marlowemuses | The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

There had bee no other options. Someone had to guard the relics the Angel had given them. The Cup and Sword were too powerful to be left in mortal hands even those that had been blessed by the Angel. That power was too tempting no matter how noble Nephilim might be. There would always be someone, some group of someones, who would be seduced by the possibilities that those gifts represented.

Even centuries after the decision had been made, Alec wasn't sure why he had been chosen for this particular duty. His parabatai had been a better warrior. His sister was far more clever. But the Angel had chosen him. Perhaps because he was better able to accept the isolation of his divine task. His siblings would have been driven mad by loneliness after the first few decades.

There were times when Alec wondered if he would eventually succumb to insanity, but he had the books that he eventually became guardian of and the cats that somehow crept between worlds to keep him company. They weren't exactly cats, of course. They were built more like predators than pets, eyes glowing with flames instead of the usual nocturnal glow. No matter how frightening they looked, they were Alec's friends and they helped Alec protect the items the Angel had left in his care.

It was the cats that warned him that something was wrong at the gates. The largest of them howled a warning, hissing as she faced the gate. The rest of the pride ran to her as Alec sprinted for the gates. Something - Someone - was attacking. He felt the temple shiver its warning through him and he knew that no matter how impossible it seemed, someone had crossed the threshold between worlds.

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"You don't have to tell me anything about who you are or were. But don't get angry at me for getting the wrong idea if you haven't told me enough to get the right idea."

Art history wasn't Adam's forte, but he knew enough to be sure of what role Alec would play in a Renaissance painting. Saint or angel. "Do you not have Renaissance paintings in your library? The traditional depiction of angels is as stern beings of exceptional beauty." Which is to say, exactly like Alec. Adam didn't mean to flirt with him, but he couldn't imagine that Alec wouldn't know that he was stunning.

"You should know some of it, but some subjects are hard to deal with." Maybe eventually he would tell Adam about them, if he continued to visit.

"I have them. I've looked at them for hours." Which was part of the reason why he couldn't understand the comparison that Adam had made. Those works of art were stunning. Alec couldn't be compared to something so profoundly beautiful. He tried to deny any truth to that compliment but only managed to stutter and blush. Finally he managed to find his voice. "Stern fits me but not the rest!"

Adam was puzzled by how much his words flustered Alec. What seemed self-evident to him had completely undone the guardian, and he realized that Alec didn't know or didn't believe that he was exquisitely attractive. Adam didn't know how to prove it to him, and it didn't really matter whether or not Alec believed him.

His lips twitched the tiniest bit, showing a hint of a smile. "You don't have mirrors here?" he asked, teasing.

"Yes, there are mirrors here!" He was blushing worse and he couldn't seem to stop the heat that was crawling across his skin. The more he tried to control the reaction, the worse it seemed to become. "That's how I know that I'm not - " It almost seemed blasphemous to compare himself to those works of art.

Then he noticed the beginning of a smile, and he quit stuttering. "You're joking. You don't really think I look like one of those paintings."

Adam felt defensive at the suggestion that he was mocking Alec. His smile faded and his chin tucked down. Though Adam lied easily, he only ever did so when he knew there would be consequences for the truth.

"I'm teasing you for not knowing that you do," Adam corrected. Maybe they were looking at different paintings, but it was the 'ethereally beautiful' part that Adam had meant to apply to Alec.

Either way, if Alec didn't believe him, Adam wasn't going to insist. He picked a direction to explore so that he could get this tour started. He'd just take himself on a tour if necessary.

"But I don't. My siblings were the ones who were beautiful." Confusion kept him from feeling the usual pang of sorrow that accompanied thoughts of Izzy and Jace. "They were the ones who were brilliant." Both mentally and physically. They had been like the sun while Alec had been... There was a reason why his parents hadn't protested Alec being chosen instead of the rest of their children.

Silently he trailed behind Adam, barely paying attention to Emily as she wound around his legs. He'd done something wrong, but he wasn't sure what. Jace and Izzy would have known. Max probably would have understood it too. "I'm not special, Adam." Maybe admitting that would help correct whatever he'd done wrong. "Not like they were or like you."

"It was just an opinion," Adam insisted, accent coming through thick and syrupy now that he was doubting himself and feeling rejected. "I don't know much about art history."

He was glad that Alec was coming with him, at least. He didn't want to wander this place alone, and he didn't want Alec to be displeased with him.

It was interesting to learn that Alec had siblings, and that he at least acknowledged that they were beautiful. Adam thought it was critically inaccurate that Alec wasn't special, when he had the patience and strength to guard this place for centuries, but Alec didn't want to hear his opinions.

Noticing that Adam's accent had come back, Alec wanted to ask if everyone Adam knew sounded like that or if it was something else that made him special. But Adam hadn't acknowledged what he's said about that and he seemed to be getting frustrated with him again.

When he was mortal, Alec would have walked away from the situation, letting Izzy smooth things over while he tried to figure out what he'd done wrong. Or he would have slipped into his role as a Lightwood and been coldly polite to whoever he was speaking to. Now he couldn't use any of those defenses. Maybe he shouldn't try to use them. Maybe he should use some of the advice that Izzy had told him long ago when they'd thought Alec would have a normal life.

"I don't know how to talk to people. Even before... I didn't know. I tried." His parents had always lectured him about that no matter how much he'd struggled to be the ideal son. "It was never good enough and I haven't had a chance to practice since I was brought here." It was a poor attempt at a joke, but Alec needed to say something to stop thinking about Maryse. "Emily's conversation skills are worse than mine."

Adam hesitated, drawn to Alec's evident desire to make Adam like him again. He glanced over, noticing the cat. "Is that one Emily?" he asked. He couldn't tell them apart yet, aside from Persephone. The rest of them just looked like demon cats.

Squatting down, Adam offered his knuckles to the cat, because it was easier to make peace with the cat than with Alec. Emily rubbed her head against his knuckles, purring, so Adam tentatively picked her up and pressed his face into his fur. "I meant what I said and I don't care if you don't believe me," he said, resuming walking, though he definitely did care whether Alec believed him.

Emily trilled, trying to trip him again before sauntering over to Adam. Watching her as she decided if the priestess deserved her attention, he couldn't quite hide a smile when she allowed Adam to pick her up. "Fickle girl," he muttered. "That one is Emily Dickinson."

Persephone bumped against his shin, demanding that she be carried as well. Scooping her up, he waited for her to settle against his chest before starting to run a hand along her back. Following Adam, he considered what Adam had said. Not just the comment about looking like an angel in a painting, but other things as well. "Why don't you ever acknowledge what I say about you?" He didn't realize he'd said the thought aloud until it was too late. "Or tell me about yourself?"

"Nothing about me is worth telling," Adam said, accent still thick and not looking at Alec. He kept Emily cradled in his arms, holding her as tight as he dared while being careful not to crush her. "I don't know anything about magic. I don't have any angel blood. I'm just stubborn."

He opened a door at random and stopped short in surprise at the sumptuous banquet spread laid out across an enormous table. It was enough food to feed Adam for a year, and it was all hot and fresh, like it had just been laid. His stomach rumbled loudly at the smell of it, and all Adam could do was stare.

Alec gave Adam a variation of the look he used to give Jace that silently stated that he thought his best friend was an idiot. "Worth telling depends on who you're telling." Letting out a sigh, he tried not to be frustrated or hurt by Adam's comment. It sounded like evasion or it could be that Adam really didn't think he was interesting, not realizing that Alec would be interested. "You can do magic and I can't. Angel blood doesn't make me better than anyone else and I know you're stubborn."

Persephone dug her claws into his arm but he wasn't sure if that was a warning or encouragement. "You want to be partners but you won't tell me anything about you. You'll probably get mad if I ask you questions." Or if he said anything that was meant as a compliment since Adam usually walked away whenever Alec tried to be nice.

Stepping into the room, he stared at the table and all the food that had appeared. "The temple really likes you. It's only done that for me a few times."

"Not worth telling to someone who doesn't like me," Adam amended. The temple and the ley line liked him, and the cats liked him, but Alec very obviously didn't, so Adam threw it at him the way Alec had done earlier. Let Alec answer it this time.

He approached the spread of food tentatively, unable to believe it was really for him. He didn't know where to start. "This is all for me?" he asked, bewildered. He was hungry, though, so he couldn't resist approaching. Emily squirmed, so he set her down carefully on the table, and she went straight over to an enormous platter of chicken and started helping herself. "Won't it all go to waste?"

"I like you." At least Alec thought he could like Adam. He wasn't sure if he could trust his impressions and feelings when it'd been so long since he'd spoken to anyone. But the potential was there. Adam probably wouldn't believe that but at least Alec had tried to be civil.

Setting Persephone down, Alec walked along the table, taking in all the different kinds of food that had been offered to the priestess. Some of them Alec had never seen before or had only seen in books. He scowled at Emily, picking her up and setting her down on the table. Deciding the chicken was a lost cause, he set the plate down for his pets. "It is." Alec doubted that whatever magic had caused the feast to appear would mind if he ate some of it, but it obviously wasn't for him. "I don't think it will. Food doesn't usually spoil here, but this is different than anything that happened before."

Adam was surprised to hear that Alec liked him, at least enough to want to spend more time in his company. "So we both want to be friends but we're not any good at it," he concluded. Taking up a plate, Adam started to fill it with slices of pies, meat, and vegetables. He wanted to try everything, but he limited himself to what he thought his stomach could take without rejecting it.

Then he took a seat, eating hungrily and curling an arm defensively around his plate without realizing he was doing it. "I'm eighteen. I go to a prestigious private school on scholarship." And that was the end of the facts about himself that Adam was comfortable with.

"I never really had friends before." Mentally wincing at how that sounded, he tried not to think of Adam pitying him over what had happened in the past. "Unless you count family." Izzy and Jace had always included him and they had made sure that their friends were polite. It had still been awkward for him since he was the outsider instead of part of the group.

Alec stared at a piece of fruit that was furry on the outside and bright green on the inside, trying to figure out what exactly it was. He was about to ask when Adam gave him a bare minimum of information about himself. "Thank you for sharing." He couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice as he got a plate and picked items that he'd never seen before. Whatever they were couldn't be dangerous to him and this might be the only time that he might be able to eat them.

Turning back to Adam, he noticed how he was hunched over his plate. Like he expected to be attacked. Suddenly he wasn't hungry, not even for the rare things the temple had offered Adam. Setting his food aside, he began picking things for the cats, giving them bits of meat while staying as far away from Adam as he could. Maybe if he was far enough away Adam could enjoy the gift the temple had given him.

When Adam finally offered something about himself, Alec responded scathingly and then backed away. Adam didn't understand what he'd done wrong or how he'd given offense, but it seemed clearer than ever that Alec didn't want to be near him.

Hurting, Adam's appetite faded. He felt hated and unwelcome, and the ley line's insistence that he be here felt like nothing in comparison to that rejection. The only good things about himself, and Alec had acted like they were trash.

He pushed his plate away and got up. He had work to do and places to be. If the temple wanted something from him, it could provide clearer instructions next time. Adam just wanted out.

As he fed the cats, he covertly watched Adam, hating that he seemed so afraid of him. He hadn't helped with that but every time he offered some information about himself, Adam ignored him or gave him only enough to prove that he was sharing something about his life. Distracted by that thought, he didn't notice Persephone's shift in mood until she hissed, swiping at his hand and biting him.

Jerking away, Alec yelped and stumbled backwards, ending up on the floor with the cats glaring at him. As a group, they turned away from him, leaving him alone with the priestess. First Adam and now his pets had decided they didn't want to be around him. Staring at the blood welling up from the scratches, he waited for Adam to follow the cats. They could show the priestess around the temple and Alec would go find somewhere out of the way to wait until Adam returned home.

Heading for the door, Adam looked over at the hiss and the yelp. His eyes narrowed, bothered by it and concerned that it had happened. Alec's cats had seemed tame and affectionate, and Alec had been gentle with them.

He couldn't rule out that it hadn't been his own temper that had caused it. Alec insisted that Adam had power in this place, that the cats and the temple both wanted to please him. In that moment, he had felt angry and hurt, and now Alec was bleeding.

"Did I do that?" he asked, voice very quiet and eyes dark and defensive. Didn't it just figure that as soon as he had power, someone would be hurt from it, and then they'd have all the more reason to hate Adam.

"No. It was my fault." Swiping at the blood, he knew he should heal the scratches but it seemed right to have the sting of the wound to remind him of his mistakes. "They're making their annoyance with me known the only way they can." They didn't normally react that way, but there had been times when Alec had been foolish and reckless and they'd had made their opinions of his actions clear.

"Persephone is the most outspoken of them. She'll forgive me in a couple of hours." The rest of the pride wouldn't come near him until she did, but Alec probably needed that solitude. "She's done it before when I did things she didn't approve of so it's not something you should worry about."

“Good,” Adam snapped, ill-tempered but relieved. “I didn’t want you hurt, but I share her opinion that you’re a fucking asshole.”

Reassured that Persephone hadn’t hurt Alec because of him, Adam continued on his trajectory out the door, planning to find the quickest way out of the temple that he could manage. Alec thought he was as worthless as everyone else did. Adam was a fool to have hoped otherwise.

"I'm a - " Digging his nails into the cuts, he tried to focus on that pain instead of the anger that was starting to break through his self control. For once that tactic didn't work and his temper worked its way free. "You're the one that treats me like I'm less than the decorations in the temple. You're the one who talks about cooperation and unions and then dismisses me whenever I try to have a conversation with you."

Taking a deep breath, he kept his gaze away from Adam, ignoring the wistful pang that the sight of so many new, real things that the temple had given Adam. Even when he first arrived, he hadn't been treated that way.

None of that mattered. The priestess was dismissing him. He'd warned Adam that he was just the guard cat. Alec shouldn't have believed the hints of friendship. Loneliness had clouded his reason.

Forcing his attention to a spot beyond Adam's shoulder, he locked his hands behind his back, taking up the old pose he'd used while still a mortal. The one that he'd used whenever Maryse had given her lectures. "I'll make sure that you never see me during your visits. If you need anything, the temple or Persephone will be able to help you."

Adam stopped on the threshold of the room, glaring back at him with rage. “You asked me for information about myself, and when I offered it, you treated it like trash.” It had been the best Adam had to offer, the only things that made it seem like he had value.

“Don’t worry,” he said, cold and bitter with pain, voice sharp and with very little of the soft syrup of his accent. “I’m not coming back.”

Adam stepped through the door. Alec would have to chase him.

"All you told me is that you go to school. I learned more about you the day we were in the library and when we were in the garden." He'd thought he'd learned something about Adam. He'd given him a caterpillar and worried about something most people would see as a nuisance would survive going through the gate. Alec had thought that Adam was someone who would be kind, but that thoughtfulness didn't seem to extend to him once he had the temple had shown that it welcomed the priestess.

Alec knew that it was his duty to apologize and beg Adam to stay but he couldn't get the words past the lump in his throat. It hurt too much to keep trying and having the distance between them become more obvious. The temple wanted Adam here, not Alec. The cats preferred Adam. He wasn't sure what the Angel would do when Adam didn't return, but he doubted that he'd be punished too harshly. If he was, then someone else would have to replace him.

Slowly he stood, walking out the door and watching Adam as he stormed away. The cats hissed at Alec again and he shook his head. Even Emily was leaving with Adam. Heading back toward the gardens, he frowned when the door refused to open. All the doors refused to open except the ones that would lead to the gate.

When Adam reached the gate, it was closed. He'd never seen it closed before, since it had always been open. A standing invitation.

His cheeks flamed at the sight of it, and he tried the knob even though he already knew. The temple would not let him leave while it knew he wouldn't return. Adam knew that he would, probably, after a few weeks to cool his temper, or when the ley line and the temple insisted strongly enough. But being forbidden to leave enraged him.

He shouted threats at the door for a minute, fingers sparkling with power as he tried to tear it open, willing to tear a hole in reality to do so, but Adam's magic was weak without the ley line to back it, and he didn't have enough magic of his own to combat the power of an angel, especially when he knew so little about controlling his power.

When Alec appeared, along with most of the pack of cats, Adam whirled on him. There was a darkness in his eyes, all that power and fury making him seem inhuman, and his rage crackled in the air around him in little sparks.

"I brought you gifts," Adam snapped. He didn't think that Alec had anything to do with trapping him here, and thought that Alec probably wanted to be rid of him as quickly as possible. "I spent time and effort to please you, and then you say I think of you as less than the decor? I didn't bring gifts to the cats, though they've been more civil to me than you have. I tried to please you."

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