marlowemuses | The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

There had bee no other options. Someone had to guard the relics the Angel had given them. The Cup and Sword were too powerful to be left in mortal hands even those that had been blessed by the Angel. That power was too tempting no matter how noble Nephilim might be. There would always be someone, some group of someones, who would be seduced by the possibilities that those gifts represented.

Even centuries after the decision had been made, Alec wasn't sure why he had been chosen for this particular duty. His parabatai had been a better warrior. His sister was far more clever. But the Angel had chosen him. Perhaps because he was better able to accept the isolation of his divine task. His siblings would have been driven mad by loneliness after the first few decades.

There were times when Alec wondered if he would eventually succumb to insanity, but he had the books that he eventually became guardian of and the cats that somehow crept between worlds to keep him company. They weren't exactly cats, of course. They were built more like predators than pets, eyes glowing with flames instead of the usual nocturnal glow. No matter how frightening they looked, they were Alec's friends and they helped Alec protect the items the Angel had left in his care.

It was the cats that warned him that something was wrong at the gates. The largest of them howled a warning, hissing as she faced the gate. The rest of the pride ran to her as Alec sprinted for the gates. Something - Someone - was attacking. He felt the temple shiver its warning through him and he knew that no matter how impossible it seemed, someone had crossed the threshold between worlds.

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Alec tried to fight back a shiver when Adam touched his hand. He expected the pain to intensify the way it had every time he'd moved or for Adam to accidentally jar the injury and cause it to become worse. His eyes widened when he felt something warm wash over the abused skin and into the cuts. Biting his lip, he tried to keep still but his fingers twitched, curling toward his palms more than they had since he'd been injured.

"That's how I felt. Like I was your servant or less than that." The warmth was easing the ache, making his thoughts hazy so it was easier to explain what had happened instead of snapping at Adam. "I told you I didn't know how to be around people. I tried, but you kept distancing yourself from me" That sounded sad and pathetic, but as his hands finally started feeling like they might eventually work again, he didn't care if Adam thought he was weak for letting the loneliness get the better of him. "You acted like you thought I'd hurt you."

Gently flexing his hands, he couldn't hide his relief when his fingers curled the way he wanted them too. He was so focused on watching the cuts fade that it took a moment for Alec to realize what Adam had said. "It wouldn't do that! Even if it could, it wouldn't. You're not. That's not. I'd like. But you wouldn't." Healing him didn't mean Adam liked him. Even if he did like Alec, Adam wasn't gay.

Adam smiled a tiny, fleeting smile at the way Alec fell apart into babbling at his suggestion, but the smile faded almost as quickly as it had come. "I wouldn't like being treated like a gift or a possession. I think I'd like dating a guy. But not if he treated me like shit."

Adam released Alec's hand and reached for the other one, starting to heal it the same way. He kept his eyes on Alec's hand because it was safer and easier than looking at his face. Adam didn't want to see Alec's feelings. "I do think you'll hurt me. I'm afraid you'll hit me, if I don't behave the way the temple thinks I should. I'm afraid that if I give you anything of myself, you'll scorn it like you did before, and make me feel worthless. I have plenty of people to make me feel worthless. I don't need another one."

"Dating? Courting?" How did they suddenly start discussing that subject? Adam disliked him. He thought he was a terrible person. Why would he want to court him?

Automatically he let Adam take his other hand, carefully keeping it still while the priestess worked. "I was not chosen because I like to harm others. When you arrived, I didn't want to hurt you, but I was afraid I'd have to. I hunted monsters before I arrived here, but I never intentionally hurt anyone."

Letting out a sigh, he shivered when a nerve jumped in his hand. He knew it was a good sign that it was still functional, but he knew that he shouldn't move. "Sorry. It was uncontrolled." There was probably another word for it but Alec couldn't think which would be correct. "I would never beat someone. Do you really think an Angel would choose someone who would treat others in such a way? My brother was - " He shook his head, realizing he'd almost gave Jace's secrets away. His best friend might be dead but he deserved better than that. "Even if I could be that cruel, what happened to him would keep me from treating another like that.

"I didn't scorn what you told me. I was hurt that you wouldn't tell me more. You offer me scraps then refuse to tell me anything more. I don't know what Virginia is like or if anyone else sounds the way you do." He liked Adam's accent but that would probably make him angry. "I don't know anything about your schools or the strange shoes in the magazine you gave me." He wasn't making any sense. Maybe if he had a few hours of sleep, he could explain it properly. "Only someone worthy could find the temple. If you weren't important, meant to be here, you wouldn't have ever seen the gate."

"You meant you'd like me in a gauzy loincloth and bow not in a dating sense?" Adam asked, wryly, with just a hint of teasing.

He kept healing Alec's hand, surprised by how easy it was. The temple was doing the work, he suspected. All Adam had to do was try, and care. "It cost me in time and effort and pride to offer you those scraps. You tell me they're not good enough and demand more. I don't have the time and effort to spare, and I've taken enough damage to my pride from you. I get that you're starved for it, and maybe the temple should have had the damn sense to give you a bridge that had more to offer, but I don't. If you can try to help me be your bridge instead of constantly demanding that I give you more and implying that I'm here to take everything from you, then maybe we wouldn't end up in these situations."

Adam gave him a defensive glare, then returned his eyes to his work. "Can you try to wrap your skull around the idea that I am not your replacement? I am your temple's gift to you. I can't afford a fucking bow."

"I - uh - " He was too tired to know what the right answer was. Actually he knew but since Adam had mentioned it twice he was having a difficult time not imaging Adam dressed like that. Except Adam hated him. That stopped that fantasy before it could even really begin. "You'd be - I can appreciate someone's beauty and not - You don't want to be courted."

His hand twitched and he almost pulled away from Adam when he began listing Alec's faults. Maybe he should be hurt to remind him of what he'd done wrong. But if Adam didn't heal him, he wasn't sure if the temple would allow him to recover. "No, you don't get it," he said softly, expecting Adam to stop healing him for speaking up. "I haven't seen another person since before the Dark Ages. Can you understand being alone for that long? I wanted to hear a voice that wasn't my own and that's too much to wish for. You told me that you think I'm a monster then ignore me when I try to tell you that I'm not."

Looking down at his hand, he stared at the cuts that still marred his fingers. "Why heal the monster? If you leave me crippled, then you don't have to worry about being a gift."

“I want very much to be courted,” Adam corrected him. “And I don’t think you’re a monster, or decor, or a servant, or any of that. I think you’re an attractive moron with terrible social skills and centuries to get worse and more clumsy with those social skills, and you keep hurting me with them.”

Adam’s hands trembled, but he forced himself to stay. “You might try courting me. It might help.” It would certainly be preferable to the current situation, though Adam wasn’t sure he wanted to be courted when the temple was trying to make sure he didn’t have a choice.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." But he had even if it'd been by accident. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do." Maybe if Adam set rules he'd understand what the priestess wanted. "Can I ask questions? Not about you." Those seemed to be off limits and he had to stop wanting to know about Adam's life. He wasn't part of it and couldn't be. Maybe if he asked general things. "Like what some of the foods the temple gave you were?" That couldn't be too offensive... Alec hoped.

Letting out a sigh, he stared down at the ground, hating that Adam was trembling when he wasn't sure if it was because of anger or Adam being afraid of him. "I never courted anyone. I don't know how." Adam would want him to be honest. "It wouldn't be fair to you when you think you're a gift. The temple might be pushing you to be here but you have choices. I won't allow it to keep forcing you into things."

“That’s a good start,” Adam murmured, looking up at him and giving him a tiny smile in gratitude. Alec wanted to protect him and make sure he had choices, and Adam felt warmed by that. “Maybe the temple can give you some books on the subject, if it’s something you want to try.”

His thumb brushed gently over Alec’s hand in an uninjured spot. “Asking questions not about me is fine. You might try saying please and only asking a question or two at a time. I don’t normally talk much. You want everything explained. That’s difficult for me. I’m trying. Be patient.”

"I'll try to tell the temple and the cats to stop." He wasn't sure if either would listen but he could try. "I don't think I'm the one who should make decisions about courting." Adam had to decide what he was comfortable with and if he wanted to be courted. He'd said that he didn't mind but it wasn't fair when the magic that surrounded them was shoving Adam at him.

His fingers twitched and Alec had to force himself to stay still when Adam touched his hand. Even the areas that hadn't been as damaged felt sensitive after having so much magic flowing through them. "Sorry. It feels strange. Not painful." He needed to find a way to speak to Adam without offending the priestess. "Thank you." Slowly, he tried to curl his fingers, moving them in different ways to prove to himself that eventually he'd be back to normal. "I'll be careful about questions."

"I already made my decision about courting," Adam said, looking up again and holding Alec's gaze for longer this time. He wanted to be courted, but even with the temple's encouragement he wasn't sure Alec was interested in that. He'd done nothing to show attraction to Adam, and Adam found it hard to imagine anyone finding him attractive anyway.

"Do you want me to pause or keep going?" Adam asked, returning his eyes to Alec's hand. "I didn't know all the foods at that banquet. I can try to identify a few of them."

Meeting Adam's gaze, he reminded himself that he had to speak. He couldn't make assumptions or decisions for both of them. "I want to try courting you." Then they could see if they liked each other at least. Courting didn't mean they were going to be forced into a relationship. "But I wanted you to be sure that it's your choice and not the temple's. I didn't like it when my parents arranged for me to marry. I don't want you to feel the way I did."

Returning his attention to his hand, he gave Adam a small smile when he realized that most of damage was gone. "Keep going. If you don't finish, it may take a long time for it to get better." As he spoke, he tried to ignore how loudly his stomach growled at the mention of food. More than just exhaustion had been wearing him down over the past few days. "It was a silly question. I can look up the answer in the library. The banquet is probably still waiting for you. The magic here usually preserves food."

Adam's smile reappeared when Alec said that he wanted to court him. Shy but hopeful, he blushed at Alec's earnest gaze and his words. "It's my choice. I don't have to be won over if you court me."

Renewing the magic pouring into Alec's hands, Adam's fingertips roamed a bit more boldly, guiding the magic into the places he could tell were tight or blocked. "It's up to you what questions you want most to ask." His lips quirked a little at Alec's audible stomach grumbling, but he kept his eyes on Alec's hands while he worked. "You... married?"

"Then I won't feel guilty for trying." Now that he knew it wasn't something being forced on Adam, he could think of it without doubting the reasons that the priestess said yes. Being able to work together didn't mean that Adam had to be interested in him in that way.

As more magic moved through his hand, Alec stopped trying to stop the odd nervous twitches that it sometimes caused. Adam was doing something different but it must be something he felt was needed to fix the damage. "Then I'm not going to waste it on weird looking fruit or those sweets I saw." They both would probably make him sick since he wasn't used to those things. "I was engaged before I came here. I was supposed to carry on the family line, but it wouldn't have been a true marriage."

"And it didn't go through?" Adam confirmed, worried and jealous to think of Alec married just after they'd agreed upon courtship, even though he knew that any wife--or husband?--would be hundreds of years gone, unless he'd missed some understanding of Alec's life.

He finished his healing work on Alec's hands, checking them over to make sure they were flawless. He couldn't help himself from lingering, enjoying being able to touch, and Alec's hands were so strong and elegant.

"The Angel asked for someone from my family and I volunteered. It was better for everyone that it was me." He'd learned a few things about what happened to her. "We never married and she probably had a better life without me. I wouldn't have been a good husband for her." Not when he had little interest in women. Hopefully she'd married someone who truly made her happy.

Watching Adam as he checked for any signs of the injuries, he curled his fingers around the priestesses. It felt strange touching someone after so long. Especially someone who he couldn't seem to stop fighting with. "Thank you. I was afraid they'd never be right again."

“You were injured for me,” Adam said, looking at Alec holding his hand as a blush spread over his cheeks. “It was right that I should heal you.”

He was still sick with terror that the temple might again prevent him from leaving, but he tried to push that thought aside, tried not to think about the shift at work that he was missing right now, without having called in, which might itself be grounds for dismissal.

"We can go eat," he said, figuring that he might as well make sure they both ate, as long as he was already missing work.

"You were angry because of me." The punishment may have been harsh, but Alec should have known that what could happen when Angels were involved. "It being the right thing to do or not, I still want to thank you."

Brushing his thumb along Adam's hand, he grinned when there was no pain accompanying the movement. He began to speak when his stomach growled again. "I - uh - haven't eaten much lately." It'd been too difficult to eat most things and after awhile he'd been too tired and hurt to worry about food. "We could see if the temple will surprise you with food again."

“Us,” Adam corrected. It was hard to think while Alec was holding his hand. Caressing his hand. Alec, who wanted to court him. “It had better lay a spread for us both.”

He let go with one hand but left the other one connected, loosely holding hands with Alec.

“It’s this way,” Adam said, certain, though he still hadn’t gotten a complete tour of the temple. He could just feel the way they were meant to go.

Even after talking about courting, Alec hadn't been sure that Adam would want to be around him after everything that had happened. Adam had been tricked into returning. That had been Persephone's scheme, but the priestess could have still been angry over it. He could have wanted to finish healing Alec and leave.

Smiling when it became obvious that Adam really did mean 'us' he let the priestess lead them into the temple. "It is." Gently squeezing Adam's hand, he thought about their earlier tours and how they might seem to someone who hadn't lived at the temple for centuries. "I haven't been trying to hide anything from you, except my quarters and the relics that I'm supposed to keep safe. The temple is a strange place. It changes sometimes without warning. I can show you the rooms that rarely change, but you might be able to find things I've never seen."

Edited 2019-01-29 17:57 (UTC)

Adam glanced over shyly and blushed when Alec squeezed his hand. He'd never held hands with someone before, and he wasn't completely sure how he'd ended up holding hands with Alec now.

It caught his attention when Alec mentioned relics he was supposed to keep safe. Adam hadn't previously thought of this place as anything other than temple and library, but now he realized that Alec had another role. He was guarding something of value, though it was difficult to know from 'relics' alone what value they held to whom. They might be priceless treasures or they might simply be artifacts of value to Alec and the angel that he obeyed or worshiped.

He tried not to think about the shift he was missing at work. Part of his mind was busy calculating the lost income, the adjustments he'd need to make, how he'd cope if he lost the job, what he'd have to give up to compensate. But his stomach still growled hungrily when he stepped through the door into the banquet hall, spread with a smaller feast filled with similar wonders. It seemed absurdly ostentatious, as though the temple itself was trying to court Adam with flamboyant gifts.

As he led Adam through the temple to the room the temple had determined to be a banquet hall, he tried not to be too hopeful about the truce that had developed between them. Adam might have said that he wanted to be courted, but that didn't mean that he'd want that in a few days. That decision might have been based on guilt or Adam would realize that he was being courted by someone who wasn't part of the mortal world. That might change his thoughts on Alec courting him.

That thought darkened his mood briefly, but Alec told himself that he couldn't worry about the future. If he did, he'd be thrown into another depression. That wasn't something that he wanted Adam to see.

When Adam's stomach growled, he fought back a smile. "The temple knew we were both hungry." Looking around, he noticed that only Emily and Persephone had followed them. "We'd better hurry before the rest of the pride gets here or there'll be nothing left for us." The cats looked offended by his teasing, but they paced along the floor beside the temple, eyeing the plates for a treat. "Emily usually only begs but Persephone will steal from your plate."

"Get your own plate," he told the cat. Letting go of Alec's hand, Adam gathered up a plate of his own and warily took a few things. He remembered how badly his last meal with Alec had ended and was nervous about another fight, so he limited the things that he picked up, preferring to go back for seconds rather than leave his plate unfinished.

Settling into a chair, Adam picked at his food, giving the cats warning looks when they came close but not bothering to shove either of them off the table as long as they left his plate alone.

He kept one eye constantly on Alec, wary and admiring. Unsure how to offer any kind of conversation, Adam kept quiet, hoping that Alec could ask his questions without Adam needing to provide an opening for him.

Glancing down at Persephone, he gave her a look that asked her to have better manners than she usually did with Alec. Knowing how much she liked to scavenge from his meals, he took a plate and placed enough meat on it to keep the two guard cats occupied. Setting it down, he looked over the choices that the temple had given them this time.

The feast wasn't as elaborate as before but there were things that Alec barely recognized and ones that he'd never seen before. He selected about the same amount of food as Adam, trying not to be too obvious about how hungry he was. Giving a plate of pastries a wistful look, he turned away from the treats to take a seat near Adam.

Remembering how wary the priestess had been before, Alec placed a hand on the chair in front of Adam and asked, "May I sit here?"

Adam nodded, glad to have Alec nearby, even though he still felt wary and defensive, and the dread of not being able to leave again hung over him, souring every bite. He still kept one arm curled protectively around his plate, unable to believe that this feast was for him and wouldn't just vanish.

He ate hungrily, realizing just how hungry he was the more that he ate, and he tentatively got up to fill another plate once the first was done. "You can ask your questions," he suggested, keeping an eye on Alec partly out of wariness and partly because he just wanted to look at him.

As he ate, he tried not to make his curiosity too obvious, forcing himself to keep his attention mostly on his meal instead of Adam. Slowly, he began to realize that Adam wasn't wary of him. He didn't act like he was expecting Alec to attack him. It still seemed strange that Adam was on guard, but he could ignore that.

"I'm not sure what to ask," he admitted, surprised that his plate was empty. It seemed foolish to ask questions about things he could look up later, but Adam said that he wouldn't answer questions about himself. "I did look up America, but I didn't read about Virginia. It seemed..." He shrugged and got up to select some of the more exotic fruit that rarely appeared at the temple. His voice grew softer as he thought about how curious he'd been about where Adam lived. And how Adam hadn't seemed to want to share any details of his life. "Wrong so I read about other places."

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