marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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"You were using me kissing Magnus as a way to hide." He probably should be angry or at least annoyed by that but Alec had been hiding for years. Adam deserved to have time to figure things out.

Making a thoughtful sound, Alec was about to ask if Adam needed more time when he asked to find somewhere less public to talk. "Where would you feel comfortable?" Alec assumed Adam would prefer his own room, but there might be somewhere else that he felt safer. That had been something Alec had needed when he'd finally forced himself to talk to Izzy about being gay.

"Your room or mine." Adam hadn't yet been inside of Alec's room, other than glances from the doorway. But he felt comfortable around Alec, and simply assumed that he'd be comfortable inside Alec's space. That way they could talk--possibly kiss--without any fear of someone else walking in and judging them.

His fingers brushed over Alec's hand briefly, thinking about holding his hand, but that seemed a little too public just yet. "It wasn't just Magnus. I didn't think I had a chance with you."

Adam's room seemed to be the obvious choice, but he wasn't certain that they would have the same amount of privacy as if they were in his. Few of the Shadowhunters at the Institute thought highly of their new magician, thinking that he was just a Mundane with a lofty title. To them, Adam didn't deserve the same respect that as a Nephilim. If someone showed up at Alec's door, they would probably knock before entering. "My room would probably be the most private."

Catching Adam's hand briefly before standing, Alec looked down at him in confusion. "Why wouldn't you have a chance with me?"

Adam held onto Alec’s hand for a moment as they stood, warmed by the knowledge that Alec wanted him and thought he was worth wanting. He gave him a sweet, shy, tentative smile with just a hint of playfulness. “You’re the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure you should be dating some supermodel or movie star. And if you’re going to settle, you ought to settle for someone without a temper.”

He believed that, but he also wanted Alec, and wanted badly to make himself into someone who could be seen with Alec and people would think that they were equal. If he could have Alec, he’d work to be worth him.

For a few seconds Alec was distracted by the closeness they were sharing and the smile that Adam gave him. He knew that he shouldn't be effected by such simple things, but after days of thinking Adam hated him, he couldn't quite control that reaction. "I'm not." How could Adam think he was the hottest guy he'd ever seen when the Institute was filled with stunning people? "Even if I wanted one, I don't think a supermodel or movie star would want to be part of my life." For more reasons than Alec being grumpy and terrible at being social.

"Everyone has a temper and you're - " Alec struggled for a moment, trying to think of how to describe how attractive Adam was to him, but the words kept sounding wrong. They felt trite or like something out of those romance novels Izzy read. "I've only been interested in three guys. That means you're special to me."

As they walked to his room, he forced himself not to ask a certain question until they were inside and the door locked. "Do you need more time to figure things out?"

“I took the time I needed to be sure.” Adam stepped close so that they were almost chest to chest, watching Alec’s face and smiling at the way Alec looked at him. Alec’s reassurance that he was special helped, and Adam could accept it more easily than bare flattery. “How dare you tell me you’re not the hottest guy I’ve ever seen?” Grinning a little, Adam very lightly set his hands on Alec’s waist. His heart was thudding, but this time he felt like it might overflow with happiness and affection. “Nobody else has ever turned me into a blushing wreck before. You’re a hazard and a menace.”

After Adam trying to keep as much distance between them as possible, Alec didn't expect him to suddenly forget about personal space. "I told you that because I know who else lives in the Institute." Beings who were far more attractive than him and more interesting. If they considered the Downworlders who occasionally visited, Alec wasn't anywhere in the list of the 'hottest' people at the Institute.

Somehow even with all those people that he could have been interested in, Adam had thought he was the one worth having a crisis over. That still didn't seem real until Adam grinned at him and placed his hands on Alec's hips. Realizing that he was starting to blush, he took a slow breath, trying to keep from looking too much like an idiot. "That suggests that I did it on purpose. I had no idea that you'd be interested in me."

"Oh, I know you didn't do it on purpose," Adam assured him, teasing. He loved seeing Alec blushing and happy like this, and it was a thrill to know that it was because of him. Adam had never before had power like this over another person, to make someone else happy, and it felt incredible.

"There is no one hotter than you at the Institute," Adam told him sincerely, still grinning and blushing as he watched Alec's face. One of his thumbs stirred, rubbing lightly at Alec's side through the fabric of his shirt.

It seemed strange that they had went from tolerating each other to smiling at each other like they were a pair of teenagers. Mundane teenagers since he'd never seen Shadowhunters of any age smiling at each other the way Adam was smiling at him. Even his parents had never been that happy, even when Alec was a little boy.

"Wait a few days. I'm sure that someone will turn up," he teased. Eventually, he'd believe what Adam said. Others had thought he was attractive but that had only lasted until someone saw Izzy or Jace. The only one who had ignored his siblings was Magnus. Maybe there was something about him that made magic users think he was interesting?

His eyes widened slightly when Adam began rubbing his side. That was definitely something he hadn't expected after all the avoidance. "This isn't exactly talking..." He didn't mind but he also wasn't sure if this was a good idea if Adam had just realized he liked guys.

"Okay." Adam let go of him quickly, not wanting to make Alec uncomfortable. Blushing, he sank down onto the bed. He didn't know how to handle a relationship, and with Blue, everything he'd done had only made everything worse. Touching Alec had made Alec uncomfortable, and Adam didn't know what was okay to do.

"We can talk." He didn't know what to talk about, and he hadn't actually meant talking when he'd suggested that they go and talk somewhere private. He'd just wanted to be with Alec, and to kiss him.

Realizing that he hadn't quite handled the situation the right way, he sat down next to Adam, making sure that there was contact between them. Just enough that they could feel the warmth of each other and Adam could touch if he wanted. He hadn't minded being touched, but Alec didn't want to go too fast with someone who might have the type of freak outs that he'd went through before he accepted his sexuality.

Adam had said he wanted to talk but instead he'd... Oh.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Alec let out a sigh, wishing he had a little more experience with dating. It'd probably been one of those comments that Magnus would have described as 'being coy'. "Talking didn't mean talking?" he guessed. "Is it like Jace's book club?" Which Alec had heard more than enough of. He was surprised he hadn't been traumatized by it when he was younger. "Um - a nice way to say you want to have sex?"

"Book club?" Adam asked, and then went red in surprise and embarrassment when Alec suggested going straight to sex. "We haven't even kissed," he stammered, feeling awkward because he wanted both more and less, and he didn't have any idea how to behave. Alec had suggested slowing down when Adam had touched him, and now he was implying sex instead.

His only relationship experience was with Blue, which had gone horribly and had never gotten to kissing, and he had no idea how Shadowhunter culture might make for different dating customs or expectations.

"I know. That's why I'm not sure - It wasn't like book club?" Why was dating so difficult? They hadn't even been on a date or kissed and they were trying to figure out sex. "You said you wanted to talk. I thought that maybe you weren't ready to date yet because you just realized you're bi." Izzy should be proud. He was using his words, even if they might not make sense. Alec should get credit for effort.

He was making a mess of things just because he didn't know what to do once someone asked him out. "I didn't know what you were expecting. The other day you didn't want me to stay with you and then..." Talking hadn't meant talking.

"I do want to talk," Adam said, getting more heated out of defensiveness. "And I wanted to touch you." He tensed up, shoulders lifting, and he considered retreating and curling away from Alec, but he liked the warmth of Alec beside him and he didn't want to pull away from that.

"I said that I wanted to date, and that I was sure," he snapped, looking down at the floor and only glancing at Alec from the sides of his eyes. "Can you just... tell me whether you're okay with something I'm doing and ask if you want something more instead of trying to interpret what I said like it's some kind of secret code?" He was definitely never going to use 'book club' as code for sex.

"It sure sounds like you want to talk," he snarked before he realized that was a bad idea. He wasn't talking to someone he was close to that knew to let those kinds of comments slide. "For the past few days you could barely looked at me and then suddenly you're - I don't know what you were doing."

Touching him, obviously, but people didn't touch him. Not unless they were family. Most beings stayed away from him.

"I thought maybe talking meant you had some things to deal with like I did when I realized I was gay." By the Angel, why was he getting in trouble for being nice. It reminded him of how Clary snapped at him. Why were Mundanes so frustrating? "I didn't say I wanted anything more." Standing up, he began to pace, rubbing the heel of his hand. "I was trying to figure out what you wanted. Clary and Simon talk in some kind of weird, Mundane code. Isn't that normal?"

"No," Adam snapped at him, feeling confused and isolated. "I don't know. If it is, I don't know it."

He wasn't even sure what they were fighting about, but Alec was further away from him now and Adam felt alone and unwanted. None of this made any sense, and Adam couldn't tell whether he'd done something wrong. He didn't want to guess wrong again, and Alec's pacing made it feel like he was bursting to get away from Adam. "Stop it. Stop trying to solve me and just tell me what you want to be happening."

Sometimes he really wished that he was an eloquent as his siblings. Even Max was better at social conventions than Alec was and he had tried to set an Institute on fire.

"I'm not trying to solve you, I was trying to help." Which had gotten him in trouble like it had with Clary. This was why it was better when he kept his distance from everyone. There were few misunderstandings. He didn't get criticized when he attempted to do what was right. "I was trying to give you what I didn't have." A choice. Time to come to terms with aspects of his life that had been terrifying. "I don't know what I want to happen. I don't know what's supposed to happen."

"There's no 'supposed to'. There's just us. If we haven't agreed on a code, then there isn't one. If we haven't agreed on rules, then there aren't any. It's just us." Adam glared at him, wary and on-edge now. "Maybe when you figure out what I want, you can tell me, because it's sounding like you don't really want my input on the subject."

Adam stood up, looking away from him and taking a step toward the door. This was just like with Blue. He should leave, and never try liking anyone again.

"We could just sit together," Adam said, tone still sharp and defensive, body still turned toward the door. Alec didn't know what he wanted, and Adam was fed up with both of them trying to guess what the other wanted when neither of them knew. So he laid out a choice. "Or we could try kissing. Or I can leave. Which of those do you want?"

As Adam spoke, he stilled, automatically shifting to parade rest. Hands behind his back, defenses falling into place as he tried to hide the sudden hurt that Adam's words caused. He had been trying to be kind. To help. Offering Alec that chance talk that he'd asked for.

Now that Adam had started talking, Alec wished that the suggestion had never come up.

Why couldn't Adam look at him? If he didn't even want to be in the same room with him, why would he suggest kissing? Alec knew which choice he wanted. Kind of. He didn't really want to kiss someone who was angry at him. So that would be his choice. "When you've calmed down, we can discuss kissing."

Adam didn't like any phrase that started with 'when you've calmed down'.

"Great," he said, all bitterness. "I'll let you know when I've calmed down and you can let me know when you figure out what you want, and maybe in about five years we can try this again."

Heading out the door, Adam slammed it behind himself for good measure, and then went quickly to his room, sinking down onto the bed and shaking badly.

Staring at the door, Alec felt his heart sink. First Magnus, now Adam. Next time Izzy told him to make a move when he was attracted to someone, he was going to ignore her. It wasn't worth the frustration.

Or the hurt.

Which Alec was going to very carefully ignore.

Muttering under his breath, he grabbed his gear, knowing that sparring or practicing archery on the roof wasn't going to help him deal with what was going on. Texting Jace, he told him to meet him in the armory. His parabatai probably needed a good fight to deal with his own heartbreak.

After a few hours of patrolling and cleaning out a small den of demons, they returned. Not bothering to heal the bruises and scrapes he'd acquired, he showered and headed for bed. It'd probably be another early morning but a stamina rune would keep him alert through even the classes he didn't understand.

Adam was startled in the morning when he met up with Alec and his bodyguard was covered in bruises and cuts. He would have been more upset and surprised if he weren't used to Ronan getting into fights every other day, but at least that helped him associate bruises with something other than his father.

He stared at Alec for a few moments, wanting to ask what had happened and if he was okay, but he was pretty sure that this was something Alec had gotten into himself, and Adam didn't feel it was his place to intrude upon that. He stayed quiet as they made their way to his classes, and when the subway car jolted and knocked Adam into Alec's chest, he tried to ignore the lurch in his heart or the heat on his cheeks as he steadied himself with a hand on Alec's chest and then quickly pulled away.

They had a lunch break between classes, but Adam didn't have much money left and everything he had would need to go to refill his subway card, so he just found them a spot on the quad, sitting on a low wall with his legs crossed and ignoring his rumbling stomach. He didn't think that Alec wanted to talk to him, so he didn't say anything, just opened his textbook on his lap to study.

When Adam stared at him, Alec knew it was because of the lingering signs of the hunt the night night before. An iratze would have healed them, but Alec hadn't seen the point in using one unless he needed to. The bruises might keep most people away while they were out of the Institute. He arched an eyebrow at Adam, silently daring him to say anything, pleased when he didn't comment. The less they spoke, the better.

Alec made sure that there was minimal contact between them, briefly steadying Adam when he fell against him, ignoring the blush that would have caused him to smile the day before. It wasn't going to work between them no matter how much he'd hoped before. Everything would work out if he remembered that and kept to his role as bodyguard.

During their break between classes, he sat beside Adam, scanning the students that walked by for any sign of anything unusual. He tried his best to ignore the mundane beside him until Adam's growling stomach finally had him digging for his wallet. Pulling out some cash, he held it out to Adam. "Go get some food."

Adam looked at the money, then up at Alec, then returned his attention to his book. "No."

Alec had made clear that he was going to get paid, but that formal negotiation hadn't happened yet, and Adam wasn't going to accept money outside of the fair agreement relating to that negotiation.

He pretended to resume studying, but now he was much too alert of Alec at his side, wondering whether Alec would accept the rejection or if he'd try to get around it somehow. Adam turned over the problem in his mind, finding a solution that would work for him and his pride, but not for Alec's stubbornness. He considered that solution anyway, making his own quiet calculations as he waited to see how Alec would try to solve the problem.

Alec understood pride. Lightwoods had it in abundance. That was the reason why his parents had pushed them so hard and Alec had almost ended up getting married. He also knew that pride and safety didn't always fit together neatly.

If it weren't for that, he would have accepted the no and let Adam continue studying. If he was working with Jace, he would have known what to say. Life was so much easier when it was just the three of them. He missed those days even if he'd been constantly living a lie.

"The Institute's paying expenses, remember. Room and board." Giving Adam a flat look, he considered if he should push. With Jace, he wouldn't. With Adam... why not. He was going to be angry at Alec no matter what he did. "And I don't want to worry about you collapsing because of hunger if we're ambushed."

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