marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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Adam leaned into the touch on his jaw, eyes falling half-shut with pleasure. No one had ever touched him like that, with soft affection, and he relished it, feeling his nerves settle. "Distracted how?" he asked.

Turning his head, Adam pressed a soft kiss to Alec's palm, eyes closing fully as he did so. His hands settled on Alec's chest again, reassured that it was okay to touch.

Alec couldn't remember anyone reacting to him the way Adam did. Even with the attraction between them, he'd always been at odds with Magnus. There had always been walls separating them. Until now Alec had never allowed himself to be so close to someone he liked. The nervous flutter in his chest he felt when he realized how happy Adam was because Alec was touching him was something new.

If he wasn't so caught up in how pleased Adam seemed he would have rolled his eyes at the question. Breath hitching at the kiss, he tried to ignore the warmth that spread along his hand. "Distracted by kissing and touching the hot guy that I like when I should be making sure he's safe."

“No one’s ever called me hot before,” Adam said, blushing and grinning. For once, he didn’t doubt the idea. He trusted Alec enough to believe that he meant it. And maybe, if Alec believed it, it was true. Or at least true for Alec, and having one person in the world who found him hot was enough to make Adam happy.

“Will you,” he murmured, ducking his head. He slid his hands up a little higher, curling his fingertips over Alec’s shoulders, and let his head fall forward to rest his forehead against Alec’s chest. “Just hold me for a minute,” he finished, almost inaudible.

"They haven't?" He was surprised that no one had noticed, and then he remembered what Adam had said about his father. Maybe that was why no one had told Adam that he was attractive. "They should have." Alec wasn't sure if he would have noticed Adam before the wedding and coming out, but now he couldn't imagine not noticing him.

Sliding his hand from Adam's jaw to the back of his neck, he wrapped his other arm around Adam's waist. "I'll hold you as long as you want."

Adam felt warm and safe as Alec's arms went around him, but at the same time his heart started thudding, filling with an aching vulnerability that made Adam feel desperate for more contact and yet terrified of being shoved away. The flood of emotions was more than he knew how to deal with--satisfaction, affection, joy, fear, nerves, arousal, insecurity--combined with the confusing physical and mental relaxation at being held.

Little tremors went through him, overwhelmed by sorrow and longing, and he slid his arms further up, hugging them around Alec's neck and clinging to him for a minute, soaking in the human contact.

Blue had touched him, held his hand, hugged him, even cuddled a bit, but it hadn't been like this. There had always been an impatience and a discomfort to their touches, one of them always fidgety or insecure, never quite fitting together.

Alec holding him felt like submerging into an ocean, and Adam didn't know if he'd ever be able to surface again, or if he ever wanted to.

All at once it became too much, and Adam pulled back suddenly, face red and heart pounding.

His skin felt electric with stimulation, and he felt dizzy. He wanted desperately to cling to Alec again, but he also needed a respite to deal with everything that he felt.

"Sorry," he stammered, rubbing at his hair and feeling irreparably broken. But he didn't want his damage to hurt Alec, which meant he had to offer some kind of explanation. "I'm not used to being touched gently," he said at last, accent thick as molasses. Head down and too shy to look at Alec in anything more than glances, Adam stuck out his hand tentatively, since he was pretty sure he could endure holding hands.

Alec wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to react to being able to hold Adam. For years he'd had to keep some kind of mental distance from the person he'd been infatuated with. Hugging Jace had been more painful than a comfort unless there'd been a bad mission and they both needed to know that the other was alive. He'd always had to hide his feelings, making sure that the heartache he felt wasn't obvious to his parabatai.

He didn't have to hide from Adam. He could close his eyes and be himself. No walls keeping his emotions hidden from the person he wanted to touch. Relaxing into the contact, Alec couldn't quite believe that this was allowed. It felt strange and wonderful and completely beyond what he had believed he could have. He'd never thought he could hold someone - someone he chose not someone his parents wanted him to choose - and feel his heart race. He'd never thought it'd feel comfortable and intoxicating.

Alec almost got lost in the happiness caused by that choice and having the person he liked so close when he felt Adam shiver. For a moment, he held Adam tighter, silently reminding him that he was solid and there. Then he loosened his hold enough that if Adam wanted, he could pull free.

As soon as Adam began to move, Alec step away. He kept his posture relaxed as he watched Adam, trying to figure out if the flush on the magician's face was embarrassment or something else. He didn't look angry. Alec hoped he wasn't. He didn't want their first kiss to be followed by a fight.

He almost asked why Adam was sorry, but the rest of the explanation stilled his question. His chest ached as he realized what that meant. What it implied. By the Angel... He ignored that hurt, focusing on Adam instead. Catching his hand, Alec twined his fingers between Adam's. "There's nothing to be sorry for." Pausing, he searched for the right words. There probably weren't any but he tried to find something that would help. Or at least distract Adam from what had caused him to need to get away. "I'm not used to hugging someone that wants me the same way I want them."

"I want you," Adam confirmed, accent still thick, but no longer so thick that he was choking on it.

He kept hold of Alec's hand, but his head stayed down and his eyes stayed averted. His breath hitched twice, unsteady, and then he regained control of himself and shuttered the vulnerability behind his usual facade of practicality.

Tugging lightly at Alec's hand, Adam led him back out of the room and down the stairs. "We should get to class." His accent lingered on, brought to the forefront by Adam's vulnerability and defensiveness.

As they emerged from the building, Adam paused on the front steps and turned to Alec, leaning in to give him a quick kiss on the lips in full view of the entire university.

The reassurance helped Alec push aside the last, lingering doubts Alec had. He knew they were foolish. Whatever had caused Adam to need space wasn't his fault. He'd done everything Adam asked and stopped as soon as he seemed uncomfortable. If he had done something, Adam would have told him in detail what mistakes Alec had made, but having Adam say that he still wanted to try was important. It eased the knot that had been trying to form in his chest that was too similar to the one that had always crushed him whenever Jace had said he loved Alec like a brother.

Waiting for Adam to compose himself, he brushed his thumb along the edge of Adam's hand. Ignoring the brief twinge of disappointment over the announcement that they were going to class, Alec reminded himself that he'd told Adam that they should go. He shouldn't wish that they could have an afternoon free of responsibilities.

And he should not be distracted by Adam's accent. It was different than what he was used to, but he liked the sound of it. Adam probably wouldn't like that since it seemed to be more pronounced when he was upset. "Yeah, we should."

Blinking at the change in light, he was almost caught off guard when Adam kissed him. Making a surprised sound, he grinned when Adam pulled away. "No more 'no kissing in public' rule?"

"I just didn't want our first kiss to be in public," Adam said, smiling at the sight of Alec's grin. He liked it a lot that his kisses were worth that. It made him feel light and whole to know that he could make Alec happy, and that he could kiss him anytime he wanted. "I'll be careful when we're at the Institute. The rest of the time, I want everyone to know you're my boyfriend."

He stayed close to Alec, watching his eyes with a trusting smile. He didn't touch aside from keeping their hands clasped, but he didn't want to move out of Alec's space, either.

Making a thoughtful sound, he bit his lower lip, trying not to tease Adam too much about the change in the rules that Alec knew he'd be taking advantage of. "So fourth - fifth? - kisses can have an audience." He'd lost count after the second kiss but he was sure that there'd been at least three.

He would have continued teasing Adam about the new rules when he realized what Adam had said. Boyfriend. Not fake boyfriend. Real boyfriend. Alec started to ask, then stopped himself. The smile that Adam gave him answered whatever unnecessary question he would have thought up. "I don't think we have to hide for long at the Institute. I want everyone there to know you're my boyfriend. Maybe a week or two? My parents should accept it by then." If they hadn't, they'd have to learn to deal with seeing their son happy with his new boyfriend.

Adam grinned wider at that, curling his hands around Alec's neck and kissing him again, warm and affectionate. He'd expected months to go by before Alec determined that they could be a couple in the eyes of the Institute. A week or two was completely manageable.

The confirmation that they were boyfriends made his heart thrill, and it was difficult to resist kissing Alec again. But he'd missed one class for the day, and wasn't willing to miss more. "Come on," he said, tugging at Alec's hand. The sooner they got to his next class, the sooner it would be over and they could head back to Alec's room to make out.

Returning the kiss, he was relieved that he'd said the right thing...and that none of his siblings could see him completely ignoring his duty in favor of kissing his boyfriend. He'd have to tell Izzy later. She'd probably be angry that he didn't text her right now but he wanted to enjoy being with Adam without having his phone constantly buzzing with her questions.

Walking beside Adam, he watched the other beings around them. None of them seemed too interested in them. No danger and no one seeming to think it was odd that they were holding hands. That was something Alec would have to get used to. When they got to the class, no one seemed to think it was strange that Adam's boyfriend was there again.

Alec mostly tuned out the lecture, keeping an eye on exits and windows, not really expecting anyone to attack them in the middle of class. He was more cautious when they headed home, slipping into his role as guard until they were inside the Institute and outside Adam's door. "Do you need to study since we skipped a class?"

They stopped holding hands as they neared the Institute, and Adam's hand felt cold the rest of the way. He tried not to look at Alec, worried that the longing or joy would show on his face at the sight of his boyfriend.

He couldn't help smiling when Alec asked him a question and he looked up into Alec's handsome face. "Probably. Wouldn't mind company, though."

Glancing past Alec down the hall, Adam retreated into his room, staying close to Alec and waiting only just until the door closed before grabbing the front of Alec's shirt and kissing him.

Even though he knew that they had to keep some distance while they were in the public rooms of the Institute, Alec still didn't want to let go of Adam's hand. He kept telling himself that soon they wouldn't have to hide. Once the Clave had calmed down and his parents calmed down from their post-wedding tirades, Alec could quit hiding that aspect of his life.

Alec hadn't really expected Adam to invite him into his room. He knew how important college was to Adam and he needed to stay on top of his assignments. He remembered how Izzy had struggled with that while earning her degree. He thought that it'd be the same with Adam.

Getting pulled into a kiss wasn't the type of 'studying' Alec expected but he probably should have. Returning the kiss, he caught Adam's hands, touching since he did have permission, but waiting to see what exactly Adam was comfortable with now.

Adam wove their fingers together, squeezing Alec's hands and breaking the kiss with a smile. He studied Alec's eyes for a moment, then guided his hands to Adam's waist, wanting more of his touch. "Can you get distracted now that we're safe in here?" he asked, careful to keep his voice quiet because he didn't know how soundproof the walls were.

Cheeks pink and smile irrepressible, Adam stepped close enough that their chests brushed. Breath hitching as he leaned in, Adam pressed a soft kiss to Alec's throat.

Catching his breath after the kiss, he went still when Adam began watching him, knowing that some kind of decision was being made. Alec wasn't sure what exactly it was, but he knew that it was something Adam needed to figure out. When Adam settled his hands on his waist, Alec still wasn't sure of what the decision was, still thinking of what Adam had said about gentleness. Arching an eyebrow when he realized that this was a variation of the position they'd been in when they'd ended up fighting, he kept the contact light, rubbing his thumbs over Adam's shirt. Enough that Adam would feel the motion but not enough that he might get overwhelmed by Alec being too close.

"I can get distracted here." His good intentions began to slip away when somehow Adam found a spot that should not have been sensitive since Alec had a rune there. Letting out an embarrassing whimper, his hands moved from Adam's waist to his back. They almost slid lower but he remembered that he didn't have permission for that. "I am distracted."

Adam's smile blossomed into a huge grin at the sound of Alec's little whimper. "What was that?" he teased, brushing his nose along the underside of Alec's jaw and pressing another pair of kisses down the side of his neck.

Alec's hands slid around to Adam's back and Adam relaxed into his arms, pressing closer and resting one hand on Alec's side and the other along the side of Alec's throat that wasn't being subjected to light, sweet, teasing kisses.

Alec wasn't sure what that had been. Kissing his neck shouldn't have caused that kind of response. His runes weren't sensitive. If they were, they'd be dangerous instead of helpful. Maybe it was because of who was kissing him that he had to fight back a shiver when Adam focused on the deflect rune again. "You're - uh - distracting."

The next round of kisses caused him to stumble back a step, bumping into the door. Automatically, he tightened his arms around Adam, blushing hotly when he realized he'd tripped over his own feet because he was being kissed. Biting his lip, he barely managed not to whimper again. "Really distracting."

Adam gasped as Alec pulled back suddenly, but then he was pulled forward with him as Alec's arms tightened, and Adam laughed, sweet and happy, glad to be able to be playful with his boyfriend. "I like being distracting," he murmured against Alec's lips, resisting kissing him as long as he could bear. "I like the way you touch me."

Kissing Alec warmly, Adam pressed forward, chest to chest as he lost himself in the kiss. He felt wonderfully safe and wanted with Alec's arms tight around him, and he grinned happily when the kiss broke. "Touch me," he asked, invitation and plea all wound together, eager just to have Alec's hands on his body.

Mentally cringing, he waited for Adam to laugh at him for his complete lack of grace, but when his boyfriend did laugh, it wasn’t insulting. It was a bright sound that was almost as distracting as Adam’s kisses. It briefly made his chest ache from wanting to hear it again. He thought that he should say something, tell Adam that he liked being distracted, liked hearing him laugh, but he forgot what he was about to say when Adam pressed his lips to his.

Returning the kiss, the ache in his chest turned to something sweeter when he realized that Adam wanted him to hold him. After Adam’s confession earlier, Alec hadn’t been sure if they’d do this again so soon. Or that Adam would look so happy to kiss him or to have Alec touch him.

When Adam pulled away, he almost leaned in for another kiss before realizing what his boyfriend had said. Technically, he hadn't really touched Adam. Not in the ways that Alec assumed boyfriends were supposed to touch. He thought that was what Adam meant, but he wasn't sure.

It probably would ruin the mood, but he'd rather have a moment of awkwardness now then hurt Adam because he'd accidentally made him uncomfortable. “Where do you want me to touch you?” he asked, letting his fingers move lightly along Adam’s back, wanting Adam to know that he did want to touch him. “I don’t want to mess things up again.”

"I don't know," Adam said, honest, and trusting Alec with the admission that he didn't know something, which was a rare and difficult thing for Adam in most situations. "I don't know what I like or what I'm comfortable with."

His lips parted and his eyelashes fluttered as Alec's fingers shifted against his back, making his limbs feel heavy and loose. "That feels nice," he murmured. "You didn't mess things up. As soon as I felt overwhelmed, you gave me space. I trust you. If I get overwhelmed, I know you'll stop."

Feeling at a loss because he couldn't give Alec better direction regarding what he wanted, he tried things the other way around. "Where do you want me to touch you?"

"It's okay not to know. I don't know what I like either." Alec thought he might have an idea of what his own boundaries might be but he couldn't find the words for them yet. He doubted they'd cross any of those lines when they'd just started calling each other boyfriends, but if something made him uncomfortable, he knew he could tell Adam without it hurting their attempt at dating.

He felt an unexpected rush of pride and happiness when he saw how much Adam liked something that Alec had thought would be disappointing. He absentmindedly drew a incomplete rune along Adam's back, the motion curving along his side before moving upward again.

"I didn't think I messed up then." Leaning in, he gave Adam a quick kiss. "But I wanted to be sure I didn't accidentally do something that hurt you." If Adam wasn't used to people treating him with kindness, then Alec might have unintentionally hit an emotional sore spot.

Laughing softly, he tried not to blush too much as he thought of his tumble into the door. "I like it when you kiss and touch my neck, but if you keep doing that, I'm probably going to end up on the floor." That wasn't quite an answer, but it was true. "I've liked everything we've done so far. I'm not really sure... I think where we like to be touched is something we figure out together."

"I agree," Adam said, melting more against him as Alec kept touching him, letting Alec hold up his weight as he leaned against Alec's chest. "And I understand there are these things called 'beds' so that you don't have to end up on the floor when your boyfriend kisses your neck."

Sliding one hand down to Alec's side, Adam slipped a few fingers under the hem of his shirt, teasing lightly at the skin just above his waistband. Alec was so warm and solid against his chest, and Adam wanted to touch and be touched for hours. Homework could wait. Adam's need for contact and affection had been put off much, much longer, and it swelled in him, blanking his mind of everything but that need.

"You're the one who ambushed me as soon as I walked through the door." One rune turned to another, drawn over Adam's shoulder and along his spine. He never completed any of them, afraid of what might happen even if he didn't use a stele to draw the runes. "I've heard of beds but the one in here isn't mine. It'd be rude to collapse onto it even if it'd be your fault."

Breath hitching, he went still for a moment as Adam's fingers brushed over bare skin. For years Alec had tried to avoid physical contact with anyone that might make his secrets obvious. Realizing that he'd tensed beneath Adam's hands, he brushed a kiss along his boyfriend's jaw. "I never thought I could have this." Closing his eyes, he continued tracing patterns along Adam's back and sides, trying to ignore how his heart had started to race. Not because of fear but because he could have Adam so close instead of pushing him away. "Almost doesn't seem real."

"It wouldn't be rude if you're invited," Adam pointed out, shivering and writhing slightly as Alec's fingers found sensitive spots in the patterns he was drawing on Adam's back.

He made a tiny sound of pleasure as Alec kissed his throat, blushing and gripping Alec a little tighter. "I want you in my bed," Adam said, making the effort to express his desires clearly despite the spikes of terror that Alec wouldn't want to be in Adam's bed.

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