marlowemuses | The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

There had bee no other options. Someone had to guard the relics the Angel had given them. The Cup and Sword were too powerful to be left in mortal hands even those that had been blessed by the Angel. That power was too tempting no matter how noble Nephilim might be. There would always be someone, some group of someones, who would be seduced by the possibilities that those gifts represented.

Even centuries after the decision had been made, Alec wasn't sure why he had been chosen for this particular duty. His parabatai had been a better warrior. His sister was far more clever. But the Angel had chosen him. Perhaps because he was better able to accept the isolation of his divine task. His siblings would have been driven mad by loneliness after the first few decades.

There were times when Alec wondered if he would eventually succumb to insanity, but he had the books that he eventually became guardian of and the cats that somehow crept between worlds to keep him company. They weren't exactly cats, of course. They were built more like predators than pets, eyes glowing with flames instead of the usual nocturnal glow. No matter how frightening they looked, they were Alec's friends and they helped Alec protect the items the Angel had left in his care.

It was the cats that warned him that something was wrong at the gates. The largest of them howled a warning, hissing as she faced the gate. The rest of the pride ran to her as Alec sprinted for the gates. Something - Someone - was attacking. He felt the temple shiver its warning through him and he knew that no matter how impossible it seemed, someone had crossed the threshold between worlds.

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As he moved through the gardens, Alec could sense that Adam was following him. Probably to order him to be a better host to his friend. Bristling at the thought, he continued on, deciding against going to the orchard and choosing his practice area instead. The orchard was his refuge. He wasn't going to share that with Adam when he was forcing Alec to go against his vows.

When the archery range came into sight, his bow appeared in his hand. His quiver materialized on his back as he reached for the first arrow. Knowing that Adam was behind him, he aimed carefully, making sure that the arrow hit the target perfectly. Alec aimed again, making sure that the next arrow was a measured distance from the first. The third hit the same distance from the second, making a straight line that would continue to the edge if he continued. That should prove that he was more than one of the temple's relics.

Satisfied that he at least had a measure of focus and calm, he turned toward Adam. "I followed your orders, priestess. There is no need for you to follow me here."

Adam opened his mouth to speak, but he paused as the arrow hit the target. Then another, and another. Perfect in skill and execution. An unspoken threat of how easily he could kill Adam and Gansey both. Maybe a threat of how badly he'd wanted to.

Adam didn't have the energy to deal with this. He was so tired, and he desperately needed this time--if the temple would give it to him again--to write an essay for class, because otherwise he'd have to lose another half night's sleep to write it, and Adam wasn't sure he could lose any more sleep without starting to hallucinate during the day.

"He's gone," Adam snapped. Alec's pride might need some reassurance, but Adam didn't have any to give.

Turning away, Adam headed into the temple, planning to spread his things in the library so he could get his homework done.

He knew that he should be civil. Adam was the temple's priestess. He was supposed to be Adam's partner. He almost laughed at the thought. All those reassurances had been lies. Knowing he wouldn't be able to control his temper, he kept his back to the priestess and remained silent.

The temple was no longer his. It was no longer safe or his home. Adam would bring whoever he wanted into this reality, not caring that it forced Alec to break his vow to the Angel.

Alec hoped that he wouldn't be punished again for breaking his vows. Shaking off that thought, he told himself that he'd endured it before. He could live through it again. If it did happen, Emily might help him since he hadn't fought with Adam. The cats knew he'd attempted his duties so they wouldn't desert him.

Sighing, he continued practicing until he ran out of arrows, then changed to throwing knives. Eventually he sat down beside the target with his guard cat in his lap, still unsure of what to do with the emotions he felt, but soothed by Emily's purring.

Adam worked on his essay for a couple of hours, getting most of it done, but then his head kept dipping, and he kept waking on the downward slump, jolted awake by the sensation of falling, until he didn't wake, and he dropped down into slumber, cheek on his essay and arms splayed on the table.

He woke hours later with a bad crick in his neck, disoriented by waking somewhere he hadn't intended to sleep. Scrambling up, he got tangled in the chair and landed on his ass, dizzy with the need for more sleep and panic that he'd slept too much.

It was darker in the temple, twilit, and Alec was nowhere to be seen, which made Adam's heart hurt. But that couldn't be helped. Adam had tried to offer him what Alec wanted so badly, and Alec had taken it as an attack. Clearly there was no hope of them ever being on civil terms with each other.

Gathering his things up as quickly as he could, Adam headed for the gate to meet up with Gansey.

In the back of his mind, Alec could sense Adam's presence. He knew that the priestess was in the temple and that he hadn't moved for hours. Eventually, Alec set Emily on the ground and headed for the temple. Pausing at the doorway, he tried to think of duty and not the anger and hurt that kept trying to catch him unaware, but he couldn't force himself inside.

Giving up on entering the temple, he went back to the gardens, smiling when the pride slowly made its presence known. They didn't seem angry with him, so Alec assumed that he wasn't going to be punished for an intruder walking through the gate.

Persephone meowed and headed toward the gate. Adam must be leaving if she was so excited. Following the cat, he stayed away from the gate as he watched Adam prepare to leave, afraid that if he was too close he'd be injured again.

Adam saw Alec standing a safe distance off as he neared the gate, and he eyed him for a few moments but didn't slow his pace. All Alec's talk and nonsense about this being Adam's place, but he wasn't allowed to bring a guest or offer sanctuary, and he'd meant the guest to please Alec.

He went through without a word, glad when Gansey was there to meet him, full of questions. He answered what he could, mostly sad and introverted as they drove back to town.

The temple and the ley line seemed determined to have Adam there, no matter what Alec and Adam felt about it, so Adam accepted the time as fair trade, and went again the next day.

"I want somewhere I can sleep," he told the temple as he stepped through the door. Not bothering to wait for Alec this time, he headed immediately down a corridor, finding an open door waiting for him with a sumptuous bedroom within. Adam kicked off his shoes and his jeans, crawling into the bed in just t-shirt and boxers, and passed out within seconds.

This time he slept for fourteen hours, waking heavy with sleep and still deeply groggy. Several of the cats slept on the bed with him, cuddled up against him and keeping him warm. That earned a smile, and Adam gently scratched Persephone's ears before starting to carefully extricate himself.

Even though there had been no obvious sign of punishment, Alec was still wary of the gate and temple. Instead of sleeping in his quarters, he patrolled the grounds, finally sleeping in the spot in the orchard that he preferred when he couldn't handle enclosed spaces or the weather was warm.

He stayed there most of the next day, considering what to do with the harvest of apples that would begin soon. He began thinking of the pastries that had appeared the day before and Adam's suggestion that he could bake some of those treats, then shook off the idea. It was better if he didn't get too attached to those kinds of luxuries even if he made them himself.

He was considering the pear trees when Alec felt the wards shift to let Adam through. He scowled when he realized that he'd flinched at the intrusion. He'd hoped to have more time to himself, but it seemed that Adam was making the temple his. It was both a relief and disappointment that Adam didn't try to find him.

Alec continued on with his work, checking the gardens and taking care of the plants. Eventually, he forced himself to go back into the temple when he realized hours had passed and Adam hadn't left. Still cautious that the Angel or the temple's magic would be angry with him, he crept along the corridors, hating that he was expecting to be harmed. The scowl returned when he noticed the new room that hadn't been obvious the day before. The cats weren't around so he assumed that they were with Adam or roaming the grounds. If they were there, then Adam didn't need him.

Adam returned the next day as well, doing his homework, eating some of the food provided, and then sleeping again. After the third time, he felt rested and alert when he woke, for the first time he could remember in years. There was still no sign of Alec, and Adam felt hated and rejected and emotionally tired. Alec didn't want to be his friend. Adam couldn't not come to the temple and invade his territory, but at least Alec didn't have to put up with him if he didn't want.

He was eating again, from a much smaller banquet spread that still felt like a feast to Adam, when Alec walked into the room he was in. Adam tensed, watching him warily.

Alec forced himself to ignore Adam's visits. He continued on with his duties: patrolling, training, and keeping up the gardens. Although he knew the temple responded to both of them, he felt more and more like a guest in his own home. At least the weather had been mild enough that it wasn't a hardship to stay outdoors.

Until the most recent visit and after a few hours, it began to rain. When it became obvious that it wasn't going to let up and his clothes were soaked through, Alec returned to the temple. He became suspicious when the corridors didn't lead to his quarters and instead he found himself in the dining room again. It didn't surprise him when the door shut behind him.

Stepping to the side, he shivered from the cold, trying to avoid looking directly at Adam. There were towels on a table that Alec knew hadn't been there the last time he'd been in the room. And it was close to where Adam was sitting.

Sighing, he cautiously moved toward the pile of cloth, staying close to the priestess for only as long as it took to grab the towels. Backing away, he began scrubbing the water from his hair. Reminding himself that he needed to be civil, he struggled for something to say. "I didn't mean to interrupt. I couldn't find my way to my rooms."

"You're not interrupting," Adam said, though he didn't look up from his food. "I'm the intruder in your home."

He tried not to think of Alec saying that he wanted to court Adam and the hope he'd felt from that. It hurt whenever he thought about it. He was here, and he was well-rested, even though the temple guardian hated him. Adam could try to stay out of his way, at least.

"No, I am since I can't even get dry clothes when you're here. The temple responds to you and ignores me." Which wasn't the reason why he was angry, at least not the main one.

Still shivering, Alec started toweling himself off as best he could. "Do you realize how reckless it was to bring Gansey here? I know that people don't believe like they used to but I promised one of God's Angels that I would protect the relics here." He paused, wiping the rain from his face, wondering if Adam would believe him. Or care about his duties. "If your protection hadn't worked, I would have been forced to kill him. I would have had to live with that guilt forever."

Edited 2019-02-05 03:33 (UTC)

"I trusted that you wouldn't kill him," Adam replied, though he still didn't look up from his food. He was willing to talk, if Alec was talking and trying to build a bridge between them again. "He didn't take a single step beyond the threshold, and never will without your permission. I brought him to talk to you."

He'd trusted that Alec would talk before shooting, that he'd listen to Adam, that the temple would favor Gansey the way everything seemed to favor Gansey, and that the temple would allow Adam to bring Gansey through under his protection the way he'd brought the caterpillar through. He'd been certain of all of that, and it proved out, but it hadn't mattered because Alec hadn't trusted Adam in return and hadn't wanted his gesture.

"Adam, I have a sacred duty. I made a vow to an Angel. Only the priestess is allowed here. I'm not supposed to make exceptions. If I do, I could be punished." But Adam didn't care about that. He wanted Gansey here so that was what mattered. "I don't keep people out because I don't like them. I keep them out because it's dangerous for them to be here."

Folding the wet towel, he put it aside where it wouldn't hurt any of the furniture. Shaking out another, Alec tried to dry off his shoulders. It was probably a lost cause. "Even my family was forbidden to come here after I agreed to stay."

"I made the exception," Adam said, tense. He still wouldn't look up, though he'd stopped eating, gripping his spoon too tightly. "I'm the bridge. It's my role to offer you a connection to the world."

Dropping his spoon, Adam got up and pushed his chair away from the table, continuing to avoid looking at Alec. "I thought you would trust me. It's clear now you never will. The temple won't let me not be here, but I'll try to stay out of your way."

"What if it hadn't worked? What if I was forced to kill him?" Adam didn't want to understand or refused to. "Or what if I was punished like I was at the gate or worse? Angels are not the kind beings that people tell stories about now. Angels smite people who anger them."

Shivering, he wrapped the towel around himself, trying to get warm. Nothing he said would fix this. Nothing would make Adam realize he couldn't do whatever he wanted. Adam didn't even acknowledge that Alec had never been able to see his siblings again. That hurt more than Alec wanted to think about. "It's not about trust. It's about respect. You don't respect my vows and you don't respect what I sacrificed so that someone else wouldn't be forced to be here."

His voice trailed off as he realized that Adam wouldn't listen. He was too stubborn to see the consequences of his actions. If Alec or Gansey got hurt... Why should Adam care if he got hurt? All their conversations about partnerships and courting were based on lies. All Adam wanted was a guard cat.

Which Alec could give him. Tossing the towel onto the floor, he muttered a few words of Latin, imagining dark, sleek fur and eyes that could see in the dark. As that form became more detailed in his mind, the feeling of sodden fabric against his skin faded. When his clothes slipped away, he thought of soft, black paws and sharp fangs. Shaking himself to make sure that all the water had disappeared with his clothes and didn't mar his fur, he sat down. Curling his tail around his front paws in a pose that was similar to one that Persephone favored, he looked up at Adam, waiting to see if the priestess would continue their argument now that he could only yowl.

Adam stared as Alec suddenly started to shift in front of him. His clothes dropped away, crumpling to the floor in flashes of bare skin and velvety dark fur, and then Alec was an enormous predatory cat.

After everything Adam had seen and experienced, he hadn't thought that anything could surprise him anymore, but he'd never imagined that Alec meant guard cat literally.

He'd never been to a zoo, and had never seen a big cat outside of TV. He wasn't sure if they were naturally this big or not, because Alec had lost none of his mass in the shift and the cat seemed intimidatingly enormous.

Staring in bewildered awe for a long moment, it took a few more seconds of silence for Adam's head to tilt as he started to think.

No, he supposed, he didn't respect Alec's vows. Adam needed to be able to pit his will against something, to work in partnership with something, give and take, but even though the temple gave, whenever Adam tried to take, Alec got in the way, stopping Adam and taking the backlash on his behalf, even when the backlash was only hypothetical. Alec told Adam what he couldn't do on the temple or the Angel's behalf, and took Adam's punishments accordingly, but that only made Adam more stubborn and furious, because he couldn't argue, negotiate, or persuade with some ancient tenets that Alec had made a thousand years before.

The problem was unacceptable. Adam needed to fix it. He pressed against the desire to demand that the temple take him to the angel or some avatar of the temple. He considered demanding that the temple give some sign as to whether or not Adam was allowed to permit guests.

Continuing to stare at Alec as he processed, Adam finally rose to his feet, head high and eyes dark with inhuman determination. "No," he decided at last. "I do not accept that your vows are static and unchanging. Your angel gave you your duty, but I am your Messiah. With me, through me, the rules change. If the angel disagrees, he can and will communicate it to me." Adam pulled the tarot cards from his pocket and threw them down upon the table where they splayed out. "He will punish me if I defy what he communicates to me as his will. There is no conflict between your duty and my will. There is no conflict between your vows and my permissions." He reached his hand out, intending to lay it on Alec's head. "Te absolvo."

Alec flicked his tail in amusement and then let it settle over his paws again. He knew that he shouldn't find the situation funny, but Adam looked so shocked by his transformation that he couldn't help being pleased that he finally surprised the priestess. Knowing how intimidating this form could be, he kept his posture relaxed so that Adam wouldn't think he was going to attack.

Cocking his head to one side when Adam stood, he watched the priestess, noticing the strange color of his eyes. If Alec had been out in the mortal world, still a Shadowhunter, he might have been afraid. But this was his place even if the temple responded more to Adam now than him. The temple would not let him be harmed if he was attempting his duties. If Alec wished to hide or slink through the shadows, the temple would let him.

His ears flipped down for a moment before Alec let out an annoyed huff. Messiah? By the Angel, Adam was more disrespectful that he'd thought. Or the priestess was insane. Whichever possibility was true, he hadn't agreed to his vows being changed or to having a messiah. Slowly standing, he waited until Adam finished his speech before rolling his eyes and avoided Adam's outstretched hand. Padding over to the spot that he assumed would be the warmest in the room, he curled up and placed his head on his paws, making sure that he could watch Adam. He doubted that the priestess could seriously injure him but he still wanted to be careful until he was sure of Adam's sanity.

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The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

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