marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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"I want our first kiss to be private," Adam said, smiling and ducking his head with shy pleasure at the kiss to his jaw. "After that, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay with being kissed anywhere that you feel comfortable kissing me."

He took Alec's hand again, winding their fingers together and gliding his thumb along Alec's like an affectionate version of a thumb war. "I've never danced at all. I don't mind if you lead. I think that would go off better if we try any fancy lifts or dips." His grin turned a little bit playful at that, teasing, but also genuinely tempted by the idea of being dipped by Alec.

"I wasn't planning for my second kiss to be in front of a crowd." He didn't regret that his first kiss had been. In a way, he was proud of what he'd done. He would have preferred that moment to have been something shared privately, but there was no way that Alec could hide from his decision. He couldn't deny the truth and neither could anyone else. His parents couldn't try to hide it or try to convince him that it was just a phase. "I don't think we should be too obvious at the Institute. At least not until my parents have accepted everything."

For a few seconds, he watched Adam rub his hand, then caught his thumb before letting go. It was a silly thing to do, especially when he couldn't stop smiling as they sat in the sun, doing something that was so normal but had seemed impossible for years. "I can lead and eventually we could try those lifts eventually. If you want to. I know how to do them and the dips. Izzy wanted to learn so Jace and I had to learn with her."

"I'll be careful not to initiate anything at the institute unless we're in private," Adam promised, smiling as they played with each other's hands. It felt so freeing to have someone who liked his company and who wanted to exchange touch with him. "Can we kiss tonight, when we get back? Is that too early?"

Adam swallowed nervously after he'd asked it. He'd dated Blue for much longer than he'd known Alec, but with her it had always been too soon to kiss or to do anything else together. Adam felt guilty just asking for a kiss.

"Thank you." He didn't want to ruin this by having his parents or anyone else at the Institute commenting on what was going on between them. He'd already started noticing the hostility that some of the Shadowhunters felt. Alec had known it would happen and he refused to let it change who he was or who he wanted to be with, but he didn't want that extra pressure on both of them as they tried to figure out what dating meant to them.

"Uh - we can, but I think it'd be awkward if we plan it." Kissing seemed to be something that should be impulsive. As soon as he said it, he assumed that Adam would take it the wrong way. "I want to. I just don't want either one of us to think we have to even if it's not the right time." Was he making things worse? It seemed like he was. "I wanted to kiss you when we were reading together, but I thought it was too soon."

"It doesn't have to be a for-sure plan," Adam said, a little disappointed by the way Alec dodged the request. "But I think we need to be better communicating our desires and expectations. I wanted to kiss you last night, you thought I wanted more, and it all went awry. I don't want to go back to your room thinking it might be okay to try for a kiss if you think we should wait until after we've had a formal date."

He increasingly wanted to kiss Alec here and now, to take the impulse before he started overthinking everything and building up expectations around it. The combination of nerves and desire was more than he knew what to deal with, so he just looked at Alec's hand instead, playing nervously with his fingers.

Alec almost began to argue about their miscommunication but he knew that would start another fight. "Why would I think we have to have a date? My first attempt at kissing wasn't traditional." Sighing, he rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. "Until a few weeks ago, everything in my life was planned. I don't want kissing you to be on a schedule. If I want to kiss you, I want to be able to... If you want me to kiss you." He didn't want to sound too demanding or like he'd do something questionable like the guys that Izzy occasionally beat up in clubs.

"I'd kiss you now if I could." But he couldn't. Adam didn't want their first kiss to be in the middle of a college campus and Alec should be paying more attention to their surroundings. "It'll take time for me to figure out how to say what I want."

Adam was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how to explain when he didn't think they were actually disagreeing. He didn't know how to express the way he'd been hurt by what had happened with Blue, and what he wanted to avoid by simply agreeing when and where they would both be okay with kissing.

He wasn't sure if he'd always want to be kissed, or under what circumstances, or how to communicate that.

Alec's desire to kiss him now, however, made him smile, and gave him an idea to give Alec what he'd just said he wanted--the ability to kiss Adam when he wanted to, and he wanted to now.

"Come on," he said, getting up and taking Alec's hand. He took a moment to consider his route, and then led Alec to the nearby theater building and up two and a half flights into a quiet, out-of-the-way little reception room that was awkwardly designed, with windows set too high to see out of and uncomfortable decorative benches along one wall. The combination meant that it was hardly ever used, because it served no practical function.

Stopping to one side of the room, just out of sight from the little window set into the door, Adam turned and stepped close to Alec, blushing shyly. "How's this?"

Relationships seemed more complicated than Alec thought. He knew that they took work and that the type that he was interested in wouldn't be easy since Nephilim society hated change. But he didn't think there would be so many rules or something that had seemed as simple as a kiss would be so confusing.

Maybe he was just overthinking the situation like Izzy always complained about.

Pushing aside his worries about planning kisses, Alec stood when Adam did, scanning the area before letting Adam lead him toward a building that he didn't recognize. "I thought you said you weren't going to class..." Maybe Adam had changed his mind since a few days ago college had been more important than being safe. Looking around the building, it didn't look like the same type of classes were held here than in the others they'd attended.

As they went up the stairs, Alec tried to ignore the wariness that crept through him. He should feel safer somewhere that wasn't part of their usual routine but he disliked being somewhere new when he was obviously distracted. The feeling eased slightly when they stepped into a small room that Alec doubted many beings knew about. It was strange, not fitting the efficient design of the rest of the college. Looking up at the high windows, it reminded him of the Institute in some ways.

Slowly his attention shifted from the room and its contents to Adam. He began to smile when he noticed Adam's blush and how close they were standing. He almost asked for permission, but he reminded himself that Adam wouldn't have found a quiet, out of the way room if he wasn't ready. That didn't stop the nervousness that caught in his chest or the fear that somehow Adam would be disappointed. Last time he hadn't had time to think. Not really. Now...

Before he could talk himself out of it, he closed the small distance between them to press his lips to Adam's, hoping that he hadn't just made a fool of himself.

Adam made a soft, pleased sound of surprise when Alec kissed him. Part of him hadn't quite expected it to happen, despite Alec saying that he wanted it to happen and despite Adam making the opportunity. It was almost sudden, the way that Alec just leaned in and kissed him. Between one breath and another, Adam had his first kiss.

He leaned into it, soft and tentative as he returned the kiss. His hands slid up Alec's chest and curled around either side of his neck to hold him close, thumbs tucked just underneath Alec's jaw. As soon as the kiss broke, Adam started a new one, heart fluttering in his chest as he kissed Alec again and again.

When Adam made that sound, Alec almost pulled away, afraid that he'd unintentionally crossed a line. Adam might have found them a secluded spot to share their first kiss, but that didn't mean that he couldn't change his mind. Then he realized that the sound hadn't sounded angry and Adam would be more vocal than that if he wasn't happy with the idea of being kissed.

He wouldn't be touching him, encouraging Alec to stay close. Humming softly when Adam's fingers brushed against his neck, he accidentally broke the kiss when a shiver ran down his spine. Face warming with a blush, he began to apologize but the words were stolen away as Adam kissed him.

His nervousness and embarrassment faded turning to something that still kept his heart racing but not in the painful way that it had with Magnus. His breath still caught and he still felt a similar type of excitement, but this seemed completely different - more hopeful - than the emotions that Magnus had described the night before that kiss.

Adam noticed quickly that while his hands were on Alec and that seemed to be appreciated, and while the kiss was mutual, Alec was still careful not to touch.

Pulling back a little, Adam withdrew his hands, doubting himself and what was okay between them. He didn't go far, still wanting to lean into another kiss, but he wanted to make sure he wasn't missing something.

"It's okay to touch me," Adam said, hoping it was only the permission that Alec lacked, and not the desire. He swallowed, trying not to let his nerves overwhelm him.

As Adam moved away, Alec almost leaned in again to start another kiss. Then he realized that if Adam had broken the kiss then there was probably a reason. Slowly he opened his eyes, trying to focus on something other than how much he wanted to keep kissing Adam.

"It is?" He hadn't asked Magnus during their first few kisses, but they'd both been caught up in a significant moment that would have been ruined with questions. If either one of them had asked, Alec was sure that reality would have crushed him before he had even gotten a chance to experience a kiss.

With Adam it was different. Even if he did enjoy the little touches they'd shared, they were still boundaries that Alec knew that he needed to learn. Magnus had walked across boundaries as if they never existed, dragging Alec along with him. With Adam, he felt that he needed to hear the words, especially after their earlier miscommunications.

"I wasn't sure if you'd want..." He let the sentence trail off, smiling at Adam instead of finishing the thought. Reaching up, he cupped the right side of Adam's jaw, knowing that if he touched Adam anywhere else except to hold hands, he'd forget that he was supposed to be guarding Adam not making out with him. "But I'll have to be careful so I don't get distracted."

Adam leaned into the touch on his jaw, eyes falling half-shut with pleasure. No one had ever touched him like that, with soft affection, and he relished it, feeling his nerves settle. "Distracted how?" he asked.

Turning his head, Adam pressed a soft kiss to Alec's palm, eyes closing fully as he did so. His hands settled on Alec's chest again, reassured that it was okay to touch.

Alec couldn't remember anyone reacting to him the way Adam did. Even with the attraction between them, he'd always been at odds with Magnus. There had always been walls separating them. Until now Alec had never allowed himself to be so close to someone he liked. The nervous flutter in his chest he felt when he realized how happy Adam was because Alec was touching him was something new.

If he wasn't so caught up in how pleased Adam seemed he would have rolled his eyes at the question. Breath hitching at the kiss, he tried to ignore the warmth that spread along his hand. "Distracted by kissing and touching the hot guy that I like when I should be making sure he's safe."

“No one’s ever called me hot before,” Adam said, blushing and grinning. For once, he didn’t doubt the idea. He trusted Alec enough to believe that he meant it. And maybe, if Alec believed it, it was true. Or at least true for Alec, and having one person in the world who found him hot was enough to make Adam happy.

“Will you,” he murmured, ducking his head. He slid his hands up a little higher, curling his fingertips over Alec’s shoulders, and let his head fall forward to rest his forehead against Alec’s chest. “Just hold me for a minute,” he finished, almost inaudible.

"They haven't?" He was surprised that no one had noticed, and then he remembered what Adam had said about his father. Maybe that was why no one had told Adam that he was attractive. "They should have." Alec wasn't sure if he would have noticed Adam before the wedding and coming out, but now he couldn't imagine not noticing him.

Sliding his hand from Adam's jaw to the back of his neck, he wrapped his other arm around Adam's waist. "I'll hold you as long as you want."

Adam felt warm and safe as Alec's arms went around him, but at the same time his heart started thudding, filling with an aching vulnerability that made Adam feel desperate for more contact and yet terrified of being shoved away. The flood of emotions was more than he knew how to deal with--satisfaction, affection, joy, fear, nerves, arousal, insecurity--combined with the confusing physical and mental relaxation at being held.

Little tremors went through him, overwhelmed by sorrow and longing, and he slid his arms further up, hugging them around Alec's neck and clinging to him for a minute, soaking in the human contact.

Blue had touched him, held his hand, hugged him, even cuddled a bit, but it hadn't been like this. There had always been an impatience and a discomfort to their touches, one of them always fidgety or insecure, never quite fitting together.

Alec holding him felt like submerging into an ocean, and Adam didn't know if he'd ever be able to surface again, or if he ever wanted to.

All at once it became too much, and Adam pulled back suddenly, face red and heart pounding.

His skin felt electric with stimulation, and he felt dizzy. He wanted desperately to cling to Alec again, but he also needed a respite to deal with everything that he felt.

"Sorry," he stammered, rubbing at his hair and feeling irreparably broken. But he didn't want his damage to hurt Alec, which meant he had to offer some kind of explanation. "I'm not used to being touched gently," he said at last, accent thick as molasses. Head down and too shy to look at Alec in anything more than glances, Adam stuck out his hand tentatively, since he was pretty sure he could endure holding hands.

Alec wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to react to being able to hold Adam. For years he'd had to keep some kind of mental distance from the person he'd been infatuated with. Hugging Jace had been more painful than a comfort unless there'd been a bad mission and they both needed to know that the other was alive. He'd always had to hide his feelings, making sure that the heartache he felt wasn't obvious to his parabatai.

He didn't have to hide from Adam. He could close his eyes and be himself. No walls keeping his emotions hidden from the person he wanted to touch. Relaxing into the contact, Alec couldn't quite believe that this was allowed. It felt strange and wonderful and completely beyond what he had believed he could have. He'd never thought he could hold someone - someone he chose not someone his parents wanted him to choose - and feel his heart race. He'd never thought it'd feel comfortable and intoxicating.

Alec almost got lost in the happiness caused by that choice and having the person he liked so close when he felt Adam shiver. For a moment, he held Adam tighter, silently reminding him that he was solid and there. Then he loosened his hold enough that if Adam wanted, he could pull free.

As soon as Adam began to move, Alec step away. He kept his posture relaxed as he watched Adam, trying to figure out if the flush on the magician's face was embarrassment or something else. He didn't look angry. Alec hoped he wasn't. He didn't want their first kiss to be followed by a fight.

He almost asked why Adam was sorry, but the rest of the explanation stilled his question. His chest ached as he realized what that meant. What it implied. By the Angel... He ignored that hurt, focusing on Adam instead. Catching his hand, Alec twined his fingers between Adam's. "There's nothing to be sorry for." Pausing, he searched for the right words. There probably weren't any but he tried to find something that would help. Or at least distract Adam from what had caused him to need to get away. "I'm not used to hugging someone that wants me the same way I want them."

"I want you," Adam confirmed, accent still thick, but no longer so thick that he was choking on it.

He kept hold of Alec's hand, but his head stayed down and his eyes stayed averted. His breath hitched twice, unsteady, and then he regained control of himself and shuttered the vulnerability behind his usual facade of practicality.

Tugging lightly at Alec's hand, Adam led him back out of the room and down the stairs. "We should get to class." His accent lingered on, brought to the forefront by Adam's vulnerability and defensiveness.

As they emerged from the building, Adam paused on the front steps and turned to Alec, leaning in to give him a quick kiss on the lips in full view of the entire university.

The reassurance helped Alec push aside the last, lingering doubts Alec had. He knew they were foolish. Whatever had caused Adam to need space wasn't his fault. He'd done everything Adam asked and stopped as soon as he seemed uncomfortable. If he had done something, Adam would have told him in detail what mistakes Alec had made, but having Adam say that he still wanted to try was important. It eased the knot that had been trying to form in his chest that was too similar to the one that had always crushed him whenever Jace had said he loved Alec like a brother.

Waiting for Adam to compose himself, he brushed his thumb along the edge of Adam's hand. Ignoring the brief twinge of disappointment over the announcement that they were going to class, Alec reminded himself that he'd told Adam that they should go. He shouldn't wish that they could have an afternoon free of responsibilities.

And he should not be distracted by Adam's accent. It was different than what he was used to, but he liked the sound of it. Adam probably wouldn't like that since it seemed to be more pronounced when he was upset. "Yeah, we should."

Blinking at the change in light, he was almost caught off guard when Adam kissed him. Making a surprised sound, he grinned when Adam pulled away. "No more 'no kissing in public' rule?"

"I just didn't want our first kiss to be in public," Adam said, smiling at the sight of Alec's grin. He liked it a lot that his kisses were worth that. It made him feel light and whole to know that he could make Alec happy, and that he could kiss him anytime he wanted. "I'll be careful when we're at the Institute. The rest of the time, I want everyone to know you're my boyfriend."

He stayed close to Alec, watching his eyes with a trusting smile. He didn't touch aside from keeping their hands clasped, but he didn't want to move out of Alec's space, either.

Making a thoughtful sound, he bit his lower lip, trying not to tease Adam too much about the change in the rules that Alec knew he'd be taking advantage of. "So fourth - fifth? - kisses can have an audience." He'd lost count after the second kiss but he was sure that there'd been at least three.

He would have continued teasing Adam about the new rules when he realized what Adam had said. Boyfriend. Not fake boyfriend. Real boyfriend. Alec started to ask, then stopped himself. The smile that Adam gave him answered whatever unnecessary question he would have thought up. "I don't think we have to hide for long at the Institute. I want everyone there to know you're my boyfriend. Maybe a week or two? My parents should accept it by then." If they hadn't, they'd have to learn to deal with seeing their son happy with his new boyfriend.

Adam grinned wider at that, curling his hands around Alec's neck and kissing him again, warm and affectionate. He'd expected months to go by before Alec determined that they could be a couple in the eyes of the Institute. A week or two was completely manageable.

The confirmation that they were boyfriends made his heart thrill, and it was difficult to resist kissing Alec again. But he'd missed one class for the day, and wasn't willing to miss more. "Come on," he said, tugging at Alec's hand. The sooner they got to his next class, the sooner it would be over and they could head back to Alec's room to make out.

Returning the kiss, he was relieved that he'd said the right thing...and that none of his siblings could see him completely ignoring his duty in favor of kissing his boyfriend. He'd have to tell Izzy later. She'd probably be angry that he didn't text her right now but he wanted to enjoy being with Adam without having his phone constantly buzzing with her questions.

Walking beside Adam, he watched the other beings around them. None of them seemed too interested in them. No danger and no one seeming to think it was odd that they were holding hands. That was something Alec would have to get used to. When they got to the class, no one seemed to think it was strange that Adam's boyfriend was there again.

Alec mostly tuned out the lecture, keeping an eye on exits and windows, not really expecting anyone to attack them in the middle of class. He was more cautious when they headed home, slipping into his role as guard until they were inside the Institute and outside Adam's door. "Do you need to study since we skipped a class?"

They stopped holding hands as they neared the Institute, and Adam's hand felt cold the rest of the way. He tried not to look at Alec, worried that the longing or joy would show on his face at the sight of his boyfriend.

He couldn't help smiling when Alec asked him a question and he looked up into Alec's handsome face. "Probably. Wouldn't mind company, though."

Glancing past Alec down the hall, Adam retreated into his room, staying close to Alec and waiting only just until the door closed before grabbing the front of Alec's shirt and kissing him.

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