marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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Adam read for another hour, catching up with his assigned readings, warm and cozy against Alec's side. When he at last shifted to put away his book, he glanced at the clock, and he felt immediately disappointed at the prospect of Alec drawing away and going back to his room.

"It's late," he pointed out, quietly, settling back against Alec's side in hopes that he could stay there for just a few minutes more.

He barely knew Alec, and yet he'd quickly become so attached to him, letting his guard down whenever Alec was near. Adam chewed on his lip, hesitating over what he wanted and what he could accept. "You could stay."

The plot of the novel was so familiar that Alec really didn't need to focus on it. Instead his attention was drawn to Adam and how comfortable he felt, not worrying about the silence that had accompanied their reading the way he might have with someone else. Like Magnus.

Pushing aside that thought, he waited for Adam to pull away when he put the book away, surprised when the magician settled against his shoulder again. "It's not late for Shadowhunters." For someone who normally worked nights, it was early. "I could stay a little longer unless you need to get some sleep."

"I have class early in the morning again," Adam reminded him, knowing that Alec would need to be there as well. And as much as Adam wanted to go to his classes with Alec, he didn't want to leave this perfect moment with Alec's arm around him and Alec warm and solid beside him.

"I was suggesting you could stay the night." He watched Alec's face closely as he said it, heart fluttering with nerves that Alec might pull away once he realized that Adam's feelings and desires weren't entirely platonic.

"I can stay awake." Even if he couldn't naturally, there were rune that would help him stay awake. As long as he didn't use them for more than a few days, he'd be fine.

No matter what Izzy said about him being oblivious, Alec had assumed that was what Adam meant. Too bad he wasn't really sure how to respond to that suggestion. He wanted to stay but he wasn't sure what staying meant. "I thought so. Adam, I'm out but I'm not..." Realizing that he was about to start one of the usual miscommunications that seemed to be a regular part of his life, he started again. "If I stay, what would you want to happen?"

Adam blushed deeply as the whole situation took an awkward turn. He tensed up in Alec's arms, but pressed a little closer to him even as he did so, not wanting to retreat from somewhere he felt safe. "I meant sleep," he clarified, ducking his head nervously. "I've never done anything, either." Particularly not with guys. Adam had only a vague idea of how any of that worked.

Carefully, and not looking at Alec, he leaned away a little so that Alec could leave more easily.

When Adam tensed, Alec began to lift his arm so that it'd be easier for Adam to move away. Instead of trying to put space between them, he moved closer. Trying not to read too much about that reaction, he waited for Adam to answer. "I hadn't even kissed anyone until a few days ago."

There was dozens of reasons why Alec shouldn't stay. They'd only known each other for a few days. He still missed Magnus and part of him wished that things had worked out. His parents... Alec had promised himself that he wouldn't use that excuse anymore. At least not when it didn't relate to regaining his place at the Institute. "I can stay, but I'll have to leave early."

“A few days ago?” Adam repeated, stricken. He’d assumed it was longer, that Alec’s warlock might have started to fade from his heart and mind. Here Adam was awkwardly coming on to him while Alec’s heart hadn’t had any time to recover from losing the guy he liked. “I thought it was longer. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay.”

Getting up, Adam spent a moment tidying his books, avoiding Alec’s gaze. “I’m going to go brush my teeth.”

"Yes. He left a couple days before we rescued you." It had hurt but Alec had accepted it. There'd been too much going on, too many things that they both needed to do to help the Down World to really consider any other options. Even if Magnus could portal around the world, there would be too much distance between them for it to work out.

"Why shouldn't you..." His voice trailed off as he realized that Adam had made his decision. If he wasn't even willing to look at Alec, then he probably wouldn't change his mind. Sitting up, he pulled on his boots, trying to figure out why Magnus leaving mattered when he wasn't going to come back. "I'll see you in the morning."

Adam slept poorly, suffering from heartache of his own doing, and dreamed of Alec in restless, discordant dreams. He was more quiet and withdrawn the next day, avoiding flirtation and ignoring any hints of flirtation from Alec.

Ignoring his crush did nothing to ease it, and Adam suffered constantly with yearning, but he wasn’t ready to make a move on Alec when they’d only know each other for few days, and Alec had only just been almost-dating someone else.

A few days passed like that, as Adam settled in and figured out a good balance between his school and his work for the institute. He was looking for Alec to start another evening working on the ley line, but when he found him it was behind a piano, playing something beautiful. Surprised, Adam almost walked back out, feeling the tightness in his chest of attraction to Alec, but he didn’t want to risk being overtly rude. Approaching hesitantly, Adam watched him as he played, not wanting to interrupt this.

When Clary had crashed into their lives, Alec had felt like he was losing everything. Briefly, it'd felt like things were falling into place when he'd met Magnus and they shared the kiss at the wedding. Finding Valentine should have been a major step toward putting his life back into order, but his capture had left the Downworld more chaotic than before.

It had seemed like life might be getting back on track after he'd talked to Izzy and Adam had apologized, but then everything fell apart again.

Alec was able to sleep, but that was because of his training more than emotional stability. He tried to talk to Adam, but it felt like Adam was distancing himself, brushing off any attempts Alec made at trying to fix whatever had broken their developing friendship.

Izzy kept him company, telling him to be patient and being sympathetic whenever he came home from Adam's classes and told her that Adam still wasn't talking to him. Eventually he slipped away from Izzy and Jace, hiding in the music room and practicing some of the classical music that his parabatai had taught him. He wasn't as skilled as Jace, but it was soothing. One song faded to another and he distantly noticed footsteps nearby. Not bothering to look continued playing as he spoke, "Jace?"

“It’s Adam,” he said, like an apology. Coming a little closer, Adam hesitated by the side of the piano bench. “That was good,” he said, head down and eyes averted. He didn’t want to interrupt, but now that he already had, he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Izzy gave me a stern talking-to,” he confessed, and sighed. Resting his arms on the top of the piano, he let his head droop over them. He wanted so badly to be close to Alec, and he was terrified that he was going to keep screwing this up.

Izzy's suggestion about Adam having a reason for why he acted certain ways came to mind as he watched the magician as he stood by the piano. Jace had sometimes acted like that. Like he shouldn't be around. Like Alec would be annoyed by his presence. When he was a kid, that had happened a few times, but once he realized how different Jace's upbringing had been from his own, Alec had given up on his petty jealousies.

"Thank you. I can never really tell since I compare myself to Jace." Not because he wanted to be better than his parabatai but because Jace had been his teacher. Suddenly uncomfortable with his memories of how Jace had reached that level of perfection, Alec shifted from classical to one the jazz songs that he'd taught Jace.

"You survived an Izzy talking-to? No wonder you look exhausted." Glancing over at Adam, he wondered how much his little sister had meddled. "Was it a good talk?"

"Yeah." Adam sighed. "I now have a much clearer understanding of the specific ways in which I've been an idiot. Mostly along the lines of not making decisions on behalf of other people."

He traced idle patterns on the top of the piano, anything to keep from looking over at Alec, even though he was hovering as close as he could get without entering Alec's personal space. "I like you and I want to date you," he confessed, hands going still and then clenching. He kept his head down, posture guarded like he expected to be hit.

"She's adament about that particular subject." He smiled wryly, thinking of his arguments with Izzy over the marriage and his potential feelings for Magnus. "I don't know if you've been an idiot."

The music slowed, turning to something soft and sweet that Alec couldn't remember the name of. He wished that Adam would look at him, but knew better than to ask. "I like you too." His moping and general grumpiness had been a sign of that even if Jace and Izzy were the only ones who understood what it meant. "I want to date you, but I don't know how. I don't really know anything about Mundane traditions."

Adam glanced up hesitantly at that, watching Alec warily. It seemed too good to be true, that Alec would like him and want to date him, just like that, and Adam couldn't help feeling skittish that the rug would be pulled out from under him somehow. "I don't think there's anything that special about Mundane dating. My understanding of it is that we spend time together and sometimes kiss. Maybe sex, when we're ready."

The music was soothing and charming, and it made Adam want to cuddle into Alec's arms, but he held himself back just a little bit longer. "What about your warlock? It's only been a few days."

At least Adam was willing to look at him. That reassured Alec that Adam hadn't visited him solely because Izzy had cornered him. What he couldn't understand was why Adam kept acting like Adam wanted to be somewhere far away from him. "That's what I thought it was like, but I wasn't sure. I've never seen a normal relationship."

For a moment, Alec was quiet, carefully playing each note as he tried to explain the situation with Magnus. "I care about Magnus, but we weren't dating. Nothing was certain. He supported me while I was trying to figure out who I wanted to be and he saved me from making a terrible mistake. I don't know if he'll ever come back to New York during my lifetime."

"I'm worried I can't compete with that," Adam said, quiet. Finally uncoiling his tight posture a little, Adam came over to the piano bench, sitting down by Alec's side. He could feel the warmth of Alec's body beside him, and it soothed him even as it increased his nerves. "Izzy pointed out that's not my decision to make."

Hooking his feet under the piano bench, Adam watched Alec shyly from the side of his eyes, still constantly skittish that this was going to end in rejection.

"He has a special place in my life. Other people are important to me too." Looking over at Adam as he continued to play, he knew he'd eventually have to tell Adam about his old crush on Jace. But that conversation had to be outside the Institute. "Are you going to think you have to compete with them too?

"Izzy's right. It's my decision to make if Magnus is what's holding you back." The song slowed until his fingers stilled on the keys. Letting his shoulder brush against Adam's, he tried to find the right words. "Should I pine for the rest of my life for someone who I spent one night with - just talking - and I kissed?"

"Hope not," Adam said, with the barest hint of a smile. He leaned his shoulder against Alec's, letting his hand lightly brush Alec's leg. "It's not just Magnus. I didn't realize I was bi before I met you. Being attracted to you was sudden and intense, and unexpected. I wanted to be sure."

But as the days had passed, Adam's crush hadn't lessened, and his yearning for Alec had hurt with intensity. "Can we go talk somewhere private?"

"You were using me kissing Magnus as a way to hide." He probably should be angry or at least annoyed by that but Alec had been hiding for years. Adam deserved to have time to figure things out.

Making a thoughtful sound, Alec was about to ask if Adam needed more time when he asked to find somewhere less public to talk. "Where would you feel comfortable?" Alec assumed Adam would prefer his own room, but there might be somewhere else that he felt safer. That had been something Alec had needed when he'd finally forced himself to talk to Izzy about being gay.

"Your room or mine." Adam hadn't yet been inside of Alec's room, other than glances from the doorway. But he felt comfortable around Alec, and simply assumed that he'd be comfortable inside Alec's space. That way they could talk--possibly kiss--without any fear of someone else walking in and judging them.

His fingers brushed over Alec's hand briefly, thinking about holding his hand, but that seemed a little too public just yet. "It wasn't just Magnus. I didn't think I had a chance with you."

Adam's room seemed to be the obvious choice, but he wasn't certain that they would have the same amount of privacy as if they were in his. Few of the Shadowhunters at the Institute thought highly of their new magician, thinking that he was just a Mundane with a lofty title. To them, Adam didn't deserve the same respect that as a Nephilim. If someone showed up at Alec's door, they would probably knock before entering. "My room would probably be the most private."

Catching Adam's hand briefly before standing, Alec looked down at him in confusion. "Why wouldn't you have a chance with me?"

Adam held onto Alec’s hand for a moment as they stood, warmed by the knowledge that Alec wanted him and thought he was worth wanting. He gave him a sweet, shy, tentative smile with just a hint of playfulness. “You’re the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure you should be dating some supermodel or movie star. And if you’re going to settle, you ought to settle for someone without a temper.”

He believed that, but he also wanted Alec, and wanted badly to make himself into someone who could be seen with Alec and people would think that they were equal. If he could have Alec, he’d work to be worth him.

For a few seconds Alec was distracted by the closeness they were sharing and the smile that Adam gave him. He knew that he shouldn't be effected by such simple things, but after days of thinking Adam hated him, he couldn't quite control that reaction. "I'm not." How could Adam think he was the hottest guy he'd ever seen when the Institute was filled with stunning people? "Even if I wanted one, I don't think a supermodel or movie star would want to be part of my life." For more reasons than Alec being grumpy and terrible at being social.

"Everyone has a temper and you're - " Alec struggled for a moment, trying to think of how to describe how attractive Adam was to him, but the words kept sounding wrong. They felt trite or like something out of those romance novels Izzy read. "I've only been interested in three guys. That means you're special to me."

As they walked to his room, he forced himself not to ask a certain question until they were inside and the door locked. "Do you need more time to figure things out?"

“I took the time I needed to be sure.” Adam stepped close so that they were almost chest to chest, watching Alec’s face and smiling at the way Alec looked at him. Alec’s reassurance that he was special helped, and Adam could accept it more easily than bare flattery. “How dare you tell me you’re not the hottest guy I’ve ever seen?” Grinning a little, Adam very lightly set his hands on Alec’s waist. His heart was thudding, but this time he felt like it might overflow with happiness and affection. “Nobody else has ever turned me into a blushing wreck before. You’re a hazard and a menace.”

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