marlowemuses | Lessons

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Lessons

Wei Wuxian had lost hope, but his pride had yet to falter.

The Wen Sect had attacked the Lotus Pier, using Wei Wuxian’s bad attitude as their excuse. He’d lost his home and his foster parents, such as they were, and Jiang Cheng had been bent on revenge. It had ended with them here, branded as traitors to the government. He didn’t know what had happened to Jiang Chen, but he assumed that his fate was much the same.

Time had blurred for him, though the unmarked stretches of time formed a pattern. There was the cold gray cell with the propaganda television upon the wall, proclaiming virtues and sins, and the Wen Sect’s superiority over all. There was the processing room, with the bureaucrat who explained his situation. He was now the property of the state. Because of his youth and his appearance (“Oh, are you saying I’m pretty? You’re not really my type, I don’t really go for lump-faced brown-nosers like you…”), he had the opportunity to be a helpmeet, if he would agree to yield to the training.

Wei Wuxian expressed that he was enjoying their hospitality so very much, he could not possibly wish to leave.

And then there was the torture, which went on for hours, until he wept and screamed. They explained to him that this was still a merciful torture, which left no damage. He still had the opportunity to become a helpmeet. He could serve an honorable clan and be well-treated. (“Oh, are you saying I can be someone’s bitch? I hope they’re prettier than you.”)

After the third round of this, they had informed him that this was his last chance. His last offer. If he would yield to the training and accept his role as a helpmeet, he would be fed and given soft clothes and allowed to rest. If he did not yield, he would suffer far more excruciating torture, and then he would be given the opportunity to enter a work camp or to labor in a mine. The more painful torture would leave him capable of work, but it would leave marks. He would no longer be pretty. (“You really are fixated on me being pretty! I understand that you are in love with me, but really this is no way to go about a courtship!”)

They threw him back in the cell.

Wei Wuxian had some regrets about his insubordination. It would perhaps not be the worst thing to be a helpmeet (especially if he was given to a pretty girl who wanted him as a stud!), but he could not endure yielding his pride and kneeling before some stranger. He did not want to become some mindless, simpering automaton. But the alternative was being tortured until he broke or died. Wei Wuxian was shameless, but he was very proud. He decided that he would be tortured to death before he broke and pleaded for mercy.

The next day, he was brought to a new cell. It was not at all what he expected. It was very large and very white, with a great many lights beaming down from the ceiling. There, they made him kneel in the middle of the floor, and chained his cuffs to a ring in the floor behind him so that he could not slump or stand. Wei Wuxian did not mind this so much. He was accustomed to kneeling.

In front of him was a large mirror that took up the whole wall. He suspected that it was a one-way mirror, so that whoever was on the other side of the glass could watch what happened in the room. Probably Wen Chao, he thought. It would be just like him to want to watch Wei Wuxian’s humiliation and torture, and to not do it himself.

He was left there for a long period of time. At least an hour, but he yet again had no way to tell how much time was passing. This seemed strange to him. Surely this was not the new, worse torture they had promised, and he had not yielded or agreed to cooperate, so there was no reason that they would take mercy on him.

Eventually, the door opened behind him. Wei Wuxian was very curious, so he twisted around to look. It was Lan Zhan!

This was a surprise. Lan Zhan was as flawless as ever, in his white GusuLan Sect clothes that looked like he was in mourning. He looked upright and dignified, so he was certainly not a prisoner here. As far as Wei Wuxian knew, the Lan Sect was still held in esteem by the Wen Sect and the government.

They were not exactly friends. Lan Wangji had never liked him, even though Wei Wuxian was always friendly to him and they had even fought together. Lan Zhan was still too uptight, and Wei Wuxian supposed that Lan Zhan found him inappropriate and annoying. He’d said as much! Almost half the words that Lan Zhan had ever said to him were things like ‘ridiculous’ and ‘pathetic’. Wei Wuxian considered him an ally, and would even have trusted Lan Zhan in most situations, but this was not a good situation. He couldn’t think of any good reason why Lan Zhan would be here, unless he had come to take part in Wei Wuxian’s humiliation.

“Do you work for the Department of Re-Education now, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asked, making his voice light and flippant, as though he had not been exhausted, starved, and tortured for days.

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Wei Ying drank the tea gladly, emptying his cup and then drinking the one after that until the tea was gone. It wasn't liquor, but tea was a great improvement upon the plain water they'd been drinking in the re-education center.

When they got up, Lan Zhan offered to carry him. Wei Ying looked up at him, shyly fond of his master. "I can walk," he confirmed. He didn't want to, if being carried in Lan Zhan's arms was an option, but he could. He had legs and they worked. Instead of starting to walk, though, he stayed close to Lan Zhan, gazing up at him. He didn't want to start walking if it meant moving even a step away from Lan Zhan's side.

With a nod, "Mn. That's good." He was worried if Wei Ying was too weak to walk or being fearful of separated from him, considering they are now outside in the world after what seems like months and they're in a strange town.

Lan Zhan holds his hand and the three left the restaurant quietly. Outside, they can see it's a very small rural town built what seems like on the outskirts of the far countryside. The people who lives here are poor people and farmers. However, what seems out of place is the local men wearing blue gray military uniforms holding guns while being out of patrol on the streets, accompanied by dogs.

Knowing Wei Ying is fearful of dogs, "Stay close to me Wei Ying. Hopefully, nobody ask questions. If they do, I'll answer."

Following his brother's lead, they made it to the bus stop where there's a few buses are waiting. "This bus will take us to Gusu." Lan Xichen said. Boarding the bus as he paid the fare, and finding a seat in the back, and it's a matter of waiting for the bus to set into motion and leaving the town and the facility of the re-education far behind.

Wei Ying held very tight to his hand and stayed close, all the more so when he saw the dogs. He was glad when they were safe on the bus, which had no dogs on it, and which was heading to Gusu.

He sat close by Lan Zhan's side, remaining quiet and withdrawn as the bus began to move. Though he glanced around a few times, he mostly kept his eyes on his own lap.

After an hour of the bus ride, since nothing bad had happened, Wei Ying began to grow more curious and more confident.

A child sat across from him, and when their eyes met, Wei Ying gave the child a tiny, friendly smile, and it smiled back at him. Since there was nothing else to do during the long ride, Wei Ying leaned over and put out his hands, performing a little pantomime of hand-clapping in a certain pattern and then waiting for the child to mimic him.

It took some teaching, as the child was confused by what was going on at first, but it quickly warmed to Wei Ying's cheerful clownishness. As the bus traveled on, Wei Ying taught the child a complicated clapping game, the kind that he had played with other children in the streets. By the end of it, Wei Ying was smiling again.

When the child left the bus with its father, Wei Ying nestled against Lan Zhan's shoulder, feeling a little more at ease after that innocent moment of play.

It was a long ride, so there are times Lan Zhan dozed on and off. He was so exhausted and used up from the months prior, but rescuing Wei Ying was all that mattered to him. While he isn't certain what the future holds, there are many questions in his mind, but his brother warns him to wait and hold his questions until they reached Gusu to speak to the uncle.

For now, Lan Zhan seeing Wei Ying more lively and smiling again, this is a moment of feeling safe. He watches Wei Ying play with the child quietly. "..."

Safety that they haven't felt in a long time. When the child left, and they become one of the few passengers left on the bus. "Do you like children, Wei Ying?"

"Hm?" Wei Ying is surprised at the question. He has never really thought about it. "I suppose so."

Pondering the question, Wei Ying taps at his chin. "I have never interacted with children much, not since I was a child. I like that they accept playfulness and silliness more readily than adults do. I don't think I'd want one of my own. I don't know what I'd do with it. You just water them and make sure they get enough sunlight, right?"

It's more than he's talked in weeks, and he leans against Lan Zhan the whole time. Curious about how Lan Zhan is feeling in their new situation, he watches Lan Zhan's face for a minute, but can't quite read him, so he puts his hand over Lan Zhan's heart instead for information and reassurance. "Lan Zhan."

At the moment, Lan Zhan is visibly relaxed with Wei Ying resting on him. In the meanwhile, his brother is sitting alone several seats ahead of them has dozing off. He was advised not to mention the brother, Jiang Cheng and sister, Yanli to Wei Ying as they have not been found yet, but the search for them is still on-going.

"...Mn. That's fine. There's a lot of good children in Gusu. You can play with them." Lan Zhan hoped his hometown is still the same since the day he left, which felt like months ago.

Upon feeling the touch on his chest, "Mn? Wei Ying? Wei Ying." The reassurance is needed. That they're going to be okay, even though a lot has happened between and they have changed. They started as classmates and friends and thought of each other as enemies. Now they become something more, they have a breather to figure out and contemplate on their feelings for each other.

"I can't wait to take you back to Gusu. I can get you meat and Emperor smiles. That will be the first thing I will get you when we get there." Even though most of the Gusu clan members diet consisted of vegetarian meals and liquor is forbidden. For Wei Ying, he has changed to the point now to bend the old traditional Gusu rules just for him.

Wei Ying had smiled a tiny bit when he had played with the child, and it returned now, lighting his eyes more than his mouth. There was still a lot of confusion and pain in his eyes, with the joy deeply buried under the helpmeet persona that he'd become lost in, but the promise of meat and his favorite liquor was enough to draw a hint of a smile from him.

"You are good to me, master," Wei Ying said. His hand remained on Lan Zhan's chest, soothed as ever by his heartbeat. "How is it that the best liquor in the world is made in the shadow of the Cloud Recesses? Is it secretly made by the GusuLan sect? I would believe that. All that patience and perfection and secret passions."

He touches a light finger to the tip of Lan Zhan's nose. His irrepressible teasing is showing through already.

At his question, "No. Most of the Gusu Lan can members took a vow to never drink alcohol. It's against sect rules and they'll be punished if they break that rule. The alcohol is made in the towns outside of Cloud Recess like Caiyi town. In Cloud Recesses, alcohol is seen as a vice."

Still, Lan Zhan side-eyes shyly to the side watching the scene passing by the cool window. In the end, he'll sneak some into cloud recesses for his husband-to-be anyway. While it's not official, he doesn't consider this a forbidden affair as he long made up his mind to marry him as soon as possible.

"...Wei Ying."

He wanted to bring up that he doesn't need to be so formal. That he doesn't have to call him that title anymore. Yet, he wondered if Wei Ying now called him that out of his own volition? Lan Wangji was used to be addressed so formally, but for Wei Ying to call him Master...it felt personal and intimate.

"Now we're free in the world outside, you don't have to call me that. But I would like you to. I want to kiss you. Our first kiss since we left hours ago. And from now on, I want to kiss you like this. Everyday."

"Did you vow not to drink alcohol?" Wei Ying asked, wondering if he'd be drinking alone when Lan Zhan got him meat and alcohol.

He blinked in confusion at Lan Zhan's statement about what Wei Ying could do and what Lan Zhan wanted. These were choices beyond what Lan Zhan had offered him before, and Wei Ying felt confused because he wasn't sure what the rules were and what was allowed anymore.

If the choice was up to him, he wasn't sure what he wanted. He hadn't been able to really think about it before now. "Whatever you like, master," Wei Ying said, very quiet because he was uncertain. Lan Zhan seemed to be asking him to choose this as something that he wanted, but Wei Ying hadn't been allowed to not want Lan Zhan. Choosing to want him seemed disingenuous, so Wei Ying tried to dodge the choice entirely.

"I vow not to drink. I vowed a lot of things. I think I broke a lot of vows and there's no going back." There will be days Wei Ying may have to drink alone since Lan Zhan's tolerance to alcohol and spirits is very low, but he'll try to drink together with him.

"Wei Ying remember. If you can forgive me, then I'll take care of you. I promise. Because it's the right thing to do." With concern, seeing the confusion and pain in his eyes, Lan Zhan felt guilty. He felt solely responsible for him.

"Whatever I like?" Smiles softly. He'll have to make the decision, guiding Wei Ying. "I like kissing you. A lot." Since Lan Zhan realized he haven't kissed him since they were released. He cupped Wei Ying's chin to tilt aside and bring him forward to kiss his soft lips.

Wei Ying was grateful to have the decision taken from him, and he returned the kiss warmly. Lan Zhan's affection and attention was soothing to him, especially since it had been the only good thing in his life for so long, and after hours without being kissed, Wei Ying's heart soared.

He hugged close to Lan Zhan as they kissed, lingering on his lips even though he was aware that they were on a bus and had an audience. When the kiss broke for a moment, he smiled shyly at Lan Zhan. "Er-Gege," he murmured.

Lan Zhan continues kissing him. On the forehead. On the lips. On his throat where he can feel his pulse on his lips and hearing his breathing. His kisses are reverent, almost worshipful. To him Wei Ying is divine for going through the ordeal just for him and with him. All of those kisses to make up for the humiliation and fear.

It was a small space in the bus, and while there's an audience, he doesn't care. He's a helpmeet, so any shame, they both have to endure it. He guides Wei Ying's legs to rest on his lap, and pressed his body close to him to keep him warm in his embrace. He's going to squeeze and kiss him all the way to Gusu, giving him all the comfort.

Looking into his eyes with love, he caresses his cheek and rubs his back. "When we reached home, we're going to make love on my bed. How is that? We shall do so without fear and worry. I'll have your favorite wine nearby and we can drink the night away to celebrate. Seems like an ideal night to spend together."

Wei Ying hooks his legs gladly over Lan Zhan's lap, squeezing them tight to hold him. The slow, sweet, worshipful kisses eventually bring a smile to his face, because it's playful and it's adoring, and Wei Ying loves both those things.

"I'd like that, Lan Er-Gege," Wei Ying says. He's blushing and smiling shyly at the onslaught of affection, and he lays his thumb over Lan Zhan's lips to temporarily stall the kissing. "I want to be alone with you. No cameras. No rules."

Except the three thousand Lan sect rules, but Wei Ying never obeyed those anyway.

Lan Zhan moans softly with all of his yearnings for him from the kisses as he felt Wei Ying legs are on his lap. This is what love should feel like. Soft, warm, playful. He halts as he really listens to him, golden eyes almost entranced with a look of bliss in rapt attention as this is the boy he has been crushing on and fell in love with.

"Mn, alone. With you. Only with you." He sighed, his deep voice a melody like the strings he strums and plays on the guqin. In his mind, he wants to strip Wei Ying's cloth and have him naked and then have his way with him, ravishing on his favorite bed in his jingshi.

His Wei Ying, his alone. Worth every beating, bruises, and scars he earned on his back.

He doesn't plan to have sex with him on the bus, not with his dozing brother around. But he holds him and cuddled with him, speaking of loving words, becoming his true self all the way until the bus stops and arrived in Gusu.

By then, the elder brother woke up. It's a simple matter of hopping off the bus after hours long journey. They're in Gusu with it's recognizable forest and mountains, and a trek to Cloud recesses.

Wei Ying blushes and smiles as the cuddling and loving words continues. He bats at Lan Zhan, playfully discouraging even though he enjoys the attention.

There's a part of Wei Ying, deep inside, that feels cold, and all the attention and kisses only makes him feel more cold.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan," he says at last, putting his hand over Lan Zhan's mouth. "I'm tired."

He tucks his head against Lan Zhan's shoulder then, wanting only to be held and not to be kissed.

When they arrive, Wei Ying feels tired from the journey, though they have only been sitting for the long hours of travel. But Gusu is familiar to him, and it reminds him of a long-ago time when he was a different person, carefree and rebellious. It's safe, despite the rules and restrictions he remembers. The rules were easier to break, and the punishments were bearable.

Holding Lan Zhan's hand, Wei Ying walks in silence, not looking at either of his companions.

Wei Wuxian, he thinks, remembering the person that he was. It was so long ago.

Lan Zhan doesn't want to stop his affections, warming up what's cold inside of him, the cold he placed inside of him to help protect him from being hurt. But he won't smother more than necessary. Even if Wei Ying doesn't feel like receiving or returning it, it's fine by him.

He nips at his hand, "Wei Ying...all right." And held him in his arms.

Gusu hasn't change since the day Wei Ying left to return home to Lotus Pier. The all too familair rules was carved on the stone on the wall of discipline and the winding stairs that leads up to the homes of the Gusu Lan clan family. "One step at a time." He said, as held Wei Ying's hands, climbing up the steps of the stairs that is built on the mountains and hills.

He share a few words with his brother, then bid him good-bye, as they parted. Then with slow deliberate steps, he leads Wei Ying to the familiar jingshi, to his house.

Sliding open the door for his beloved to step in, "Wei Ying. We're here. We're home."

Wei Ying doesn't know the jingshi, but he's curious about it. He steps inside upon invitation, and pokes around to investigate the place. It's small compared to the rest of the cloud recesses, but cozy and pleasant. Wei Ying likes it at once. It's more cozy than anything else he's seen in the cloud recesses.

Tired from the long day of travel and the long walk, Wei Ying sits down on the bed. He feels empty and blank.

His master will want pleasure now. He said as much.

But there is also food to be had, and liquor promised. Wei Ying doesn't ask for these things. Even if his master doesn't remember, Wei Ying doesn't intend to annoy him with it. If his master wants only pleasure and doesn't bother with food or liquor for Wei Ying, he won't mind.

He stays quiet and waits to be told what to do.

Pleasure isn't what on his mind at the moment. Lan Zhan is also equally tired, blank and numb from having to endure from the last month. It seems like ages since he last left his home to go in search for him, that it took a few moments to recognize his own house, slightly disoriented, but this is his childhood home that used to belong to his honorable mother.

Lan Zhan went to check his food stores because he's hungry and thirsty from the journey too. There's nothing. The cupboards and fridge is empty. Save for a bottle of water and tea, and that was it.

He poured tea for himself and Wei Ying. "Drink something. I'll go to the neighbors to see if they have anything to spare. What would you like for dinner? Soup? Rice? Noodles?"

"Whatever you please, master," Wei Ying says, quiet and blank. He accepts the tea, sipping at it gratefully.

Part of him is lonely and aching, crying out for Lan Zhan. He wants to be held, wants to fuss and pout sweetly until Lan Zhan wraps him up in his arms and keeps him warm. In Lan Zhan's arms, nothing can ever hurt him.

Another part of him wants to be left alone, and seethes at the thought of being touched.

Wei Ying tries to ignore both these parts. He sips his tea and waits to be told what to do.

Lan Zhan tighten his lips, not liking this at all. Wei Ying sounded so hollow and monotone, and he was used to him the weeks prior of training for the tests. Now there's no more tests, no more drugs, no more training, and he becomes like this. But at the moment, there's nothing he can do.

Softly, "...Wei Ying." There's a deep sigh, feeling a great guilt over his state.

"Stay here Wei Ying. I'll be right back. If you need to sleep, you can sleep. I'll go to the neighbors and asked for food."

At that, Lan Zhan left. Sliding the door open and closing the door. During this time, he went to his brother's house closeby since he's the first person he thought of to ask. He wasn't gone for that long when he he came back with a plastic bag, containing fresh food.

"I have homemade dumplings and apples. Come on over, and have something to eat. It's something to tide over until I figure out what to do tomorrow morning." As Lan Zhan laid out the food on the table and assembled the dumpling and dipping sauce by plates and then cutting up the apples in neat slices. He missed eating something good and wholesome, not having Gusu homemade food for so long.

"Apples...we have a donkey named Lil'apple, do you remember her? She is still in the stables. We should go greet her tomorrow morning.

Wei Ying was always drawn to food. He went to the table and accepted some of the dumplings, eating them hungrily while he kept an eye on Lan Zhan.

While Lan Zhan had been gone, he had not moved. It seemed wrong to lay down without him, and Wei Ying was hesitant to undress. So he had simply sat and waited.

His head lifted at the mention of the donkey, surprised and interested. "You have my donkey?"

He'd simply assumed that she'd been killed in the process of his capture, or abandoned somewhere in the Yiling area. Wei Ying doesn't know how she arrived here, but he's grateful for it. Knowing his donkey is here makes everything feel a little bit more normal.

"Mn. I found her when I went searching for you. I couldn't find you anywhere. I brought her back because it was too dangerous for her to remain there. I went looking for you again."

Lan Zhan eats slowly, using chopsticks to lift one dumpling at a time. It seems his hunger pangs was too great, so food light as it is becomes settled in his stomach until he had enough.

"..." He drinks his tea. He was trembling from revisiting his memories, suppressing his grief and despair as searching for him for miles on foot and dragging the traumatized donkey out of his own kindness to give her a home, and afterward have the juniors to look after her as he continues his search.

When he's done, it's time for bed which he goes to collapse on. Too exhausted. He missed this bed, which is more roomier and comfortable than those terrible beds in the center. Within the blanket and sheets, with the scent of sandalwood, incense, and books that is shelved throughout his home.

On the bed now, he whispered softly, "Come lie with me, Wei Ying."

Wei Ying eats the dumplings, and the apples, and the tea, and he thinks of his donkey.

He is quiet and withdrawn, remembering the things that happened before the re-education center, the things that belonged to another man entirely. He is no longer that Wei Wuxian. He is not sure if he ever will be again.

When Lan Zhan asks for him, Wei Ying sets down his chopsticks. He isn't sure if it's obedience or desire that drives him. If nothing else, he supposes, it is cowardice. He has no energy to have this quarrel now, if there is a quarrel to be had. At some point, he thinks, he may find out whether he is allowed to tell Lan Zhan 'no'.

For now, he goes to the bed. He is tired and cold, and he wants physical and emotional comfort. Lan Zhan provides both. Wei Ying nestles into his arms.

With a full belly, with Wei Ying nestled in his arms, curling up with him on the bed, his own bed, keeping him warm, at last something in his mind feels safe, that is registered they're both safe at last to express their deeper longings and yearnings. He can finally sleep in peace. Being a swordsman for most of his life, there's always that reflex of wanting to attack others, but suppressing his anger and rage, not wanting to commit violence, and get them both hurt, especially his Wei Ying. He can finally rest.

Slender fingers stroke through Wei Ying's hair and rubbing his back, eyes closed, heavy with sleep, about to drift off. In the quiet of the night, he whispers to him, speaking from his heart, to warm the cold within Wei Ying that is resisting him.

"You are here in Cloud recess at last. I want you here with me, my Wei Ying."

Wei Ying hugs his arms around Lan Zhan's neck, but he does not reply. Nuzzling his face against Lan Zhan's shoulder, Wei Ying clings close to him.

They are in the re-education center. They are free, and safe. Wei Ying isn't sure what is real.

Only Lan Zhan exists. Only Lan Zhan matters.

Wei Ying does not speak or reply, because there's nothing to say. Whatever his master wishes is law. His master wants him here, so he is here.

He sleeps fitfully, clinging tight to Lan Zhan whenever he wakes and finds that his arms have loosened.

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