marlowemuses | The One Secret I Never Told You

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The One Secret I Never Told You

Ronan was coming home.

He'd sent ahead, Adam supposed. Letter or telegram. And he'd said... what? Adam had no idea. No one had even bothered to tell him. He'd overheard some of the other servants discussing preparations.

That stung, though it shouldn't. He'd always known that their childhood friendship was temporary. Illusory. He'd been a bauble to Ronan, a friendship that came easily and could be cheaply kept.

And when Ronan had been old enough, he'd left. That made sense, too. His father's death, the upheaval of his life, the culmination of the conflict between Ronan and Declan.

What hurt was that he hadn't needed Adam anymore.

Squeaks and whispers preceded the general bustle of servants toward the main hall. Adam stayed out of the way, stealing toward an upper window to catch a glimpse. He wouldn't be missed among the larger array of servants. He was only an under-footman, after all.

Hidden behind a lace curtain, Adam peeked out to watch as Ronan descended from the coach. He'd grown. Taller than Adam remembered. His charming black curls were gone, shorn to a short bristle. The man he'd become was someone handsome and commanding, drawing attention like a thunderstorm.

Adam's heart thudded, then clenched.

Oh.

He'd hoped, all those years, that ignoring his childhood crush would make it go away. That Ronan's distance would make Adam forget him, so that he could focus once and for all on his career. His career, which was the only thing that mattered. The only thing he had left.

Seeing Ronan brought it all back, with more intensity than ever.

Adam was in love with him. And always had been.

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Adam sat beside him, curling one arm around Ronan's head so that when he fell back onto the mattress, he pulled Ronan down with him.

Tangling close, he tucked his head against Ronan's throat again, winding their legs together and clinging to him. Ronan was his. He'd always known that Ronan was his, always intended it, but he hadn't ever really believed it to be true.

He held Ronan close, focused on Ronan's breath and heartbeat, until a rap at the door made him pull away, standing upright and to one side, eyes averted like an obedient valet.

It was a time of pure bliss.

Tangled together with Adam. Hearing his heart beat, the soft sound of his breath, legs pressed close like they were one living thing. It was the most comfort Ronan had felt in years; he closed his eyes in it, sliding his arm around Adam's waist to pull him in tighter.

So when the knock at the door came and Adam was out of his arms, he cursed under his breath, feeling like something important had been torn away.

Ronan stood. It was a quick exchange; he was curt, taking in the tray of food and bottle of wine, silently tipped the maid, and then closed the door and locked it behind her.

She didn't deserve the attitude, especially since she had done a good job in setting up their dinner. The bread was clearly freshly baked and smelled heavenly. The cheeses were cleanly sliced and arranged to be aesthetically pleasing, and there was such an array of died meats that she clearly had to go out of her way to do it. But Ronan didn't care. He'd been in Adam's arms and she distracted from that.

Popping the cork on the bottle, he poured two glasses of wine, and took a swing of his. It was dry, a little sweet, and felt good going down his throat.

Adam sat again on the side of the bed, hauling off his boots and tucking them under the bed. He stripped down to his undershirt and drawers, going over to the fireplace and banking it up so that he wouldn't get cold.

Then he accepted the glass of wine and sat down on the bed, curling his knees up to his chest. "Can we eat in bed?" he asked, sipping at the wine. The liquid was soothing, partly from the luxury of it and partly from the way that the alcohol fuzzed at the edges of his senses, effecting him almost immediately on his empty stomach.

"Yeah," Ronan nodded, grabbing the tray and sliding into bed next to Adam. He had seen the man in his undershirt and drawers before, but like this... he was very aware that Adam Parrish was in his undershirt and drawers. And what was under even that.

He took another swig of wine and let that fuzzy, warm feeling ebb over him. The most he'd kicked off were his shoes and the jacket from before, remaining otherwise dressed, for now. Idly, he imagined Adam's hands on him, sliding underneath his shirt or undoing his pants...

Flushing, he took a bite of bread and licked the crumbs from his fingers.

"I was thinking," he said, softly, "that we should get you a horse. If you think you'd like to try raising one."

Adam nestled close to him, resting his head on Ronan's shoulder and pulling Ronan's arm around his waist for warmth. Nodding dazedly in response, Adam picked at the food, most interested in the wine. When the room started spinning, he let Ronan take his goblet, nibbling at the food until he drifted off against Ronan's shoulders, utterly exhausted by the emotional intensity of the past few days.

"Okay," he murmured, putting the goblet aside and putting his with it once he'd drained it of all its wine.

And he settled down onto the bed nicely, stroking Adam's hair with his fingers when the man fell against his shoulder. It took Ronan a very long time to sleep, even with the wine buzzing in his system; he was content to listen to Adam's breath, the thud of his heartbeat in a silent room, before he finally managed to close his eyes.

It had been a rough few days. At last, they could rest.

Adam pressed close against him, asleep but still in desperate need of warmth and love. He shifted, arms hugging around Ronan's waist, refusing to loosen his grip as he clung to his beloved.

When he woke, it was hazy twilight, and Adam couldn't tell if it was night or morning. He felt dizzy and disoriented, in a strange bed, a strange place, somewhere between rested and exhausted. Ronan was the only surety, the center of his universe as always. Sighing deeply, Adam lifted his head, studying Ronan's face as his heart thudded with need and disbelief.

Ronan continued to dream, having only managed to finally fall asleep a few hours ago. In his dreams he saw his father, saw his mother, saw Adam. Twisting phantoms and ghosts, a gentle smile and smooth hands. In the dream, Adam traced along his tattoo and kissed it. It was innocent yet so very sexual at the same time, making Ronan shiver and close his eyes, melting into every touch the dreamed Adam gave him.

When he finally did crack his eyes open, it was because his mouth was dry and he was in need of water.

"Mm...?" He murmured lightly, still a bit out of it, glancing over at Adam.

Adam tilted his head, kissing just behind Ronan's ear, with Ronan's short-cropped hair tickling at his nose. "I love you," he murmured, making it a secret for them alone.

"What time is it?" he asked, returning his head to Ronan's shoulder and rubbing his hand over Ronan's chest, feeling how solid and warm he was. Real. This wasn't a dream. Ronan was really his. "You're still fully dressed."

A secret Ronan would keep close to his heart forever.

The sensation of Adam's hand running over his chest was nothing short of incredible. Soothing, warming. A rumble came from his chest, a pleased sound, not unlike a cat being stroked in just the right away.

"Yeah. Forgot to take them off." Yawning, he stretched out, resting his arm around Adam's waist. "Dunno. Early... don't think the sun is up yet." A glance toward the window with no break of sunlight from the curtain proved that theory.

"Not tired anymore?"

"Guess I didn't give you much opportunity to undress," Adam said, smiling contentedly. His fingers found one of the buttons on Ronan's waistcoat and unfastened it, lingering over the button and the fabric beneath.

"Still tired. Dizzy. Content, though. It's not the painful exhaustion I'm used to. Just sleeply."

A single fingertip stroked at Ronan's shirt, pleased by the texture of the fabric.

The mild touches were soothing. Ronan closed his eyes and inhaled, relaxing in Adam's presence, only opening his eyes again because he wanted to see him.

"No more painful exhaustion," he murmured, reaching out and brushing his knuckles along the curve of Adam's cheek. "Never again. We'll always be together, now... and that's something I can't abide by."

He didn't care what anyone thought. Never had. Gently, his fingers found their way to Adam's hairline and he traced along that, admiring the way he'd grown into manhood. Throat growing tight and lips pressed into a line, he studied Adam's face, "... I'm sorry." He could count the amount of times he genuinely apologized to anyone on one hand. Yet, in this he truly had regret, of all the mistakes he'd made ... leaving Adam had been the gravest.

"I know," Adam said, hugging his arm tightly over Ronan's chest and tucking his nose against Ronan's cheek. "And I know you mean it. I don't forgive you yet. I was in pain for a long time, and you were gone. It's going to take time for me to heal."

Smiling sadly, Adam kissed his cheek, then scooted back just enough so he could study Ronan's face in return, entranced by the beauty of him.

"I know," he said, watching Adam with large, clear eyes. "You can forgive me when you're ready. If you're ever ready. But you should hear it. You deserve at least that much. Don't think about saying you have until you mean it."

Forgiveness wasn't something he really expected; Ronan was an honest creature, even to himself. Maybe one day Adam would really forgive him—anything sooner, and Ronan probably wouldn't even believe it. Even so, he was... all right with that. Adam shouldn't forgive him until he was every inch ready to—doing so was a comfort only to Ronan, and Ronan wasn't the one who needed it. The fact that Adam didn't hate him was blessing enough.

"Okay?"

Adam's smile warmed, losing some of the sadness. "Promise," he said, happy knowing that he could be honest with Ronan and be loved for it. "I don't forgive you. But I do love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life by your side."

Grinning, Adam kissed Ronan's jaw, then his lips. Finally they were safe. Finally they had time. Adam wanted to kiss him for an hour. Maybe three.

"That's what I want too."

He managed to murmur that, a breath above a whisper, before Adam kissed him. With Adam, he could be a better version of himself. While he could never go back to the happy, carefree youth he'd been before his father's murder... with Adam, he didn't have to be the self-loathing, angry, drunken young man. There was a place in the middle.

When their lips met, Ronan caught Adam by the back of the neck, pulling him in close. There was no such thing as getting tired of kissing Adam. Each time their lips met was new, sent ripples of both love and desire echoing through his body. Opening his mouth in that kiss, he greedily took as much as Adam would allow him, holding hard and fast as though the man might vanish. That this was just another dream, something to escape through his fingers yet again.

Adam rolled onto his back, pulling Ronan with him so that he could feel the warm, protective weight of Ronan atop him as they kissed.

He held nothing back this time, since there was nowhere else they needed to be and nothing left unsaid between them. Shivering with desire and emotion, Adam nipped at him, squirming and clinging as lust lit a fire in his blood. Already starved for Ronan, for safety, for affection and love, Adam returned the kiss with messy, greedy, savage hunger, biting at Ronan and refusing to break from his addictive mouth.

When Adam rolled, Ronan's forearm pillowed beside the man's head, keeping him steadily above as they kissed.

This was different from the times they kissed before. Heated instead of longing, burning instead of comforting. The spark sent a line of flame along his veins, skin becoming flushed and hot in a way he'd never really experienced before. A virgin, never having so much as kissed anyone, the polar opposite of Declan. There was nothing more serious to Ronan than a relationship. To fool around even just because it felt nice was unthinkable. Frankly, he didn't even understand it.

He did understand how he felt about Adam, however. The kisses he gave in return were just as hungry, though Adam had been starved for longer. There was no breaking to explain just how sexual his feelings for Adam were, but, as Adam bit at him, he slowly came to realize that Adam .... likely felt the same. Reacting, wanting, Ronan pushed his body down and tilted his head, rolling his tongue best he could, biting right back, trying to get more and more. Trying to satisfy that hunger.

Groaning into the kiss, Ronan's free hand pushed against Adam's abdomen, grasping, desperate to feel more of him.

Adam was utterly addicted, moaning into Ronan's mouth as they shifted against each other. He'd meant to take his time with the kiss, to just linger in it for an hour, but the intensity of the kiss rose fast from how starved they both were for it.

His hands slid up Ronan's shirt, cold fingertips against Ronan's warm skin and nails biting into Ronan's back, trying to pull him closer, wanting to be utterly wound up in Ronan.

Breathless and hopelessly aroused when he broke the kiss, Adam rested his head against the side of Ronan's throat. He panted, eyes closed, focusing on the way his skin tingled, cock unmistakably hard after that kiss. "Ronan," he murmured, because all other words were insufficient.

The cold of Adam's fingers made Ronan shiver. So keenly aware of how they were not his own, how they were Adam's, he gasped quietly into the kiss and came back with more heat than before. Pressing down, wishing he could simply lose himself in Adam Adam Adam.

When the kiss broke Ronan's breathing was shallow, heart thundering against his ribecage as his arousal pitched. Pressed together, tangled as they were, he could feel Adam and no doubt Adam could feel him. Just as wanting.

Adam murmured his name and he said nothing, only turned his head so he could catch Adam's mouth with his once more. Hungry, wanting more, pushing his tongue into the other man's mouth and tasting him again. This time his hands were more curious; they slid down, grasping at Adam's thighs to give them a hard squeeze.

Adam moaned into the kiss, grinding his hips up against Ronan now that he could feel him, now that it was unmistakeable that their yearning was mutual.

He broke the kiss to bite at Ronan's throat. Panting and writhing beneath Ronan, Adam grinned wide. "May I offer some assistance with that, ah, rising situation of yours, sir?" he murmured, all playfulness and flirtation.

The bite at his throat was, very possibly, one of the best things he'd ever felt before. It only helped fan the flames, even if Adam was being a total dork about flirting. Rising situation? Ronan snorted, pulling back only to give the other man a look. Yet it melted quickly into a grin, amusement as he let out a short breath. It wasn't like he could hide his arousal.

"I'd like that," he murmured, leaning up onto his knees. Outside of kissing, he wasn't too sure as to how to proceed—his father died before they ever really had that talk, he was too proud to ask Declan, and he'd never ask anyone else. He wanted, certainly, and his lack of experience was frustrating even if he meant that he'd saved himself for Adam.

Best start simple. Finally, he stripped out of his shirt. Adam had seem him naked before and he'd been pretty aware of that. Now? He was keenly aware of it. The air felt cool against his warmed skin and he stretched his arms over his head, trying to work out a knot from between his shoulders.

Adam's lips parted, mouth watering as he stared. He'd seen Ronan naked plenty of times but it had never been for him before. On display, for him.

Helpful and yearning at the same time, Adam propped himself up on his elbow, reaching out to unfasten the front of Ronan's trousers. He kept his eyes on Ronan as he did so, grinning from ear to ear with the pleasure of being able to do this.

The sight of Adam's grin alone sent a dangerous thrill through his body. Adam wanted him—no matter how many times he repeated that to himself, it still didn't feel quite real. What was one supposed to do, when a dream really came true?

Goosebumps rippled up his arms when the backs of Adam's fingers brushed against his abdomen. Dropping his hands, Ronan combed through thick, dark hair, with quiet appreciation. He'd always left himself in Adam's care before... but not like this. As a lover. Adam was his lover. Another thought that seemed so impossible. Yet looking back, studying Adam's eyes as he unfastened his pants, he was happy.

Pressing his lips together, Ronan exhaled through his nose when the cool air kissed newly revealed flesh. He was undeniably aroused, cock stiff, as his pants hung low.

Adam's cheeks heated at the sight of him, utterly entranced. He'd seen Ronan naked, but he'd never seen Ronan aroused. "Oh," he breathed, drawing a light fingertip up the length of Ronan's cock. He wanted to do everything, all at once, and the hardest possible thing was trying to decide what to do first.

His brain only barely registered that he should probably offer himself in return, and he let go just so that he could squirm out of his shirt, tossing it aside and then struggling impatiently with his trousers. Both were often-patched, with stains that he had to make an effort to hide, and he hated them.

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