marlowemuses | Lessons

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Lessons

Wei Wuxian had lost hope, but his pride had yet to falter.

The Wen Sect had attacked the Lotus Pier, using Wei Wuxian’s bad attitude as their excuse. He’d lost his home and his foster parents, such as they were, and Jiang Cheng had been bent on revenge. It had ended with them here, branded as traitors to the government. He didn’t know what had happened to Jiang Chen, but he assumed that his fate was much the same.

Time had blurred for him, though the unmarked stretches of time formed a pattern. There was the cold gray cell with the propaganda television upon the wall, proclaiming virtues and sins, and the Wen Sect’s superiority over all. There was the processing room, with the bureaucrat who explained his situation. He was now the property of the state. Because of his youth and his appearance (“Oh, are you saying I’m pretty? You’re not really my type, I don’t really go for lump-faced brown-nosers like you…”), he had the opportunity to be a helpmeet, if he would agree to yield to the training.

Wei Wuxian expressed that he was enjoying their hospitality so very much, he could not possibly wish to leave.

And then there was the torture, which went on for hours, until he wept and screamed. They explained to him that this was still a merciful torture, which left no damage. He still had the opportunity to become a helpmeet. He could serve an honorable clan and be well-treated. (“Oh, are you saying I can be someone’s bitch? I hope they’re prettier than you.”)

After the third round of this, they had informed him that this was his last chance. His last offer. If he would yield to the training and accept his role as a helpmeet, he would be fed and given soft clothes and allowed to rest. If he did not yield, he would suffer far more excruciating torture, and then he would be given the opportunity to enter a work camp or to labor in a mine. The more painful torture would leave him capable of work, but it would leave marks. He would no longer be pretty. (“You really are fixated on me being pretty! I understand that you are in love with me, but really this is no way to go about a courtship!”)

They threw him back in the cell.

Wei Wuxian had some regrets about his insubordination. It would perhaps not be the worst thing to be a helpmeet (especially if he was given to a pretty girl who wanted him as a stud!), but he could not endure yielding his pride and kneeling before some stranger. He did not want to become some mindless, simpering automaton. But the alternative was being tortured until he broke or died. Wei Wuxian was shameless, but he was very proud. He decided that he would be tortured to death before he broke and pleaded for mercy.

The next day, he was brought to a new cell. It was not at all what he expected. It was very large and very white, with a great many lights beaming down from the ceiling. There, they made him kneel in the middle of the floor, and chained his cuffs to a ring in the floor behind him so that he could not slump or stand. Wei Wuxian did not mind this so much. He was accustomed to kneeling.

In front of him was a large mirror that took up the whole wall. He suspected that it was a one-way mirror, so that whoever was on the other side of the glass could watch what happened in the room. Probably Wen Chao, he thought. It would be just like him to want to watch Wei Wuxian’s humiliation and torture, and to not do it himself.

He was left there for a long period of time. At least an hour, but he yet again had no way to tell how much time was passing. This seemed strange to him. Surely this was not the new, worse torture they had promised, and he had not yielded or agreed to cooperate, so there was no reason that they would take mercy on him.

Eventually, the door opened behind him. Wei Wuxian was very curious, so he twisted around to look. It was Lan Zhan!

This was a surprise. Lan Zhan was as flawless as ever, in his white GusuLan Sect clothes that looked like he was in mourning. He looked upright and dignified, so he was certainly not a prisoner here. As far as Wei Wuxian knew, the Lan Sect was still held in esteem by the Wen Sect and the government.

They were not exactly friends. Lan Wangji had never liked him, even though Wei Wuxian was always friendly to him and they had even fought together. Lan Zhan was still too uptight, and Wei Wuxian supposed that Lan Zhan found him inappropriate and annoying. He’d said as much! Almost half the words that Lan Zhan had ever said to him were things like ‘ridiculous’ and ‘pathetic’. Wei Wuxian considered him an ally, and would even have trusted Lan Zhan in most situations, but this was not a good situation. He couldn’t think of any good reason why Lan Zhan would be here, unless he had come to take part in Wei Wuxian’s humiliation.

“Do you work for the Department of Re-Education now, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asked, making his voice light and flippant, as though he had not been exhausted, starved, and tortured for days.

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With a heavy sigh, punishing him will means he's equally responsible at blaming the victim.

Lan Zhan held him tightly, rocking him back and forth to comfort him.

"Wei Ying, I'm not angry now. But do you have any idea how much I love you? The foolish things you said, it is a sin of unfaithfulness. If you're unfaithful behind my back while I'm away, then you committed cheating. With cheating, you become untrustworthy. Do you follow? And for a helpmeet to commit adultery and breaking the law...if you ever get caught, then they'll punish you by putting you in a pig's cage."

Edited 2019-10-28 21:18 (UTC)

"I wouldn't do that," Wei Ying insists, miserable. He feels worthless. Pressing his face into Lan Zhan's neck, he hugs tighter to him. "I wouldn't ever let anyone else touch me. Please, master. I understand. That's not what it was about. I belong to you alone. I saved myself all my life, never even kissing anyone before you. I wanted you to be angry and jealous at me for saying those things to you, but I thought you... I thought you knew I would never do such a thing."

Wei Ying will have to do better. His master doesn't trust him, so he can't say things just to rile him. He is only a common whore to Lan Zhan, nothing more.

Lan Zhan regrets punishing him and didn't want to, but he came from a stance that discipline is necessary to teach a lesson.

"Wei Ying, you shouldn't joke around so flippantly like that. We live in dangerous times. And I am angry and jealous when you said those things because I'm really proud of you. I trust you to be faithful and loyal if I ever leave the house. I want a better life for you, to keep you safe, and give you freedom."

Lan Zhan didn't intend to treat him like a common whore. He intended to rescue his classmate. Yet the lessons at the re-education center, he too becomes conditioned. He become merged with his persona as his master and dominant. This is a side of Lan Zhan that is a part of him. Going back to the way they are before is becoming near impossible. And by law, he is his legal property, so Lan Zhan can do as he will.

"...I'll wait to see if my uncle or brother comes later in the afternoon for lunch. Then we need a lesson in loyalty."

After some thought, with a look of guilt. "I think that was it."

"I was wrong, master," Wei Ying says, quiet and dull. He feels spooked after everything that happened, and can't bear to pull away from the safety and warmth of his master's arms. "I had a foolish idea in my head that I could make you jealous as a lover, but that was wrong. I am only your property. You would be as angry if your guqin spoke harshly to you and tried to make you jealous."

Wei Ying sat up a little, but his head drooped. A few tears spilled down his cheeks. They were a weakness, but that was all he was anymore. He was no longer permitted to be headstrong and proud.

"Wei Ying...aiyah. Wei Ying you'll be the death of me. If you want to flirt and tease, I permit you to do so." Too late. Lan Zhan realized he's too harsh on him and made him cry. Was he a tiger before? Now he wanted to tuck his tail between his legs. "I was jealous, but..." But Lan Zhan he's a poor lover.

"That wasn't necessary. I only have eyes for you. I love you more than that." Lan Zhan trails off because he wanted to stop scolding him. He realized Wei Ying misunderstood, and it's becoming hopeless as Wei Ying tears pulls at his heartstrings. "My guqin isn't...don't be ridiculous...you are far more important."

Lan Zhan can only kiss his tears away and tries to shush him.

"You don't love me," Wei Ying insisted. He tried to stop his crying, but the effort only seemed to make the spill of tears even worse. He kept his eyes closed, refusing to look at Lan Zhan. If he did, the guilt and the betrayal both would crush him, he was sure of it.

The lips on his cheeks are sweet and gentle, and it tugs at Wei Ying's heart, coaxing him to let go of this fight and allow himself to be cared for, but at the same time it makes him want to fight all the harder. "You don't understand, Lan Zhan."

Lifting his head, Wei Ying cupped Lan Zhan's cheek in one hand, studying his eyes. "A possession cannot love you. You may love your guqin, but it cannot love you. How can I?"

He was already crushed by guilt and betrayal, but he forgave him for his weakness. Hearing the words, Lan Zhan pride crumbles again. Wei Ying may believe he's powerless, but the truth is, he has power over him too. For one thing, he makes Lan Zhan listen to him.

Softly, looking to the side. "...Wei Ying. No." After he let the words sink in. Lan Zhan sagged and mumbled, "Damn it, Wei Ying. But I really do, I do love you. Tell me what is it that I don't understand, because I don't understand the things you feel and do."

Answering honestly, he realize maybe he needs to let go to make changes. "I don't know. What makes you happy? Tell me. Perhaps no lessons then? A trip to a tavern in Caiyi town? I can get you Emperor's smiles. Let you dance with a pretty girl and let you forget me for a while? You can't go back to Lotus Pier because it was burned down. Yunmeng isn't safe to go because it was taken over by the Wen clan."

Wei Ying gives a tiny, sad smile at some of the suggestions. Lan Zhan did listen, and Lan Zhan does want him to be happy. "No pretty girls," Wei Ying says, smiling a tiny bit more, because he does not want any pretty girls or to forget Lan Zhan. "Not ever."

Carefully, he extricates himself from Lan Zhan's lap. He kneels again beside him, calmer now, because he believes that he can actually ask for what he wants and Lan Zhan will give it to him.

"Let me live beside you as a friend," Wei Ying says. He lays the forehead ribbon on the floor between them, smoothing it carefully for how he crumpled it in his hand. "I do not wish you to touch me."

In apology for these words and as a plea, Wei Ying bows fully before him, pressing his forehead to the floor in a full kowtow.

Something within Lan Zhan's started to crumble, but it's nothing more than his pride and ego that he learns in the center from the brainwashing programs. The base survival instinct that he clings on. He finds he needs to learn humility in his request and he's going to meditate on it.

Just friends. "Okay, but I need to get an extra bed, a futon for you." After all, Wei Ying still lives with him.

He picks up the headband and wraps it around his head. "Wei Ying, please don't worry. We're friends now."

And make a note to himself, that he's going to need to spend a long time to meditate in the cold spring where it's said it's cold waters can help clean sins and rid of desire.

Wei Ying rises from his bow, but he keeps his eyes down. He feels almost sick with guilt, because he understands the severity of the rejection that he has just delivered. He still remembers all the sweet and possessive things Lan Zhan said to him. Wei Ying understands how much Lan Zhan desires him, strongly enough that he's willing to violate nearly every one of the three thousand rules of the Lan clan in order to have him.

"Thank you, Lan Zhan," he says quietly. He gets up and walks from the room, expecting that Lan Zhan will want to be alone while he copes with what Wei Ying has asked.

Returning to the bedroom, Wei Ying dresses fully, and then busies himself with tidying up. He has never been a tidy person, but right now he needs to keep busy, and he needs to do something to at least partly make up for what he has just done.

In an emotional stupor, trying to recollect what happened. "Of course. I'll be at the waterfall." Space and distance, that's what he needs now.

In his mind, he can never hurt Wei Ying or trapped him. He loves Wei Ying above everything else. But he can be angry and hurt himself for his sake.

After a while, what it seems like he's silent for a long time as Wei Ying becomes busy, Lan Zhan stand on the spot at the doorway for a few long moments. Without saying a word as if he's stuck in a dream and unable to wake up, something inside of him snapped.

It started from everything. His parents. His upbringing. His ideas. His dreams. Love. Hate. Everything.

On the ground, there's his scrolls, his pot of ink, his brushes, and his guqin. Some poems becomes unfinished, incomplete, and not legible because the persona that was built-up from the months prior, in one last act of despair that quickly becomes rage, he smudges the characters over because it's meaningless now, and then in a quiet fit, unable to let go, as if a pot of vineagar was set on fire, he ripped up the scrolls angrily into shreds, knocked the ink pot over of spilled ink over the ground.

With all the emotions contained and bubbled inside, emotions that has no words to expression, the self-control snapped. In one last fit of frustration and rage, of anger against everything, he picked up his guqin and smashed it against the tree. The instrument was splintered into a thousand pieces, strings torn asunder, a broken melody.

His words and mind says one thing, but his heart said something else entirely as it shown in the epic mess of rage that he made as he tear up everything with his strength, like a hurricane of emotions becomes unraveled and Lan Zhan's rationality cannot make sense of the chaos he's feeling.

Therefore Wei Ying has the house to himself. The door is open so nothing blocks him from leaving if he wished. Lan Zhan went to the waterfall to take a long, cold shower for the night and won't return home.

Wei Ying falters and almost falls as he hears the crash of the guqin. He understands that he has broken Lan Wangji's heart, and the guilt of it almost breaks his own.

When it is quiet again, Wei Ying goes out into the front room and sees the devastation. He brings in the pieces of the guqin, spending hours combing the ground to gather every little shard of it. Bringing them inside, he puts the pieces into a chest and shuts it, leaving no sign of the guqin. Then, as it is growing dark, he lights a lamp and cleans up the front room.

He burns most of the ruined poems, but everything else he cleans and puts away neatly.

Scrubbing up the ink stains took him the longest, but at last it was done, almost at dawn.

With the last of the ink and a clean page, Wei Ying wrote out a few lines from a classic poem about two cultivators of legend who had traveled together. They were devoted friends, and when they had died they had been buried together. Wei Ying hoped that the poem would communicate what he intended: devotion and cherished friendship. Lan Zhan was the dearest person in the world to him, and it hurt Wei Ying to know that he had caused him pain.

Then, exhausted, Wei Ying curled up on a mat beside the stove to sleep, because he knew he would be too cold if he tried to sleep anywhere else without Lan Zhan to keep him warm.

Lan Zhan didn't come home that night. He spent all night in that freezing waterfall to cleanse his own wickedness and rid himself of desire from his thoughts. He slept outside regardless how cold it is. Having raised in Gusu winters, being accustomed to cold, he slept for a few hours until the sun rose. He didn't sleep much anyway.

By the time the morning sun rose and warms up over the village of Cloud Recesses, Lan Zhan's mind was clear and he felt like himself again. He felt a weight left him and after hours of meditation, he has an idea. He left the village to go to a nearby town to the morning market.

He didn't return to the jingshi until close to the mid-morning. When the door slides open and he returned home.

"..." He didn't say a word or good morning or hello. Silent as usual. In his hands were four red jars of Emperor Smiles, a bag of fresh fruits and vegetables, and in the other hand, two large raw whole chicken tied together by a string.

He laid the jars of Emperor's smiles respectfully at Wei Ying's feet while heading straight to the kitchen to start wordlessly cooking.

“Good morning, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying greets him with a hesitant smile, which warms when he sees the liquor. He sets the jars aside to enjoy later. As much as he likes liquor, he’s more worried about Lan Zhan right now. He made tea in the morning, and made a little bit of food which he thinks is perfectly edible but might be difficult for anyone else to eat.

Still, he’s glad to see Lan Zhan with real food, since Lan Zhan makes delicious food. He’s also glad to see Lan Zhan seemingly unharmed. After Lan Zhan’s outburst last night, Wei Ying was very worried about his safety. “Welcome home. I made some tea. It’s a little oversteeped. Thank you for the liquor, Lan Zhan.” He’s not usually this careful or cordial, but he’s worried about Lan Zhan and wants to be careful with him. “I’m glad you’re safe.”

Lan Zhan is in the kitchen. There's a dish he has in mind to make for the both of them, real food since he didn't make any last night. Wei Ying worries for nothing other than he may have caught a cold from sulking outside the other night. He is calm now with no desire.

"You did?" He might as well helped himself to the tea and the food Wei Ying makes. "It's good. Thank you." It's slightly bland, but it's all right.

Lan Zhan guiltily looks over at the spot where he sat last night. "The guqin...? Where is it?" Since he remembered he smashed it the other night. He shouldn't have done that since it was an expensive instrument and he now has to borrow another clan member's guqin or string instrument and not his own to play.

"I put it away," Wei Ying tenses a little, nervous. He thinks he might try to very carefully put the tiny pieces of the guqin back together, but it will be an exhaustive task that may not be possible. But he wants it tucked away out of Lan Zhan's sight at least until he's sure that Lan Zhan isn't going to destroy anything else.

Sitting quietly as he sips at his tea and watches Lan Zhan, Wei Ying worries more. He's not entirely sure how to behave now or what is expected of him. He knows that he's safe and that Lan Zhan won't demand anything of him other than reasonable adherence to the Lan clan rules whenever he's outside of the jingshi.

"...Put it away?" Guqins are hard to make and put together, the strings won't be tuned right.

Lan Zhan sighed. "...Forget it. Give it up. I'll get a new one. It as good as firewood. There's the flute. You could play that." It was a suggestion. "So wherever you put it, put it in the stove. The house is cold."

At that, he washed his hands and his chickens as he gets ready to chop it up for dinner, make soup, boil rice, add seasoning, and resolve to speak little as usually does.

Wei Ying takes that as a request, and right now he is very inclined to fulfill any request from Lan Zhan. He fetches his flute and sits down in the kitchen out of the way, playing a sweet, wistful little ballad. He avoids anything romantic, just choosing songs about home and family.

He relaxes as he plays, feeling content to be here with Lan Zhan. His unhappiness and conflict from the days before has eased now. He still feels uncertainty, since he isn't really sure what his role will be or how he'll fill his days, but he doesn't want to be anywhere else.

"I'm happy to be here with you, Lan Zhan," Wei Ying says, as he finishes a song. He wants Lan Zhan to know that his heartbreak wasn't for nothing. "I like this." Resting his chin in his hand, he watches Lan Zhan cooking. He thinks of his promise and is glad for it. No pretty girls, ever. Even if the two of them are only ever chastely devoted friends, Wei Ying is glad to have Lan Zhan by his side for the rest of his life.

"..." Lan Zhan finds he is out of words to speak. It's strange as he is empty of desire. It was so cold at the waterfall that he has chosen to literally freeze if it means not hurting Wei Ying anymore and make him cry. When he emerges, he willed himself to forget.

The songs of the flute are familiar to him as it fills the house, it distracts him. He chops the chicken, boils it, seasoning it well. "..." Lan Zhan wants to speak, but no words. Gone. No desire. Just his body fulfilling the purpose to work. But if Wei Ying is happy and feels safe, this is fine.

With whatever the last ounce of his strength, he managed fixed dinner for both of them. A simple dish of soy sauce chicken with rice. Wei Ying's plate has red chili to make it spicy.

"You must be hungry. Please eat." That's all he said and after Lan Zhan finished his meal with his tea since he's more worried if Wei Ying has something to eat, at last feeling exhausted from last night, he collapsed on the bed as he came down from a cold and a fever.

"Wei Ying. The stove...put wood in it to make fire warm."

Wei Ying stands when Lan Zhan collapses onto his bed, immediately worried about him. Lan Zhan was often so quiet and impassive, and Wei Ying hadn't noticed anything was wrong until Lan Zhan suddenly laid down like that. He came quickly to his side, touching Lan Zhan's cheeks and finding him burning with fever. "Of course. Right away."

He stokes the fire warm to heat the room, and then goes outside to find a couple of large stones to put inside the stove. It was something that his shijie had taught him, for when he had colds in the winter. He leaves them to heat up, and then returns to Lan Zhan's side, tucking him carefully into the blankets. "Any better, Lan Zhan?"

As the fire becomes kindled, the house becomes warmer as the warmth spreads.

"Mm. Better. Thank you." Lan Zhan draws the blanket toward to himself. He realized he's fatigue and getting sick, as he felt exhausted all the time. "Don't worry. I'll see the village doctor tomorrow." There's a cough to start.

There's only one bed though and Lan Zhan didn't get an extra bed. Quietly, he must share his thoughts, recalling them when he was at the waterfall before he can call Wei Ying to share the bed with him as a trusting friend again.

"...Wei Ying, it wasn't your fault. For everything. In the beginning, I was trying to save you. I have chosen too. Becoming that...wasn't my intention. You are my friend and classmate."

"You saved me," Wei Ying assures him, stroking Lan Zhan's forehead and staying close by his side. "You love me. Don't worry, you've proven that twice over now. I trust you. You're the most precious person in all the world to me. I want to spend the rest of my life at your side." Smiling at him, Wei Ying cups his cheek for a moment and just watches him. "Rest, Lan Zhan. I'll keep you warm."

Taking off his outer garment, Wei Ying climbs into the bed beside him, tucking close to share as much of his warmth as possible. He rests his head on Lan Zhan's shoulder and his hand over Lan Zhan's chest. "I'll stay with you, Lan Zhan. You don't have to worry."

Lan Zhan gingerly lifted the blanket, and this is what he likes the most with Wei Ying, and is most fond of. Sharing the bed and the warmth, and sharing pillow thoughts and simply talk. But he refrains from hugging him and touching him unless Wei Ying him wanted too.

"..." He lies back down on the bed. He hasn't slept properly last night. "My parents died when I was young, so I'm worried about people leaving me. I have an uncle, brother, and my rabbits. I taught the juniors. But it was lonely." He said, being candid.

This is comforting, that Wei Ying willingly comes to him. Though Lan Zhan wasn't too confident. He removes his headband and set it aside. "I'll get you a bed as soon as I could. This must be inconvienent to you."

"It's not inconvenient," Wei YIng says, glad that Lan Zhan isn't uncomfortable having him close. "You're warm. I'm always cold here without you. I slept alone last night, and I would much rather sleep beside you."

He nuzzles very slightly at Lan Zhan's shoulder, making sure that the blanket is tugged up and that Lan Zhan is tucked in warmly. "I won't leave you, Lan Zhan. I am content to spend the rest of my life with you. I know that is not something which we have much choice about, but there is no where I would rather be. I want to live here, in Gusu, in this jingshi, with you. I promise. Even if the government changes, I will stay by your side."

His body relaxed as he felt warm for the first time since before their fight. Wei Ying had also slept very little, and he quickly became drowsy. "Are you warm enough, Er-Gege?"

"Wei Ying. I don't know... If I have money, let's run away somewhere. Maybe another country." But Lan Zhan doesn't have much money. His brother and uncle has money, so he's at the bottom of the Lan family hierarchy. "I heard over the west, across the ocean, people are free without fear." But finding a vehicle to travel that far is impossible.

"I'm warm. Thank you, Wei Ying." Lan Zhan remains as still as possible. Have Wei Ying come to him without fear. But he turns away, facing the wall. Not touching him or stroking his hair. It's difficult, he likes being affectionate to Wei Ying through touch.

"...I am here. You won't be cold as long as I'm here. You're a good friend for not leaving me. I wish you have a home to go back to."

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