marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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"Twenty-three." He knew that most Mundanes would find it strange that he hadn't dated before even if he was in the closet. It was strange even by Shadowhunter standards, but it hadn't seemed as important as trying to prove he could be Head of the Institute. Now, his perceptions of what was important were changing.

Alec knew that Adam would be bothered by letting him pay for lunch, but wasn't sure how to help make it easier without calling the meal a date. "You can pay next time we get food?" he suggested, wondering if that would work. By tomorrow Adam wouldn't have to worry about expenses. He'd be making more than Alec did even when he was Head of the Institute.

"Some of them might come up later." It wasn't something that he'd really thought of, but he knew that if he said certain things about their argument, they'd start fighting again. "If we get food, we share it." It was probably a stupid thing to get hung up on when he let his siblings steal from his plate whenever they wanted. Most of the time he gave them some of the best items he ordered, but that seemed different than what Adam had suggested. "Usually there isn't anything left over. I can't go home hungry or Izzy will try to feed me."

“I’ll buy lunch tomorrow,” Adam agreed. “And I’ll try to do better at keeping you fed.” He wasn’t used to looking out for anyone but himself, and it hadn’t occurred to him to worry over making sure Alec ate. He’d been too caught up in his own calculations of money and food to realize that he’d been preventing Alec from eating.

Keeping hold of Alec’s hand, Adam rubbed his thumb along the side of Alec’s. He felt happy to be simply holding hands with someone who wanted to be holding hands with him.

He kept quiet as they got food and headed outside to eat, since the weather was sunny. Sitting close beside Alec so their knees touched, Adam watched him quietly for a couple minutes. “I do want to take it slow,” he said at last, then bit and chewed, thinking over his words before letting them out. “With sex. I want to kiss you, and I like being in contact with you. I’m not ready for anything past that.”

"Keeping me fed?" That thought hadn't occurred to Alec. He didn't eat when they weren't at the Institute if Adam didn't eat. That was part of his duty. He couldn't leave Adam to grab lunch. There had only been one part of that rule that had been a minor frustration. "I'd rather you let me grab coffee, but Izzy will be thrilled if you get me to eat. Usually I forget even when I'm at the Institute."

For a moment, he was too struck by the idea that he could hold hands with someone he liked. Someone who wasn't someone Maryse had chosen. Smiling at the thought that he could finally begin to think about liking someone and being open about it, he tried not to look too awed by just holding hands. "You're okay with PDA?" he asked softly, thinking of what Adam had said about his father. "Are there certain things you don't want to do?"

That sense of awe should have faded, but so much of what they were doing was beyond what Alec had ever assumed he could have. He never thought he'd be sitting with someone who might eventually be his boyfriend, talking about kissing.

"I think we should. It's still a lot to accept. I never thought I'd be out and - " Adam wouldn't freak out if he told him the truth. He had similar prejudices in his family. "And not be punished for it." Taking a few bites of his lunch, he decided he'd tell Adam what that punishment might be when they had a few days of calm. "I'm not ready for sex either. I think contact will go better now since I know you're not trying to...It won't be mixed messages."

"I don't usually drink coffee," Adam said. It wasn't out of any preference, but simply a practicality. Coffee cost money. "You might have to remind me or ask when you want coffee, but I'll try to remember."

Adam ate hungrily, grateful for the food and hungrier than he'd wanted to admit. Even though he'd been eating at the Institute for the past days, he hadn't wanted to take too much. "Certain things I don't want to do in public?" He had to think about it for a moment, and then shrugged. "I don't think so. I like the thought of people seeing me and knowing that someone wants me. I feel safe when you touch me, so I don't know of any way I don't want you to touch me. If something makes me uncomfortable, I'll let you know."

Adam nodded, still wary about how badly their contact had gone the night before, and displeased by the conclusions Alec had jumped to. It still didn't make sense to Adam how he'd gotten to those conclusions. "We've both got to try to communicate better. What we want, what we're comfortable with."

"I need it with the hours I have to keep." Last night hadn't been an official mission but he pulled all-nighters enough that he needed caffeine or stamina to function. Coffee caused less of a crash than overusing runes. "I'll remind you. I can't fall asleep during those classes I don't understand."

He was careful not to watch Adam while he wolfed down his food, not wanting to make it obvious that he'd been right about how hungry Adam was. It made him consider those sacrifices that Adam had made to go to college. Had Adam been starving himself so that he could pay for his tuition? After they were finished at the college, he'd start the paperwork for the first payment for Adam's work.

His attempt at not looking at Adam was ruined when he mentioned that he felt safe with Alec. "Adam, I'm sure that I'm not the only one who noticed you." He continued eating, giving him time to think about what he'd said. "I'm honored that you feel safe with me, especially when I threatened you." Thankfully Adam had understood why Alec had made the threat and how important Izzy, Jace, and Max were to him. "I'll let you know if something makes me uncomfortable."

As he finished his lunch, he tried to think of a way to explain why he'd assumed certain things without Adam becoming angry at him. "Izzy and Jace are the only ones I've really seen date and I don't think what they do is technically dating." Meliorn was the closest thing Izzy had ever had to a boyfriend and Alec had no idea what their relationship really was. "Usually it's an excuse to be alone with someone and - uh - " Was Adam going to be angry over Alec thinking that was what 'talking' had meant when there hadn't been talking? "Things I don't want to imagine my siblings doing."

It took Adam a moment to catch up with what Alec was saying, but when he did, he nodded. Izzy and Jace must be more casual with relationships and sex, and Alec had assumed that Adam wanted to do things the same way.

The threats hadn't impacted the reasons that Adam felt safe with Alec. If anything, they had reinforced them, making clear to Adam that Alec was loyal and protective. Now that he felt confident that Alec's loyal protection extended to him, the threats only reassured him that any danger would have to contend with Alec.

He was intrigued by Alec's implication that others had noticed Adam, and that Adam could have them if he wanted, but Adam supposed that he hadn't noticed them because he wasn't interested. Izzy was closer to Adam's age, but he'd never thought seriously about wanting her, or any of the other Shadowhunters near his age. Only Alec had turned his head for more than an instant.

"Don't use them as an example, then," Adam said, brushing his knuckles against Alec's leg. "We make our own rules. I don't care if what we do isn't normal for dating. We can figure it out for what we want."

It was becoming embarrassing that Adam could make him blush so often. Alec had assumed that he'd learned to control that reaction years ago but Adam kept proving him wrong. He hadn't expected Adam to be interested in PDA, but now he knew that it wasn't for the same reason that he'd seen in other situations. Potential affection, not an attempt at seduction.

"I won't." Alec knew that there'd be other disagreements and misunderstandings but at least they shouldn't be based on certain assumptions about sex. "I think we'll have to figure it out as we go since I really don't know what people normally do when they date." And it was something that Alec had never thought he'd ever need to figure out. "Are there certain things you'd want to do for dates?"

Adam looked bewildered at the question for a moment, not sure what Alec was asking, because it didn't seem to pertain to their current situation. "Dates like romantic excursions? I already make you take me out to classes every weekday. We don't have to go out. I just want to spend time with you. I liked our date of sitting together reading, and when you did my nails. Do those count?"

He was pretty sure they didn't count, but they mattered to Adam. That was the relationship he wanted. He didn't need dinner and a movie.

"That's what dates usually are." It sounded more like a question that it should but at least there was no snark in his tone. "Going to classes isn't dating, it's me doing my job." Which was not romantic or technically even a basis of friendship. If it was, he'd be able to tolerate Clary more than he could now. "Those can be dates, but we could also leave the Institute."

It seemed strange that Adam thought that they shouldn't actually want to do more than go to class and return back to the Institute. "You said you dated someone. Didn't you two go out together?"

"Not really," Adam said, and then didn't explain. He didn't want to talk about Blue with Alec. The whole thing still just felt frustrating and like he'd failed, and Adam hated feeling like a failure.

It surprised him that Alec was willing to leave the Institute and risk getting into danger just for a date. But Adam liked that, too, knowing that their relationship was that important to Alec and that he wanted it to be special. He smiled a little, thinking about going to the opera or the ballet with Alec, both of which were foreign experiences for Adam. "I'd like to go out on dates with you. Do you have ideas of what we could do?"

Alec wanted to ask what happened with Adam and whoever he'd dated, but it was obvious that Adam didn't want to talk about it. It seemed strange, but he mentally shrugged it off, deciding that it was probably a bad breakup not some aversion to actually going out together.

"I don't know. After everything - " He gestured vaguely to encompass the past few weeks and his sudden 'rebellion' against his roles and wanting choices similar to the ones his siblings had been given. "I want to try new things. I've only been the movies a few times. I've never went to a club that I would have chosen." He hadn't even told Izzy the things he'd secretly wanted to try. Simple things that he'd been told would distract from his training or keep him from being Head of the Institute.

He'd done everything that he'd been told was necessary and almost ended up in a loveless marriage, living a lie that would have eventually destroyed everyone around him. "The symphony." Adam would probably refuse because of the cost but he'd always wanted to go.

Adam's smile slowly widened as Alec made his suggestions, full of shy hope and fondness, and a blush hovered across his nose and cheeks. "I've never been to any kind of club," he said, deeply curious about what kind of club Alec would suggest for the two of them. He'd seen assorted scenes on tv about clubs, which always seemed to involve a lot of drinking and grinding, and he couldn't help being curious about both of those things. It was difficult to imagine Alec loosening up enough to dance, but the mental image was deeply appealing.

"Let's do all those things," Adam said, hooking his index finger over Alec's in order to loosely hold his hand. He'd probably have to save for weeks or months in order to afford the symphony, but he'd make it work.

Weaving their fingers together more fully, Adam squeezed Alec's hand once and then leaned forward suddenly, brushing his lips over Alec's cheek, wanting to reward him for sharing things that he wanted.

For a few seconds, Alec forgot that he was supposed to be protecting Adam. The blush and the smile were so distracting that he could only focus on Adam, not the potential dangers that might be around them. Blinking as he mentally shook off that daze, he glanced around, hoping that he hadn't tuned out something important. There were people glancing their way but nothing to worry about.

"I've been to a few with Izzy and Jace. They weren't really the type of place I wanted to go back then but maybe not it'll be different. And there's other types, ones that have live music." Which were the ones that Alec had been interested in but Izzy had always thought of as boring. "Or dancing." He wasn't quite sure about that yet but eventually he'd probably want to try it.

"You don't mind the symphony," he teased. "Jace was the only one who was ever mildly interested in that." That was too close to a date for Alec to feel comfortable with so he'd refused even when Jace had looked disappointed.

Smiling at Adam, Alec let him do whatever he wanted with his hand, surprised when the movements resulted in a kiss. He tried to speak, but for a moment he forgot how to form words. "Uh." He was blushing worse than before. Worse than after he'd kissed Magnus in front of everyone. "What was that for?"

“You told me things that you wanted,” Adam explained, grinning a little at him. He was perfectly willing to start a Pavlovian reward system whenever Alec used his words and expressed his feelings.

“I’d like the symphony.” Adam played idly with Alec’s hand, happy just to touch him. “I’ve never done anything like that before. The ballet. The opera.” He flashed Alec a shy little grin, excited at the thought.

“We could take dance lessons,” he suggested, not sure if Alec would be into that. Adam had never danced, and didn’t know how to start.

"So you're going to reward me like I'm a student being trained?" Or a puppy but Alec wasn't going to call himself a dog even if he knew the theory behind that particular reinforcement. "Kiss me enough and I'll act the way you want?"

Which may or may not work. Alec wasn't sure. He enjoyed kissing, but he was also stubborn. At least it was better than fighting as an incentive to act better.

"I'll see about getting tickets." Eventually the threats against Adam should disappear once there was something new for the Down World to fight over. He didn't expect guard duty to last more than a few weeks. Looking down at their hands, he tried to hide his amusement at how much Adam seemed to enjoy the simple gesture. He liked it too but he hadn't through that anyone else would be so pleased over being able to hold hands in public. "I haven't either, but I wanted to. Music was - is - my refuge."

Dancing lessons? That was something he hadn't expected Adam to be interested in. "Or I could teach you, if you really want to learn."

"That wasn't the only reason I wanted to kiss you," Adam said, brow furrowing a little bit. He felt the instinct to defend himself, because what he wanted was for Alec to feel comfortable expressing his thoughts and feelings, not just for Alec to act the way he wanted, but he didn't want to have an argument about that, especially not so soon after their last argument.

He stayed quiet instead of explaining himself, but he let go of Alec's hand and picked at the grass around their knees instead.

"You know how to dance?" Adam's head lifted, interested and impressed. Everything he learned about Alec just seemed to make him more attractive. "I'd like that."

"I was teasing, Adam." Sometimes he forgot that not everyone noticed when he was joking. He'd spent so much time with Izzy and Jace that he automatically assumed that the people he was close to would know his quirks. "I wanted you to kiss me." Leaning in, he brushed a kiss against Adam's jaw. "And I've been wanting to kiss you. I just wasn't sure when it was okay to kiss you."

He still wasn't. One kiss in the middle of the wedding wasn't a good guide for when it was appropriate or when Adam might be comfortable with being kissed.

"All Shadowhunters have to learn. It's part of the grand traditions of our kind." Which weren't that grand now but they were still followed. "There's even a ballroom in the Institute we could use when I teach you." For a moment, he looked awkward, feeling like he was a gangly teenager again. "I've never danced with a guy before."

"I want our first kiss to be private," Adam said, smiling and ducking his head with shy pleasure at the kiss to his jaw. "After that, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay with being kissed anywhere that you feel comfortable kissing me."

He took Alec's hand again, winding their fingers together and gliding his thumb along Alec's like an affectionate version of a thumb war. "I've never danced at all. I don't mind if you lead. I think that would go off better if we try any fancy lifts or dips." His grin turned a little bit playful at that, teasing, but also genuinely tempted by the idea of being dipped by Alec.

"I wasn't planning for my second kiss to be in front of a crowd." He didn't regret that his first kiss had been. In a way, he was proud of what he'd done. He would have preferred that moment to have been something shared privately, but there was no way that Alec could hide from his decision. He couldn't deny the truth and neither could anyone else. His parents couldn't try to hide it or try to convince him that it was just a phase. "I don't think we should be too obvious at the Institute. At least not until my parents have accepted everything."

For a few seconds, he watched Adam rub his hand, then caught his thumb before letting go. It was a silly thing to do, especially when he couldn't stop smiling as they sat in the sun, doing something that was so normal but had seemed impossible for years. "I can lead and eventually we could try those lifts eventually. If you want to. I know how to do them and the dips. Izzy wanted to learn so Jace and I had to learn with her."

"I'll be careful not to initiate anything at the institute unless we're in private," Adam promised, smiling as they played with each other's hands. It felt so freeing to have someone who liked his company and who wanted to exchange touch with him. "Can we kiss tonight, when we get back? Is that too early?"

Adam swallowed nervously after he'd asked it. He'd dated Blue for much longer than he'd known Alec, but with her it had always been too soon to kiss or to do anything else together. Adam felt guilty just asking for a kiss.

"Thank you." He didn't want to ruin this by having his parents or anyone else at the Institute commenting on what was going on between them. He'd already started noticing the hostility that some of the Shadowhunters felt. Alec had known it would happen and he refused to let it change who he was or who he wanted to be with, but he didn't want that extra pressure on both of them as they tried to figure out what dating meant to them.

"Uh - we can, but I think it'd be awkward if we plan it." Kissing seemed to be something that should be impulsive. As soon as he said it, he assumed that Adam would take it the wrong way. "I want to. I just don't want either one of us to think we have to even if it's not the right time." Was he making things worse? It seemed like he was. "I wanted to kiss you when we were reading together, but I thought it was too soon."

"It doesn't have to be a for-sure plan," Adam said, a little disappointed by the way Alec dodged the request. "But I think we need to be better communicating our desires and expectations. I wanted to kiss you last night, you thought I wanted more, and it all went awry. I don't want to go back to your room thinking it might be okay to try for a kiss if you think we should wait until after we've had a formal date."

He increasingly wanted to kiss Alec here and now, to take the impulse before he started overthinking everything and building up expectations around it. The combination of nerves and desire was more than he knew what to deal with, so he just looked at Alec's hand instead, playing nervously with his fingers.

Alec almost began to argue about their miscommunication but he knew that would start another fight. "Why would I think we have to have a date? My first attempt at kissing wasn't traditional." Sighing, he rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. "Until a few weeks ago, everything in my life was planned. I don't want kissing you to be on a schedule. If I want to kiss you, I want to be able to... If you want me to kiss you." He didn't want to sound too demanding or like he'd do something questionable like the guys that Izzy occasionally beat up in clubs.

"I'd kiss you now if I could." But he couldn't. Adam didn't want their first kiss to be in the middle of a college campus and Alec should be paying more attention to their surroundings. "It'll take time for me to figure out how to say what I want."

Adam was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how to explain when he didn't think they were actually disagreeing. He didn't know how to express the way he'd been hurt by what had happened with Blue, and what he wanted to avoid by simply agreeing when and where they would both be okay with kissing.

He wasn't sure if he'd always want to be kissed, or under what circumstances, or how to communicate that.

Alec's desire to kiss him now, however, made him smile, and gave him an idea to give Alec what he'd just said he wanted--the ability to kiss Adam when he wanted to, and he wanted to now.

"Come on," he said, getting up and taking Alec's hand. He took a moment to consider his route, and then led Alec to the nearby theater building and up two and a half flights into a quiet, out-of-the-way little reception room that was awkwardly designed, with windows set too high to see out of and uncomfortable decorative benches along one wall. The combination meant that it was hardly ever used, because it served no practical function.

Stopping to one side of the room, just out of sight from the little window set into the door, Adam turned and stepped close to Alec, blushing shyly. "How's this?"

Relationships seemed more complicated than Alec thought. He knew that they took work and that the type that he was interested in wouldn't be easy since Nephilim society hated change. But he didn't think there would be so many rules or something that had seemed as simple as a kiss would be so confusing.

Maybe he was just overthinking the situation like Izzy always complained about.

Pushing aside his worries about planning kisses, Alec stood when Adam did, scanning the area before letting Adam lead him toward a building that he didn't recognize. "I thought you said you weren't going to class..." Maybe Adam had changed his mind since a few days ago college had been more important than being safe. Looking around the building, it didn't look like the same type of classes were held here than in the others they'd attended.

As they went up the stairs, Alec tried to ignore the wariness that crept through him. He should feel safer somewhere that wasn't part of their usual routine but he disliked being somewhere new when he was obviously distracted. The feeling eased slightly when they stepped into a small room that Alec doubted many beings knew about. It was strange, not fitting the efficient design of the rest of the college. Looking up at the high windows, it reminded him of the Institute in some ways.

Slowly his attention shifted from the room and its contents to Adam. He began to smile when he noticed Adam's blush and how close they were standing. He almost asked for permission, but he reminded himself that Adam wouldn't have found a quiet, out of the way room if he wasn't ready. That didn't stop the nervousness that caught in his chest or the fear that somehow Adam would be disappointed. Last time he hadn't had time to think. Not really. Now...

Before he could talk himself out of it, he closed the small distance between them to press his lips to Adam's, hoping that he hadn't just made a fool of himself.

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