheek. Then he lowered Ronan’s hand again, laying it carefully by his side. He didn’t know how to talk about his emotions, and it was easier to avoid thinking about it. Adam didn’t think he was fine, and didn’t think he ever had been, really. But right now, all he wanted was to be by Ronan’s side. He wove their fingers together, gazing at their hands and staying quiet.

Ronan looked at Adam. Before he could think better, he came out with it. "Is that a lie?"

He tried to remember if he'd mentioned how much he hated liars, provided it wasn't due to lies of omission. Ronan quite excelled at that, which was possibly why it was so hard to actually talk to Adam now. That and having been impaled.

Adam frowned at the accusation, brow furrowing. He was hurt by it, because he hadn't meant to deceive Ronan or obscure his feelings, and his response had seemed as accurate as he could be.

Talking about his emotions was difficult at best, and Adam had never tried before. He barely understood what he felt, and he didn't know how to put it into words, but now that Ronan had asked if he was lying, Adam had to manage something.

"I didn't mean it to be," he said, voice shaky with more hurt and vulnerability than Adam had meant to reveal. "What does 'alright' feel like?"

He took his hand back, struggling to make sense of his own emotions so that he could offer a better answer and to deal with Ronan's question on top of that.

However upset he might have been at being lied to, he forgot it at that question. He had never asked himself that but he understood the feeling behind it because he himself had no idea. It wasn't that he had no memories of his childhood. But it was all so fleeting and dream-like. None of it felt real anymore.

"I don't remember," he said. "I think it's like you're not angry or sad all the time. It's been a while since my dad died so it's pretty--" he drifted off when he realized what he was saying.

Should he shut up? He felt like this was when he normally shut up.

"Yeah, I don't know that feeling," Adam confirmed. He still felt hurt and defensive from Ronan asking if he was lying when Adam hadn't know how to process or express what he felt, but he didn't want to pull away. He liked Ronan's warmth at his side, and he felt safe beside his fighter.

"It's not a remembering for me." He felt like he was choking on each word, struggling to confess anything about himself, but he pushed forward. "I've never known that feeling. Scared, too. Angry, sad, or scared. Never... whatever it feels like not to feel those things."

Ronan didn't know how to respond to that. Hell, he didn't know what to make of it. He might not truly remember what it was like to be happy but he knew he'd had it. He remembered laughing and joking and playing. He even remembered a few moments when Declan didn't hate him or at least forgot that he did.

He stared at Adam, curious and a little concerned. He reached up with his hand and let it hover in the air, waiting to see if Adam would take it again. His body might be pressed against Adam, but without their hands linked he felt-- something. Empty?

"Why?" he asked.

Adam considered the question, though he didn't know how to answer it. Why didn't my parents love me? Because I'm worthless. Why haven't I ever felt happy? Because I'm broken.

Trying to come up with an answer he could bear to give was excruciating, and Adam gave up on it quickly enough, nestling against Ronan's side and pressing his face to Ronan's good shoulder. He watched Ronan's hand for a minute before taking it, pressing Ronan's hand back down so he wouldn't strain himself. Squeezing Ronan's hand once, Adam kept their fingers entwined, breathing slowly as he curled close against Ronan's side. The closest he'd ever felt to being okay was when he was with Ronan. Adam just wanted to be able to enjoy it while he could, before Ronan realized that Adam wasn't worth caring about or, worse, before the war took Ronan away from him.

Ronan should have known better. Some questions just couldn't or shouldn't be answered. He squeezed Adam's hand back instead of pressing the issue.

"Forget I asked."

Ronan pressed as close to Adam as he dared and closed his eyes. Were he more alert, he'd be trying to conjure up some good idea as to just what happened. He'd probably still fail. As it was, he couldn't get his mind to focus on any image and felt no desire to try.

“With you,” Adam said at last, after a long enough pause that he wasn’t even sure if Ronan was still awake enough to hear it. He rubbed his thumb against Ronan’s, glad for his presence. “When I’m with you, I don’t feel scared.” He knew that Ronan wouldn’t let anything hurt him. Ronan had already protected him, and Adam trusted that Ronan would never hurt him. He felt less sad with Ronan. Less lonely.

Adam wondered if that qualified as love, or if it would at least count as the nearest thing Adam could offer.

Ronan's lips twitched but he didn't laugh. "Huh. Usually I try to scare everyone." He started to open his eyes but it was not worth the struggle. He lay still, soaking up more and more of Adam's warmth. "But not with you. I just want you to be-- I don't know. I don't want you to look at me like that."

He didn't move much now aside from his fingers rubbing against Adam's. Most of his energy now went toward talking and trying to stay awake. He couldn't fully appreciate pressing against Adam when he was asleep.

"Why are you different? Why don't I scare you?" What he really asked himself was why did he feel this way about Adam? And why did Adam feel-- whatever he felt-- about him?

"Oh, that's easy," Adam said, quietly but with a little hesitation, not that easy after all. "Because you try to protect me. You're intimidating, but you don't actually want to hurt me. You want to pick fights, but you don't hit anyone who doesn't hit back. So I know you won't hit me."

His grip tightened on Ronan's hand, eyes closing. "My dad used to hit me," he confessed. "He's the reason I'm deaf in one ear."

Adam shuddered, pressing his face into Ronan's shoulder and wanting to lose himself in Ronan's warmth. "I'm scared of men like that. I was scared of that fighter that you protected me from in the corridor, who just wanted to use me for whatever he could get. You... you're the one who wants to protect me from men like that."

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Written in the Stars

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