marlowemuses | The One Secret I Never Told You

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The One Secret I Never Told You

Ronan was coming home.

He'd sent ahead, Adam supposed. Letter or telegram. And he'd said... what? Adam had no idea. No one had even bothered to tell him. He'd overheard some of the other servants discussing preparations.

That stung, though it shouldn't. He'd always known that their childhood friendship was temporary. Illusory. He'd been a bauble to Ronan, a friendship that came easily and could be cheaply kept.

And when Ronan had been old enough, he'd left. That made sense, too. His father's death, the upheaval of his life, the culmination of the conflict between Ronan and Declan.

What hurt was that he hadn't needed Adam anymore.

Squeaks and whispers preceded the general bustle of servants toward the main hall. Adam stayed out of the way, stealing toward an upper window to catch a glimpse. He wouldn't be missed among the larger array of servants. He was only an under-footman, after all.

Hidden behind a lace curtain, Adam peeked out to watch as Ronan descended from the coach. He'd grown. Taller than Adam remembered. His charming black curls were gone, shorn to a short bristle. The man he'd become was someone handsome and commanding, drawing attention like a thunderstorm.

Adam's heart thudded, then clenched.

Oh.

He'd hoped, all those years, that ignoring his childhood crush would make it go away. That Ronan's distance would make Adam forget him, so that he could focus once and for all on his career. His career, which was the only thing that mattered. The only thing he had left.

Seeing Ronan brought it all back, with more intensity than ever.

Adam was in love with him. And always had been.

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"Yeah?" Adam asked, smiling fondly. He couldn't stop watching Ronan, now that he felt like he could, now that he had security that they were equals. "I'm proud of you."

He was, too. He was proud that Ronan knew how to cook and do some cleaning, that he wasn't like Declan, who couldn't even dress himself without a valet.

"You grew up nice," Adam said, quiet and just a little shy, grinning and dropping his eyes nervously as he thought about that glimpse he'd gotten of Ronan in the bath.

Proud of him. Ronan stilled a bit at that, closing his eyes and inhaling gently. Having someone be proud of him... that was a new feeling. An old feeling. Something he hadn't felt in a long time. Adam was proud of him. Even if it was for something as smile as cooking. Washing clothes.

The comment about him growing up nice had him blushing a bit. Grunting, he rubbed the back of his neck, looking away and then back to Adam.

"You too." Adam had blossomed even in ... well, Declan's damned house. There was a saying about that, wasn't there? The most beautiful flowers could bloom from cracks in concrete.

"We're both old now, huh?"

"Still young," Adam said. "Although you did rather promise that we'd grow old together. Could be a long time."

He took a bite, quiet briefly and then bursting out suddenly with, "I want to leave. Right now. Today."

Immediately feeling foolish, he dropped his eyes and fidgeted. "After breakfast. I don't want to stay here one minute longer than I have to. We can book a room at a hotel."

There was a note of utter desperation in his voice, of fear. He'd been trapped in this nightmare for most of his life, and his dream had finally returned. He wanted to escape with Ronan before the trap of his life fell shut around him.

Ronan almost spat out his coffee. Almost.

"Today?" he asked, incredulous. That was fast. Faster than fast. But looking at Adam, staring down as he sat in that chair, Ronan didn't really need to ask why. What they had could not be saved by the sanctuary of the Barns. Every second on Declan's property was a second where something could go wrong and pull them apart. Ronan didn't want that.

Rubbing his knuckles and chewing on his lip, Ronan considered. "I... guess we could. But I don't know about after breakfast; I still need to go through father's things, and then there's another matter that I'm supposed to handle. One of dad's old clients, Greenmantle, apparently wanted to talk to me. Not sure about what." Declan was supposed to set it up. That was another thing they would have covered yesterday had Ronan not dropped a few very powerful bombs on his brother.

"Think you'd be ready to go tonight?"

Adam was ready to go now. He wanted to run, as far and as fast as they could, until they could find a sanctuary where the world outside could never touch him.

The name Greenmantle made it all the worse.

He didn't know the name, not really, didn't know what it meant. But it itched at him, tingling in the back of his throat and fluttering in his heart, all threat. He'd heard the name before, in passing, but couldn't remember why or when. It was trouble, he was sure of it. The problem was, Adam had no reason for his feeling, and he felt utterly unreasonable in suggesting that they flee like criminals.

"Tonight is fine," he said, the words sticking in his mouth. "I'll pack your things. Do you want me to assist you in going through your father's possessions?"

"Please," he said, a smile creeping up on his lips. "Let's go through it together." They could share memories of his father, of their childhood, choosing the items to keep for their new home.

"And I'll help you pack. You don't have to do all the work." He was determined to treat Adam like his equal when, at the very least, they were alone. Why should Adam have to shoulder it all? Ronan wasn't helpless, and it wasn't the kind of relationship he wanted to have.

"I think he's coming by today, around lunch." Ronan shrugged. "Said he wants to meet me alone or something. Maybe he wants me to pick up my dad's work? I'm not going to, though. It's not for me." Trading and acquiring rare objects was not his thing even if he had a talent for it. It wasn't Declan's thing either, though he liked to pretend it was.

"After that, I'll have a hotel booked for us. Sound good?"

"Tell him to fuck off," Adam suggested. He got to his feet with a sigh, starting to tidy up the dishes. "That sounds good. Let's go through your dad's stuff first, we may want to pack some of it."

Restless and spooked for no reason he could put his finger on, Adam set down the plates and reached out for Ronan, hooking an arm around his waist and pulling him in close. He tilted his head up, taking a kiss to help reassure and calm himself.

Ronan thrilled in Adam reaching to kiss him. It was every dream he'd ever had. Every want. Having Adam and Adam wanting him back. It made him forget about weird old Greenmantle altogether; he kissed back, tilting his head and closing his eyes, feeling warmed in a way he hadn't felt in so long. Love. An incredible thing. Reaching up, he smoothed some of Adam's hair back, giving his partner a toothy grin once their kiss reached its end.

"I'll tell him to fuck off. Just for you." Breaking away, Ronan hopped over the ledge and slid down the ladder, making his way to the doors of the barn and peeking his head out to see if the box had been delivered. It had.

It was more of a trunk, really, and Ronan dragged it inside.

"It's probably mostly junk," he grunted, kicking it open, "because Declan would never give up anything worthwhile. Asshole."

Inside were a mix of things. A few rings Niall Lynch had favored, some old notes, odds and ends that had delighted the man. Some preserved roses that he had given Ronan's mother on their first meeting. An old jacket that he had loved.

Ronan tugged out something that caught his eye. A rosary, with red beads. His father's. He frowned and pressed the beads to his lips, closing his eyes.

"... Thought they buried him in these. Guess Declan fucked that up too."

Adam lost himself in the kiss, letting himself forget all the pain and indignation he'd suffered. None of that mattered anymore, and with Ronan kissing him, it was all too easy to let it melt away.

He felt adrift when Ronan let go, and he trailed dazedly after him, leaning over the ledge of the loft to see what he was doing--leaving. No, just getting the trunk.

Adam followed him down the ladder at a more sensible pace, hovering over him and watching him go through the trunk. He felt as though he was intruding, and didn't dare to touch anything in the trunk or even to get too close. This was Ronan's birthright. Adam was an outsider.

Ronan looked up at Adam, lips still pressed to the prayer beads. Standing upright, he walked over and took one of Adam's hands in his. With the other, he laced the old beads around Adam's wrist, knotting them carefully so they wouldn't slide off.

"Mom always said that keeping them on you kept you safe," Ronan explained, tracing his nail along the blue of Adam's veins, along his wrist where the beads crossed. "He wasn't wearing them that day. Packed them up for a trip, I guess. It probably wouldn't have mattered though."

Bowing, he pressed a kiss to the middle of Adam's wrist, between where the beads wrapped and crossed.

"Maybe they'll work for you."

"And what will keep you safe?" Adam asked, watching as Ronan's finger traced over his skin, over the beads. His breath caught at the kiss, and he stepped close, pressing a soft kiss to Ronan's throat. "You're what keeps me safe, Ronan. You always have been. As long as you're at my side, nothing can hurt me. So you should wear the beads."

And never leave my side again, Adam thought, keeping his eyes on Ronan's throat rather than his face.

"I want you to," he insisted, not moving now that Adam was so close, pressed to his throat. Adam probably wouldn't appreciate the fact that Ronan cared more about his well-being than his own—so he didn't say it.

"I have my own, anyway. Those'll keep me safe."

They were packed away in his own trunk. Better to keep them there for the move.

Sliding his hand down, he threaded their fingers together so he could give Adam's hand a reassuring squeeze. There was still a lot to say. What they were, how things would be, all the things he missed while he was gone... and standing like this, here, with Adam, he didn't feel inclined to continue digging through the trunk.

"Okay?"

"No," Adam said, squeezing Ronan's hand tight in return. "It won't be okay until we're far away from here. I don't... there's something wrong, Ronan, something about Greenmantle, I... I don't remember, I must have heard something, but it wasn't important at the time."

Shaking his head, Adam took a step back. "I'm being foolish. It's fine. Thank you for the gift."

Adam curled his hand close against his chest to protect it, eyes averted again.

"You're not being foolish."

Ronan wanted to take a step closer again, close that distance between them that Adam created, but didn't. Instead, he looked steadily at the man before him, eyes bright with blue flame.

"If you're worried, I won't meet him. Because I trust you, and what you think matters to me. You're—going to be my partner, right?" He stressed the word so that Adam understood he meant it in every sense. They would be equals. He wouldn't just ignore Adam's concerns and decide on his own. That was something he had to learn, too. Starting now.

"I've already fucked Declan over a hundred times. What's once more?" He hadn't seen the harm in sparing the guy that knew his dad so well five minutes, but it didn't matter to him nearly as much as Adam did.

Adam's lips quirked a little in a smile, lifting his chin to watch Ronan's sharp blue eyes. "I'll be your partner," he promised, moving a little closer again, lured by Ronan's warmth. "Your companion. Your lover."

He kissed the side of Ronan's jaw, breath warm against the skin as he lingered there a moment. "You should go," he said, without any particular certainty or insistence. Ronan should go, to be responsible and courteous. Adam didn't want him to go, however, and he loved the idea of Ronan choosing him instead. He'd always loved mischief and shirking their responsibilities, if it was at Ronan's side. Even though Adam had always insisted on fulfilling the really important responsibilities and attending lessons.

His fingertips skimmed up Ronan's arm, eyes closed as he savored the feeling of being this close, the certainty that Ronan would choose him.

It wasn't fair how attractive Adam was.

The way his lips quirked just so, the way his voice sounded as he said those words, Your companion. Your lover. And Ronan would never get over the way Adam's lips felt against his skin, soft to stubble, warm breath tickling his flesh.

"I won't," he said, voice low, watching the way Adam touched his arm. Everything the man did fascinated him, everything having a new meaning now that they were—more.

Resting his hand on top of Adam's, he looked up so that he could study his eyes instead. Their rich color. Eyes that had seen too much cruelty, and not enough kindness.

"... I don't want to leave you." Not that he had wanted to before. Now? He wasn't inclined to budge so much as an inch.

"So run away with me," Adam said, entranced by the idea and wanting to go as fast as they could, to get far, far away from this place. "Right now. Let's pack our bags and go. Before anyone notices."

He stole a soft, promising kiss, then stepped back, feeling as though he were casting a spell upon Ronan. His Ronan. His partner.

Taking another step backward, Adam tugged at Ronan's hands.

It was a spell. One only Adam could cast, could command. Stepping forward when Adam stepped back, he nodded, slowly, unable to look away from Adam's face. Fuck everything else. They didn't owe anyone here anything. Fuck Adam's parents, fuck Declan, fuck all the maids and servants that turned a blind eye to abuse and cruelty.

"Okay," Ronan exhaled, feeling ... excited. Amazed. Sure, he fucked off himself before, but he never ran off with... someone. With Adam. With the person he loved before he even realized what the butterflies darting in his belly even meant.

"Okay."

And god, he wanted to embrace him. Hold tight, touch him, love him. But if they were going to leave before anyone noticed, they didn't have time for that.

"Let's go."

Adam nodded quickly, letting go. "Are you going to take the trunk?" he asked, nodding toward it and then heading for the ladder. He packed his own things first, so that he wouldn't have to worry about them. There wasn't much to be packed, so it went quickly. He loaded them all into a corner of one of Ronan's bags, since he had none of his own, and then started packing Ronan's things. He focused on necessities and personal items, since the could send for the rest or acquire new things later. What was important was taking the things that couldn't be left in Declan's hands.

Adam's heart was fluttering with adrenaline and excitement, terrified that Declan would find a way to take this from them, or that Adam's father would stop them.

Ronan stood before the trunk. The things looked back at him, sadly. They were all truly personal items, things that probably only matter to Niall and no one else. Logically, he knew he didn't need any of it.

"Yeah," he choked out, eyes a bit wet. Blinking, kicked it closed and made for the ladder, climbing up so that he could help Adam pack. He hadn't been at the estate for nearly as long as he'd expected. Fuck, it'd barely been a week, so a good deal of his things hadn't even been fully unpacked yet. Better for leaving quickly.

"How should we go?" he asked, locking a piece of luggage. "Coach? Someone will notice that."

"So let them notice," Adam argued. "Someone's going to notice anyway, soon enough. If we're taking even half your things, we can't truly sneak out. Especially not with the trunk. The trick is seeming confident enough and urgent enough that by the time they realize our orders are contrary to Declan's, we'll be long gone."

Adam worked with him, handing over items and helping him to latch cases, and then handing bags down the ladder to him. "I'll finish up," Adam said, batting him away from one last bag. "Go tell them to prepare a coach, and acquisition a footman or two to help us carry that trunk. Confident. Urgent. Okay?"

Meeting Ronan's eyes, Adam leaned up for a quick kiss, trying not to let himself be overcome with worry.

Adam had always been good with plans. Better than Ronan, who often let his emotions stray him from pragmatism. The kiss soothed him and he set his jaw, giving a nod. Ronan trusted Adam to lead him, for him to be the master here.

"Got it." Leaning forward, he stole one last brief, lingering kiss, before he spun and took off, walking with purpose. It wasn't difficult to make it seem like he had something to do; he had a resting bitch face, and none of them wanted to question or argue with him while he was snapping his teeth together like an angry dog.

It was quick work. The coach was prepared and the footman came to help Ronan grab the trunk; he was strong enough that they didn't need another. They loaded it in and Ronan wiped his hands on his coat, looking about, just in case Delcan came striding down from the main house for some reason.

"A hotel, then?" They could head straight for the country estate but he wasn't sure if that was what Adam had in mind.

Adam nodded, giving directions to the coachman. Their destination would get back to Declan, but that was unavoidable. They were going to a respectable hotel, and they were no longer bound to Declan.

Climbing into the coach alongside Ronan, Adam gave him a fleeting, nervous smile as the coach lurched and started to move away from the house. He couldn't help but watch Declan's house, heart pounding with fear that Declan or Robert Parrish would appear and drag them back.

But Declan Lynch did not come out. Nor did Robert Parrish.

Ronan didn't realize he was holding his breath until the mansion was out of sight. Exhaling heavily, he leaned back into the seat, looking squarely at Adam. His future. How many times had he thought about how he didn't have one? How it all seemed like a stretch of darkness. Now, there were stars.

Fuck. He wanted to hold Adam. Not wanting to be too clingy, he settled on picking at his nails instead, keeping his hands busy.

"No one you wanted to say goodbye to?" Ronan had been out of the house long enough that most of the staff had completely changed. Adam, on the other hand, had spent his entire life in that house. Even though Ronan knew the answer in his heart... he didn't want to believe that Adam had been completely lonely there. Maybe there'd been someone kind that would be happy to see Adam finally leaving that cold place.

"No," Adam said.

He might have liked to say goodbye to his mother, in the hopes that she would be at least a little bit sad to see him gone, but he didn't trust that she wouldn't immediately betray him. It wasn't worth the risk. There was no one else. A chambermaid had once been kind to him for a few weeks, sharing sweets with him and saving him a place at the servants' table, until she realized that he wanted only a friend, and had no interest in taking a wife.

After that, she'd been cold and cruel as the rest of them. More so, sometimes.

Adam rested his knee against Ronan's across the coach, desperate for reassurance. Ronan had always been the center of his world, and now he was the only thing in Adam's world. If anything happened to Ronan, Adam would have nowhere to go, and nothing to protect him.

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