marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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Adam didn't like any phrase that started with 'when you've calmed down'.

"Great," he said, all bitterness. "I'll let you know when I've calmed down and you can let me know when you figure out what you want, and maybe in about five years we can try this again."

Heading out the door, Adam slammed it behind himself for good measure, and then went quickly to his room, sinking down onto the bed and shaking badly.

Staring at the door, Alec felt his heart sink. First Magnus, now Adam. Next time Izzy told him to make a move when he was attracted to someone, he was going to ignore her. It wasn't worth the frustration.

Or the hurt.

Which Alec was going to very carefully ignore.

Muttering under his breath, he grabbed his gear, knowing that sparring or practicing archery on the roof wasn't going to help him deal with what was going on. Texting Jace, he told him to meet him in the armory. His parabatai probably needed a good fight to deal with his own heartbreak.

After a few hours of patrolling and cleaning out a small den of demons, they returned. Not bothering to heal the bruises and scrapes he'd acquired, he showered and headed for bed. It'd probably be another early morning but a stamina rune would keep him alert through even the classes he didn't understand.

Adam was startled in the morning when he met up with Alec and his bodyguard was covered in bruises and cuts. He would have been more upset and surprised if he weren't used to Ronan getting into fights every other day, but at least that helped him associate bruises with something other than his father.

He stared at Alec for a few moments, wanting to ask what had happened and if he was okay, but he was pretty sure that this was something Alec had gotten into himself, and Adam didn't feel it was his place to intrude upon that. He stayed quiet as they made their way to his classes, and when the subway car jolted and knocked Adam into Alec's chest, he tried to ignore the lurch in his heart or the heat on his cheeks as he steadied himself with a hand on Alec's chest and then quickly pulled away.

They had a lunch break between classes, but Adam didn't have much money left and everything he had would need to go to refill his subway card, so he just found them a spot on the quad, sitting on a low wall with his legs crossed and ignoring his rumbling stomach. He didn't think that Alec wanted to talk to him, so he didn't say anything, just opened his textbook on his lap to study.

When Adam stared at him, Alec knew it was because of the lingering signs of the hunt the night night before. An iratze would have healed them, but Alec hadn't seen the point in using one unless he needed to. The bruises might keep most people away while they were out of the Institute. He arched an eyebrow at Adam, silently daring him to say anything, pleased when he didn't comment. The less they spoke, the better.

Alec made sure that there was minimal contact between them, briefly steadying Adam when he fell against him, ignoring the blush that would have caused him to smile the day before. It wasn't going to work between them no matter how much he'd hoped before. Everything would work out if he remembered that and kept to his role as bodyguard.

During their break between classes, he sat beside Adam, scanning the students that walked by for any sign of anything unusual. He tried his best to ignore the mundane beside him until Adam's growling stomach finally had him digging for his wallet. Pulling out some cash, he held it out to Adam. "Go get some food."

Adam looked at the money, then up at Alec, then returned his attention to his book. "No."

Alec had made clear that he was going to get paid, but that formal negotiation hadn't happened yet, and Adam wasn't going to accept money outside of the fair agreement relating to that negotiation.

He pretended to resume studying, but now he was much too alert of Alec at his side, wondering whether Alec would accept the rejection or if he'd try to get around it somehow. Adam turned over the problem in his mind, finding a solution that would work for him and his pride, but not for Alec's stubbornness. He considered that solution anyway, making his own quiet calculations as he waited to see how Alec would try to solve the problem.

Alec understood pride. Lightwoods had it in abundance. That was the reason why his parents had pushed them so hard and Alec had almost ended up getting married. He also knew that pride and safety didn't always fit together neatly.

If it weren't for that, he would have accepted the no and let Adam continue studying. If he was working with Jace, he would have known what to say. Life was so much easier when it was just the three of them. He missed those days even if he'd been constantly living a lie.

"The Institute's paying expenses, remember. Room and board." Giving Adam a flat look, he considered if he should push. With Jace, he wouldn't. With Adam... why not. He was going to be angry at Alec no matter what he did. "And I don't want to worry about you collapsing because of hunger if we're ambushed."

Adam shut his book and looked up at Alec when he expressed a want, even if it was oblique and focused on Adam's needs rather than his own. He watched Alec's eyes for a moment, feeling defensive and stubborn, but he still wanted Alec close, wanted Alec's attention, and wanted Alec to be safe and content.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, soft and with a hint of challenge in his words. It was clear to him that this wasn't going to work unless Alec could acknowledge and communicate his own desires. From Adam's perspective, that was what had gone wrong. Alec had been so focused on trying to puzzle out and pre-empt Adam's needs and desires while Adam had wanted to know Alec's needs and desires, and the miscommunication had caused everything to implode.

He could feel Adam watching him, but he ignored the sensation that it caused. The back of his neck itched or his habit of fidgeting was trying to make itself known. He didn't have to move. He was trained not to move if the situation called for stillness. Even when he really did want to look over at Adam.

"It doesn't matter if I'm hungry or not." Yes, he was, but he could ignore that too. He'd done it enough times over the years that it was almost habit. Why did Adam have to make everything a challenge? It was almost as bad as negotiating with the Seelie. Maybe Adam did have Seelie blood. That would explain so much... "I honor the Institute's promises and we promised to feed you. So get something to eat."

“It matters to me,” Adam said, soft and stubborn. He watched Alec for a second longer, then re-opened his book. “If you’re not hungry, then I’m not either. If you want to get something for yourself, I’ll go with you. I’m not taking your money.”

If Alec got himself food and not-so-accidentally ordered twice as much as he needed, Adam could accept that. But taking money from Alec and calculating for only his own hunger wasn’t something Adam was willing to do. He didn’t have the money for lunch, so he wouldn’t eat.

He was right. It was as bad as dealing with the Seelie. Twisting words around and making a being think that everything was okay, then they fell into whatever verbal trap had been set. Nothing was every simple or straightforward because obviously what Alec wanted didn't matter. It rarely did. Adam might say that it was important, but Alec knew it wasn't.

Rubbing his bruised knuckles, he sighed. If he didn't do something, Adam was going to try to wait him out, which wouldn't work. "It's obvious that you are hungry." Which meant Alec would have to do something or they'd be stuck arguing until Adam's stubbornness got the better of him. "We'll go get lunch." Which was not admitting whether he was hungry or not. Adam wouldn't eat if Alec didn't. He needed to do his job. It did not mean that he was letting Adam get past his guard again. He'd learned his lesson.

Adam snapped his book shut. “Here’s one thing I do know about relationships. It means caring about each other’s needs and wants. If you won’t let me care about yours, I’m not going to let you care about mine. I’m not going to take your charity. If you’re just my bodyguard, then when I get back to the institute I’ll negotiate with whoever is in charge of seeing to it that I get paid for my services.”

Stuffing his book into his bag, he stood up, but he faced Alec down rather than heading toward the food court. “I know you want to date me because you said so. I want to date you. I want to kiss you. If you want to get food for yourself, I’ll have some of it. But I will not be fed like I’m your child or your pet. Okay?”

Alec knew what he should say. He knew what Izzy would tell him to say but instead he gritted his teeth and remained silent. Every time he spoke, things spiraled out of control. If he said what he was thinking, Adam would probably punch him. By the Angel, it really was like dealing with Jace, except he'd never angered Alec the way Adam seemed to be able to.

"The person you'll negotiate with is me," he said, keeping his tone neutral. "I'll have everything set up by tomorrow morning." Even if he had to spend the entire night debating with the Clave, he'd get it done.

"I would have made the same offer to Izzy or Jace," he snapped, pushing away from the wall and shoving his hands into his jacket. He wouldn't say anything about dating since it was obvious that particular idea had been a foolish one. "Call either one of them my pet and see what happens." He was tempted to say something, but he knew that Adam would probably ditch him somewhere if he did. Reminding himself that his duties were more important than winning an argument, he glared over toward the food court. "We're going to have to hurry if you don't want to be late to class."

Adam sat down slowly, eyes on the ground, because he didn't know how to make this work. "I didn't mean to have created a situation where you're being punished for not sorting out my pay sooner."

Sighing, he shook his head once and bent his knee up and rested his forehead against it. The way that Alec had completely ignored all suggestion of them dating felt like it could only have one implication. He'd fucked up his chance with Alec, and Alec had realized that Adam wasn't worth the headache. "Now I genuinely don't feel like eating. Is that it, then? Offer rescinded, and you don't want to date me anymore?"

"I'm not going to be punished for it. I thought it was resolved and it wasn't. I'll fix it." Maryse probably wouldn't even care that the contract hadn't been finished. It had meant that the Institute wasn't paying another expense even if it had been promised to Adam.

"You need to eat." The comment was automatic, made hundreds of times before to his siblings whenever they forgot to take care of themselves. It'd probably make Adam angry but everything Alec said did that. "You're the one that gave me an ultimatum. You said wait five years. You're the one that twisted me trying to be understanding into... I don't know what. Any time I try to be nice you attack me." Scrubbing a hand through his hair, he blurted out something that he knew was going to make everything worse. "You don't get to attack me any time things don't go your own way."

"Fuck you," Adam snapped, hurt. "You want me to abandon my pride, and when I try to find a compromise, you won't yield an inch. You can't even tell me whether you're hungry. I said no, you forced the issue. If being 'nice' to me is deciding what I want without asking me and forcing the issue whenever I say no, then I don't want to be around you."

Adam's shoulders trembled, but he kept his head down. He wanted to make this work, was willing to struggle for it, but he felt like he was the only one willing to offer any compromise, and when every inch he yielded his pride cost him sorely, he wasn't going to keep trying.

This wasn't what Alec had intended to happen, but he still felt like every time things went wrong, Adam attacked him. When he tried to be understanding Adam lashed out at him. "You said you wanted to talk then you came on to me. I didn't know how to react to that when I thought you needed to talk. I didn't want to kiss you when you were angry. I didn't want either one of us to make decisions when we were angry."

Letting out a frustrated huff, he glanced around the to make sure no one was taking advantage of their very public fight. It'd be a perfect time for someone to to attack. "If I didn't know you better, I would have thought..." Which was why he'd gone out with Jace to hunt demons. So he wouldn't think terrible things about Adam sudden announcement about being bi.

"I said it didn't matter because it doesn't. That's the truth." The truth that he'd been told for years. His needs didn't matter as long as he was able to fight. "You are more important than me so you being hungry was more important. I broke a promise and I tried to fix it. And I thought you deserved more than my leftovers if we did get something to eat."

By the Angel, why was he trying to explain? Adam wouldn't care what he said. After another look around to see that they were safe, he dug in his pocket for his phone. "I'll call Izzy. She'll take over for me after your class."

Adam reached out without looking, missed, and grabbed Alec’s phone on the second try. Not to take it from him, but just to prevent him from making the call. It meant a lot to him to hear that he mattered to Alec, and that was enough to get him to keep trying.

“I need you to try to let it matter to me,” Adam said, shoulders still shaking as he tried to regain control of himself. “Compromise is hard for me. I’ve been beaten bloody plenty of times for not yielding my pride. I’m trying. This is the compromise I need from you. If I ask you what you want, or what you’re feeling, I need you to try to give me an answer other than ‘it doesn’t matter’.”

He had some idea of how difficult his request would be, but as long as he knew Alec was trying for him, Adam was ready to keep trying in return. “Please,” he murmured, having to choke out that word.

He almost ducked away from Adam when he reached for the phone, unsure of what the magician planned. Not pulling away when Adam caught the phone, he stared down at him, waiting for... he wasn't sure, but he didn't expect an offer of compromise.

Or to know that what he'd guessed about Adam's past was true. He was like Jace in some ways. His parabatai had been beaten regularly for the slightest error or for wanting things that Valentine had thought would 'make him soft'. And just like with Jace, Adam would probably be furious if he acknowledged that abuse.

"I can try." That was all that Alec could promise. Thinking of himself as important was new. It went against what had been drilled into him for years and what his own personal code demanded. If he got hurt protecting his siblings, it didn't matter. If he lost something he wanted so that they could be happy, he would accept that situation and not dwell on it. At least not often.

"But I don't always know what I want or what I'm feeling because I've spent years suppressing those things. Not because I'm gay but because that's what Shadowhunters are supposed to do." Or certain ones like Jace or Alec. The ones that had to be perfect. "We were taught from the beginning that we're resources, not..."

Slowly he held out his free hand, letting Adam decide if he wanted to take it or not. "I will try to compromise but there are some things I refuse to do. We can talk about them, but I doubt I'll change my mind."

Adam took his free hand immediately, winding their fingers together and pulling him in a little closer. “Let’s go get lunch.” Adam forced himself not to think about the finances of it with great effort. The compromise mattered more. “If you’re hungry,” he said, because he needed to get something from Alec, to confirm that they were both in this compromise together.

“I’ll skip my next class. I’d rather spend the time with you.” Getting up, Adam stepped close to him, keeping hold of Alec’s hands. “I’m pretty sure we’re both difficult, and I don’t know if this is going to work, but I think you’re worth the effort. If you want me, if you’ll try for me, I’ll try.”

Staring briefly at their joined hands, he couldn't quite believe that Adam had agreed to compromise. He'd been certain that his need to protect himself or to maintain his pride would keep them from trying dating again. They hadn't even had a date yet. "I am. I - uh - have a fast metabolism. Because of - " Pausing, nodding toward one of the runes on his arm.

Alec almost asked if it was a date, but decided that they needed to work things out more before suggesting that. "You shouldn't skip your class. If you're willing to put yourself in danger to go, then it's important." It was a suggestion, not an order. "Difficult and I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like." But he knew the fighting was dangerous for them both. "I do want you. I think you're worth the effort."

"It's important," Adam agreed. "I've sacrificed a lot for it." And he knew that they both had a thorough understanding of what sacrifice meant and that Adam did not use the word casually. "You're important, too."

Adam let go of Alec's phone hand to let him finally put it away, and slid that arm around Alec's waist, resting his head against Alec's shoulder for a couple of seconds, glad that they were cooperating with each other for the time being.

His stomach grumbled loudly to interrupt the moment and Adam huffed out a laugh, stepping back but keeping hold of Alec's hand as he turned toward the food court. "I don't know anything about a healthy relationship, either. I had a girlfriend for a couple months. We fought all the time and didn't even kiss."

"But you can talk to me after class. I'll be there so you'll be spending time with me." Watching Adam, he waited to see if he had crossed a line. "Then you can show off all the things you learned that I don't understand."

Slipping his phone into his pocket, he tried not to stutter or do anything too idiotic when Adam put his arm around his waist. Wrapping his arm around Adam's shoulders, he tried not to overthink the situation, reminding himself that there was no reason to hide anymore.

There was no reason why he had to avoid PDA. Everyone that was important knew. The people who mattered still supported him.

Smiling at Adam, he was tempted to agree with skipping class when they were interrupted by a very obvious sign that they should get lunch. Letting Adam the way, he shook his head at how annoyed Adam seemed over the kiss. "I don't think our first kiss should be when we're angry." He pretended to scowl as they headed toward the food court. "If we do kiss, you'll still be younger than I was the first time I was kissed."

"How old are you?" Adam asked, curious. He knew that Alec was older, but he didn't know by how much. It did make him feel a little better to know that nineteen wasn't unreasonably old to have his first kiss.

As they entered the food court, Adam considered for a moment, then made a decision and turned them toward the burrito place. It was still an active stumbling block in his head, the idea of letting his friend--boyfriend?--pay for him, but Adam forced it down again. He was choosing Alec, and that meant that they both had to compromise and try to overcome their pride.

"Do you need to tell me about the things where you won't compromise, or are they the things you've already said?" Adam asked, as they waited in line. "Your duty, protecting your siblings."

"Twenty-three." He knew that most Mundanes would find it strange that he hadn't dated before even if he was in the closet. It was strange even by Shadowhunter standards, but it hadn't seemed as important as trying to prove he could be Head of the Institute. Now, his perceptions of what was important were changing.

Alec knew that Adam would be bothered by letting him pay for lunch, but wasn't sure how to help make it easier without calling the meal a date. "You can pay next time we get food?" he suggested, wondering if that would work. By tomorrow Adam wouldn't have to worry about expenses. He'd be making more than Alec did even when he was Head of the Institute.

"Some of them might come up later." It wasn't something that he'd really thought of, but he knew that if he said certain things about their argument, they'd start fighting again. "If we get food, we share it." It was probably a stupid thing to get hung up on when he let his siblings steal from his plate whenever they wanted. Most of the time he gave them some of the best items he ordered, but that seemed different than what Adam had suggested. "Usually there isn't anything left over. I can't go home hungry or Izzy will try to feed me."

“I’ll buy lunch tomorrow,” Adam agreed. “And I’ll try to do better at keeping you fed.” He wasn’t used to looking out for anyone but himself, and it hadn’t occurred to him to worry over making sure Alec ate. He’d been too caught up in his own calculations of money and food to realize that he’d been preventing Alec from eating.

Keeping hold of Alec’s hand, Adam rubbed his thumb along the side of Alec’s. He felt happy to be simply holding hands with someone who wanted to be holding hands with him.

He kept quiet as they got food and headed outside to eat, since the weather was sunny. Sitting close beside Alec so their knees touched, Adam watched him quietly for a couple minutes. “I do want to take it slow,” he said at last, then bit and chewed, thinking over his words before letting them out. “With sex. I want to kiss you, and I like being in contact with you. I’m not ready for anything past that.”

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