marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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Alec wasn't sure what that had been. Kissing his neck shouldn't have caused that kind of response. His runes weren't sensitive. If they were, they'd be dangerous instead of helpful. Maybe it was because of who was kissing him that he had to fight back a shiver when Adam focused on the deflect rune again. "You're - uh - distracting."

The next round of kisses caused him to stumble back a step, bumping into the door. Automatically, he tightened his arms around Adam, blushing hotly when he realized he'd tripped over his own feet because he was being kissed. Biting his lip, he barely managed not to whimper again. "Really distracting."

Adam gasped as Alec pulled back suddenly, but then he was pulled forward with him as Alec's arms tightened, and Adam laughed, sweet and happy, glad to be able to be playful with his boyfriend. "I like being distracting," he murmured against Alec's lips, resisting kissing him as long as he could bear. "I like the way you touch me."

Kissing Alec warmly, Adam pressed forward, chest to chest as he lost himself in the kiss. He felt wonderfully safe and wanted with Alec's arms tight around him, and he grinned happily when the kiss broke. "Touch me," he asked, invitation and plea all wound together, eager just to have Alec's hands on his body.

Mentally cringing, he waited for Adam to laugh at him for his complete lack of grace, but when his boyfriend did laugh, it wasn’t insulting. It was a bright sound that was almost as distracting as Adam’s kisses. It briefly made his chest ache from wanting to hear it again. He thought that he should say something, tell Adam that he liked being distracted, liked hearing him laugh, but he forgot what he was about to say when Adam pressed his lips to his.

Returning the kiss, the ache in his chest turned to something sweeter when he realized that Adam wanted him to hold him. After Adam’s confession earlier, Alec hadn’t been sure if they’d do this again so soon. Or that Adam would look so happy to kiss him or to have Alec touch him.

When Adam pulled away, he almost leaned in for another kiss before realizing what his boyfriend had said. Technically, he hadn't really touched Adam. Not in the ways that Alec assumed boyfriends were supposed to touch. He thought that was what Adam meant, but he wasn't sure.

It probably would ruin the mood, but he'd rather have a moment of awkwardness now then hurt Adam because he'd accidentally made him uncomfortable. “Where do you want me to touch you?” he asked, letting his fingers move lightly along Adam’s back, wanting Adam to know that he did want to touch him. “I don’t want to mess things up again.”

"I don't know," Adam said, honest, and trusting Alec with the admission that he didn't know something, which was a rare and difficult thing for Adam in most situations. "I don't know what I like or what I'm comfortable with."

His lips parted and his eyelashes fluttered as Alec's fingers shifted against his back, making his limbs feel heavy and loose. "That feels nice," he murmured. "You didn't mess things up. As soon as I felt overwhelmed, you gave me space. I trust you. If I get overwhelmed, I know you'll stop."

Feeling at a loss because he couldn't give Alec better direction regarding what he wanted, he tried things the other way around. "Where do you want me to touch you?"

"It's okay not to know. I don't know what I like either." Alec thought he might have an idea of what his own boundaries might be but he couldn't find the words for them yet. He doubted they'd cross any of those lines when they'd just started calling each other boyfriends, but if something made him uncomfortable, he knew he could tell Adam without it hurting their attempt at dating.

He felt an unexpected rush of pride and happiness when he saw how much Adam liked something that Alec had thought would be disappointing. He absentmindedly drew a incomplete rune along Adam's back, the motion curving along his side before moving upward again.

"I didn't think I messed up then." Leaning in, he gave Adam a quick kiss. "But I wanted to be sure I didn't accidentally do something that hurt you." If Adam wasn't used to people treating him with kindness, then Alec might have unintentionally hit an emotional sore spot.

Laughing softly, he tried not to blush too much as he thought of his tumble into the door. "I like it when you kiss and touch my neck, but if you keep doing that, I'm probably going to end up on the floor." That wasn't quite an answer, but it was true. "I've liked everything we've done so far. I'm not really sure... I think where we like to be touched is something we figure out together."

"I agree," Adam said, melting more against him as Alec kept touching him, letting Alec hold up his weight as he leaned against Alec's chest. "And I understand there are these things called 'beds' so that you don't have to end up on the floor when your boyfriend kisses your neck."

Sliding one hand down to Alec's side, Adam slipped a few fingers under the hem of his shirt, teasing lightly at the skin just above his waistband. Alec was so warm and solid against his chest, and Adam wanted to touch and be touched for hours. Homework could wait. Adam's need for contact and affection had been put off much, much longer, and it swelled in him, blanking his mind of everything but that need.

"You're the one who ambushed me as soon as I walked through the door." One rune turned to another, drawn over Adam's shoulder and along his spine. He never completed any of them, afraid of what might happen even if he didn't use a stele to draw the runes. "I've heard of beds but the one in here isn't mine. It'd be rude to collapse onto it even if it'd be your fault."

Breath hitching, he went still for a moment as Adam's fingers brushed over bare skin. For years Alec had tried to avoid physical contact with anyone that might make his secrets obvious. Realizing that he'd tensed beneath Adam's hands, he brushed a kiss along his boyfriend's jaw. "I never thought I could have this." Closing his eyes, he continued tracing patterns along Adam's back and sides, trying to ignore how his heart had started to race. Not because of fear but because he could have Adam so close instead of pushing him away. "Almost doesn't seem real."

"It wouldn't be rude if you're invited," Adam pointed out, shivering and writhing slightly as Alec's fingers found sensitive spots in the patterns he was drawing on Adam's back.

He made a tiny sound of pleasure as Alec kissed his throat, blushing and gripping Alec a little tighter. "I want you in my bed," Adam said, making the effort to express his desires clearly despite the spikes of terror that Alec wouldn't want to be in Adam's bed.

"I wasn't invited there." Adam had asked him into his room, not his bed. No matter how much he wanted that invitation, he couldn't take that step without permission.

Pressing a kiss to Adam's neck, Alec tried not to think about how much he liked the sound that his boyfriend had made. Or the other sounds that Adam might make if they... No. It was too soon to think about that. Even if Adam had said he wanted Alec in his bed, they'd agreed to go slow.

Pulling away slightly, he stared at his boyfriend, looking for any sign that Adam might have made the offer because he thought it was what Alec might want. He seemed nervous, but that request made Alec nervous too. "I want to be in your bed." He wanted it more than he probably should considering they'd had their first kiss a few hours ago. "If that's what we both want then we'll have to move?"

Adam nodded, leaning up to shyly kiss Alec again and lingering in the kiss for a minute before he could bear to pull away. When he finally managed to untangle a little, he took Alec's hand, crossing over to the bed and sitting down on it.

He didn't know what he wanted, or how much would be too much, but he knew that he wanted more and that he trusted Alec. If he found the point that was too much, they could stop. Until then, Adam wasn't going to question what he wanted as long as they were both comfortable with continuing.

Scooting up on the bed a little to make room for Alec, Adam spread his legs just a bit, leaving space between them in case Alec wanted to fit there.

The kiss settled the nervousness that had started as soon as Adam had invited him into his bed. It matched their discussion of going slow, making Alec want to be close but not hinting at something that he wasn't quite sure he was ready for. Sometimes he could be just as impetuous as Jace, but he wasn't quite ready to be that forward with Adam.

That might change later, but right now he knew that he wanted to kiss his boyfriend and touch him wherever he was allowed.

Following Adam to the bed, he wanted to ask what was okay, but he knew that would feel awkward. Taking the hint, Alec climbed onto the bed, kneeling between Adam's legs, not quite sure what to do with himself. Still holding his boyfriend's hand, Alec kissed Adam's knuckles, then his palm, trying not to blush over how old fashioned that gesture seemed compared to being alone with Adam in his room. "Is this okay or do you want to curl up together like we did the last time you had to study?"

"This is okay," Adam stretched out his legs on either side of Alec's hips, bracketing him in. Cheeks flushed and lips parted as Alec kissed his hand, Adam watched him, fascinated by each touch. "I kind of just want to make out with you for an hour." Maybe longer. "Is that okay?"

Adam could feel his nerves jangling in every inch of his skin, skittish about scaring Alec off or starting another fight, burning for more contact and kisses. He curled his free hand around the side of Alec's neck, running his thumb along the tendon there and then tracing the pattern of his tattoo.

This wasn't where Alec thought first kisses would lead, but he didn't want to pull away or curl up the way they had before. He wasn't sure what to do, going slow conflicting with how intimate they could be. He told himself that there was no reason to be nervous. Adam wanted this. He wasn't going to get angry with Alec for being too forward. Adam had promised to tell him if things became too overwhelming.

Too bad Alec didn't wasn't sure what was too overwhelming for himself.

They'd learn that together. There was no reason to worry or be nervous. Not when they both were asking each other what was okay. "Only an hour?" he teased, relieved that he could tease without it sounding awkward. "I think that's okay. We'll find out?"

Closing his eyes, he leaned in closer so that Adam could follow the lines of the deflect rune on his neck. Shivering when his fingers brushed over a spot that Alec had assumed wasn't sensitive until Adam had touched it, he gave his boyfriend a shy smile. "I didn't think my runes were that sensitive."

"Is it just the runes?" Adam asked, tracing his finger along a bare section of skin just to see whether he could get some of the same reactions. He quickly decided that touch wasn't enough for this. Leaning forward, he kissed an unmarked section of Alec's skin, nuzzling briefly at the spot and then kissing again, darting his tongue out briefly to tease him.

It felt incredible to be able to play and tease like this, exchanging affection. Adam wanted to be closer, but suddenly all their limbs seemed impossibly awkward and Adam wasn't sure how to get a better angle that would benefit them both. "Can I straddle your lap?" he asked, blushing as soon as the words were out of his mouth. "Is that too weird?"

"I don't know." It wasn't something he'd considered before and he'd never had anyone touch him before other than Magnus. When Magnus had touched him, Alec had thought the High Warlock had used magic to prompt some of Alec's reactions but he hadn't been sure. That contact had been fleeting, not anything like Adam teasing his neck.

Alec wasn't sure if the spot that Adam focused on was part of the rune or not but he couldn't hold back another whimper when he kissed him. Blushing over the sounds he couldn't quite hide, he was about to ask if Adam had kissed the rune or bare skin when his boyfriend asked a question that left Alec staring.

He knew that he should answer, but he kept thinking of Adam on his lap and words seemed impossible. It took a few seconds for Alec to remind himself that if he didn't say something Adam was probably going to freak out. "It's not weird." But Alec's voice did sound a little weird, almost like he was a teenager again. "Uh - it's not weird but are you going to be okay with how I'm going to react having you on my lap?"

"Are you implying that my boyfriend has a penis?" Adam teased him, kissing the side of Alec's throat again and then taking a sweet kiss from Alec's lips instead. He couldn't seem to stop grinning at the sounds that Alec made and the look on his face.

"Lean back against the pillows," Adam said, nudging Alec lightly to encourage him and then settling into his lap, leaning in close and curling his hands over Alec's shoulders as he kissed him, slow and lingering this time.

It was embarrassing how easily he could be distracted by Adam when he kissed his neck. At least he was starting to understand some of the 'things' that Izzy had teased him about during some of their late night conversations. Catching hold of Adam's shirt, he returned the kiss, keeping him close so he couldn't start distracting him again. "If he didn't, we would have been having another set of conversations earlier."

Moving as Adam directed, arching an eyebrow at his boyfriend as he settled back against the pillows. Automatically, Alec rested his hands on Adam's hips as he moved on top of him. He wasn't quite sure what was allowed when they were like this, but that seemed safe. He forgot to worry about what was allowed when Adam kissed him again. One slow kiss led to another until Alec didn't notice that his hands had slipped under Adam's shirt and he'd started drawing partial runes along his boyfriend's back.

Comfortable in Alec's lap, Adam's arms slid forward over his shoulders and down the back of Alec's shirt. He pressed one palm flat over Alec's spine where he could feel his heart beating in his chest, and curled the other around the base of Alec's neck. Melting into the slow kisses, Adam shifted in Alec's lap, hips grinding down a little out of instinct.

Adam's breath caught as Alec's hands started drawing patterns against his back, and he twitched a little in Alec's arms, laughing softly and tucking his face against the side of Alec's neck. "I think I'm ticklish," he said, surprised by the discovery. He hadn't known before. "Are you okay? Are you comfortable?"

Shifting so that Adam could reach his back easier, he smiled into the kiss when he realized where his boyfriend had rested his hand. It wasn't where he expected. The spot at his throat would hint at how his heart was racing but he would have expected Adam to place his hand on his chest if he wanted a more obvious sign.

His breath hitched when Adam began moving on top of him, lifting his hips for more friction. Eventually it'd get uncomfortable with fabric and zippers in the way but for now, he was almost awed by having Adam so close. Biting his lip, he managed not to make an embarrassing sound when his boyfriend buried his face against his neck. Alec hoped that someday that spot wouldn't be quite so sensitive. "I'm okay and comfortable." Pulling away slightly, he kept his hands still, curled lightly around Adam's sides. "What about you? Should I stop accidentally tickling you?"

"I think I'm into it," Adam murmured against Alec's throat, pressing another teasing kiss there and letting his lips drag up an inch to press another. He nipped briefly at Alec's earlobe before he let him have mercy and returned to Alec's lips to kiss him again like he was starving.

He ached as they kept kissing, cock hard and eager in his jeans, but the ache felt good. The wanting, the pleasure of it. Adam felt drunk on all the physical sensations.

"Take your shirt off?" Adam asked between kisses, pulling back enough to see Alec's eyes. His own were dark with pleasure and shy, hesitant of all the things he wanted.

That wasn't the answer Alec expected. He'd thought that Adam would want him to stop, not act like it was some kind of strange little kink while driving him crazy by kissing his neck. Alec tried to say something intelligent but it turned into a pleased hum when he felt Adam's teeth against his ear.

After the slow kisses, Alec was surprised by the intensity of the next, but the warmth of before turned to something hotter, needier. One hand twisted into Adam's shirt while the other went to his boyfriend's hip, trying to encourage him to keep grinding against him. After years of denial of his emotions, it was almost overwhelming to be able to let someone be this close. He didn't have to worry that Adam would find out his secrets and be offended that Alec was hard beneath him. Adam wanted him. Wanted this, wherever it might lead.

Blinking up at Adam, he forced himself to quit staring at his boyfriend's lips, slowly noticing more than their kisses and how much he wanted to keep grinding against his boyfriend. He smiled when he realized that Adam was enjoying this as much as he was. "If I take mine off are you going to take yours off?"

Adam ground down against him more firmly and steadily, surprised by how much he liked the feeling of Alec warm and solid between his legs, addicted to the rhythm of it.

His grin widened at the way Alec stared, the sweet awe on Alec's face, but it dropped suddenly with a shiver at the question. He recoiled a little, closing into himself, cheeks flushing with fear now instead of lust.

Keeping his hands on Alec's shoulders to steady them both, Adam swallowed hard. "It's not," he said, thick and choked, and couldn't finish. It's not a pretty sight. I'm not worth wanting.

Ducking his head as another tremor went through him, Adam struggled for a moment with trying to explain, or asking for time. He decided instead on bare honesty, letting his skin speak for him.

Hands shaking, Adam pulled his shirt up slowly, revealing the scars and burns, the broken collarbone that had never healed right, the deep hollows under and between his ribs from years of going hungry. All the damage and pain that Adam was sure only made him more unlovable.

Alec instantly regretted asking for Adam to take off his shirt. He'd accidentally crossed a line but he wasn't sure why. He would just say no if he was nervous. Shyness might be a factor but that wouldn't cause Adam to react like when he'd been overwhelmed earlier.

Reaching for his boyfriend, he wasn't sure if he should touch, then settled his hands on his hips again, trying to reassure Adam that there wasn't a reason to pull away from him. He wanted to pull him close and hold him until Adam calmed down but he wasn't sure if that would help.

Half-expecting Adam to move off the bed, he froze when his boyfriend began taking off his shirt. Alec wanted to ask him to stop. If whatever was wrong was so bad that Adam was shaking, it was something that could wait, but Adam looked so determined that he couldn't say something that might seem dismissive of his decision.

After everything that Adam had said, the way he acted sometimes, Alec had the feeling that he'd been abused. He hadn't really thought about the signs of it since Shadowhunters rarely had scars. Alec almost attempted to pretend that he didn't see the signs of ill-treatment and abuse, but he knew that Adam's pain shouldn't be ignored or glossed over. He didn't linger over one specific mark or scar, but he didn't avoid them either as his gaze moved from Adam's waist upward to his boyfriend's eyes.

As he mentally cataloged the signs of abuse that he'd suspected, he carefully hid his reactions, knowing that Adam would think his anger was directed at him. "It's not something you have to hide from me," he said, finishing Adam's sentence in a way that he knew his boyfriend didn't intend. "Scars don't bother me. They're a sign of strength."

"Mine aren't," Adam said, choked with emotion and unable to look at Alec, sure that he wouldn't be able to bear Alec's reaction.

Adam had spent most of his life keeping his shirt on so that no one would see or suspect the extent of his bruises. Only the worst of them became scars, but the catalog on his body was nothing but shame for Adam, proof that he couldn't be loved.

Alec's reaction wasn't disgust, at least, so Adam tucked close to him, hugging his arms around Alec's neck and hiding his face against Alec's shoulder. He clung, hugging tight to Alec, needing the warmth, comfort, and acceptance that he offered. No one else had seen his scars, not Blue, not Gansey.

Their makeout session had been spoiled, but Adam wanted Alec to see, so that he would know that Adam wasn't worth wanting and they wouldn't have to drag it out.

Wrapping his arms around Adam, he held him close, trying to find the right words. He'd never found them for Jace and Alec knew that he couldn't magically make Adam believe that he didn't find the scars offensive. "Yes, they are." He kept his tone gentle, emphasizing the words by brushing a hand through Adam's hair. "Healing takes strength. Sometimes it takes more strength to heal than it does to be injured."

For what felt like a long time, he was silent, running his fingers along Adam's back the way he had before that hadn't been ticklish for his boyfriend. "Scars really aren't weird to Shadowhunters." Alec didn't have many. Most had faded because of runes and time, but he knew where every one had been. It wasn't the same, but it didn't make him shy away from scars the way a Mundane might. "And they don't make my hot boyfriend less attractive."

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