marlowemuses | The One Secret I Never Told You

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The One Secret I Never Told You

Ronan was coming home.

He'd sent ahead, Adam supposed. Letter or telegram. And he'd said... what? Adam had no idea. No one had even bothered to tell him. He'd overheard some of the other servants discussing preparations.

That stung, though it shouldn't. He'd always known that their childhood friendship was temporary. Illusory. He'd been a bauble to Ronan, a friendship that came easily and could be cheaply kept.

And when Ronan had been old enough, he'd left. That made sense, too. His father's death, the upheaval of his life, the culmination of the conflict between Ronan and Declan.

What hurt was that he hadn't needed Adam anymore.

Squeaks and whispers preceded the general bustle of servants toward the main hall. Adam stayed out of the way, stealing toward an upper window to catch a glimpse. He wouldn't be missed among the larger array of servants. He was only an under-footman, after all.

Hidden behind a lace curtain, Adam peeked out to watch as Ronan descended from the coach. He'd grown. Taller than Adam remembered. His charming black curls were gone, shorn to a short bristle. The man he'd become was someone handsome and commanding, drawing attention like a thunderstorm.

Adam's heart thudded, then clenched.

Oh.

He'd hoped, all those years, that ignoring his childhood crush would make it go away. That Ronan's distance would make Adam forget him, so that he could focus once and for all on his career. His career, which was the only thing that mattered. The only thing he had left.

Seeing Ronan brought it all back, with more intensity than ever.

Adam was in love with him. And always had been.

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The kiss was everything he wanted, everything he needed, and he desperately wanted to melt into it, but his pride flared, and he shoved Ronan back.

"You left me," Adam snapped, temper finally let loose from its chains, freed finally by that kiss and Adam's own pride, re-awakening the stubborn and hot-tempered young man that had been sleeping under Adam's ingrained subservience. "You left me, without a word, without a letter, and now you come back and you want me to puppy-dog along at your heels like nothing happened? You left me, and every day I wondered if I'd die here, with no one in the world who loved me and only Gansey who would even notice that I'd gone."

He stood, shaking with anger, with fire under his skin.

It had been a long time since he heard Adam so angry. Even in the crypt he hadn't gotten mad like Ronan had wanted. So that fire still lived. Ronan was glad to see it, even if it was coming at him after a kiss.

"You don't have to do anything," Ronan said as he also stood, choosing not to refute anything else, or give his reasons. They were poor in the face of Adam's well-being. So he squared his jaw and continued looking steady at Adam, eyes glassy from emotions hitting him. "You're right. And you should hate me for all of that. I fucked up. I wasn't thinking about—about anything."

Just hoping he'd die, somehow. But he couldn't admit that.

"I'm not going to ask anything of you. Fuck, I know I don't deserve to." Which was why the kiss returned was so confusing. "Tell me how I can ... not make it right, but fuck, I just want you to be happy, Adam. That's it. If there's any way I can do that, I will."

"You might've asked!" Adam said, but the initial defensive flare of anger had tempered into a steely, temperamental determination. "You might have asked what I wanted, what makes me happy, who I was in love with. You acted like you expected me to cross the void and reveal my secrets to you, as if that wouldn't put my position and my life in danger, as if there was any hope for me to be your equal." He spat the word, aching with bitterness. "Do you have any idea what you're offering? What you're asking? How different it would be if I behaved like your equal rather than your obedient dog? Because that's what I want. I want an equal place at your side. I want a quiet life in the country where no one hits me or spits insults at me. I want enough to eat and to never again be cold and exhausted for days on end. I want to believe that you could love me for me, not just the version of me that dreads being left behind by you. Again. You... you fucking prick."

Starting to shake, Adam sat back down on the bed, hugging himself and feeling sick with the familiar dread that he'd known all his life, that Ronan would leave, that the household would cast him out, and that he'd be left with nothing but hunger and cruelty.

Adam sat, but Ronan continued to stand.

"Damn it, Adam, you think I want you to be that lonely man, waiting on me hand and foot? No. I fell in love with the guy that was smarter than everyone else, clever as fuck, independent, seen hell but still fucking good and ... real." There had been those flashes when they were young, of the man Adam could be, and not the servant, not the scared under footman that bowed his head.

Ronan shoved his hands into his pockets and stepped away from the bed, pacing again, "I am a goddamn prick. I should have asked. But fuck, Adam, would you really have told me?" Adam had always been difficult when it came to his secrets. Ronan loved that fierce independent streak but it could also be frustrating. "That's what you want—that's what I want too. I never wanted you to be my dog," he said, frustrated that Adam seemed to think that he relished the difference in their status, or something. "Then let's fucking go to the country estate and have all of that, holy shit. Let me give you a goddamn quiet life where you can be happy and comfortable until we're ancient. It doesn't even have to be the damn estate, it can be anywhere. We can go anywhere."

Stopping his pacing, he looked back at Adam, "Unless you don't want to. Unless you wanna get the fuck away from me after everything. I'll give you the reference if that's what you want."

"Why do you keep thinking," Adam asked, stepping into his arms and hugging his arms around Ronan's neck, "that the way to make up for leaving me is to leave again, permanently?"

He pressed close, relishing the warmth of Ronan's body, the scent of his skin at the side of his neck.

"I miss your hair," he said, and then realized that was a stupid thing to say. "I missed you. You stupid prick."

Clinging tight to Ronan, Adam trembled slightly, trying to contain it at first and then just letting himself cling.

Ronan melted into Adam's embrace, bowing his head and sliding his arms around the other man's waist. God. He missed Adam. The weight of how much he missed Adam finally hit him then, having his love pressed against him, clinging and trembling. Calling him a prick.

"I missed you too," he said, very quiet, holding tight. It still seemed impossible to him that Adam would want him, especially after he was so stupid. That he wouldn't want Ronan to leave again.

"... I don't know what you want from me. I thought you hated me after everything." And that, he had been afraid to truly ask, without jokes or sarcasm. Having Adam truly hate him, knowing for sure, might have killed him.

And even softer still, "I'm sorry." Apologies were a rare thing from Ronan, only said when he truly meant them.

"I do hate you," Adam said, clinging tight to him as a few tears fall, the tears he'd kept in for years. "I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for thinking I could live without you. I hate you so much, you stupid jerk."

He held on tight, nails digging into Ronan's shoulders as he clung. "I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember. God damn it, Ronan, I lost them too. Your parents were kinder to me than my own ever have been, and then you were gone days later. Of course I hate you."

"Yeah," he said into Adam's shoulder, hugging tightly still. "Yeah."

He deserved Adam's ire. But Adam also—loved him? Or had. It was a strangely euphoric mix. Not knowing what else to say and not sure if Adam was finished cursing him out, he stayed quiet after that, hanging onto his old friend tightly. Now that he had all the context, the idea of moving into the country estate with Adam was perfect. They could live a quiet life. Have a skeleton staff, just to keep up the grounds. Stay away from the city and live in peace.

It was what Ronan wanted. To be with Adam. It was where he belonged, even though he was stupid and took too long to realize.

Adam's breathing evened out, after a while, and the hot tears stopped falling. He leaned more heavily against Ronan, loosening his grip slightly and just letting Ronan hold him.

Ronan loved him. Ronan wanted to spend a life with him.

Adam's mind clicked quietly, making plans, while he recovered from the emotional intensity of their mutual confessions. "Jerk," he mumbled, utterly drained and feeling dizzy with it.

"Absolutely," he agreed, smoothing his hand over the top of Adam's head when he felt his grip lighten up. How many times had he wanted to stroke Adam's hair like this? Too many. He had lost count over the years.

"Tired?" he asked, combing his fingers through that hair, brushing it this way and that. It was getting late, and having to talk to Declan was always exhausting. Between that and confessing to Adam, Ronan was quite tired himself, and perhaps a little hungry.

Adam nodded, trusting himself to Ronan's arms, letting his head rest sleepily on Ronan's shoulder. It had been an intense day for him, after his sleepless worry at finding Ronan gone, talking to Declan, and now this.

There was so much to do, and Adam just wanted to collapse. "Ronan," he murmured, nuzzling at him as Ronan's fingers combed soothingly through his hair.

"Come on," he coaxed, guiding Adam to the master bed with a surprising amount of gentleness. Then again, Ronan was gentle—just mostly to animals, and not people. Adam was someone he wanted to be gentle with.

Depositing Adam into his bed, Ronan slipped in beside him so that he could continue to play with his hair. I miss your hair. Smiling to himself, Ronan teased strands between his fingers. If Adam missed his hair... maybe he'd start growing it again. A little. Too long would remind him of Niall Lynch—though, maybe over time, that might seem like a good thing rather than a bad one.

Adam cuddled close to him in the bed, seeking that warmth and affection which he offered. There was no reason to deny himself anymore. Ronan was his ally, his equal, the other half of his soul. Together, they could build a future that would make them happy.

Expecting only to close his eyes for a moment, Adam drifted deep into sleep, needing it after the long day--the long years--of exhaustion and hurt.

Ronan stayed awake for quite a while. Beside Adam, watching him sleep. Studying the way his chest rose and fell with each breath. Adam had grown so much. Handsome, beautiful, lovely. Yet he was still young, the hands of a man still growing into them. Ronan loved them. Ronan loved him. Nothing else could compare; Kavinsky had tried to keep him, but it never matched up to the feelings he held for Adam.

Eventually Ronan dozed, comforted by Adam's presence. Yet he woke up first so that he could make breakfast. The old loft had a stove on which to cook in the corner, something that Ronan had been surprised to discover still worked, and rather than call for a maid to fetch breakfast Ronan just made it. Eggs he gathered, sautéed vegetables, and even coffee he had packed in his trunk. No need to bother any of them at the main house at all.

The smell of cooking food filled the Barns. Warm and rich coffee, sizzling eggs, and bright vegetables. Peppers, onions, corn. Ronan liked cooking, actually. It was calming. And he wanted to do something for Adam, too. Had anyone ever made breakfast for Adam before he woke? Ronan wasn't sure.

Adam woke warm and comfortable, to the smell of food, none of which made sense.

He sat up, blinking in the light, until he saw Ronan cooking at the stove and grinned. This was the life he wanted, and it was a very appealing sight, seeing Ronan cooking like that.

"I didn't know you could cook," he said, warm and fond, lightly teasing. The bed was warm and he didn't want to get up. Especially not with a view like this.

Ronan glanced over to where Adam was lounging in bed with a half-smirk before returning his attention to the stove.

"I learned. Lived by myself when I was away," he said as he mixed the vegetables together. "Didn't want to be totally useless forever, like Declan." It was an essential skill. Sure, he sucked at it at first, but he got better at it over time. Throwing things into a pan and swishing them around wasn't the hardest thing in the world.

"Want some?"

"Yes, please," Adam said, getting to his feet and smoothing down his rumpled clothing. He came over to Ronan, helping automatically, reaching for cups and plates. "I had the weirdest dream last night," he said, smiling as they worked together, natural and relaxed. Like they belonged together.

He stole glances at Ronan, entranced by how handsome he was, glad that he still looked healthy and strong. "I dreamed that you kissed me."

"That wasn't a dream," he said with an arched brow as he scraped their breakfast onto two plates. Kissing. They had kissed. It had felt like a dream, hadn't it? Ronan's lips tingled at the memory.

"I've had that dream before. Not as good." Taking two of the cups, he filled them with coffee and brought them over to the small table near the wall. Before he put his down on the table he took a healthy sip and licked his lips.

"Yeah," Adam said, following him to the table and setting down the plates. He reached for Ronan like he didn't expect him to be solid, curling his fingers around Ronan's sleeve like when he was a child, tagging along everywhere with Ronan. "Me too. You're better than any dream."

He smiled, because this was real, because Ronan had kissed him, Ronan loved him.

"You're going to make me blush," he shot back with a bit of an eye roll, though it wasn't a lie considering that his ears were pinking at the tips. Corny as it was, Ronan felt the same way. Adam, right here, right now, was better than any dream. Adam Parrish was his... well. He didn't really know quite how to call it, but it was more than friend. It had to be.

Reaching with his other hand, he settled his palm down on the back of the hand tugging at his sleeve. God, he loved it when Adam smiled. How long had it been since he'd seen that? Too long. The Adam he had returned to had been a ghost.

"Come on, you better eat all of this. I don't cook for just anyone."

Adam smiled a little more, knowing Ronan well enough to be delighted when he saw Ronan's ears turning rosy. "First promise that you'll never leave me again," Adam insisted, tugging at Ronan's sleeve. "And seal it with a kiss."

He stepped close, hooking his arms loosely around Ronan's waist. The intimacy made him nervous, and yet he craved it far too much to stop.

Ronan craved it too. No matter where he went, nowhere felt like home. That was because, as he was beginning to realize, home, for him, was not a place. Home was a person. Adam Parrish was the closest thing to home that Ronan Lynch had ever known. He tasted of memories and the future, of comfort, of love, of passion, of everything Ronan wanted and needed.

"I'll never leave you again," he promised, reaching up to brush some hair away from Adam's face. He couldn't leave Adam again. No. He'd die first.

And so he did as he was told, tilting his head and pressing his lips against Adam's.

Adam sighed into the kiss, finding this one much better, because he was no longer at war with himself, no longer torn between pride, duty, and love.

Ronan never lied, always kept his word, and Adam let himself trust that, let himself believe that Ronan was his forever. Even if it was impossible.

Smiling when the kiss broke, Adam nuzzled at him, then pulled away and sat down to eat. "This is pretty good," he said, surprised and not bothering to hide it.

It was better, when Adam wasn't crying and cursing at him. Even if Ronan was just as charmed when he was doing those things.

Each kiss they shared was precious. When the kiss broke, his lips felt afire, in the most pleasurable way. His second kiss. Still with Adam. With he had his way, all of his kisses would be with Adam. And all of Adam's kisses would be with him.

"What, you think I'd feed myself garbage? That was only the first six months." Ronan smirked and dropped into his own seat, helping himself to some more coffee. This was it. This was nice. The two of them, being grossly domestic. It was all Ronan had ever wanted.

"I know how to wash clothes, too."

"Yeah?" Adam asked, smiling fondly. He couldn't stop watching Ronan, now that he felt like he could, now that he had security that they were equals. "I'm proud of you."

He was, too. He was proud that Ronan knew how to cook and do some cleaning, that he wasn't like Declan, who couldn't even dress himself without a valet.

"You grew up nice," Adam said, quiet and just a little shy, grinning and dropping his eyes nervously as he thought about that glimpse he'd gotten of Ronan in the bath.

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