marlowemuses | The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

There had bee no other options. Someone had to guard the relics the Angel had given them. The Cup and Sword were too powerful to be left in mortal hands even those that had been blessed by the Angel. That power was too tempting no matter how noble Nephilim might be. There would always be someone, some group of someones, who would be seduced by the possibilities that those gifts represented.

Even centuries after the decision had been made, Alec wasn't sure why he had been chosen for this particular duty. His parabatai had been a better warrior. His sister was far more clever. But the Angel had chosen him. Perhaps because he was better able to accept the isolation of his divine task. His siblings would have been driven mad by loneliness after the first few decades.

There were times when Alec wondered if he would eventually succumb to insanity, but he had the books that he eventually became guardian of and the cats that somehow crept between worlds to keep him company. They weren't exactly cats, of course. They were built more like predators than pets, eyes glowing with flames instead of the usual nocturnal glow. No matter how frightening they looked, they were Alec's friends and they helped Alec protect the items the Angel had left in his care.

It was the cats that warned him that something was wrong at the gates. The largest of them howled a warning, hissing as she faced the gate. The rest of the pride ran to her as Alec sprinted for the gates. Something - Someone - was attacking. He felt the temple shiver its warning through him and he knew that no matter how impossible it seemed, someone had crossed the threshold between worlds.

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“Good,” Adam snapped, ill-tempered but relieved. “I didn’t want you hurt, but I share her opinion that you’re a fucking asshole.”

Reassured that Persephone hadn’t hurt Alec because of him, Adam continued on his trajectory out the door, planning to find the quickest way out of the temple that he could manage. Alec thought he was as worthless as everyone else did. Adam was a fool to have hoped otherwise.

"I'm a - " Digging his nails into the cuts, he tried to focus on that pain instead of the anger that was starting to break through his self control. For once that tactic didn't work and his temper worked its way free. "You're the one that treats me like I'm less than the decorations in the temple. You're the one who talks about cooperation and unions and then dismisses me whenever I try to have a conversation with you."

Taking a deep breath, he kept his gaze away from Adam, ignoring the wistful pang that the sight of so many new, real things that the temple had given Adam. Even when he first arrived, he hadn't been treated that way.

None of that mattered. The priestess was dismissing him. He'd warned Adam that he was just the guard cat. Alec shouldn't have believed the hints of friendship. Loneliness had clouded his reason.

Forcing his attention to a spot beyond Adam's shoulder, he locked his hands behind his back, taking up the old pose he'd used while still a mortal. The one that he'd used whenever Maryse had given her lectures. "I'll make sure that you never see me during your visits. If you need anything, the temple or Persephone will be able to help you."

Adam stopped on the threshold of the room, glaring back at him with rage. “You asked me for information about myself, and when I offered it, you treated it like trash.” It had been the best Adam had to offer, the only things that made it seem like he had value.

“Don’t worry,” he said, cold and bitter with pain, voice sharp and with very little of the soft syrup of his accent. “I’m not coming back.”

Adam stepped through the door. Alec would have to chase him.

"All you told me is that you go to school. I learned more about you the day we were in the library and when we were in the garden." He'd thought he'd learned something about Adam. He'd given him a caterpillar and worried about something most people would see as a nuisance would survive going through the gate. Alec had thought that Adam was someone who would be kind, but that thoughtfulness didn't seem to extend to him once he had the temple had shown that it welcomed the priestess.

Alec knew that it was his duty to apologize and beg Adam to stay but he couldn't get the words past the lump in his throat. It hurt too much to keep trying and having the distance between them become more obvious. The temple wanted Adam here, not Alec. The cats preferred Adam. He wasn't sure what the Angel would do when Adam didn't return, but he doubted that he'd be punished too harshly. If he was, then someone else would have to replace him.

Slowly he stood, walking out the door and watching Adam as he stormed away. The cats hissed at Alec again and he shook his head. Even Emily was leaving with Adam. Heading back toward the gardens, he frowned when the door refused to open. All the doors refused to open except the ones that would lead to the gate.

When Adam reached the gate, it was closed. He'd never seen it closed before, since it had always been open. A standing invitation.

His cheeks flamed at the sight of it, and he tried the knob even though he already knew. The temple would not let him leave while it knew he wouldn't return. Adam knew that he would, probably, after a few weeks to cool his temper, or when the ley line and the temple insisted strongly enough. But being forbidden to leave enraged him.

He shouted threats at the door for a minute, fingers sparkling with power as he tried to tear it open, willing to tear a hole in reality to do so, but Adam's magic was weak without the ley line to back it, and he didn't have enough magic of his own to combat the power of an angel, especially when he knew so little about controlling his power.

When Alec appeared, along with most of the pack of cats, Adam whirled on him. There was a darkness in his eyes, all that power and fury making him seem inhuman, and his rage crackled in the air around him in little sparks.

"I brought you gifts," Adam snapped. He didn't think that Alec had anything to do with trapping him here, and thought that Alec probably wanted to be rid of him as quickly as possible. "I spent time and effort to please you, and then you say I think of you as less than the decor? I didn't bring gifts to the cats, though they've been more civil to me than you have. I tried to please you."

Someone was using magic near the temple. He had the feeling that it might be Adam but he'd said that he didn't know how to use his power. Conjuring one of his blades, Alec jogged toward the gate, hoping that it was Adam and not someone trying to force their way into the temple.

He slowed when he saw Adam struggling with the gate, power sparking from his hands. Freezing when Adam turned toward him, he felt a shiver run down his spine before he forced aside his apprehension. He'd fought demons before he'd been brought to the temple. The world had been filled with horrors that most people thought only belonged in storybooks. He wouldn't allow himself to back away from a human who was having a magical tantrum.

"You brought me gifts, but as soon as you saw the temple, I was nothing." Alec knew that he should keep his temper. If Adam ended up attacking, he needed to be the one who remained calm. He couldn't hurt Adam even if he seemed ready to turn his magic on him. Alec could survive whatever wounds that Adam inflicted. Adam wasn't as resilient as he could be.

"What did I do that was so uncivilized? I told you about my past and what I am, just as you requested. You told me nothing about yourself. I tried to show you the temple, but you were interested in the library. When you sat down to eat, you acted like you though I'd hurt you. So I stayed away. I tried to please you." And obviously failed. Shaking his head, he dismissed the sword, holding his hands out wide so that Adam didn't think he was about to attack. "I can try to force open the gate. Would that please you?"

"I brought you gifts after I saw the temple, after you granted me passage, for no other reason than I wanted to please you."

The sharp, dark expression remained in Adam's eyes, but the air around him eased when Alec dismissed his weapon and offered to force the gate for him. The offer intrigued him, because it meant Alec trying to defy the temple itself in order to please Adam, and that was a risk that made Adam feel like he mattered.

"Yes," he said, eyes locked on Alec. He stepped to one side to grant Alec passage to the gate. "Force open the gate. If you'll do it for me."

Alec noticed that Adam hadn't specified how he could have been more civil. He hadn't denied that Alec had tried. His efforts hadn't been enough and now he had to act like a servant to please Adam.

Walking past the priestess, he kept his eyes averted, trying not to think about what he was about to do. He'd never tried to leave or even thought of trying to get close to the gates. The powers that protected this reality might not like the guardian ordering the gates to open when he was supposed to stay within the grounds. This might not end well, but this was now his duty.

Standing in front of them, he called all the power that he had been given to protect the temple and focused it on the gate. "The priestess wants to leave."

As Alec expected, the gates didn't budge. The priestess had told him to force open the gates so that might be the only way to open them. The cats milled around, obviously picking up on his unease. Alec wasn't sure what would happen if he touched the gate.

But he'd been given an order. He had to follow it. Wrapping his hands around two of the bars, he ignored the energy he felt humming beneath his palms. He'd be all right as long as he didn't try to leave.

It wasn't until he tried to push them open that the hum turned to something more unpleasant. The more he attempted to force the doors open, the stronger it became. The hum turning to something sharper, like hooks sinking into his flesh. The sword had the same power, but it'd never been this intense when he'd touched that relic. Biting his lip to remain silent as pain worsened, he kept pushing against the force keeping the them closed until his hands slipped and he almost stumbled into the gates.

Taking an unsteady breath, Alec backed away from the gate, and then fell into the old soldier posture that had always been safe when he had been criticized. Keeping his hands behind him, he waited for Adam to decide if his effort had been good enough.

Adam watched in silence, feeling sick as it started to look as though Alec was in pain. Alec really was trapped here, and this place was hurting him for defying it. That made Adam want to tear it open all the more, to break those chains.

"What did you think?" Adam asked, anger fading and leaving behind fractures. "That I was keeping back some wonders of my life beyond the gates? You know everything about me that's worth anything. All that's left to tell is just a hundred different words for worthless."

And now this place was going to steal even that from him. If he couldn't leave, he'd lose his job and his shitty apartment, then another job, then his scholarship...

"Why should I tell you anything more, when you think the few things I value are worthless?"

Adam sank to the ground near the doors, crossing his legs and staring at the floor. He'd wait. He'd starve, if he had to. He didn't think the temple would risk letting him die.

"Did you ever think that your life is a wonder to someone who lives in a cage?" His voice only cracked slightly as he spoke. His hands throbbed hotly as he carefully kept them where Adam couldn't see. He thought he felt something wet sliding from his palms but the damage wouldn't be permanent. The guardian had to be kept whole no matter what happened. "Every day you see things that I only dream of. How can you be worthless when you're free?"

He wanted to relax. Maybe sit beside Adam but he knew that he wouldn't be able to hide his injuries if he did. And, technically, he had been given orders by the priestess that he'd failed to complete. Sitting idle didn't seem appropriate after that. "If they matter so much to you, why did you hate telling me anything about them? I wanted to ask you so many questions but you barely spoke to me. So I didn't."

"My life isn't some entertainment for you to paw over," Adam snapped, curling into himself more with every word that Alec spoke. He hunched over, arms on his knees and head tucked, trying to curl into a ball and hide, or just to make himself small enough to disappear. "I was willing to give you what I could from the outside world. I'm not willing to give of myself to someone who will scorn me."

Persephone came over and rubbed her head against Adam's elbow. He uncurled very slightly, letting her onto his lap and winding his arms lightly around her. "I want out of here," he mumbled, mostly to her. She headbutted him, then hopped out of his arms, looking back at him like she expected him to follow.

Regarding Alec warily, Adam got to his feet.

"No, it's not." It might have been wrong to ask about Adam's life because he craved any scrap of information about the mortal world, but that hadn't been exactly what Adam had said. "You asked if there were wonders in your life and there are." Closing his eyes, he tried focus on something other than how weary he was and the pain from his hands. "At least to someone who can never be part of that life."

That was where Alec had made his mistake. Adam had said that they could be partners while working together and he had known that couldn't be true. He'd thought that at least indirectly he could be part of Adam's life. He'd let hope cloud his reasoning. He was a resource, a weapon, nothing more.

He knew that nothing he could say would make Adam believe him or want to befriend him. Everything he did was treated as hatred. He'd followed Adam's orders and it still wasn't enough. Adam had watched him get hurt and it hadn't been good enough for the priestess. But he'd followed the order so that meant he could try something else.

Turning away from the priestess, he stood in front of the gate. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself not to look at his hands. He'd tend to that later after the priestess was gone. The feeling of hooks dug in deeper this time. He kept his hands loosely curled around the metal, whispering a plea to the Angel to open the gate and allow the priestess to leave. He repeated the request over and over until he felt almost dizzy, closing his eyes when the view outside the gates started turning to strange things that always reminded him that this was a realm of magic.

Eventually, he felt something shift, his hands burning in warning. Backpedaling away from the gate before he accidentally crossed into the lands beyond the gate, he kept moving until he was safely off the path leading out of the garden. Now Adam could leave and hopefully Alec wouldn't be visited by a priestess for another few centuries.

Adam didn't initially realize what was happening, because he didn't imagine that Alec would try again after failing the first time, and his attention was still on Persephone in hopes that she might lead him out through whatever path the cats used to come and go. But when Persephone's attention moved toward the gate again, Adam's did too, and he frowned as he realized what Alec was doing.

"Don't, it'll hurt you," Adam argued, not willing to let Alec batter himself against the gate uselessly. He reached out to stop him, laying a hand on Alec's upper arm, but then the gates released and Alec scrambled backward.

Adam stared at the gate, open and glowing, and he could see his car through the trees on the other side. But he saw also that there was blood on the door handles, and he turned back to look at Alec, disturbed and concerned. "Why would you pay in blood for me?" he asked, brow furrowed because the cost was so high and Alec had given it to him and defied his duty just because Adam asked.

It had already hurt him and it hadn't been enough. Alec wanted to say those words aloud or something worse but instead he kept moving away, giving Adam a clear way through the gate. Part of him wanted to look through the opening and see if he could glimpse part of the mortal world, but he wasn't sure if he'd be punished for that. For now it was best if he stayed as far from the gate as possible. Once Adam left, he'd go to the orchards, the farthest area from the temple and the path so that the magic wouldn't react as if he was trying to leave.

"You told me to do it." That should be answer enough. Adam had said the words. He'd watched Alec try to open the gate. Alec didn't have to try a second time, but Adam wanted to leave so what choice did he have? "You wanted to leave and now you can." Looking down, he focused on one of the flowers that lined the path that he'd accidentally trampled. "You should go before it closes again."

Adam nodded. He couldn't risk the door closing again, especially not now that blood had been paid to open it for him. Whatever had compelled Alec to pay that price, Adam wouldn't let it go to waste. "Thank you," he murmured, and slipped through the door.

-

He stayed well away from the ley line for a few days after that, skittish about being trapped, but he thought about the guardian and the blood on the door. It still bothered him that Alec had been willing to pay that price for him when they had been so angry and harsh to each other. Alec had said he liked Adam, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Persephone came to visit him, though Adam insisted to her that he wasn’t going back and didn’t care. But after a few days, her insistence became more urgent, combined with dramatic collapses and sprawls.

Persuaded that Alec was badly ill, Adam finally softened and went to the ley line, deeply skittish as he crossed the threshold. He didn’t trust any of this, but he couldn’t let Alec die for him.

Edited 2019-01-26 00:18 (UTC)

"You're welcome." He could at least be polite now that Adam was leaving. Maybe it'd be a few more centuries before someone else found him. Maybe it would be better if no one found the temple again.

~

After Adam left, Alec went to the orchards and sat beneath one of the trees. He knew that he should tend his wounds no matter how painful they were or terrible they looked, but he couldn't force himself to go back into the temple. He'd heal eventually. Whenever he'd been hurt before, he'd healed no matter how bad the injury had been. Even the ones that had been caused by foolish recklessness or a lack of self-preservation.

But this was different. The wounds didn't seem to want to heal. Even after he tended the injuries, nothing about the wounds seemed normal. Alec struggled with his daily tasks, usually giving up by mid morning and returning to the orchards. He tried not to think about Angelic punishments or what might happen if he ventured too close to the gate again.

The sensation of someone crossing into his territory slowly pulled Alec from the orchards. Cursing under his breath, he left his hiding spot to check the perimeter. He wasn't sure how he could defend the temple when his hands barely cooperated but he'd think of something. When he caught sight of Adam and Persephone, he almost retreated to the gardens. "You - " Alec winced when he heard how ragged his voice sounded. When had he last spoken? "You said you weren't coming back."

Adam also winced at the sound of Alec’s voice, but with Adam it was a flinch as he expected to be hit.

“Persephone said you were dying,” he explained. Persephone chirruped helpfully. “You don’t look dying.” Aside from his hands, which were worrisome. Adam didn’t know much about medicine, but he didn’t think that would be needed. “He’s not dying,” he told Persephone, who rolled over and stretched.

Alec turned his attention toward Persephone. His - or Adam's - cat seemed smug over her deception, rolling around like she'd figured out the best game. "Would it matter if I was?" he asked, too tired to put any force behind the words. He hadn't been able to sleep since he'd tried to open the gate. Either the pain or nightmares kept him awake until he'd given up on even trying to rest, pacing until his mind was numb and he was too exhausted to move.

"I didn't know she could talk." Adam probably hadn't meant that literally but considering how the temple and cats liked him, it wouldn't surprise Alec if they did talk to the priestess. "I haven't seen the cats since you left."

“She can’t. It was pantomime.” Adam watched Alec, recognizing the exhaustion and weakness. Either Alec had been hurt worse than Adam realized, or he was just being a moron. Adam suspected it was mostly the latter. “I wasn’t going to let you die for me.”

Studying Alec for a minute longer, Adam sighed. He was going to have to do something about this. He couldn’t simply leave Alec in this state, not when the temple seemed to see Alec as his responsibility. “The cats are avoiding you because I’m angry at you. What’s wrong with your hands?” He held out his own hands, cupped so that Alec could place his into Adam’s.

"They're good at that. Sometimes I think they try to put on shows for me to cheer me up." Not since Adam had left, of course. They'd chosen to keep the priestess company instead of him. He should be angry over that but he was too tired to feel that kind of emotion.

Alec wasn't sure how to answer Adam's comment about dying. There didn't seem to be a right thing to say. The temple needed a guardian so Alec doubted that he'd actually die, but he could be in pain for a long time. Instead of answering, he carefully lifted his hand and placing it on Adam's. The wounds were ugly. Blisters and burns along the palms with deep cuts where his fingers had wrapped around the metal. He tried to flex his fingers, but they barely moved. That scared him more than the burns or the bleeding.

"They won't heal. No matter what happened to me before, I healed. Even when I fell off the temple roof and when I - " Adam didn't want to know about that. No matter how easily his thoughts strayed from lack of sleep, he knew not to tell Adam about that time. "When I was hurt worse than that, I healed. There's been a few times when I didn't think they'd stop bleeding." He almost mentioned that his fingers didn't move when he wanted them to but Alec wasn't sure if he could voice that fear yet.

"I think it's the temple's way of trying to get you to understand," Adam said, though he still wasn't sure of his theory. He curled his hands gently around Alec's, cradling it.

The ley line's power ran through the temple like conduits. It fed from the ley line, but the ley line didn't seem to mind. It felt fond. Affectionate. Maybe even infatuated. Adam reached for that power and poured it into Alec, focusing on his hands.

He'd never used the ley line to heal before, and didn't know if it would work. Even if it worked on Alec, Adam didn't know if it would work on anyone else.

"You keep making these shitty comments," Adam said, as the warm energy pooled in his hands, slowly beginning to knit the cuts together. "About how you think I see you as furniture or a servant, or an obstruction. Like I'm going to take this place away from you. Is that it? You still don't get it." Adam was only just starting to get it, and he wasn't completely sure that he had the right idea. "I'm here for you. I'm pretty sure that if the temple could truss me up in a gauzy loincloth and a bow, it would."

Alec tried to fight back a shiver when Adam touched his hand. He expected the pain to intensify the way it had every time he'd moved or for Adam to accidentally jar the injury and cause it to become worse. His eyes widened when he felt something warm wash over the abused skin and into the cuts. Biting his lip, he tried to keep still but his fingers twitched, curling toward his palms more than they had since he'd been injured.

"That's how I felt. Like I was your servant or less than that." The warmth was easing the ache, making his thoughts hazy so it was easier to explain what had happened instead of snapping at Adam. "I told you I didn't know how to be around people. I tried, but you kept distancing yourself from me" That sounded sad and pathetic, but as his hands finally started feeling like they might eventually work again, he didn't care if Adam thought he was weak for letting the loneliness get the better of him. "You acted like you thought I'd hurt you."

Gently flexing his hands, he couldn't hide his relief when his fingers curled the way he wanted them too. He was so focused on watching the cuts fade that it took a moment for Alec to realize what Adam had said. "It wouldn't do that! Even if it could, it wouldn't. You're not. That's not. I'd like. But you wouldn't." Healing him didn't mean Adam liked him. Even if he did like Alec, Adam wasn't gay.

Adam smiled a tiny, fleeting smile at the way Alec fell apart into babbling at his suggestion, but the smile faded almost as quickly as it had come. "I wouldn't like being treated like a gift or a possession. I think I'd like dating a guy. But not if he treated me like shit."

Adam released Alec's hand and reached for the other one, starting to heal it the same way. He kept his eyes on Alec's hand because it was safer and easier than looking at his face. Adam didn't want to see Alec's feelings. "I do think you'll hurt me. I'm afraid you'll hit me, if I don't behave the way the temple thinks I should. I'm afraid that if I give you anything of myself, you'll scorn it like you did before, and make me feel worthless. I have plenty of people to make me feel worthless. I don't need another one."

"Dating? Courting?" How did they suddenly start discussing that subject? Adam disliked him. He thought he was a terrible person. Why would he want to court him?

Automatically he let Adam take his other hand, carefully keeping it still while the priestess worked. "I was not chosen because I like to harm others. When you arrived, I didn't want to hurt you, but I was afraid I'd have to. I hunted monsters before I arrived here, but I never intentionally hurt anyone."

Letting out a sigh, he shivered when a nerve jumped in his hand. He knew it was a good sign that it was still functional, but he knew that he shouldn't move. "Sorry. It was uncontrolled." There was probably another word for it but Alec couldn't think which would be correct. "I would never beat someone. Do you really think an Angel would choose someone who would treat others in such a way? My brother was - " He shook his head, realizing he'd almost gave Jace's secrets away. His best friend might be dead but he deserved better than that. "Even if I could be that cruel, what happened to him would keep me from treating another like that.

"I didn't scorn what you told me. I was hurt that you wouldn't tell me more. You offer me scraps then refuse to tell me anything more. I don't know what Virginia is like or if anyone else sounds the way you do." He liked Adam's accent but that would probably make him angry. "I don't know anything about your schools or the strange shoes in the magazine you gave me." He wasn't making any sense. Maybe if he had a few hours of sleep, he could explain it properly. "Only someone worthy could find the temple. If you weren't important, meant to be here, you wouldn't have ever seen the gate."

"You meant you'd like me in a gauzy loincloth and bow not in a dating sense?" Adam asked, wryly, with just a hint of teasing.

He kept healing Alec's hand, surprised by how easy it was. The temple was doing the work, he suspected. All Adam had to do was try, and care. "It cost me in time and effort and pride to offer you those scraps. You tell me they're not good enough and demand more. I don't have the time and effort to spare, and I've taken enough damage to my pride from you. I get that you're starved for it, and maybe the temple should have had the damn sense to give you a bridge that had more to offer, but I don't. If you can try to help me be your bridge instead of constantly demanding that I give you more and implying that I'm here to take everything from you, then maybe we wouldn't end up in these situations."

Adam gave him a defensive glare, then returned his eyes to his work. "Can you try to wrap your skull around the idea that I am not your replacement? I am your temple's gift to you. I can't afford a fucking bow."

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