marlowemuses | The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

There had bee no other options. Someone had to guard the relics the Angel had given them. The Cup and Sword were too powerful to be left in mortal hands even those that had been blessed by the Angel. That power was too tempting no matter how noble Nephilim might be. There would always be someone, some group of someones, who would be seduced by the possibilities that those gifts represented.

Even centuries after the decision had been made, Alec wasn't sure why he had been chosen for this particular duty. His parabatai had been a better warrior. His sister was far more clever. But the Angel had chosen him. Perhaps because he was better able to accept the isolation of his divine task. His siblings would have been driven mad by loneliness after the first few decades.

There were times when Alec wondered if he would eventually succumb to insanity, but he had the books that he eventually became guardian of and the cats that somehow crept between worlds to keep him company. They weren't exactly cats, of course. They were built more like predators than pets, eyes glowing with flames instead of the usual nocturnal glow. No matter how frightening they looked, they were Alec's friends and they helped Alec protect the items the Angel had left in his care.

It was the cats that warned him that something was wrong at the gates. The largest of them howled a warning, hissing as she faced the gate. The rest of the pride ran to her as Alec sprinted for the gates. Something - Someone - was attacking. He felt the temple shiver its warning through him and he knew that no matter how impossible it seemed, someone had crossed the threshold between worlds.

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Whenever Adam asked him questions, Alec became more confident. This was something that he could do that was more than just being a guard and potentially having to harm someone when he hated the idea of hurting anyone. It helped that the book was familiar, but Latin was one of the first languages that he'd learned. Even if he didn't understand magic, he could understand the words in front of him. He could offer those to Adam.

"I'd like that. I have a basic idea of where it is but that's not the same as having you show me." Maybe if Adam pointed it out, Alec would have an idea of where Adam had been before he found the gate. "I don't know who it was. I was given a window - " No that wasn't quite right even if he'd thought of it that way in the past. "A mirror? That lets me see the outside world. I don't watch often. It - " Hurt too much if he saw the world beyond the temple too often. "It can become a distraction."

It puzzled and concerned Adam, the implication that the connection to the outside world was a distraction. Because Alec wasn't allowed to want things? Because it would tempt him to abandon his guardpost?

He kept his mouth shut on his wonderings, instead following Alec to a map and showing him on a map where Virginia was, where he was from, how the ley line moved through the valley.

"I have to go," he said, regretful. He wanted to stay and learn more from Alec. "I'll come back when I can."

The map was one of the larger ones that had stayed constant over the years. There'd been no blank spots on it or names that Alec couldn't read. It had become his main resource when trying to understand the modern world. When Adam pointed out Virginia, he wanted to ask what it was like, what his home was like. Alec still remembered pieces of his past and the place that he'd lived. The memories weren't always clear but maybe if Adam described his world, those details would become vivid again.

Instead he focused on the ley line, knowing that was more important than wanting to remember his own home. Looking up from his imagined plotting of the line along the valley, he tried to ignore the way his heart sunk when Adam said he had to go.

It shouldn't bother him. Alec had known that Adam couldn't stay. He didn't even like Alec so it shouldn't be a disappointment that he had to leave. Nodding as he put away the map, he kept his gaze away from the priestess so he didn't say something stupid like asking when Adam would return. "I'll walk you out, if you want."

Adam was quiet on the way out, already missing the temple. It was beautiful and pristine, so far removed from the tedium and filth of his everyday life that it seemed like a dream. Even Aglionby, which was the most wondrous building Adam knew, paled in comparison to the glory of the temple.

"Goodbye," he said, glancing once up at Alec before stepping through the gate and back to his world.

~

It was two days before he had an opportunity to return. He worked and studied, barely slept, surrendered a few hours to Gansey and one of his adventures, and then paid for those hours out of his own sleep when he had to catch up on studying later.

Busy as he was, Adam kept the temple guardian in the back of his mind, thinking of things from the mundane world that he could bring to offer the guardian experiences and knowledge that the temple couldn't give him.

When he finally returned, he had a water-stained copy of Cosmo and yesterday's national newspaper tucked under his arm, and both hands cupped very carefully around something.

He stepped through and then peeked into his hands, breathing a laugh of relief to find the little green caterpillar within was still alive and clinging to its leaf. Staying put, Adam waited for Alec. It was clear that Alec could tell when he arrived at the temple, and Adam didn't want to give him a reason to worry.

As they walked through the temple, Alec tried not to think. If he did, he reminded himself that the temple was his responsibility. He didn't have the right to be unhappy over the only person he'd seen in centuries leaving. Adam didn't even like him. He should be grateful that he had a brief amount of time with another person.

"Good bye." He couldn't quite keep the wistfulness out of his voice as he watched Adam walk through the gate and back to the mortal realm.

~

Even the cats were subdued after Adam left. Alec wasn't sure if they were picking up on his mood or if they were unhappy the priestess was gone. Persephone and Emily stayed with Alec constantly, almost tripping him whenever they were on the ground. He went through the daily tasks that were probably not necessary to the temple but kept him busy. There were always plants to tend and pets to feed. Archery practice and... he stayed away from the library. The books wouldn't be neglected if he didn't sort through and arrange them for a few days.

When he felt someone at the gate, the cats reacted before he did. They rushed off to see Adam, ignoring the food that Alec had been putting out for them. Shaking his head at their excitement, he followed after them, not sure if he felt that same excitement or dread over the priestess returning. He hadn't actually thought Adam would return. He had a life in the mortal world. Why return unless it was absolutely necessary?

Giving Adam a confused look when he realized that the priestess hadn't gone straight to the library, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Why did you wait for me?" Mentally he winced and tried to recover. "The temple is your place."

"I didn't want you to worry that I was an intruder," Adam explained, which seemed obvious to him. Even if Adam belonged here, it was still Alec's place first.

Stepping forward carefully, he offered his cupped hands. He didn't know if Alec would be disgusted or offended by being offered an insect, and Alec had been wary of approach up until he'd sat down next to Adam at the library table. "I brought you a new friend for your garden," he explained, trying not to think about the fact that he hadn't seen Alec's garden and didn't know if the caterpillar would be an invasive species. He'd worried that the temple might not allow the passage of a living creature and that the caterpillar would be killed or left upon the threshold when Adam had crossed over, but the temple had either respected Adam's intent or his cupped hands had been enough of a protective bubble to keep the caterpillar alive. "If I've remembered correctly, this kind transforms into a blue butterfly with yellow spots."

"Thank you?" Eventually Alec would get used to that thoughtfulness or Adam would realize he could come and go as he pleased. "The cats told me that it was you." If their streaking off to say hello hadn't been warning, the fact that they'd been trilling instead of hissing had told Alec that whoever had reached the gates wasn't a danger.

It felt strange to have someone near him that wasn't one of the cats, but Alec kept his reaction to himself, afraid that Adam would stop if he seemed uncomfortable. At least until he realized Adam was giving him something. Then curiosity drove away that unsettled feeling. "A friend?" Without thinking he stepped closer, cupping his hands around Adam's to see what the priestess had brought. He stared down at the caterpillar, trying not to think of how long it had been since he saw one that wasn't an illustration or through the mirror. It was real. Alive. Just like Adam. Just like Alec had been before he'd stepped through the gates.

"It's beautiful." He was almost afraid to touch it. "I don't remember blue ones. The ones I saw before were green or orange." Grinning at Adam, he thought of what it would be like to have something new and alive in the garden. "Thank you. There aren't butterflies here... except this one."

Adam’s cheeks went pink at the warm, steady strength of Alec’s hands around his own, and he stared at Alec’s grin, amazed that he’d pleased the reticent guardian so much. No one had ever reacted so warmly to something Adam had done, and he yearned for more of this kind of contract and validation. “I’m glad you like it,” Adam mumbled, blushing helplessly as he studied Alec’s face. He couldn’t bear to break the contact between them. The warmth of Alec’s hands felt like it reached all the way up Adam’s arms. “Brought you a newspaper and a magazine, too.”

Slowly his enthusiasm over the caterpillar shifted to the being holding the creature. For a moment, he couldn't stop himself from staring at Adam. It was rude. It would make Adam feel awkward and probably force more distance between them, but Alec couldn't look away. He'd never made someone, the right type of someone, blush before. Girls had blushed over things he'd said, whether the words deserved that reaction or not. His family had been powerful and most of those girls hoped to marry into a position with high status. He'd never made a boy blush or been given a gift by one that he might like. Only Jace but they were brothers. That was different.

And no one, not even Izzy, had given him something so precious. "I do. I knew that people could go through the gate, but I didn't know that other living things could." Looking down at the gift, Alec moved his hand so he could gently touch the caterpillar. It wiggled a bit, but didn't disappear like he expected. "Thank you for the newspaper and magazine." Which he should be more interested in but the caterpillar was more rare than the written word. "Sorry. I like those too, but haven't seen anything like this in centuries."

As Alec stared at him, Adam had the crazy, fleeting whim that it would be so easy to just lean forward and kiss him. He squelched the thought quickly, ducking his head, but it lingered near the back of his mind, because he didn't hate the idea. Part of his mind started processing that, pointing out that Alec was very handsome. Very fit, too. Intimidating in a way that was impressive. Attractive, which implied that Adam was attracted, which implied that he was capable of attraction to boys, which implied... that he was... gay?

"I think that the gate let her through because I wanted to bring her," Adam said. "I was worried she might be killed in the process." He looked up again, and his heart gave a sideways lurch at the soft, gentle way Alec was looking at the caterpillar. "I wasn't sure what sort of things would be significant to you from the outside world," Adam mumbled, certain that his cheeks were flaming now. He felt a bit dizzy from the rush of blood to his head. Gay. Very gay?

"I don't think that the gate would harm anything like her." Alec continued gently petting the caterpillar, unable to hide his awe that Adam had given him something special. "Technically it wouldn't harm an intruder either or I wouldn't be needed." Glancing up at Adam, tried not to think about the way Adam was blushing. He was fixated on it because Adam was the first person he'd seen in years, not any of the reasons he'd looked at boys in the past. It couldn't be that. He was Adam's... Alec wasn't sure what he role he held now but he was sure that pining over attractive guys wasn't part of that set of duties.

"You have to be the reason she can be here. Nothing alive else except the cats has ever crossed the gates." Alec wasn't sure if the cats counted. They could be magical not mundane. "Anything from the mortal would be special."

It was difficult to think at all while their hands were still connected, and Adam was hyper aware of Alec's hand cupping his own, while Alec's other hand petted the caterpillar cupped in Adam's hand, brushing against Adam's skin in the process. He felt light-headed with the strength of his sudden infatuation, and completely at its mercy.

He struggled to regain his logical sense. Alec's hand was warm and steady. Adam wasn't sure he could remember how to form words, and with every passing moment he became more painfully aware of how beautiful Alec was.

He was so focused on the gift that Adam had given him that he didn't quite realize that the priestess hadn't spoken. Then he remembered that Adam should have said something about the gate or the other gifts. Looking up, he realized how close they were standing, holding hands while Alec petted the caterpillar.

Swallowing hard, he told himself that he should step away or say something to break the odd moment that they'd gotten caught up in, but he didn't want to. He wanted to stay where he was, watching color creep across Adam's cheeks, feeling the warmth of Adam's hand against his. Finally he forced himself to speak, voice soft as he asked, "Is this all right?"

Adam nodded. He couldn't look away from Alec, which was more difficult as Alec studied him in return, so close and painfully attractive.

"Garden," he suggested, getting at least that one word out as a recommendation for the well-being of the caterpillar and a way to secure himself enough space to start to process his feelings.

Blinking at Adam, he slowly comprehended what Adam meant. They needed to put his gift in the garden so it'd be safe. Stepping away from Adam, he looked sheepish, knowing that he'd broken a few rules of etiquette because of his enthusiasm over the caterpillar. At least his closeness hadn't disturbed Adam. "Do you know what it eats?"

"Leaves," Adam answered, with a wry, helpless smile. He'd brought it with a leaf of the plant he'd found it on, but it had eaten half of that already and had then gone mostly still and behaved in shock for the transport and prodding. "If it doesn't like the plant we put it on, it can find others, right?"

Adam had never had the opportunity for pets, and his recognition of this caterpillar was a fluke. He still wasn't sure he remembered correctly, since he'd learned about the caterpillar as a child, and green caterpillars all seemed alike to him.

As they made their way down a hallway, Adam’s mind whirled. He was gay, and he had a crush on Alec.

No, he’d dated a girl. He’d found Blue attractive. Still found her attractive. Would have liked to kiss her, and though he didn’t want to kiss her anymore, that was because of the mess of their breakup rather than anything having to do with her attractiveness. So he wasn’t gay. He was straight.

He remembered that bisexuality existed, and felt immediately soothed by this realization. It was comforting and freeing at once. It allowed for all possibility, with no hard limitations. He could be attracted to people on a case by case basis, on account of their merits, regardless of their gender. The idea appealed to him.

Cradling the caterpillar carefully, Adam walked in silence, letting his mind do its processing.

"Are there types that she'll prefer? I've never been to Virginia so I don't know the native plants are." he said, tone teasing, unable to consider that Adam might snap at him or dismiss him. Making a thoughtful sound as he led Adam through one of the hallways, past simpler decorations that showed that this space was more utilitarian. "We'll go to the kitchen garden. That should be safe for her."

Alec wasn't sure why everything that found itself in the temple seemed to be female... except the being that he'd always assumed would be female. All the cats seemed to be female and Adam had called his gift female. Alec was sure that was for convenience not knowledge.

The priestess probably should have been female since he should not be looking at Adam the way he had before. He shouldn't keep glancing over at him, starting to blush any time he even thought that Adam might notice. By the Angel, he'd known how to hide his interests before. Why was he suddenly acting foolish over a boy now?

Because he had been kind and he was attractive. And Alec hadn't been around anyone for centuries. Which wasn't fair to Adam. He shouldn't be looking at him like he was a besotted hero from a romance.

Stepping into the garden, he bypassed the strange plants that Alec thought could only grow outside the mortal world to show Adam the safer options for Alec's new pet. "This area should be safe for her. And for you." No, that wasn't right. "The other gardens are safe but the plants here are the same as the outside world so they're not poisonous." Alec paused, realizing that the flower he'd given Adam had been from the other garden. "The flower wasn't - it was pretty so I gave it to you. I knew it wouldn't hurt you."

"Thank you," Adam said, quiet and subdued as Alec filled the silence, and as he filtered through his own thoughts. He'd kept the flower, and wanted it now. It was his, and wondrous, and there were so few things in the world that were Adam's and wondrous. It was pressed in a book now, preserved forever but always fragile. "I liked it."

He chose a low plant and set her on one of the lower leaves, near enough to a couple other kinds of plants that she could roam from there easily enough. It occurred to him that his little caterpillar might be lonely here, and he hoped that the temple would help see to that. Otherwise he'd have to try to bring more of them, and to be sure he matched the type.

Then he stepped back, leaving the caterpillar in her new environment. Awkward without the purpose of holding a creature, Adam remembered the periodicals under his arm and offered them to Alec.

"You're welcome. I hoped you would. It was the prettiest one I could find that was different than the ones in the mortal world." There were others but they looked so foreign that he hadn't been sure if they'd be appreciated. Sometimes their colors seemed too bright or their edges turned the wrong way. Beautiful in their own way but not what a mortal might appreciate. "I liked the flowers you gave me." They were carefully drying in one of the storage rooms to be put with the few things he still had from the outside world.

Kneeling down beside Adam, he smiled when the caterpillar was settled on the leaf. When he was sure that it would be safe from the cats and be able to find other places to crawl, he stood and took the gifts. The newspaper looked like the ones that he'd seen in the mirror or reproduced in books. The magazine. Tipping his head to one side, starting to blush when he read the titles of some of the articles. "Uh - I knew attitudes had evolved, but I didn't know that some subjects were so - uh - out in the open."

Adam was exploring curiously through the garden, not straying far but also not paying attention as Alec started looking through the gifts. Puzzled at the question, Adam looked over, and then wondered if he'd made a mistake. Cosmo was about make-up tips and crushes on boys, right? It was a magazine teenage girls read. Maybe the wrong choice to offer the male guardian, but it had been available, and Adam had picked up the water-stained copy because it was free and a glimpse of the outside world that Alec might appreciate.

"What?" Adam asked, coming over to find out what Alec was talking about. He glanced at the page and blushed, startled to find that it was a very explicit article about sex positions. The accompanying illustrations weren't exactly pornographic, but they very clearly implied the situation. "Oh," he said, turning deep red and feeling light-headed again. He had a crush on the attractive male guardian, and now he'd given him a heterosexual sex guide.

Holding open the magazine, Alec tried not to look too awkward as Adam skimmed over the article. The library was filled with knowledge. Even before he arrived at the temple, Alec understood the basics of sex even if he was a virgin. When he'd grown bored with languages and history, he'd moved on to other topics. Some of the books that he'd found had been illustrated in ways that would have been considered shocking when Alec was growing up. Others had helped him understood what he'd really wanted when his mother was trying to marry him off to her friends' daughters.

Considering the era Adam was from, he shouldn't be shocked by the topic of the article, but it seemed like he was. "I know about these things." Looking down at some of the positions, he quickly amended that comment. "In a way. I don't think some of these are possible." Shutting the magazine to save Adam from more embarrassment, he wondered if there ones that had articles about the types of relationships he preferred. He assumed there were, but Adam was already embarrassed so he shouldn't ask. "I didn't know people were that open about what they liked."

"I didn't either," Adam said, sheepishly. He ducked his head, wanting badly to take back the magazine and delete all memory of his mistake. "I thought it was a fashion magazine."

Adam hated making stupid mistakes, and this one was searingly painful. The guardian would think that he was an idiot, and a prude, and hopelessly awkward. He didn't know if the positions were possible. He had no practical experience with sex and only a minimal awareness of pornography. Without a private laptop or computer, he'd only ever seen glimpses of things on the phones of his peers or in his father's trashy magazines.

"Sorry," he mumbled, resolving to do better next time.

Nodding absentmindedly, he began flipping through the pages. He was used to glossy paper and bright images, but it felt different when they were from the outside world. It seemed to have more weight when it was something that Adam gave him. "It is. I think." He paused to look at one of the photos. "Do people really wear things like that? How do women walk in those shoes?" Alec knew that they did. He saw pictures and moments from the mortal world but he assumed that the strange clothing he'd seen was for special occasions.

"Why are you sorry?" Alec didn't understand why the subject of the magazine mattered, but it seemed to be important to Adam. Slowly he reached out, brushing his fingers along Adam's hand. "You gave me something from the mortal world. Something I've never seen before. Things appear at the temple, but I haven't had a gift in centuries. I asked about the articles because I want to understand the things I've only read about." Maybe Adam didn't like his questions. Maybe they made him uncomfortable or he didn't like being reminded that Alec wasn't quite human. "I'll stop asking, if you want."

“You can keep asking.” Adam extended his fingertips and brushed against Alec’s arm in return. He liked the light, careful touches and was surprised by the way he wanted more of them. His mind fixated on Alec, noticing even his breaths. “I’m your connection to the outside world. It’s my role to answer your questions.”

Forcing himself to stop staring at Alec, Adam returned his attention to the temple around them, tipping his head up to the sky. “Is it the same sun, here, as on Earth?”

Alec wasn't sure how he should take Adam's answer to the offer to stop asking questions. He'd given Alec gifts but acted like answering the questions was a duty not because of whatever had caused Adam to think of those small kindnesses. Adam touching him added another layer of confusion to something that Alec had thought was simple. He liked it which surprised him since he'd thought he'd been uncomfortable being near someone after so long. Was the contact duty as well or something genuine? Unsure if he should ask more questions or not, he closed the magazine and decided he'd research his questions after the priestess left.

"I don't know. It feels the same and the plants grow the same way as they do in the mortal world." He looked around at the neat rows of vegetables and herbs, wondering if they interested Adam or were a detail that was unimportant to the priestess. "There's day and night here and seasons, but they're never harsh."

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