marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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"I think I'm into it," Adam murmured against Alec's throat, pressing another teasing kiss there and letting his lips drag up an inch to press another. He nipped briefly at Alec's earlobe before he let him have mercy and returned to Alec's lips to kiss him again like he was starving.

He ached as they kept kissing, cock hard and eager in his jeans, but the ache felt good. The wanting, the pleasure of it. Adam felt drunk on all the physical sensations.

"Take your shirt off?" Adam asked between kisses, pulling back enough to see Alec's eyes. His own were dark with pleasure and shy, hesitant of all the things he wanted.

That wasn't the answer Alec expected. He'd thought that Adam would want him to stop, not act like it was some kind of strange little kink while driving him crazy by kissing his neck. Alec tried to say something intelligent but it turned into a pleased hum when he felt Adam's teeth against his ear.

After the slow kisses, Alec was surprised by the intensity of the next, but the warmth of before turned to something hotter, needier. One hand twisted into Adam's shirt while the other went to his boyfriend's hip, trying to encourage him to keep grinding against him. After years of denial of his emotions, it was almost overwhelming to be able to let someone be this close. He didn't have to worry that Adam would find out his secrets and be offended that Alec was hard beneath him. Adam wanted him. Wanted this, wherever it might lead.

Blinking up at Adam, he forced himself to quit staring at his boyfriend's lips, slowly noticing more than their kisses and how much he wanted to keep grinding against his boyfriend. He smiled when he realized that Adam was enjoying this as much as he was. "If I take mine off are you going to take yours off?"

Adam ground down against him more firmly and steadily, surprised by how much he liked the feeling of Alec warm and solid between his legs, addicted to the rhythm of it.

His grin widened at the way Alec stared, the sweet awe on Alec's face, but it dropped suddenly with a shiver at the question. He recoiled a little, closing into himself, cheeks flushing with fear now instead of lust.

Keeping his hands on Alec's shoulders to steady them both, Adam swallowed hard. "It's not," he said, thick and choked, and couldn't finish. It's not a pretty sight. I'm not worth wanting.

Ducking his head as another tremor went through him, Adam struggled for a moment with trying to explain, or asking for time. He decided instead on bare honesty, letting his skin speak for him.

Hands shaking, Adam pulled his shirt up slowly, revealing the scars and burns, the broken collarbone that had never healed right, the deep hollows under and between his ribs from years of going hungry. All the damage and pain that Adam was sure only made him more unlovable.

Alec instantly regretted asking for Adam to take off his shirt. He'd accidentally crossed a line but he wasn't sure why. He would just say no if he was nervous. Shyness might be a factor but that wouldn't cause Adam to react like when he'd been overwhelmed earlier.

Reaching for his boyfriend, he wasn't sure if he should touch, then settled his hands on his hips again, trying to reassure Adam that there wasn't a reason to pull away from him. He wanted to pull him close and hold him until Adam calmed down but he wasn't sure if that would help.

Half-expecting Adam to move off the bed, he froze when his boyfriend began taking off his shirt. Alec wanted to ask him to stop. If whatever was wrong was so bad that Adam was shaking, it was something that could wait, but Adam looked so determined that he couldn't say something that might seem dismissive of his decision.

After everything that Adam had said, the way he acted sometimes, Alec had the feeling that he'd been abused. He hadn't really thought about the signs of it since Shadowhunters rarely had scars. Alec almost attempted to pretend that he didn't see the signs of ill-treatment and abuse, but he knew that Adam's pain shouldn't be ignored or glossed over. He didn't linger over one specific mark or scar, but he didn't avoid them either as his gaze moved from Adam's waist upward to his boyfriend's eyes.

As he mentally cataloged the signs of abuse that he'd suspected, he carefully hid his reactions, knowing that Adam would think his anger was directed at him. "It's not something you have to hide from me," he said, finishing Adam's sentence in a way that he knew his boyfriend didn't intend. "Scars don't bother me. They're a sign of strength."

"Mine aren't," Adam said, choked with emotion and unable to look at Alec, sure that he wouldn't be able to bear Alec's reaction.

Adam had spent most of his life keeping his shirt on so that no one would see or suspect the extent of his bruises. Only the worst of them became scars, but the catalog on his body was nothing but shame for Adam, proof that he couldn't be loved.

Alec's reaction wasn't disgust, at least, so Adam tucked close to him, hugging his arms around Alec's neck and hiding his face against Alec's shoulder. He clung, hugging tight to Alec, needing the warmth, comfort, and acceptance that he offered. No one else had seen his scars, not Blue, not Gansey.

Their makeout session had been spoiled, but Adam wanted Alec to see, so that he would know that Adam wasn't worth wanting and they wouldn't have to drag it out.

Wrapping his arms around Adam, he held him close, trying to find the right words. He'd never found them for Jace and Alec knew that he couldn't magically make Adam believe that he didn't find the scars offensive. "Yes, they are." He kept his tone gentle, emphasizing the words by brushing a hand through Adam's hair. "Healing takes strength. Sometimes it takes more strength to heal than it does to be injured."

For what felt like a long time, he was silent, running his fingers along Adam's back the way he had before that hadn't been ticklish for his boyfriend. "Scars really aren't weird to Shadowhunters." Alec didn't have many. Most had faded because of runes and time, but he knew where every one had been. It wasn't the same, but it didn't make him shy away from scars the way a Mundane might. "And they don't make my hot boyfriend less attractive."

Adam slowly relaxed as Alec held him. His breathing slowed, tension in his body melting, and he smiled again at Alec calling him hot. It seemed impossible that Alec thought he was attractive, even now, but the possibility soothed him. "Who's this hot boyfriend?" he asked, nuzzling softly at Alec's shoulder as he emerged from the fugue of self-doubt. "Am I gonna have to fight someone for you?"

Shyly affectionate, Adam loosened his grip on Alec, shifting slightly in his lap as he trailed soft kisses along the side of Alec's neck.

When Adam didn't pull away, he kept running his hand along Adam's back, waiting to see how he'd react to his comments. The nuzzling gave him hope that eventually his boyfriend would start to see that he wasn't bothered by the scars, at least not in the way that Adam thought. Alec wanted to have a 'talk' with whoever had hurt Adam, but if he could control his anger over Valentine's abuse he could keep his emotions from taking over now.

"It might be sexy to watch you fight someone for me, but you're the hot boyfriend." Humming softly, he tipped his head to the side in hopes that Adam would keep kissing him. "Do you know how to fight? I could teach you so you can defend my honor from these hot boyfriend impostors."

"I don't want to learn," Adam said, but he smiled a bit more and followed the invitation up the line of Alec's throat to the corner of his jaw, and went rogue from there to capture Alec's lips. He felt safe in Alec's arms, and somehow still wanted and accepted despite his flaws.

His kisses were soft and tentative at first, still regaining his confidence, but kissing Alec was addictive, and Adam wanted affection more than anything. His hands curled around the base of Alec's skull, holding him reverently as they kissed. Between kisses, Adam brushed the tip of his nose lightly against Alec's, playful, and then finally drew back enough to shyly meet Alec's eyes.

Alec did have concerns about Adam being able to defend himself. Eventually he wouldn't be given a bodyguard and the Down World was dangerous. But that wasn't something to worry about when he was trying to convince Adam that the scars wouldn't turn him away. "I was planning to use teaching as an excuse for us to roll around together."

The kiss eased the anger that had been lingering in the back of his mind. It was still there along with the need to protect someone he cared about but it was muted by Adam's kisses and the hope that his boyfriend would eventually realize that Alec wouldn't run away because of Adam's past. He kept the kisses sweet, letting Adam take the lead, showing him that he still cared, still wanted him in whatever way Adam was comfortable with.

Smiling when Adam' brushed his nose against his, he crossed his eyes, hoping that it'd make Adam laugh or drive away some of the doubt that had kept Adam from thinking he should be the 'hot boyfriend'. "I'll have to think of other ways to seduce you?"

"You looking for ideas?" Adam asked, soft with affection and gratitude as he smiled at the face Alec made. "I'm feeling pretty seduced just from the kisses. But you could try flowers. Opera tickets. Taking your shirt off."

Grinning again, Adam slid his hands up under Alec's shirt, teasing one fingertip around the rim of Alec's navel and trying not to be completely distracted by the feeling Alec's muscles. Part of him still felt skittish, wanting to grab his shirt again to hide his flaws and vulnerabilities, but he couldn't bear to be parted from Alec, and the temptation of being skin to skin with him was irresistible.

"I don't want you to get bored." He doubted that Adam would since he already didn't want to think about days that he might not be able to kiss his boyfriend. From the way Adam kept kissing him, he felt the same way. "You already promised to go to the opera with me."

His voice trailed off as he considered the request to take of his shirt. Alec spent so much time training shirtless that he wasn't shy about his body but he didn't want Adam to think that Alec's lack of scars made his reassurances less true.

His worried thoughts scattered when Adam found his navel and he couldn't stop from squirming slightly. Huffing out a sound of annoyance, he tried to glare at Adam. "You had to find the one spot I'm ticklish." Using that as a distraction, he wiggled enough on the pillows to be able to pull his shirt up and off, dropping it onto the bed next to them.

Looking up at his boyfriend, he wasn't sure what to say or how Adam would react to the black runes that covered most of his body. There were a few scars, faint lines from runes or injuries, but most weren't as obvious as Adam's. "I'm not sure how the seduction plan works after this."

Adam laughed softly at Alec's squirming and annoyance, and he was glad to find that ticklish spot. "You'll have to find all the spots I'm ticklish," he said, soft as a promise. "To make sure I don't get bored." He smiled at Alec at that, certain that he wasn't going to get bored. Adam had no idea what boredom was like, he'd never had the leisure for it, and he couldn't fathom it being a problem when it came to his handsome and dutiful boyfriend.

His breath caught as Alec's shirt came off, revealing his bare chest marked with runes and dusted with dark hair. Flushing deeply with arousal, Adam reached out tentatively, sliding his hands over Alec's chest. He explored with his fingertips, awed at Alec's strong, broad torso. "I think it's working," he said, dipping his head to kiss Alec's chest just below his clavicle. "What was the desired outcome of the seduction plan?"

"Eventually I will." As he spoke, he traced part of a Voyance rune along Adam's shoulder. "Whenever I think you look bored."

Stretching out against the pillows, he watched Adam, waiting to see how he'd react, afraid that he'd start comparing when that effort would be unfair to them both. Different lives. Different physiology.

The heat that spilled across Adam's skin didn't seem to be embarrassment or any sign of nerves. Assuming that Adam touching his chest was permission for him to touch, Alec began skimming his hands along Adam's sides. He made sure not to linger over the scars and marks, treating each the same as the unblemished places. His fingers stilled when Adam found a sensitive spot that caused his breath to hitch. "You - " He stuttered when Adam kissed his chest. "You said you wanted to make out for an hour."

"I do." Adam rested his arms on Alec's chest, lounging atop him like a mattress. "We are. Aren't we? But if you want to seduce me, that implies... more."

Ducking his head because he was pretty sure Alec was just teasing about that and now Adam had made an issue out of it, Adam kissed his chest again, a little lower, then hesitated, worried that Alec would think he was asking for more.

"I'm okay with just kissing. Is this okay?" Shy suddenly, Adam moved up and nuzzled at Alec's cheek.

Letting out a snort that was mostly laughter, he arched an eyebrow at Adam before stretching out to get more comfortable. "It seems like it's a combination of making out and using me as a pillow." Before Adam could think he didn't like how they were tangled up together, he stole a quick kiss. "I'm happy to be your pillow."

Biting his lip, he kept from moving the way they had before. Part of him wanted to go back to what they'd been doing before, kissing and grinding against each other, but Adam seemed shy now. "I was planning to seduce you. Planning means taking my time to think about how to do it right. I don't want you to be disappointed."

That thought almost led to others that Alec didn't want to think about. Twisting slightly, he pressed a kiss to the side of Adam's neck. "I'm okay with it. I doubt I'll ever not be okay with kissing."

Adam smiled and blushed, relaxing again with the reassurance and the idea of Alec wanting to treat him right. "Don't worry, you're much more to me than a pillow," he said, kissing Alec's nose. "You're a mattress."

Grinning playfully, Adam surged forward and kissed him, sliding his tongue into Alec's mouth to steal his retort and lingering in the kiss, shifting very slightly against Alec to enjoy the feeling of Alec's body beneath his own.

"I could never be disappointed in you," Adam said, when he finally let Alec breathe again. He cupped his hand against Alec's cheek, studying his eyes. "Maybe angry and frustrated sometimes. But you've never disappointed me."

Whatever teasing or snarking comment he was going to make about being upgraded to the status of mattress disappeared when Adam kissed him. For a moment, he didn't quite register what was going on, that this was different than the kisses they had shared before. Then he was urging Adam to deepen the kiss, control slipping as he arched his hips upward, fingers curling around the waistband of Adam's pants.

As Adam pulled away, Alec gently nipped his boyfriend's lip, blushing when he realized what he'd done. That hadn't been just kissing.

Alec began to apologize, but the idea of not being a disappointment pulled him away out his embarrassment. If that was true, then Adam would be the first who had never been disappointed in him. His siblings, his parabatai, they all believed he'd failed. Ignoring the voice in the back of his mind that warned eventually he'd disappoint Adam too, he kissed his boyfriend's palm, his flush brightening over the hope that settled in his chest. "I know I've made you angry and frustrated. Even when we fought, you didn't disappoint me."

Adam gave a little groan of pleasure as Alec ground up against him, kissing him back deeply. He panted as the kiss broke, smiling as Alec nipped a this lip and then turned his face to kiss Adam's palm.

"I want you so much," Adam murmured, rubbing the tip of his nose against Alec's just to torment himself with having Alec's lips so close but not kissing him.

Sitting up a little, Adam ran his hands up Alec's chest, cock aching as he admired his boyfriend. Adam's fingertips hesitated over Alec's nipples, circling each of them simultaneously to see how sensitive Alec was there.

"I did research," he admitted, dipping his head to kiss one of those nipples.

Alec doubted that this counted as 'just kissing' but he wasn't going to complain. Not when Adam was hard against him, making sounds that made it even more obvious that they both wanted this.

As he tried to catch his breath, he slid his hands along Adam's sides and along his ribs, making sure not to tickle his boyfriend. "I want you." The words turned to a moan when Adam moved against him. Bucking his hips, he flushed brighter, another moan catching in his throat as Adam began exploring his chest.

"What kind of research?" His voice sounded ragged and he might have whined. It had to be different than what Alec had tried in the past since he'd never been sensitive in the spots that Adam kept finding.

"Gay sex," Adam answered, breath puffing against Alec's nipple as he spoke. He kissed it again, soft and playful, and then flicked his tongue across it, testing to see what got the best reactions. Alec was so sensitive and responsive that it was a pleasure to explore him, and Adam very much liked his position atop Alec. "It's not exactly on the curriculum where I come from." Tilting his head, Adam widened his mouth and bit lightly against the side of Alec's pectoral, attentive to him to see whether he was receptive to being bitten.

Lifting his head again, Adam rested his arms on Alec's chest and leaned in to take another kiss, lingering for a few moments in the kiss. "Fingered myself a few times in the shower," he confessed against Alec's lips, looking up at him through his lashes. "Thinking about you."

Had Alec taken a few extra steps when he'd went from 'I think I like guys' to 'I'm gay'? It felt like it since he hadn't jumped right into the type of research Adam had covered or even figuring out what he liked. Maybe if he'd had the same type of motivation Adam had he would have been more thorough on those topics.

He couldn't quite stay still as Adam teased his chest, squirming slightly when the sensation tickled, arching closer when Adam kissed and licked his nipple. "I doubt it's the curriculum at most places." Breath catching when he felt teeth against his skin, he wasn't quite sure if he liked that particular kink or not. That might take more experimenting later to see.

Letting out an annoyed huff, when the kiss ended too quickly, his eyes darkened as he imagined Adam in the shower, getting off from fantasies about him. Even with the mention of research, he hadn't expected Adam to say that.

Wrapping his arms around Adam's waist to keep him on his lap, Alec sat up so that it would be easier to start his own 'research'. Kissing along Adam's neck, he focused a spot low enough that it'd be covered by a shirt if he left a mark. "What did you think about me doing?"

Adam's breath hitched as Alec started kissing at his neck, and he relaxed into Alec's arms, trusting Alec enough to enjoy being handled by him. "I haven't..." Adam started, then gasped softly at another of the kisses, "... had the opportunity to start getting creative," he admitted. As Alec started focusing more intently on one spot, Adam gave a tiny whimper, panting against Alec's ear as he clung tighter to him. "Just wanted to figure out if I liked anal at all. I imagined it was you fingering me. I imagined you fucking me."

Shivering a little at that confession, Adam's hips ground half unconsciously against Alec. "Stroked myself thinking about you sucking me off. Can't stop thinking about how much I want to suck your cock."

Pressing his face against the curve of Alec's neck, Adam rolled his hips again, keeping a slow rhythm because he couldn't bear to stop.

"That sounds creative to me." Creative enough that he was painfully hard when he thought of Adam in the shower, fantasizing about him while he got himself off. Moaning as Adam moved against him, Alec brushing his lips against one of the scars that Adam had thought would push him away. His own scars were either over sensitive or had little feeling so he lingered there for a moment before finding another place to kiss.

His hands along Adam's back, sliding downward until they rested on his ass, encouraging his boyfriend to keep moving. Rocking his hips to match the rhythm Adam had started, he began to speak, about to ask if they could take off their jeans when Adam mentioned his other fantasies. Groaning softly, he stilled for a moment, resting his cheek against Adam's shoulder.

Taking a deep breath, he reminded himself that he needed to have some self-control or all they would end up trying was kissing. "I want you to." He almost added 'if you're sure' but he stopped himself before he blurted the words. "And I want to suck you off like you imagined."

Adam trembled almost imperceptibly at the kiss to his scar, but Alec was so gentle and affectionate that he relaxed again quickly, grateful that Alec still wanted him despite all of Adam's damage.

When Alec went still, Adam also went still, frightened that he'd done something wrong or had gone too far. But then Alec spoke again and Adam was reassured by the heat and desire in his words.

Cheeks red, Adam kissed Alec's temple, hugging tight to him for a moment as he dealt with the strength of his affection and gratitude in that moment. "Now?" he asked, as soon as he could manage words again. "Can I?"

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