marlowemuses | I told myself that I'd stopped thinking of you...

I told myself that I'd stopped thinking of you...

Wherever Adam Parrish went, no matter where his ambition took him or how hard he fought to get what he wanted, everyone he met seemed to immediately know that he was poor. Even now that he had his law degree and a position as a junior member of a law firm, in his second-hand suit with the stain on the elbow, clients and coworkers alike treated him like he was a second-class citizen.

Adam kept his head down and worked hard, pulling twice the hours of anyone else on the staff. Whenever the rest of them went out to two-hour lunches and came back smashed and laughing, Adam stayed, and worked, and excelled, and they still only ever gave him the cases that no one else wanted. He'd been a "junior" member for two years longer than any of the other junior attorneys, with their shining smiles and their complete lack of student debt. But he still had a job, and every day he was grateful to be out of Henrietta and away from the hell of his childhood. It was fine. It was his life, and one day, somehow, somehow, he would finally belong in it.

Or, at least, that was what he told himself, until the day that the Ganseys walked in through the doors of the law firm. The whole family, golden and laughing, with their impossibly easy companionship, and Adam almost didn't recognize them until he heard Gansey laugh.

Making a sharp right turn down a side hallway before they could see him, Adam ducked into the men's bathroom. It was the only place with proper walls in the gleaming glass and chrome office. The only place he could hide.

They were probably here on something mundane and glorious, seeking new legal representation--or had Adam always been working for their lawyers and he'd been so oblivious that he'd simply never seen their name on the list of clients on retainer?--to fix a minor legal loophole keeping them from some new golf course.

Adam's head spun, remembering and regretting everything about his friendship with Gansey, all the fights, and the last one most of all. He wished he could take back everything he'd said.

But he couldn't, and it wouldn't matter. Gansey's life was no doubt better without him in it. He was probably married by now. Maybe he'd even married Blue.

Adam had just resigned himself, yet again, to the fact that he was out of Gansey's life forever, when Richard Gansey III walked through the bathroom door. Caught standing in plain sight by the sinks, Adam froze, staring at Gansey and praying that his old friend wouldn't recognize him.

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"Reintroduce me to your parents," Adam says, letting his arms fall back to his sides. "And then we can go talk."

A thrill of terror goes through him after he's made that promise. He'll be bound to it, for wherever Gansey wants to go talk and however furious he is. Trapped. He knows, consciously, that Gansey's fury is nothing like his father's but he still fears it.

Pushing away his fear, Adam pulls on his most confident, proactive mask, his Good Lawyer face. It's a lie, but it hides his fear, and Adam has spent his life doing that.

"This way," he says, walking at Gansey's side as he shows him the way to the new client conference room. He's going to get himself the best clients in the firm. And in payment for that, he'll do anything Gansey wants.

His eyebrows raise at the proposed bargain. There isn't really any other choice is there? Gansey would do almost anything at this point for the chance to speak to Adam. On the flip side, he knows Adam would do right by his parents and put in an honest day's work, more so than anyone else here. No matter their past, that's one thing he knows would never change about Adam Parrish.

Gansey doesn't even have to say anything. He knows Adam knows his answer. And so he follows him to where his parents had sat down, awaiting someone to see to them.

As he enters the room, Adam close behind, Gansey puts on his usual sunny smile and sets to work re-introducing his parents and Adam.

His parents being Gansey's parents, are of course delighted to see one of Gansey's good friends again (clearly knowing nothing of their fallout). They're even more delighted to learn that he is one of the lawyers at the firm and does he have experience in political law? Gansey simply steps back and lets the conversation happen, waiting for the appropriate time to step in.

Adam's glad that Gansey's parents seem to know nothing about the years that Adam and Gansey have spent estranged. He's glad, also, that they remember him, and fondly. He still has the car.

All charm and confidence, Adam starts asking about their plans and offering solutions. He's made himself an expert, as always, and it only takes him a minute to be deep into planning with them. When the firm's owner enters the room with his mistress' son, the rich and entitled hotshot of the company, they both turn gray with displeasure.

Terror and triumph swirl in Adam's gut, but he's confident enough to introduce the Ganseys to his boss, knowing that he has this secured. He's going to make sure that his work is above criticism. This will be his first real client, but he's been preparing for half his life.

He has total control of the situation. It's heady, having this temporary power, and Adam never lets his gaze stray to Gansey. He has to remain focused.

Once the Ganseys have had all their questions answered, Adam promises to get back to them promptly with a proposal. Only then does he let his attention return to Gansey. He's at Gansey's mercy now. That was the spirit of his promise, and the spirit of the promise is what matters to Adam's honor.

Edited 2017-04-04 04:07 (UTC)

Gansey is glad to see everything going swimmingly until the other two people enter the room. Clearly something unexpected. He watches how smoothly Adam transitions back into acting like his best friend once more, a tight clenching feeling in his chest. It's all so familiar.

When Adam turns back to him, he's sure his heart skips a beat, but that's the signal he was looking for. Gansey leaves his parents to work out further negotiations that occur at the level of the firm itself. He leads Adam out of the room and out of earshot of the conference room.

"What was that about?" he asks, suddenly seeming all too familiar with Adam. Gansey was certain he could cut the tension in there with a knife.

"Which part?" Adam asks, not particularly wanting to discuss any part of what just happened while they're still in the firm. He heads for his office, expecting Gansey to follow. It's a shitty closet of a room, and Adam doesn't linger. "Do you have your car or did you come with your parents?"

He grabs his briefcase, still avoiding Gansey's eyes as he heads for the elevator. He makes sure to stay near Gansey, even while acting as distant as possible. He just took a risk, and there might be consequences. Gansey is his safety. As long as Gansey doesn't tell his parents what an awful, irredeemable person Adam is.

"When those other two came in the conference room." He doesn't need to elaborate further than that.

He follows Adam to his office but doesn't go inside (not enough room of course). If Adam is a lawyer of the firm, shouldn't he have something a little bigger than a broom closet?

God, even after all of that, Adam still can't stand to look at Gansey? Did he say something wrong, again? He continues after him, also heading towards the elevator with him. Once they're inside, he turns to the other.

"I have my car." Truthfully, he brought it in case there were any reporters around. He didn't need or want any sort of publicity in relation to his parents' run for office. He's not exactly sure where Adam is going w2ith this. Does he actually want to go somewhere? With Gansey of all people?

"That was the owner of the law firm and the boy he wishes was his son," Adam said, eying Gansey warily. He's glad that they have the elevator to themselves. He wants to deal with as few other people as possible right now. "His best friend's kid--and he's sleeping with the mother, so it's even weirder. Sort-of sideways nepotism."

The elevator doors open and Adam falls instantly silent on the topic. "We'll take your car, then." He steps out of the elevator, wanting this over with as soon as possible.

At least Gansey's car is as recognizable as ever. So is Adam's, but the last thing he wants is to be stuck in his tricolor car with Gansey when it inevitably breaks down. Adam's lips twitch a little with pleasure and exasperation. "I can't believe that thing hasn't died yet."

Edited 2017-04-05 01:03 (UTC)

The look Gansey gives Adam is one of disbelief crossed with disgust. And Adam puts up with that kind of crap just to get ahead. Because of course he does. Because he's Adam "I will earn my way to the top" Parrish. And even in this context, Gansey still adores that about Adam, even with how frustrating it was so long ago when Gansey offered to help and he wouldn't take it.

It's good to know that Adam is still Adam. It feels like the world is still right.

When they're within sight of the Pig and Adam makes his comment, it's so loaded with memory and echoes of their friendship, he can't help a small smile.

"It's tried. Been learning how to service it myself as much as I can," he murmurs as he digs in his pocket to grab his keys with a fond pat of the roof. Of course, that was mostly Adam's doing. Their fateful meeting...

He's never been the same.

Adam slides into the passenger seat of the Pig, just like nothing has changed, and slams the door shut. He's gained a couple of inches, but everything else feels the same. "So he was bringing in Trevor to take the clients, because Trevor takes all the best clients, and drops the files on my desk to handle. So that was Trevor's uncomfortable shock at realizing that there wasn't any way he was going to get your parents as clients."

Slumping in the seat, Adam lets his eyelids droop. He's as exhausted as ever, black circles under his eyes, and it's nice to let himself be unguarded and show his fatigue for a moment. "Let's go. Anywhere but here."

Even if Gansey ends up dumping him on the side of the road because Adam still isn't going to apologize.

Gansey takes his place behind the wheel and starts the car after the engine decides it wants to turn over. The Pig sounds exactly the same and the vibrations felt within the steering wheel are even harsher than the last time Adam sat where he is now. How long had it been?

Looking over at Adam, Gansey has to marvel at how they got in this position, the odds that Gansey would ever see Adam ever again. The odds that Gansey would see Adam ever again and have half a conversation with him and be here in the Pig willingly subjecting himself to Gansey's presence? It seems downright impossible.

And then he realizes how exhausted Adam is. He doesn't comment on it, simply pulls out of the parking lot and heads towards the nearest entrance ramp to the highway. He needed a lot of space and a lot of room to pick up speed--as much speed as possible to block out the rest of the world. He doesn't know where they're going, just going.

There's a long stretch of silence.

"You still didn't answer my question from before."

Adam waves a dismissive hand at himself. "Quod vides."

What is he supposed to say? How is he? Shitty. Triumphant. Exhausted. Lonely. The only good thing in his life is Ronan, and as much as he loves Ronan, no one should be sentenced to having to say that.

He tilts his head against the window, feeling the rattle that goes through the whole machine. It rattles him to his bones. The sensation is more satisfying than he can put into words. He missed this. He missed so many things about this. His hondoyota doesn't generally get above forty miles per hour without starting to shake apart.

Gansey shifts gears, steady on fifth as they break away from the general flow of traffic, wide open road in front of them. The engine dampens enough of his thoughts to be able to focus on driving but manage a sideways glance at Adam.

There's a lot he wants to say.

You've hurt me more than anyone else ever has. Despite that I still miss you. Sitting here next to you, I somehow miss you even more. Can it ever go back to the way it was?

But Gansey's not even sure he wants it back to the way it was. Especially since Adam expressed how he felt about how things were back then.

It's been such a long time since latin has pricked at his ears, it takes a few seconds longer than usual to process it.

"You've obviously been busy over the past few years." He's treading carefully, not wanting to set Adam off. He has no idea what will set Adam off now. Gansey is completely blind in this situation.

Adam shrugs. He doesn't want to talk about his own life. "Law school," he confirms, even though it seems to him that should be self-evident. Working two jobs to put himself through law school and yet he's still mired in debt.

"What about you?" Adam's gaze flicks over, checking Gansey's left hand for a ring. He doesn't see one. His heart thuds at that, surprised but grateful. He's never considered, before this moment, just how awful it would be to find that Gansey was married. "Are you and Blue...?"

There's a small wry smile--his eyes remain on the road and as though Gansey could hear his thoughts, he thumbs at the ring finger on his left hand.

"No. We...went our separate ways." Of course, ever the diplomat. As devastating as losing Adam was, losing Blue took a while to get over. It was on amiable terms but ever since then, he's wondered what he could have done to be better, do better, change so that the people that he cared about most in the world didn't leave him. He's found it difficult to date after her. He's fairly certain he still loves her.

Adam nods, because he understands that. It doesn't surprise him, either. Gansey and Blue clearly cared for each other, but it was difficult to imagine a future where their paths converged. Adam imagined that Blue was off somewhere fighting injustice and saving endangered species. He couldn't imagine Gansey doing either. Not for lack of earnestness, but simply because that kind of sustained conflict wasn't anywhere in Gansey's nature.

"Ronan and I..." Adam begins, but finds that he doesn't know how to put it into words. We're in love. We're together. We're not together. I haven't spoken to him in three months. "Has he told you?"

Gansey still talks to Blue once in a while but it always leaves him feeling torn apart inside but thrilled at the same time. Like his insides have been ripped up but glued back together.

On the subject of Ronan and Adam though...

"More or less." Because Ronan hates being reminded that his not-boyfriend and his best friend are not on speaking terms. He doesn't talk about Adam too often but he's dropped a few hints. He knows they're not officially together.

That knowledge shouldn't give him as much hope as it does.

Words crowd Adam's tongue, but none of them are right. None of them are adequate. It's a complicated situation, and there aren't words to explain it. It doesn't make sense to anyone but him and Ronan, and it barely makes sense to them.

"Is there someone else?" Adam asks. Gansey hadn't specified. It seems wrong that someone as handsome and charming as Gansey could be alone all this time. The thought that Gansey is alone--lonely--makes Adam's gut ache. He can't decide if it's better or worse than the thought of Gansey with some new, unknown girlfriend.

His eyes are still fixed on the road ahead, nothing but green Virginia rolling hills for miles around with the occasional decrepit barn dotting the landscape.

Such a natural question that Gansey shouldn't be as thrown off as he is.

"No," he replies, a small smile here. The Richard Campbell Gansey III mask is slipping on and he's powerless to stop it in an effort to defend his own heart from this spotlight on his loneliness.

"I've travelled around for college. Europe. Recently became a professor. I haven't really met anyone yet." Or tried, but Adam doesn't necessarily need to know that.

A line forms between Adam's brows. There's something there. Something he's missing, in the gap between Gansey and Richard, that momentary smile that's all wrong. Adam's attention pulls toward him, studying Gansey in profile as they drive.

He takes in the words, but they're not really what interests him. They're not being told to him by his Gansey. They're just words, noise that the other Gansey is using to fill the space.

But Adam doesn't have any other tool to get past them and get back to the Gansey he knows. "Professor for what?" he asks, though he already has a pretty good guess. The words come out like a challenge, though they aren't the real challenge. They aren't the real question.

Gansey can feel the eyes on him. He knows now when Adam's eyes are on him.

"Medieval European history with a special focus on Great Britain," he replies unabashedly, that flicker of "Gansey, the gistory nerd" coming through. Despite being an expert in the subject, there was no one that really knew about how earnest he became about the subject except Ronan, Adam and Blue.

Adam rolls his eyes, because it's exactly what he expects. What a fucking nerd.

He looks away again, because it hurts. He's in love with Gansey. There's no getting around that. Maybe he's built Gansey up in his mind, idealized Gansey's flaws and forgotten the edges of their fights, but it's hard to credit that theory when Gansey is everything that he remembers.

Maybe even more than Adam remembers. More handsome, more commanding, more absurdly irresistible.

At a loss for words, he just watches the scenery go by. He doesn't ever want Gansey to stop. As long as they're just driving like this, it's easier to pretend.

Besides, he kind of likes the idea of Gansey kidnapping him.

Gansey is not particularly inclined to stop either. It's as though the two of them have stepped into their own bubble of time, nothing else in the world mattering on the outside.

"I coyld almost hear you roll your eyes. Did you think I'd go a different path?" And there's a genuine half smile on his face.q

"No?" Adam scoffs, and the question in his voice is what other possible path could there have been for you?

Others might have expected Gansey the politician, but Adam had never for a minute believed that it would happen. Gansey was only ever going to be a king if the earth parted and Camelot presented itself as his rightful inheritance. Which, around Gansey, seemed pretty plausible.

"Thought you'd be married with like six children by now," Adam says, sliding down in his seat and staring up at the roof of the Camaro, keeping his tone flat to make it seem more like the joke it was supposed to be. And not like Adam's worst nightmare. "Fat children. Disgustingly cherubic."

He can't resist grinning a tiny bit at the mental image. Gansey surrounded by fat cherubs.

The thought actually causes laughter to bubble up and out before he can catch himself. He hasn't laughed like this in a long time.

"Why six and why fat?" he asks, giving Adam a sidelong glance as he pulls off at an exit that doesn't seem to have anything in particular around.

Adam huffs, chewing at his lower lip to try to contain the grin that's threatening to escape. He just said it off the top of his head. It means nothing.

"Because you don't do anything by halves," Adam says, thinking of the cardboard Henrietta, of their summers spent chasing Glendower, of how Gansey saved them all, in his own way, because without him they would all have destroyed themselves.

The echo of Gansey's laugh spins around and around in his head, replaying infinitely. Gansey's laugh is warm and golden, and the fact that it's just for him makes Adam's heart glow.

They've pulled off the highway in the middle of nowhere. Adam's brows tug just slightly, wondering where Gansey's brought him and why.

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