marlowemuses | Lessons

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Lessons

Wei Wuxian had lost hope, but his pride had yet to falter.

The Wen Sect had attacked the Lotus Pier, using Wei Wuxian’s bad attitude as their excuse. He’d lost his home and his foster parents, such as they were, and Jiang Cheng had been bent on revenge. It had ended with them here, branded as traitors to the government. He didn’t know what had happened to Jiang Chen, but he assumed that his fate was much the same.

Time had blurred for him, though the unmarked stretches of time formed a pattern. There was the cold gray cell with the propaganda television upon the wall, proclaiming virtues and sins, and the Wen Sect’s superiority over all. There was the processing room, with the bureaucrat who explained his situation. He was now the property of the state. Because of his youth and his appearance (“Oh, are you saying I’m pretty? You’re not really my type, I don’t really go for lump-faced brown-nosers like you…”), he had the opportunity to be a helpmeet, if he would agree to yield to the training.

Wei Wuxian expressed that he was enjoying their hospitality so very much, he could not possibly wish to leave.

And then there was the torture, which went on for hours, until he wept and screamed. They explained to him that this was still a merciful torture, which left no damage. He still had the opportunity to become a helpmeet. He could serve an honorable clan and be well-treated. (“Oh, are you saying I can be someone’s bitch? I hope they’re prettier than you.”)

After the third round of this, they had informed him that this was his last chance. His last offer. If he would yield to the training and accept his role as a helpmeet, he would be fed and given soft clothes and allowed to rest. If he did not yield, he would suffer far more excruciating torture, and then he would be given the opportunity to enter a work camp or to labor in a mine. The more painful torture would leave him capable of work, but it would leave marks. He would no longer be pretty. (“You really are fixated on me being pretty! I understand that you are in love with me, but really this is no way to go about a courtship!”)

They threw him back in the cell.

Wei Wuxian had some regrets about his insubordination. It would perhaps not be the worst thing to be a helpmeet (especially if he was given to a pretty girl who wanted him as a stud!), but he could not endure yielding his pride and kneeling before some stranger. He did not want to become some mindless, simpering automaton. But the alternative was being tortured until he broke or died. Wei Wuxian was shameless, but he was very proud. He decided that he would be tortured to death before he broke and pleaded for mercy.

The next day, he was brought to a new cell. It was not at all what he expected. It was very large and very white, with a great many lights beaming down from the ceiling. There, they made him kneel in the middle of the floor, and chained his cuffs to a ring in the floor behind him so that he could not slump or stand. Wei Wuxian did not mind this so much. He was accustomed to kneeling.

In front of him was a large mirror that took up the whole wall. He suspected that it was a one-way mirror, so that whoever was on the other side of the glass could watch what happened in the room. Probably Wen Chao, he thought. It would be just like him to want to watch Wei Wuxian’s humiliation and torture, and to not do it himself.

He was left there for a long period of time. At least an hour, but he yet again had no way to tell how much time was passing. This seemed strange to him. Surely this was not the new, worse torture they had promised, and he had not yielded or agreed to cooperate, so there was no reason that they would take mercy on him.

Eventually, the door opened behind him. Wei Wuxian was very curious, so he twisted around to look. It was Lan Zhan!

This was a surprise. Lan Zhan was as flawless as ever, in his white GusuLan Sect clothes that looked like he was in mourning. He looked upright and dignified, so he was certainly not a prisoner here. As far as Wei Wuxian knew, the Lan Sect was still held in esteem by the Wen Sect and the government.

They were not exactly friends. Lan Wangji had never liked him, even though Wei Wuxian was always friendly to him and they had even fought together. Lan Zhan was still too uptight, and Wei Wuxian supposed that Lan Zhan found him inappropriate and annoying. He’d said as much! Almost half the words that Lan Zhan had ever said to him were things like ‘ridiculous’ and ‘pathetic’. Wei Wuxian considered him an ally, and would even have trusted Lan Zhan in most situations, but this was not a good situation. He couldn’t think of any good reason why Lan Zhan would be here, unless he had come to take part in Wei Wuxian’s humiliation.

“Do you work for the Department of Re-Education now, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asked, making his voice light and flippant, as though he had not been exhausted, starved, and tortured for days.

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"A bedtime story, huh?" Wei Ying says. He reaches over and ruffles Lan Zhan's hair a little, which makes A-Yuan bat at his offending hand and say "No. Bad Wei Ying."

Wei Ying laughs at this, but he leaves off the hair ruffling. "Very wicked."

"Yes," A-Yuan agrees. "Wicked. Now story."

"Now story," Wei Ying repeats. "A very very long time ago, there was an emperor who was afraid of the dark."

He tells a story that his shijie once told to him to help him sleep, and he smiles as he watches Lan Zhan and A-Yuan. Wei Ying is a good storyteller, with different voices for all the characters and dramatic facial expressions. At the end, when everyone lives happily ever after, he laughs and kisses the top of A-Yuan's head. "And that is why we have stars."

"That's a very good story, Wei Ying." He murmured.

Lan Zhan was very captivated by his story about the emperor as Wei Ying becomes animated with each character, giving them life. This is a side of Wei Ying he has never seen before...and Lan Zhan realized one day, he has to show him a side of himself also.

By the time Wei Ying finished and the story ended, he drifted off to sleep with the warmth of his family huddled close on the bed. This feeling is the most comforting thing to him in the world in his jingshi, that he wouldn't have it any other way.

Wei Ying slept deeply, feeling safe and warm with A-Yuan and Lan Zhan so close to him. Knowing that they were both safe and nearby soothed him, and he felt warmer than he had in weeks. Lan Zhan radiated so much heat, but their nights together had been stiff and distant since Wei Ying had said he only wanted to be friends.

"Lan Zhan," he murmured in his sleep, as he dreamed of saying the words that he kept thinking, that he couldn't seem to stop thinking. "I love you, Lan Zhan."

As Wei Ying said those whispers of love in his dreams, Lan Zhan is so far away. He is as cold and distant as the moon itself. In those dreams, Lan Zhan is dreamless and was lost or drowning, that he couldn't find himself. Yet his heart is yearning and full of wanting. Emotions that he suppressed and seek distraction in his work, and doesn't give it a voice and pushed back with self-restraint.

In the middle of the night, golden eyes open sleepily, a blurred vision. He sees Wei Ying sleeping. He reaches out to him, but the child is between them. He caressed his soft cheeks, trailed his soft pink lips, twirling his fingers in his black hair.

"..." Grumbling, he can't reach to kiss him. The child will get a bed of his own immediately tomorrow morning and he went back to sleep until the Gusu rooster's crows in the morning.

Both Lan Zhan and Wen Yuan are awake and active before Wei Ying finally wakes up, mostly from A-Yuan nudging at him and saying "Wei Ying wake up, the rooster says wake up."

Yawning, Wei Ying got up and mussed A-Yuan's hair in revenge, accepting some tea and helping to get A-Yuan ready for the day. The soup he'd made last night was still good, and Wei Ying had more of it for breakfast. They couldn't afford to be picky about such things while food was still so scarce.

"Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said, as he bundled up and prepared to head out for the day. "I'll come back for lunch. Will you... I want to tell you about something."

After breakfast, Lan Zhan is set to seek his brother about finding a bed for the child and enrolled him in the classes with the other young juniors to start his education and training early. He puts his robe and is heading out the door.

"Mn? If you want to talk, it has to wait later." As usual, Lan Zhan now developed this tendency to push back and distract himself with work in the same usual distant expression, putting a distance between him and Wei Ying purposely.

And out the door he goes, being gone for a while, leaving Wei Ying with the child.

Wei Ying's heart aches as Lan Zhan leaves so abruptly, so that Wei Ying isn't sure that he'll come back for lunch, or maybe not for days. He feels painfully lonely, and wants Lan Zhan to hold him with a desperation that feels pitiful.

Picking Wen Yuan up quickly, Wei Ying buries his face in Wen Yuan's shoulder so that he won't feel so painfully alone.

"Wei Ying," A-Yuan says, patting worriedly at him.

"Come on, lazybones," Wei Ying says, putting A-Yuan back down on his feet. "We have to go to work. We can come home for lunch."

"Wei Ying, when does Lan-papa come home?" A-Yuan asks.

"Lunch," Wei Ying lies, hoping. "He'll come and join us for lunch."

He make sure to get back early, heating food for the three of them and trying not to ache with loneliness. He'd managed without Lan Zhan for weeks, barely seeing him for a few days here and there. But he couldn't bear all of that anymore, especially not with Lan Zhan keeping him distant.

After he spoke with his brother about the child to register him to be part of the Lan Clan, eventually Lan Zhan did return for lunch because he remembers Wei Ying does indeed cook, though in the past Lan Zhan is the one who did all the cooking. Nowadays, he doesn't have the motivation to do so.

Wordless as usual, he gives a nod to Wei Ying. "...Wei Ying." He's true to his word that he has the entire day to stay with them. While he leaves abruptly, he usually notifies Wei Ying how long he'll be gone and when he returns. "A-Yuan you'll start class tomorrow morning and join the other children."

Part of him is aware of the issue, but he is reluctant to speak about it. This normal routine of just existing and tolerating, eating together, and working. He's fine with it. Being friends and being together by necessity and surviving, but no passion for being together.

Wei Ying provides bowls of food for all of them, but this time he doesn't tease A-Yuan as they eat. He wants to press Lan Zhan again, to insist on speaking to him, but now he doubts himself. Lan Zhan doesn't want to speak to him. Lan Zhan doesn't want to hear the foolishness that Wei Ying has to say.

He feels uncertain and adrift in a way that he hasn't since Lan Zhan first brought him home as a helpmeet. It makes him think that maybe that empty feeling isn't something that can ever be fixed, and maybe it's just something that's a part of him.

"Wei Ying," A-Yuan says, grabbing Wei Ying's knee and shaking it.

Wei Ying doesn't answer him.

A-Yuan turns to Lan Zhan for help, confused and scared by a situation where Wei Ying isn't confident and teasing. "He's sad."

Lan Zhan heard the child. "...I see."

Lan Zhan quietly drinks his tea, contemplating. His expression remains stony and cold as ever as he felt something begin to pummel when Wei Ying wanted to speak to him. Taking a deep breath

"Little one, please go outside and play. I need to speak to Wei Ying and talk to him."

A-Yuan looked from one to the other, worried about them and not wanting to leave them alone, but he trusted Lan Zhan, so he went.

Wei Ying watched him go, and then looked over at Lan Zhan. He wasn't quite sure whether Lan Zhan was creating the space he had asked for, when Wei Ying had asked to talk, or if Lan Zhan had something else he wanted to say. Wei Ying felt like he was in trouble somehow.

He didn't say anything, waiting to see what Lan Zhan wanted to say.

Lan Zhan waited for the child to obediently leave. Now he has Wei Ying all to himself, a space to talk without the child present and worrying him. It's simply grown-up matters that shouldn't worry someone that young.

Sensing Wei Ying's anxiety and sadness since the beginning, especially when he's gone for days, working for weeks to make ends meet, he sensed the trouble and distance grown between them and he knew he's being unfair to him.

Gently, "...Wei Ying. Do you wish to talk about it? What's on your mind?"

Wei Ying smiles a tiny bit, grateful that Lan Zhan wants to listen and has created this opportunity for them to talk at last.

"I miss you so much when you're away," Wei Ying says, which isn't at all what he had planned to say, but the words aren't as easy as they are in dreams.

He gets up, not looking at Lan Zhan, and goes to a cupboard in the wall. From it, he draws out a large bundle wrapped in white cloth, cradling it his arms with the same affection and care that he used with A-Yuan. He brings it back over and lays it on the floor in front of Lan Zhan.

The technique is something that he had to develop by himself. Nothing like it has ever been done before. Every night, he read for hours, studying the properties of woodgrain, and then he set to work. He had pieced the broken guqin together like a puzzle, and then he had poured spiritual energy into it to coax the wood to heal. He knew already how to use spiritual energy to heal other humans, and there were certain techniques like that which could revive and even repair dead flesh, but no one had ever tried to use it on wood.

Some of the pieces were missing entirely. They had been smashed into a dust that was too small for Wei Ying to have found when he gathered all the fragments, or the fragment had been lost. He filled in the gaps with clear resin, which strung like spiderwebs through the flesh of the instrument.

When it had been finished, and all the wood had been healed as best as he could manage, Wei Ying had strung the instrument, and learned from books how to tune it. The basic musical tuning of it was easy enough for him, but the sound of the instrument was permanently altered. It sounded strange and unearthly, even in the few testing plucks Wei Ying had done. He doesn't know if Lan Zhan will reject it again as a failure, and cast it into the fire as he had promised to do.

Lan Zhan swallowed hard as he felt emotions that he buried deep within. Emotions of his guilt and shame. When the broken pieces being mended, Lan Zhan can't help but to stare at him hopelessly as the instrument is being pieced back together again.

"Wei Ying, no...you shouldn't have. I told you to throw it away as firewood. I already found another one. I even learn to play the erhu for my shows." But it's too late, he couldn't stop him. For once, Lan Zhan sat in place hopelessly as he watches Wei Ying so meticulously put the pieces together. He didn't expect this, not at all, hence his surprise and shock.

Softly again, "Wei Ying, please. Even like that, it won't..." But he was defeated. Why Wei Ying was so kind and thoughtful to him?

Lan Zhan picks up the guqin and examined it. It was whole again, but he felt different even though he reluntantly pluck a tune and it almost sounds as good as it was before. But he felt detached from it and his initial reaction is to reject it. Yet in a few moments, he decides out of practicality to keep it because guqins are expensive instruments and thought about the value of it and because Wei Ying put so much thought and energy into putting it back together again for him.

Gingerly he lifted the instrument to put on the table, but he has no will to play it and Lan Zhan stare at it with a hollow look. Since the first one, he sold it, and this second one, he broke it out of rage, which he regret it later.

"Thank you, Wei Ying. It's beautiful..." The thought and care he puts it together counts, but Lan Zhan's expression reveals it doesn't get to the heart of the issue of why he's distant.

"Is this what you wanted to show me?"

Wei Ying's heart aches as he watches him, and he feels that he should not speak. He has already done enough damage. He has already caused enough pain.

The guqin alone cannot communicate what he means, and he knows that. If he doesn't speak, then the guqin is only a reminder of Lan Zhan's pain, and there is a certain cruelty in such a gift.

"I love you," Wei Ying says. He watches Lan Zhan with desperate hope, wanting to be able to mend both their hearts and frightened that Lan Zhan will not want him back. "I want to make love with you every day for the rest of our lives."

"..." Upon hearing that, Lan Zhan trembles with emotion and he is in tears. Does he love him? He finds it hard to believe, even though he already knows, he had been waiting for so long to hear those words from him.

It was then the truth spilled out as to why he's behaving distant and enforce this loneliness. Lan Zhan fingers slide over the strings and pluck a note. His voice a whisper, "But I...I force myself upon you. So I ran away." Ran away to towns, get lost in people, get lost in the wildest places, get distracted to find purpose. "I was thinking you'll forget about it. You don't have to love me. It wasn't..." With difficulty to finish. "Necessary. We can live side by side like this. It's fine."

Wei Ying moves to his side and puts his arms around Lan Zhan's neck, hugging close to him because he cannot bear to be apart from him any longer. "You saved me, Lan Zhan," Wei Ying corrects, replacing Lan Zhan's version with his own. "You loved me. You protected me. But I couldn't love you while I still had no choice about it. You gave me a choice." He kisses softly at the side of Lan Zhan's neck and cheek, trying to comfort him and to assure him that this is true. "I choose you. I've wanted you every day. I love you, Lan Zhan. I want to marry you. Please. I want to be yours."

Lan Zhan never allows himself to cry, having long raised believing it to be a weakness. His love and passion for Wei Ying is what gives him strength since the war began as passionate as sacrificing everything.

When Wei Ying wraps his arms around him his love is really getting through his heart. He's starting to believe it. "I really miss this, Wei Ying." He said, sniffing as he hugs him back and he becomes warm again. In his mind, he finally hears him, cannot enforce himself to be deaf and mute and withdrawn. He's coming back to him.

He repeats after him. Each word slowly, "Mn....love you...Want you...marry you...being yours. Everyday. It's you who I love. Only you!"

His heart races and seize by his desire last night, he pounces on Wei Ying to the floor, greeting him with a crushing embrace chest to chest, heart pounding, as his lips pressed on his cheek and neck, with a rain of kisses.

"Love you..." Kiss. "Can't be anyone but you..." Kiss kiss. "Want you!"

Wei Ying laughs with delight as Lan Zhan suddenly pounces him, hugging him tight. "Lan Zhan, Er-Gege, my husband," he replies, giggling at the rain of kisses and returning them as best he can. He tangles his legs around Lan Zhan's waist, embracing him with legs and arms so that Lan Zhan cannot leave him again.

Finally he feels forgiven, and loved, and truly safe. Lan Zhan loves him, and Lan Zhan has proven that he will give anything, even breaking his own heart, to make Wei Ying happy. "Lan Zhan, I love you, I need you, please, please fuck me."

"...Not married yet. Soon. I want to marry you." He murmured dreamily.

Lan Zhan's breath becomes rapid and hot. His body feeling hot with want as his hands search him, groping him greedily, and not holding back. His hands are hot as slides beneath his tunic, rolling them up to see Wei Ying's pale body and pair of nipples.

Pressing his hips against him, slowly grinding. He descended on his nipples to suck on him wetly, licking at him. "Mm. Wei Ying." He moans deeply, his eyes hazed over with lust. This body and soul of his, it's like a dream. "So warm..."

Wei Ying feels like he is home at last as Lan Zhan's hands, and he's no longer afraid. He trusts Lan Zhan, and he's freed without the pressure of needing to be obedient to him. If he obeys Lan Zhan, it is from pleasure and love, and Wei Ying likes the thought of that.

"Gege," Wei Ying moans, tugging on Lan Zhan's clothing as best he can, though he is distracted by the strength of Lan Zhan's hands and the wet heat of his mouth. "Kiss me," he begs.

He stops for a moment, with a nod, and Lan Zhan undresses. The cold in the jingshi made him hiss softly. He craves that body heat and closes, wanting to be close as much as he can.

"Mn...kiss you." He whispered and slowly, wanting to feel him, his mouth travels up, placing kisses on his collarbone, on his the hollow of his throat, and then on his lips, his tongue slides inside to kiss him wetly.

Wei Ying watches hungrily as Lan Zhan undresses for him. He's so beautiful, and Wei Ying aches for him. Lan Zhan is his, and Wei Ying is so grateful to have him.

Lan Zhan settles atop him again, and Wei Ying winds his arms and legs around him, welcoming him back. He whines needily at the other kisses, even as they move upward to his mouth, and finally he has what he needs. Moaning shamelessly as Lan Zhan's tongue claims his mouth, Wei Ying slides his hands down Lan Zhan's back, blunt nails digging into Lan Zhan's skin as he clings possessively to him.

Lan Zhan continues to kiss him hungrily, craving his kisses while touching him, groping him greedily, feeling skin and warmth while he was away on those long weeks, trying to forget. He aches for him, wanting to connect to him.

"Wei Ying..." He moans, panting in the kisses, whining as he felt his own cock begin to harden and throb and ache against the fabric of his pants.

"Lan Zhan," Wei Ying begs in return, grinding up against Lan Zhan's hard length. He's so desperate for him, feeling like he might die if he has to go without kisses for even a moment, if he doesn't have Lan Zhan inside of him in seconds. "Please, Lan Zhan, I need you to fuck me. Please, get the oil. Please fuck me."

He doesn't want to let go, but this is a higher priority, so he untangles his arms and legs so that they can attend to the basic practicalities of preparing his body. After weeks of being apart, Wei Ying knows that he's going to be tight.

While Lan Zhan fetches oil, Wei Ying scrambles out of the rest of his clothes, shivering in the cold air of the jingshi as he follows after Lan Zhan to the bedroom, where the bottle of oil is still in the same place in the table by the bed. "Lan Er-Gege," Wei Ying murmurs, flirtatious as he stands naked in the doorway.

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