marlowemuses | The One Secret I Never Told You

"I'll be of best service to you if I stay close," Adam agreed, eyes averted. His posture was strictly erect, shoulders back and spine straight, and close scrutiny would easily reveal the lonely misery in his face.

Ronan was standing on Adam's bad side, so he had to struggle to make sense of Ronan's words, but he couldn't dare reveal that. A damaged servant was worthless.

"Perhaps I might tell my lord what I know once he has settled in a bit?" Adam suggested, all too aware of the eyes lingering on them, judging Adam for being too friendly and conversational with one of the masters of the house. "It will take some time to prepare your new rooms."

It made Adam's heart pound to be so close. The hollow of Ronan's throat drew his eyes. He wondered how the skin there would taste.

Every inch of Adam was completely formal and Ronan hated every minute. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They had been friends, and Ronan... Ronan had loved him, even if he never had the chance to pursue it. From the ache that was building in his chest from Adam's appearance to his behavior, it hurt to realize that it was all too likely that Ronan loved him still. There had been no one else.

Well. There had been one flirtation, one that hadn't gone anywhere either, but Joseph Kavinsky was a different animal all together. Their parting had been ... a little rough, and Kavinsky hadn't seemed over it. It wasn't likely they would see each other again, though, so Ronan wasn't concerned about the things Kavinsky had sworn.

Ronan had to keep his eyes off of Adam lest he stare. So his gaze was focused ahead, steady and fierce like the animal he'd become. "I don't care," he said, "if Declan hears that we're talking shit about him. He's awful. Only thing he was good for back when I was a kid was managing money, but I wouldn't be surprised if he spent it all on whatever woman he's trying to snatch a virtue from." It disgusted him, how loose his brother was. Yet Declan wasn't about to change his ways. Just like Ronan wasn't about to change his.

But he didn't press. If Adam was worried, whatever he was worried about, Ronan wouldn't try to stress it. So he merely shrugged and continued to the Barns, relaxing once they were far from enough from the mansion. He had always preferred the animals they kept rather than the house.

There was a horse out for grazing. Ronan approached him and rubbed his nose gently, pressing a kiss between the colt's eyes. Animals always got sweetness from him.

"What happened, Adam?"

"I would be loathe to speak ill of one of my employers, sir," Adam murmured in response to the suggestion of talking shit about Declan, hoping that Ronan would get the hint that while he was free to say whatever he liked about his brother, Adam had none of the same liberties.

He trailed after him, carrying Ronan's bags and trying to ignore the weight and his own fatigue. When Ronan kissed the horse, Adam had to look away. He wanted so badly that it hurt.

What happened? You left. You left me.

"I don't know what to tell you, sir," Adam said, glad that they were alone but dropping none of his obsequiousness. "Your brother continues in good health and is pursuing the heart of a wealthy young lady. Your friend the young Lord Gansey prospers in both popularity and wealth, and is much sought after as an eligible bachelor. He informs me that Miss Blue was arrested again last week and is in high spirits about the matter, and planning to partake in another suffragette demonstration in the upcoming week."

"Not about them," he said stubbornly, though he was happy to hear that Gansey was doing well. They had wrote to each other on occasion, actually, but Gansey never made mention of Adam in his letters. Much as Ronan had considered asking, he had decided not to, in the end. Blue, on the other hand, he hadn't cared too much about. Whatever romantic business that was going on involving her, he had usually made it his business to not know. But she was an asshole, one of the finest, and he respected that much. She was the only one of his so-called peers that also got arrested. There was solidarity in that.

"You. What the fuck did Declan do?" Of course, he was quick to blame Declan, though the fact that his leaving clearly had an impact on his friend wasn't lost on him. Ronan finally turned his intense gaze on Adam, making unrelenting and unforgiving eye-contact with the other man.

"This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't think—I had thought they would keep treating you as they had before. I'm a fucking idiot, clearly."

Planning wasn't a strong suit of his when he was spiraling into near-suicidal depression. It was better than he wasn't here for his drunken nights, the brawls, dragging himself back to his room bloodied and furious.

Ronan pressed his lips together again. He knew very well why Adam didn't just leave; he needed a recommendation and reference. Declan, asshole he was, would never give one to a perfectly good servant. Adam withstood being treated like trash and worked hard. Ronan had always known that. No doubt it had only gotten worse. Why would Declan let him leave?

"I won't be staying long," he said, turning his attention back to the horse that was looking for another kiss. He gave it, again, between the eyes. The horse made a pleased sound.

"Maybe a few months. Be my valet during that time. When I leave, I'll write you the best recommendation a man can write. You'll be able to go anywhere you want."

Ronan glanced up at Adam again, his heart clenching. Anywhere meant away from Ronan, yes, but... he had no right to ask Adam to stay with him. Not after what he pulled. Ronan was honest, even with himself. He fucked up. Even if Adam was his first love, his current love, he deserved better.

"Does that sound like a fair deal?"

Adam didn't meet Ronan's eyes in return. He kept his gaze on Ronan's throat, face impassive while Ronan talked. The bags weighed on his aching arms, but he refused to set them down.

It meant a lot that Ronan cared at all, even if it hadn't occurred to him that Adam's position had been entirely dependent upon Ronan's presence. He wished, achingly, that Ronan would take him along, wherever he went, but the deal Ronan offered was the best thing that could happen to him, and it was fair, which meant Adam could accept it. Ronan wasn't offering charity. He was offering a job that Adam deserved, and a ticket out of this place.

"Yes," Adam said, eyes flicking up to Ronan's only briefly and then dropping away. A few months. At least he'd have that much time at Ronan's side, safe and with a measure of authority. He could actually stretch his wings a little and test out his skills in a position with some real responsibility. "It would be my pleasure. Thank you, sir."

"Ronan," he answered plainly, giving the horse one final pat before shoving his hands into his pockets. "At least, when we're alone, use my name. I don't like being called sir." Something Declan probably got off on.

"Let's go, then." He made his way toward the bigger barn where the loft was, pushing open the door and stepping inside. Despite being a barn it had a pleasant smell. Hay, and something sweet. Flowers. His mother used to plant flowers all around this area. Ronan was happy to see that they still bloomed.

"You can leave my bags down here. I'll carry them up to the loft." It was too much for Adam to carry. The man looked tired, and while Ronan knew better than to try and take them before getting here, there was no reason for Adam to stubbornly keep holding into them now. Some were light but others were heavy.

Stepping further inside, he hooked onto the ladder that lead up to the loft and began to climb. It was desolate, free of any furnishings whatsoever, but it was fairly clean and warm. Ronan lingered, brushing his fingers against the walls and looking out the window at the expanse of flowers and grass. The window faced away from the mansion. All the better.

Being back was bittersweet indeed.

"Will you tell me how things have been around here now?" he called, stepping over to the ledge to look down at his old friend.

Adam relaxed only the tiniest bit once they were safely inside. Maids would be coming soon with brooms and buckets to clean, fresh sheets and possibly a fresh mattress. Adam wanted to direct all of it, though he also needed to tend to Ronan himself.

"I don't know what else there is to tell," Adam said, leaving off the 'sir' with difficulty. "I have worked here as an under-footman since you left. My parents retain their former positions." That was going to be especially difficult, trying to give them orders in order to get what Ronan needed. "You'd be better off getting the news from your brother. There's very little that reaches my ears."

Setting down only one of the bags, Adam started up the ladder with the rest. He wasn't about to let Ronan carry his own bags, especially not if someone walked in on them. The servants would talk, and it would come down on Adam's head.

Ronan grumbled at that. He would prefer to wrestle an angry raccoon in a mud pit, while naked, than talk to his brother. However, Adam was right. Declan would know the state of affairs with the estate and the state of their mother. Though, he also supposed, Adam probably would have heard if she woke up. That would have sent the whole house running.

So he merely nodded, walking over to the ladder to offer Adam some help. Stubborn as always, yet Ronan was just as stubborn. "Shit, you're going to fall if you don't let me help," he frowned, "and then I'd have no valet. Gimme at least one or two."

There were voices echoing across the yard and Ronan knew they must be the maids that Declan sent to check up on him. They'd clean if they were told to, yes, but then they'd go running back to his brother, breathless, crying about how the young master was staying out in the Barns with the animals.

Ronan made a face. "I'll have to go talk to my brother," he grimaced. "I'd like it if you came with me."

Adam handed the bags up one by one, since Ronan was right about that part and it would be difficult to safely clear the top of the ladder with the bags he was carrying.

The loft already felt like it belonged to Ronan. Adam remembered playing in the barns as children, when things had been easier. The place still smelled the same, hay and horses, with a sweet breath of flowers from outside. He had missed this, and missed Ronan most of all.

At the sound of voices, his eyes flicked toward the door, but his attention returned quickly to Ronan and he nodded once, briefly. "Remember," he murmured, "that I belong to his household. Your brother is my employer, not you, and if he sees fit to turn me away, there's nothing you can do about it."

Not unless Ronan set up his own household, either as a bachelor in London or finally taking over the country estate that had been left to him. Adam knew the details of Ronan's situation, because he had listened attentively as a child when it had been explained to Ronan. Whenever he had a quiet moment inside his own mind, he spent it planning and daydreaming how he would set up and run a household for Ronan, as his valet, or steward, or butler.

Ronan made another face. "Or I can punch him in the goddamn face," he muttered with some heat, leaving the bags lined up against the wall. Again, Adam was right, and Ronan didn't like it one bit. Being under Declan's rules was already grating and he'd only been there for about ten minutes. It made him sick. Angry. It was tempting to punch the wall, break open the skin on his knuckles and relish the way the wound would throb—but he resisted, not wanting Adam to see him like that.

He'd get drunk later. That usually worked.

The maids stepped inside, still whispering to each other, and Ronan stepped over to the edge of the loft again. With a crisp, clear voice that was not to be argued with, he said, "I'll be staying here, in the loft, for the foreseeable future. Adam will oversee everything that needs to be done. You'll listen to him or you'll hear from me. And believe me, you don't want to hear from me."

The girls quieted, eyes wide as saucers at how intimidating the young master had become. Quickly, they nodded, hands folded in front of their skirts and eyes demurely facing down.

"I think you know what I want," he said, softly, for Adam's ears only.

Ronan gave Adam one last glance before sliding down the ladder, shoes crunching beneath scattered hay. The maids jumped at his sudden drop but otherwise stayed quiet.

"I'm going to step outside," he said, looking up, "to see the flowers. When you're done directing them, Adam, meet me there." He wouldn't stay and breathe over Adam's shoulder as he directed the girls as to what they were to do. He trusted Adam, and he wanted Adam to have a taste of that power without him there. So with one final nod at the maids he stepped out of the barn and around back to the little garden of flowers. They were more beautiful than he remembered.

Grateful for being put in charge, Adam descended the ladder with as much dignity as possible and began his instructions. One girl would stay and begin cleaning. The other was to return to the house for supplies and additional help. Fresh mattress, clean sheets and blankets, a mouser--he seemed to recall that one of their neighbors had recently had kittens?

Ronan would want to wash up from his journey, so he would need a working bath. The bath pump would need to be checked, and the water heater should be cleaned and repaired as necessary. The entire loft area should be scrubbed. The little iron stove would need to be cleaned out and supplied with fresh coal to warm the loft.

Satisfied with his orders, Adam went outside to report to his new master. "Everything is in order," he murmured, stepping to Ronan's side.

When Adam found him, Ronan was busy cradling a rose between his fingers. It was a purple rose, an oddity that his father had brought back for his mother after one of his many travels. The both of them delighted in seemingly impossible things. Purple roses had apparently made the list, and his mother had gotten seeds to grow some of her own. They reminded Ronan of her most of all.

His thumb traced along one of the wide petals with surprising tenderness. Velvety soft.

At Adam's voice, Ronan glanced up from his thoughts and gave a curt nod. "Time to deal with my brother, then." He did not sound the least bit excited about it. Standing straight and shoving his hands into his pockets, he began to stride back to the house, reluctant yet not willing to back down. Declan wouldn't get the better of him.

Though when the arrived in front of the door to Declan's study room, there was the undeniable giggle of a woman, and the murmur of a man. Ronan's face twisted up in disgust and he pounded on the door with an incredible ferocity. The woman gasped and there was the sound of clothes being hastily thrown on before the door opened and the maid rushed out, blushing and straightening her skirts as she rushed past them.

"You're disgusting," Ronan said, staring at his brother from the hallway. Declan, smoothing his hair back, shot his brother a look.

"You'd do yourself a favor to find a woman of your own," his brother said, leaning back in his office chair, behind his desk.

Ronan was quiet, not quite ready to parse that particular conversation with Declan—not in front of Adam, especially. "Come on, Adam," he said, stepping inside, "what are you going to need for the loft? Tell him. I forgot everything."

Declan looked confused, "The loft?"

"Sir," Adam said, stepping forward and remaining a half step behind Ronan. He kept Ronan on his good side so that he could hear better. "Mr Lynch has asked me to serve as his personal valet, and he would prefer to reside in the Barns so as to intrude less upon your household. I've begun making arrangements for Mr Lynch's comfort during his stay."

His heart was pounding with anxiety. He almost never had occasion to speak directly to the master of the house, being so far below him in authority that there were several rungs of reporting between them. Head ringing, he tried to think of what else he might need for Ronan's comfort.

Declan's mouth open and then closed, like a fish. Ronan grinned.

"No," Declan snarled, slamming his hands down on the desk. "What the fuck, Ronan? Sleeping in the damn barn like an animal? Always causing problems. Getting drunk, getting into brawls, horse racing and ruining our name wasn't enough for you? Now you're just outright downgrading to a beast. What's wrong with your old room?"

"I don't want to stay there," Ronan snarled right back, staring at his brother heatedly. The friction in the air between them was thick enough to be felt. "You wouldn't get it, Declan. If I'm not staying in the barn I'm fucking leaving. Take. Your. Goddamn. Pick."

The Lynch brothers stared at each other, ready to pounce like animals, salivating for the jugular. Then Declan rubbed his hands against his temples, sighing.

"Whatever he needs, see it's taken care of. Money is of no concern." Because, in the end, Declan Lynch would always choose having his brother near enough to have under his thumb. Even if it was in the barn.

"Sir," Adam said, and bowed. He took a step back, heart rabbiting in his chest, and hoped desperately that Ronan would leave with him. He felt distinctly unsafe here, vulnerable, in front of this man who had so much power over his life.

His breath had quickened by the time he reached the hallway, though he allowed no other outward sign of his panic. His deaf ear rang loudly and his head ached.

Ronan made to follow after Adam, but Declan stopped him.

"We need to talk about you managing the country estate," his brother said. "Not to mention going through dad's old things. We need to divide them up."

Ronan pressed his lips together. "Why do you think you managed to convince me to come back? We'll do it. But I've got no interest in the country estate. I'm here for what dad wanted me to have and then I'm gone."

Declan frowned yet said nothing more. Ronan left. Reaching the hallway, he stepped beside Adam, watching him carefully.

"Are you all right? Need to rest?"

Adam had a good constitution when they were kids but times had changed. He looked tired and worn now, like he'd seen far more than a young man should have. Ronan worried, but wasn't good at expressing it.

"You don't need to worry about me, sir," Adam said, closing his eyes briefly and then drawing himself up, restored to himself. "I'm ready to serve."

He glanced around them subtly, knowing that these hallways were nearly as hostile to Ronan as they were to Adam. The gossip was vicious, and Declan's household was not fond of Ronan, aside from the few older servants who had known him as a child. "Your rooms may not yet be clean. I ought to return and supervise the process. Is there anything else you require of me at the moment?"

Ronan watched Adam with sharp eyes, taking in the other man's state. There would be no making Adam rest now; too stubborn, prideful, he'd refuse and insist on working. Which was fine. It simply meant Ronan had to be more creative in getting him to relax a little.

"No," he said, finally looking away and down the hall. There was a shadow lingering; someone hiding around the corner and listening, but not realizing that their shadow betrayed them.

"No. You are dismissed."

Ronan hated what his brother had down to this house. Before, servants spying was a rare thing. Now? One had to watch their tongue lest Declan get wind of something. Not that Ronan cared about fighting his brother. Adam, on the other hand, was a different story.

"Thank you, sir." Bowing to Ronan, Adam retreated out to the Barns. There was plenty to do, and he wanted to personally manage as much of it as possible. Thankfully, the cleaning was underway, though with less enthusiasm than he would have liked.

He took command of the situation immediately, getting the servants to report on the maintenance of the place so that he could decide what to prioritize, what to clean, what to repair or replace. He arranged for a smaller pallet for himself to be placed in the corner, with thicker blankets than he'd ever had before.

Preparing a home for Ronan made him feel deeply satisfied. Even though he could never have the love he wanted from Ronan, he could at least have the pleasure of caring for him and making sure that everything was to Ronan's taste.

Ronan stood in the same spot as Adam retreated, and then wandered the halls. Halls of his childhood. It hurt, to think that he would never find his father walking them again. Back when Declan wasn't as much of an asshole, and his mother would float outside, happy to simply live life.

Eventually he made his way back to the Barns, chewing on a piece of meat bread that the cook had given him when he passed by the kitchen.

"How's it looking?" he asked Adam, glancing around as he strode inside. It looked and felt cleaner. "No huge rats nests, I hope." But if there was, maybe they could transport them to Declan's room. It was a satisfying thought.

A smile flickered over Adam's face at the sight of Ronan healthy and relaxed. Hope looked better on Ronan than rage, though Adam loved him either way. "Go and look," he said, nodding toward the ladder.

"The structure of the building is sound," Adam continued, as he watched Ronan climb the ladder. "There's no damage, only dust. Everything's just about finished. Shall I go ahead and draw you a bath now?"

At the top of the ladder, Adam had arranged to have the bed made with dark blue sheets, a soft pale blue blanket, and the blue and white patchwork quilt that Ronan's mother had made, long ago, patterned like the ocean. He'd arranged to hang draperies from the hooks in the ceiling, offering a canopy above the bed to protect it, and drapes all around for privacy and warmth. Soft rugs carpeted the loft floor, and a tea service was waiting, still hot, on the little table. Only Adam's cot looked out of place, tucked into the corner with white sheets and dark green blankets. It looked cozy, and Adam was excited to have something so lovely for his own, but it was still ill-fitting and disappointing by comparison to what he'd prepared for Ronan.

Ronan was entranced the moment he saw the quilt that Adam managed to find. Stepping forward, he brushed his hand across the patches, remembering when his mother had stitched it together. The rest was lovely as well; Adam had quickly turned the empty loft into something livable.

"You did a good job," he said, not because he was trying to make Adam feel good, but because it was true. It felt clean and homey. Much better than every inch of the mansion did.

It was good that the structure was sound. There was no need to bother Declan about anything, then. Which was how Ronan preferred it.

At the mention of a bath Ronan turned his head. It had been a long trip, and a bath actually sounded nice.

"Yeah," he said as he unbuttoned his vest and made to kick off his shoes, "that'd be good. It's been a long day."

Adam knew he had done well. He remembered Ronan well enough to recognize the signs of his pleasure and approval.

Heart soaring with pride to have pleased Ronan, he bowed briefly and headed for the bathing room. There was a shining copper tub, freshly polished, and a little coal stove, already lit, under a basin of water. It pumped up from the wells below the ground, fresh, sweet water.

Adam opened the spigot, finding the water already plenty hot. He pulled his hand back quickly, lightly scalded, and let the basin fill. It was scalding at first, the heated water from the basin, but as the basin drained, Adam worked the pump to fill it with cold spring water, mixing with the heated water and cooling it until it was merely steaming.

A small array of bath salts rested by the side of the tub, scents that Adam had chosen. He added one that was scented with juniper and bergamot, hoping Ronan would like it.

While Adam was in the other room, Ronan stepped a bit closer to where he'd set his own bed up. It was ... shabby, in comparison to what he had given Ronan. Not that Ronan cared about anything looking shabby. It was very Adam. He'd always been an abstemious kid.

Quietly, Ronan went to his bags. There were things he'd brought back for Adam, but now that he saw what Adam was like, he didn't think he'd outright accept his gifts. So he would have to slip them into Adam's life quietly, one thing at a time. The first was a rich hand cream. He remembered that Adam had sensitive, dry hands. Now, he was especially happy he'd picked this up, seeing how poorly Adam had been cared for.

He slipped the bottle underneath Adam's covers. He'd find it there.

Then he stripped himself of his shirt, leaving it folded on the bed. Normally he'd have just tossed it anywhere, but if Adam stayed with him, he'd probably try and clean up after him. Better to not make any extra work for his old friend.

Stepping into the doorway, he leaned against the frame, bare-chested and arms crossed. Only his pants were left on, hanging low on his hips, showing off the scant hair below his navel.

"What's that? Smells good."

Adam's eyes flicked over him, noting with appreciation that Ronan had gotten even more muscular in addition to the gained height.

Grateful for his darker complexion, which hid the blush as his eyes slipped downward, Adam quickly returned his attention to the bathwater. "Juniper and bergamot bath salts, sir," he said, stirring it with his hand to make sure it was the right temperature and then turning off the tap. Then he went to Ronan, eyes averted, intending to serve as a valet and aid him in undressing.

Breath quickening with nerves, he reached for Ronan's fly to help him out of his trousers.

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