marlowemuses | I told myself that I'd stopped thinking of you...

I told myself that I'd stopped thinking of you...

Wherever Adam Parrish went, no matter where his ambition took him or how hard he fought to get what he wanted, everyone he met seemed to immediately know that he was poor. Even now that he had his law degree and a position as a junior member of a law firm, in his second-hand suit with the stain on the elbow, clients and coworkers alike treated him like he was a second-class citizen.

Adam kept his head down and worked hard, pulling twice the hours of anyone else on the staff. Whenever the rest of them went out to two-hour lunches and came back smashed and laughing, Adam stayed, and worked, and excelled, and they still only ever gave him the cases that no one else wanted. He'd been a "junior" member for two years longer than any of the other junior attorneys, with their shining smiles and their complete lack of student debt. But he still had a job, and every day he was grateful to be out of Henrietta and away from the hell of his childhood. It was fine. It was his life, and one day, somehow, somehow, he would finally belong in it.

Or, at least, that was what he told himself, until the day that the Ganseys walked in through the doors of the law firm. The whole family, golden and laughing, with their impossibly easy companionship, and Adam almost didn't recognize them until he heard Gansey laugh.

Making a sharp right turn down a side hallway before they could see him, Adam ducked into the men's bathroom. It was the only place with proper walls in the gleaming glass and chrome office. The only place he could hide.

They were probably here on something mundane and glorious, seeking new legal representation--or had Adam always been working for their lawyers and he'd been so oblivious that he'd simply never seen their name on the list of clients on retainer?--to fix a minor legal loophole keeping them from some new golf course.

Adam's head spun, remembering and regretting everything about his friendship with Gansey, all the fights, and the last one most of all. He wished he could take back everything he'd said.

But he couldn't, and it wouldn't matter. Gansey's life was no doubt better without him in it. He was probably married by now. Maybe he'd even married Blue.

Adam had just resigned himself, yet again, to the fact that he was out of Gansey's life forever, when Richard Gansey III walked through the bathroom door. Caught standing in plain sight by the sinks, Adam froze, staring at Gansey and praying that his old friend wouldn't recognize him.

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And here Gansey is, just as many years later, visiting his parents during summer break.

He's an adjunct history professor early in his career at a local university--he'd declined what seems a more naturally suited position of a politician despite his parents' insistence. They'd been upset of course, but not for too long. Gansey, after all, had the luxury of studying whatever he pleased, no matter what the job afterwards paid. He'd done study abroads to Europe multiple times, obtained a PhD...though he'd lost Blue in the process.

They'd had a falling out. Blue is naturally strong-willed and Gansey was still just oblivious enough to think there would be less compromising on his part than she wanted. They both wanted to travel for different reasons but they couldn't see eye to eye on it. Blue wouldn't spend her life chasing after Gansey, nor sitting at home waiting for him. And so they had split amiably, though Gansey finds it hard to talk to her on a regular basis, even now.

And then there was Adam.

Being in love with two people was confusing for him back in high school, but the major falling out he and Adam had had made things easier on the outside for him--simply get together with Blue and hope the half of his heart that was burned with the last acid-filled words said by Adam could be healed over, even a little.

It hadn't.

And here he is now, face to face with his ex-best-friend. There was no way Gansey couldn't recognize him. The realization is like a gut-punch, lost for words, lost for breath. The muscles in his jaw twitch a couple of times, preparing to speak, but aborting at the last second.

Finally, there's a small, nearly choked: "Parrish?"

This wasn't how Adam wanted to run into Gansey again. This certainly wasn't where Adam had wanted to run into Gansey again. A large part of him had hoped he never would. The world was a big place, and Gansey was too large a person to stay anywhere for long, but Adam had hoped that somehow they'd always be halfway across a globe from each other.

He knew that Gansey wouldn't be able to forgive him for what he'd said. Not even big-hearted, loyal Gansey, because Adam had been cruel. And that was the worst part, because Adam had meant what he'd said. He still did, in a way. He'd taken Gansey's flaws and thrown them in his face, and he'd meant it.

You're so privileged and entitled that you can't see anyone's perspective but your own, and you can't stand not being the hero. The philanthropist. Because it means that everyone is indebted to you, so you can own them, and control them, and they'll never leave you.

What he hadn't said was I know you're doing it because it's the only way you know. I know it's not your fault that the world is unfair. I know that all you want is to share your comfort and joy with the people you love.

What he hadn't said was I love you as you are, and I never want you to lose that conviction that you can make the world a better place.

Ronan hadn't told him anything, because Adam hadn't ever asked him about Gansey. It was better not knowing. Blue hadn't spoken to him for almost as long, because he'd refused to apologize or take it back, and she couldn't forgive him if he wouldn't repent.

As the years had passed, he'd wondered more and more whether he'd been in love with Gansey. He would never have considered it, if it weren't for Ronan, and he was still in love with Ronan.

They'd broken up the summer after graduation, because Adam wouldn't stay, and Ronan wouldn't leave. Ronan had almost everything he wanted within a few miles. The Barns, Henrietta, Cabeswater, and what Ronan wanted most was just that: home. But for Adam, Henrietta had always been a cage, and even love wasn't enough to make him stay.

They still tortured themselves with it, from time to time. Adam would go down for a weekend, or Ronan would come up to visit and curse about how much he hated the city, and their time together was always electric and overwhelming, and it broke them both anew every time they parted.

The ache of longing for Gansey never got better, until Adam couldn't tell anymore whether he'd always been in love with his straight best friend, or if he'd just idealized Gansey in his absence into the paragon of everything Adam wasn't and could never have.

Adam dropped his eyes to the floor, hating himself because he'd hurt Gansey, and hating himself for being too proud to ever take back what he'd said.

"I'll get out of your way," he said, starting for the door and expecting that Gansey would move to let him, because he couldn't imagine that Gansey could ever possibly want to endure the presence of someone as small and petty and worthless as Adam.

Gansey was grateful that Ronan at least continued to talk to him. He'd encouraged Blue to continue to talk to Adam--despite being hurt by Adam, he didn't want to interfere with their friendship. Blue was angry on his behalf and while he appreciated the sentiment, he couldn't help but feel responsible for destroying their relationship as well.

Even after all that, all these years later, he still couldn't help himself. He's often thought about Adam, found his hand hovering over that familiar number (god did he even have the same number?), and talking himself out of it every time. Because odds were, Adam would never answer even if it was the same number.

It's almost too good to be true though, serendipitously meeting Adam like this (okay so it's a bathroom...location could have been better). But how different was he from the Adam he knew (and loves)?

His thoughts ricochet and bounce around inside his skull, not knowing what to say or ask first but when the other moves to skirt past him, Gansey holds his ground.

"Wait. Don't," are the only words he can choke out before Adam reaches him and expects him to move aside. He's not sure where he's going with this at all, but he does feel a heat crawl up the back of his neck and start to burn at his ears as his heartrate picks up.

Edited 2017-04-02 18:38 (UTC)

Adam's too close, because he hadn't considered that Gansey wouldn't move. He freezes when he realizes, when Gansey speaks, and his own cheeks start to burn, because he's trapped now.

Trapped in a bathroom with all his regrets and the ruins of his past life.

Adam takes a step back, trying not to feel completely skittish about being trapped. He knows that Gansey is Gansey, but he still somehow always expects the veneer rather than the truth, for the handsome, confident jock to mock him for ever daring to want more than his dirt past.

There's nowhere for him to go, and he doesn't have the first idea what to say. All the apologies he imagined, over all those years, they're all utterly inadequate. There aren't any words to explain how he feels and he can't take back what he said.

Gansey looks... good. A little taller. Even more handsome. Adam's heart clenches with want, unable to look away from Gansey's sympathetic, earnest eyes.

He finally has Adam's attention. It's the only thing he's wanted since the last time they talked. Their eye contact feels like too much for Gansey--he doesn't want Adam to see the ache in them, longing as much as he had all these years, so he looks away slightly. Still facing Adam, just not capable of holding his gaze directly.

He has to say something. He can't simply stand in Adam's way.

There have been few people that could make Gansey's mask slip as much as Adam Parrish could. Adam appeared well. Despite knowing the suit was secondhand, Gansey thought it fit Adam well. Why was he wearing a suit in this place? Had he realized his dream of becoming a lawyer?

"How are you?" ventured Gansey, the most all-encompassing thing he could think to say in so few words. What are you up to? What do you do nowadays? Who is around you? Are you safe? Are you okay? Are you taking care of yourself?

Adam is so surprised by the question that his breath escapes him in a huff of laughter. His lips curl the tiniest bit, and he rubs at his mouth to try to hide the smile.

"Lovely weather we're having, too," he says, unable to resist ribbing Gansey for the small talk query when there was so much between them, so many years of tension and distance.

But in that moment, the years dropped away, because Gansey was the perfect, polite diplomat, and Adam knew him far too well to be able to believe it without seeing through the facade.

His heart clenches, and his smile fades a moment later. The instant of humor and the reminder of how much Gansey meant to him only makes everything worse, because it reminds him of how much he's lost.

That ghost of a laugh incites more longing. What he wouldn't give to hear it full strength, warm, shared between them.

A hand moves up to adjust his glasses and as it pulls away, his thumb briefly makes contact with his lower lip, a comfort gesture he hasn't used in years. No one since their years in high school has come close to seeing Gansey for who he really is. No one has been able to know him as well as Adam, Blue, Noah and Ronan. There was no one else to affect him so much.

He can at least look Adam in the eye now, the wall between them seeming surmountable at least.

There's a brief quirk of his lips at Adam's teasing, there and gone.

"Adam..."

Adam doesn't know what to say. His heart is caught in his throat, cutting off any possible words, and he doesn't know how to start bridging this void between them.

The door behind Gansey opens, nearly hitting him, and Adam grabs him by the front of his shirt, pulling him a step forward out of danger.

He lets go immediately, attention flicking briefly to the fellow lawyer who has just entered. Adam stays against the wall, near Gansey, because when he has to choose between his loyalty to the law firm and his loyalty to Gansey, he gravitates to Gansey without thinking.

The lawyer gives them a weird look, but Adam doesn't even notice it, having already returned his eyes to Gansey. He holds Gansey's gaze, nodding his chin toward the door to suggest that they find somewhere more private to talk.

Gansey doesn't even have time to react to the door opening just near him before he's moving the opposite direction of it, now entirely too close to Adam. He notices the weird look of the unknown man--a coworker of Adam's?--but turns immediately back to Adam, looking straight into those blue eyes, color unmatched by anyone else's that he'd seen before or since.

He follows Adam's silent suggestion, slipping out the bathroom door, holding it open for Adam as he then begins to walk further into the building, hoping to stumble upon an unused room or empty dead-end hallway.

Adam doesn't expect there to be anywhere in this place that someone won't stumble on them. The real estate is too expensive, in too frequent use, which was why he opted for the bathroom as a hiding space.

"Why is your family here?" Adam asks. He stays close, accepting that--for the moment--they're sort of allies. At least not on opposite sides, while they're in Adam's workplace. Gansey hasn't told him to go to hell yet. Gansey tried to make small talk. That means they're at least not actively, currently fighting. "I know most of the cases here. Maybe I can help."

And by knowing most of them he means he does the research and handling on most of them, while everyone else takes the credit for Adam's hard work.

Gansey is listening while looking around until something seems to click into place. He had led them down an empty (for now) corridor and now stops, whirling on Adam and looking at him as though seeing him for the first time. How had he not--

"Jesus, Parrish, you're a lawyer," he says in bewilderment. It's not a question. Of course Adam is a lawyer. He works his ass off and is brilliant, stops at nothing in his way, and had been denied justice most of his life.

And then he realizes his mistake.

"Not that I don't believe it--I just didn't put two and two together," he hurriedly explains, hoping Adam hadn't taken offense. Because of course after 9 years without speaking to each other, Gansey says something stupid like that. He's internally cursing himself for still being so oblivious.

Adam's eyes roll upwards. Why does his taste in men have to be good-hearted idiots?

He gets it, sort of. It's not like he told Gansey, and Ronan must not have told him, either, which means Ronan's not telling Gansey anything about him. Gansey didn't have any particular reason to realize that's why Adam was here. He could could perfectly well be here on any number of legal affairs.

Still.

Right, then. He's just going to give Gansey a moment to process that. And then he can figure out whether or not he knows anything about whatever brought the Ganseys here and whether or not Adam can claim the case. He's still as resistant as ever to being given anything, but Adam's become more comfortable with the idea of pressing his advantages in order to get what he wants.

Gansey wants to talk to him--not that Adam has any idea what they're going to talk about or why Gansey would want to bother--but he's here with his family. That needs to be resolved before he can take Gansey somewhere private--the parking lot, maybe, in Adam's car. And, if Adam's smart and Gansey's not completely oblivious, Adam can claim the Ganseys as his own clients.

Crossing his arms, Adam tilts his head slightly, waiting for Gansey to finish processing. Yes. Adam's a lawyer. With an excruciating amount of student debt and an asshole employer.

Oh god, he really screwed up between the eye-rolling and the arm-crossing. He only has to process a few seconds longer, before a sense of pride overtakes him. Even this long without contact with Adam, he can't help but be happy for his ex-best friend, succeeding in coming so far. No matter how wounded he'd been by his words, Gansey had always wished Adam nothing but the best in life.

When he sees and is relieved to see no other signs that Adam is withdrawing from him (does he still do that?), he decides it's safe to proceed with the conversation.

"My parents are here for legal counsel about forming a PAC. They're both going to run for Congress together."

"Reintroduce me to your parents," Adam says, letting his arms fall back to his sides. "And then we can go talk."

A thrill of terror goes through him after he's made that promise. He'll be bound to it, for wherever Gansey wants to go talk and however furious he is. Trapped. He knows, consciously, that Gansey's fury is nothing like his father's but he still fears it.

Pushing away his fear, Adam pulls on his most confident, proactive mask, his Good Lawyer face. It's a lie, but it hides his fear, and Adam has spent his life doing that.

"This way," he says, walking at Gansey's side as he shows him the way to the new client conference room. He's going to get himself the best clients in the firm. And in payment for that, he'll do anything Gansey wants.

His eyebrows raise at the proposed bargain. There isn't really any other choice is there? Gansey would do almost anything at this point for the chance to speak to Adam. On the flip side, he knows Adam would do right by his parents and put in an honest day's work, more so than anyone else here. No matter their past, that's one thing he knows would never change about Adam Parrish.

Gansey doesn't even have to say anything. He knows Adam knows his answer. And so he follows him to where his parents had sat down, awaiting someone to see to them.

As he enters the room, Adam close behind, Gansey puts on his usual sunny smile and sets to work re-introducing his parents and Adam.

His parents being Gansey's parents, are of course delighted to see one of Gansey's good friends again (clearly knowing nothing of their fallout). They're even more delighted to learn that he is one of the lawyers at the firm and does he have experience in political law? Gansey simply steps back and lets the conversation happen, waiting for the appropriate time to step in.

Adam's glad that Gansey's parents seem to know nothing about the years that Adam and Gansey have spent estranged. He's glad, also, that they remember him, and fondly. He still has the car.

All charm and confidence, Adam starts asking about their plans and offering solutions. He's made himself an expert, as always, and it only takes him a minute to be deep into planning with them. When the firm's owner enters the room with his mistress' son, the rich and entitled hotshot of the company, they both turn gray with displeasure.

Terror and triumph swirl in Adam's gut, but he's confident enough to introduce the Ganseys to his boss, knowing that he has this secured. He's going to make sure that his work is above criticism. This will be his first real client, but he's been preparing for half his life.

He has total control of the situation. It's heady, having this temporary power, and Adam never lets his gaze stray to Gansey. He has to remain focused.

Once the Ganseys have had all their questions answered, Adam promises to get back to them promptly with a proposal. Only then does he let his attention return to Gansey. He's at Gansey's mercy now. That was the spirit of his promise, and the spirit of the promise is what matters to Adam's honor.

Edited 2017-04-04 04:07 (UTC)

Gansey is glad to see everything going swimmingly until the other two people enter the room. Clearly something unexpected. He watches how smoothly Adam transitions back into acting like his best friend once more, a tight clenching feeling in his chest. It's all so familiar.

When Adam turns back to him, he's sure his heart skips a beat, but that's the signal he was looking for. Gansey leaves his parents to work out further negotiations that occur at the level of the firm itself. He leads Adam out of the room and out of earshot of the conference room.

"What was that about?" he asks, suddenly seeming all too familiar with Adam. Gansey was certain he could cut the tension in there with a knife.

"Which part?" Adam asks, not particularly wanting to discuss any part of what just happened while they're still in the firm. He heads for his office, expecting Gansey to follow. It's a shitty closet of a room, and Adam doesn't linger. "Do you have your car or did you come with your parents?"

He grabs his briefcase, still avoiding Gansey's eyes as he heads for the elevator. He makes sure to stay near Gansey, even while acting as distant as possible. He just took a risk, and there might be consequences. Gansey is his safety. As long as Gansey doesn't tell his parents what an awful, irredeemable person Adam is.

"When those other two came in the conference room." He doesn't need to elaborate further than that.

He follows Adam to his office but doesn't go inside (not enough room of course). If Adam is a lawyer of the firm, shouldn't he have something a little bigger than a broom closet?

God, even after all of that, Adam still can't stand to look at Gansey? Did he say something wrong, again? He continues after him, also heading towards the elevator with him. Once they're inside, he turns to the other.

"I have my car." Truthfully, he brought it in case there were any reporters around. He didn't need or want any sort of publicity in relation to his parents' run for office. He's not exactly sure where Adam is going w2ith this. Does he actually want to go somewhere? With Gansey of all people?

"That was the owner of the law firm and the boy he wishes was his son," Adam said, eying Gansey warily. He's glad that they have the elevator to themselves. He wants to deal with as few other people as possible right now. "His best friend's kid--and he's sleeping with the mother, so it's even weirder. Sort-of sideways nepotism."

The elevator doors open and Adam falls instantly silent on the topic. "We'll take your car, then." He steps out of the elevator, wanting this over with as soon as possible.

At least Gansey's car is as recognizable as ever. So is Adam's, but the last thing he wants is to be stuck in his tricolor car with Gansey when it inevitably breaks down. Adam's lips twitch a little with pleasure and exasperation. "I can't believe that thing hasn't died yet."

Edited 2017-04-05 01:03 (UTC)

The look Gansey gives Adam is one of disbelief crossed with disgust. And Adam puts up with that kind of crap just to get ahead. Because of course he does. Because he's Adam "I will earn my way to the top" Parrish. And even in this context, Gansey still adores that about Adam, even with how frustrating it was so long ago when Gansey offered to help and he wouldn't take it.

It's good to know that Adam is still Adam. It feels like the world is still right.

When they're within sight of the Pig and Adam makes his comment, it's so loaded with memory and echoes of their friendship, he can't help a small smile.

"It's tried. Been learning how to service it myself as much as I can," he murmurs as he digs in his pocket to grab his keys with a fond pat of the roof. Of course, that was mostly Adam's doing. Their fateful meeting...

He's never been the same.

Adam slides into the passenger seat of the Pig, just like nothing has changed, and slams the door shut. He's gained a couple of inches, but everything else feels the same. "So he was bringing in Trevor to take the clients, because Trevor takes all the best clients, and drops the files on my desk to handle. So that was Trevor's uncomfortable shock at realizing that there wasn't any way he was going to get your parents as clients."

Slumping in the seat, Adam lets his eyelids droop. He's as exhausted as ever, black circles under his eyes, and it's nice to let himself be unguarded and show his fatigue for a moment. "Let's go. Anywhere but here."

Even if Gansey ends up dumping him on the side of the road because Adam still isn't going to apologize.

Gansey takes his place behind the wheel and starts the car after the engine decides it wants to turn over. The Pig sounds exactly the same and the vibrations felt within the steering wheel are even harsher than the last time Adam sat where he is now. How long had it been?

Looking over at Adam, Gansey has to marvel at how they got in this position, the odds that Gansey would ever see Adam ever again. The odds that Gansey would see Adam ever again and have half a conversation with him and be here in the Pig willingly subjecting himself to Gansey's presence? It seems downright impossible.

And then he realizes how exhausted Adam is. He doesn't comment on it, simply pulls out of the parking lot and heads towards the nearest entrance ramp to the highway. He needed a lot of space and a lot of room to pick up speed--as much speed as possible to block out the rest of the world. He doesn't know where they're going, just going.

There's a long stretch of silence.

"You still didn't answer my question from before."

Adam waves a dismissive hand at himself. "Quod vides."

What is he supposed to say? How is he? Shitty. Triumphant. Exhausted. Lonely. The only good thing in his life is Ronan, and as much as he loves Ronan, no one should be sentenced to having to say that.

He tilts his head against the window, feeling the rattle that goes through the whole machine. It rattles him to his bones. The sensation is more satisfying than he can put into words. He missed this. He missed so many things about this. His hondoyota doesn't generally get above forty miles per hour without starting to shake apart.

Gansey shifts gears, steady on fifth as they break away from the general flow of traffic, wide open road in front of them. The engine dampens enough of his thoughts to be able to focus on driving but manage a sideways glance at Adam.

There's a lot he wants to say.

You've hurt me more than anyone else ever has. Despite that I still miss you. Sitting here next to you, I somehow miss you even more. Can it ever go back to the way it was?

But Gansey's not even sure he wants it back to the way it was. Especially since Adam expressed how he felt about how things were back then.

It's been such a long time since latin has pricked at his ears, it takes a few seconds longer than usual to process it.

"You've obviously been busy over the past few years." He's treading carefully, not wanting to set Adam off. He has no idea what will set Adam off now. Gansey is completely blind in this situation.

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