marlowemuses | I want to feel my heart pounding in my chest

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I want to feel my heart pounding in my chest

They'd made it sound like a scholarship at first, an honor earned from his intelligence and hard work.

Adam had thought that this was the ticket he'd worked so hard to earn, his entry to the capitol's university. He couldn't imagine what else would summon him--him, Adam Parrish, by name--to the palace.

The reality was baffling and frustrating. He'd spent the past hours being interviewed and tested by an array of officials and tutors who claimed that he was being considered for a position as the prince's companion. It wasn't a position Adam wanted, but everyone so far had emphasized what an honor it was, and Adam's polite, non-confrontational attitude toward authority was deeply ingrained. But he had his pride and his temper, too. He'd refused to open his mouth to let them check his teeth like he was a horse for sale.

After the fifth minister left, evidently satisfied with Adam's intelligence and ambition, Adam paced the room.

This had to stop. Adam didn't want to be here, and he didn't want to play babysitter to the spoiled prince of the kingdom. He had ambitions. He had his place in the university all but guaranteed, as soon as he could save up enough money for his entry. They could take their 'great honor' and stuff it up the prince's ass.

Diatribe ready, Adam whirled on the next person to open the door, ready to tell them just what he thought of their nonsense interviews. He wasn't anticipating a teenage boy his own age. Startled, Adam drew up short, dropping his eyes to the floor. This had to be the prince. And while the kingdom had advanced past the days of public executions, Adam knew that any of the royal family could ruin his prospects permanently if he displeased them.

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"I thought it was a scholarship. That was how they made it seem. And then I couldn't get out of it without giving outright offense."

Ronan's very close, and Adam tilts his chin up, meeting the prince's eyes boldly. "I just want to be allowed to continue my studies. But I'd be willing to come and visit you from time to time. If that's what you're asking."

"Kind of the point in finding a smart kid who likes to study. Trying to get me to do the same."

He bobs in the water next to Adam the water gently lapping against him.

"I'll tell my father to give you the scholarship. Or whatever the fuck he's calling it."

Ronan lets out a breath and starts to wander out further into the water.

"Nice meeting you, Parrish."

"No," Adam refuses, eyes fierce with pride. He stands waist-deep in the water, not admitting to himself that he's too nervous to go deeper. "I don't need your charity, and your father can stuff whatever payment he had in mind. I'm not going to fucking babysit you. I'm getting an actual scholarship, because I will earn it. I was offering to visit you for free."

"How have you not earned it?" Ronan snapped back. "How else do people earn this kind of shit? Prove you're smart. You did that. Pass their tests. You did that."

His eyes were dark and a little hurt. "Fuck, man. Do whatever you want. I don't need a babysitter. Or someone looking at me like I'm poison just because I was born into this fucking family." He looks away back out at the water, wondering where it ends.

"And I was offering to say what needs to be said to my father so you can have what you have earned, no strings attached. No having to deal with me. Just go get your fucking education. Fine, do it your way. No skin off my back."

He storms back to the beach and starts to get dressed. "I'll get you home. Get dressed."

Adam lingers a moment longer and then follows him to shore, getting dressed again and following Ronan up the beach. He carries his shoes. Quiet again, his eyes linger on Ronan. He made his offer and Ronan... dodged it? Adam's not sure. He thinks that Ronan's proud, and he understands pride. Adam's not going to argue for his place, especially not when Ronan thinks he's only doing it for the rewards.

But he thinks it's possible he might be allowed to walk into the palace again, if he decided he wanted to see Ronan again.

"Why do you do that?" He gestures at Adam. "Say nothing?"

"You didn't like what I had to say," Adam points out, taking his place at Ronan's side as they walk, as if they're equals. "Why waste my breath arguing the point? I thought you were decided."

"You haven't liked anything I've had to say. I'm still talking." He's so unsure of what to do or say right now. He can tell Adam has opinions about him about all of this that he isn't saying. Not that he wanted a fight but a real conversation would be nice.

"I'm surrounded by people always saying what they think they should say. What they think my father would approve of. I don't have friends because people are fake. They lie."

"I lie sometimes," Adam tells him, and shrugs, continuing to walk alongside him. "I think you want me to stay and be your friend, but you want me to prove it somehow. Say the right thing, whatever that is. But you don't tell me what you want, and if I say the wrong thing, you storm off, like you did before. I don't know you. How was I supposed to know you'd take offense at me thinking they'd set this up for me to date you? I don't know what to think, and you've lashed out at me when I've gotten it wrong. So I'd rather keep my mouth shut, thanks."

"I'm sure there's something you want me to prove. Some opinion you have of me that you want me to prove wrong." Ronan thought Adam was someone that he might like to have around and he wanted it to be for him. But, he still felt he deserved what his father had offered him. "Why can't you stay and take the scholarship? My father owes it to you for putting you through this. He shouldn't have done this just to try and fix me. Why not benefit from that?"

"If I leave, then it's a consolation prize that I didn't actually earn. Compensation for time wasted. If I stay, then I'm being paid to be your companion. Both options are an insult to my pride." Adam was glad that Ronan was actually listening to him now and trying to understand Adam's objections. "I had fun sneaking out and going to the beach with you. If you want to spend time together, sometimes, I'm willing to try being friends with you."

"It's not meant to be an insult." That much he would say was true of Niall. He didn't mean it to be an insult. "I'm difficult. Get into trouble. You shouldn't take it as an insult. If anyone should, it's me. What father has to pay for his son to have friends. I have money and influence a seat of power in a royal family and he has to pay for friendship."

Ronan is positive that Declan had encouraged it, pushed the idea on his parents.

"I don't want you to spend time with me unless it's what you want. I don't want friends that are paid for. I still think you should take what he offered because you deserve it. You passed all of his tests and entertained the idea of being paid to be my friend."

They were walking back through the woods they way they had come on the horse. He glanced at Adam.

"Can I walk you home?"

"I never entertained the idea of being paid to be your friend," Adam argued. "I entertained the idea of being your friend. Unpaid."

His eyes linger on Ronan, curious about him. He points. "I live this way. And I don't have friends either."

"Kind of a huge opportunity to pass up, don't you think?" He glances at him, brows lifted. "Entertained? As is no longer entertaining?"

Ronan was just as curious. Why had he never seen this kid before? "Why not? You seem like the kind of kid people would find interesting."

"I'm poor. People don't find the poor interesting unless they're removed enough from poverty that it becomes a novelty. And I don't have time for friends. I have my studies, my job, and my chores at home." Adam doesn't look at him now. He can't bear to see pity on the prince's face. If he does, then he won't be able to be friends with him.

There isn't any pity. Ronan respects hard work. He enjoys sneaking away to help the servants tending the grounds and the animals at the palace. Somehow Ronan Lynch had the heart of a farm hand.

"And wasting your time at the palace today kept you from those chores, right?" Ronan looked at him again. The more they talked, really talked, the more he found himself stealing glances at his face. "Could I stay and help you do your chores? This is my fault anyway. I'd like to help."

"No, I don't think my father would allow it. He'll be angry enough anyway." Adam turns his face farther away, ashamed of the bruise on his cheek. He doesn't know how he's going to explain where he's been. Or if he'll explain it. He probably won't get the chance.

He glances over toward Ronan and finds him looking. "Do you even know what chores are?"

"But I'm the prince." He says sounding more like Declan then he likes. Still, if he wants to do chores who would tell him no? That would be an insult. What Adam says, how he says it, the way he turns his face, the damn bruise. It clicks into place and Ronan feel furious.

Niall may not be the best father, he has his faults. He never hurt his children.

"Can I explain your absence to him? Ask his permission to help with the chores?" If Adam told him no Ronan would accept it. He just hoped he might have the chance to make this right. His father's plot to get him a friend sounds like it caused Adam more trouble than it is worth. "I like to work in the stables and the gardens. My father doesn't understand it...but I just feel more like myself there. Will you let me help?"

Edited 2018-02-20 01:47 (UTC)

"No," Adam says, though his heart pounds at the thought that Ronan wants to. It would just make it worse later. His father would be furious at him for wasting the prince's time and shaming his family. "But I appreciate that you want to."

His hand brushes Ronan's as they walk, and his heart flops over. He has a friend. Someone who cares about him and wants to work with him.

"Can I sneak and help? I feel like shit knowing you're going to catch hell because of my dad." He didn't want to cause Adam any more trouble. Certainly no more bruises like the one on his face. "What if he knew this wasn't your choice? What if you were called to court by official decree of the King?"

He glances down when their hands touch and stops walking. Ronan's finger hooks Adam's pinky. "I want to do something."

Adam stops a moment later, turning to study Ronan's face in the darkness. He has a friend. Someone who wants to help him.

Any other time, Adam would have refused on the spot. It means too much to his pride and his independence to do things for himself. But Adam believes in making the most of opportunities, and this is an opportunity.

But he can't think of anything in the world that the prince could offer that he could accept.

He shakes his head. "Anything you did would just make him think that I'm too good for them and that I'm trying to rub it in their face."

"I want to help, Adam. Your chores not getting done is my fault." He looks down at himself. "I can change. Hide." Another pause and he sighs.

"Will your father hurt you?"

Adam looks down at the question, because he doesn't have a good answer for it, and he doesn't want to lie to Ronan. Or to himself.

"It's not your fault," he insists. Their hands are still connected. Adam knows he should pull away and put an end to the prince's desire to help, but he can't bring himself to do it.

"If I wasn't such a shithead my dad wouldn't have done this. I can help." Ronan looks down at their hands. He feels guilty and he feels angry. Adam's non-answer was the answer he dreaded. Now because he had wasted his day at the palace he might get hurt. "You could get away if you accepted my father's deal. Be on your own away from anyone that would hurt you. Say yes. Stay."

"I wouldn't be on my own," Adam explains to him. His heart aches. He doesn't want to let go of Ronan's hand. He should hurry home, because every moment of delay will only make his fate worse. But he doesn't want this moment to end, the moment in which someone cares about him and wants him safe. "I'd belong to you, because you'd bought me."

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