marlowemuses | The lonely become either thoughtful or empty

“I wasn’t ever in any doubt about whether the temple liked me. I was invited.” Whether the temple guardian liked him was a much more dubious possibility. The temple had opened to Adam at a touch. The guardian had very nearly skewered him. And Adam was pretty sure he wasn’t making any progress at winning that guardian over. At this rate the knives were going to come out again.

He reached out to the statue, drawn to it, hesitated, and then remembered what Alec had said about permission. The temple wouldn’t let him see anything he wasn’t allowed to touch. Laying his palm on it, he felt a sense of serenity and power thrumming through the stone. “Αθήνα γλαυκῶπις,” he murmured, using the Homeric epithet because it was the one he knew.

“Is she real?” he asked, turning back to Alec. “Like your angel?”

Almost flinching at Adam's comment, Alec kept his head up, refusing to let his shoulders hunch the way they had whenever his parents had lectured him. By the Angel it'd been centuries since he'd thought of that. Time had softened his memories so he usually only remembered the kinder moments with his family.

He almost told Adam not to touch the artwork in front of them. The statue was too beautiful to be sullied by mortal or immortal hands, and then he reminded himself that he was no longer the caretaker of this place. He was the guard, nothing more. There were only two items that were his true responsibility.

"I hope she is, but I don't know. I haven't met her." His sister had believed Athena was real, but he couldn't mention her to Adam. Not to someone who reminded him of everything he'd given up and could never have. "I only met the Angel."

Adam noticed the way Alec seemed to get even tighter when Adam pointed out that Alec didn't like him. He didn't know how to make Alec like him, and everything he did only seemed to make it worse.

"I've only ever met a ley line," Adam joked weakly, giving Alec a faint smile.

Dropping his hand away from the statue, he continued along the way they were going. He admired his surroundings but also kept his attention half on Alec, wary of him. "You don't think I'm worthy," he said. He expected it would make Alec uncomfortable the way it made Aglionby boys uncomfortable that he'd earned his place at the school. The way he consistently proved he was smarter than them. Boys of privilege never took it well that a poor boy was smarter than they were.

"Hopefully ley lines are easier to be around than Angels." Alec relaxed slightly as he spoke, knowing that he had to try to keep some kind of politeness between them. He wasn't exactly sure what would happen if the priestess decided that Alec wasn't necessary for his work. So little of the situation had been explained to him. He had to protect the Cup and the Sword, but the temple had evolved over the centuries without Alec's role in those changes being explained.

As they headed toward the library, he stumbled to a stop when Adam mentioned his assumption about Alec's perception of the situation. Turning to the priestess, he tried to understand why Adam would say that after making it obvious that he knew that he was supposed to be at the temple.

"The gates let you in. The Angel chose you. You have to be worthy or you wouldn't be here." Adam might have been able to force his way to the temple, but the cats wouldn't have accepted him and Alec would have fulfilled his duty whether he wanted to take a life or not.

Emily trilled softly at him, sensing his mood. Picking her up again, he almost smiled as she settled on his shoulder. After he was sure she was stable, he began walking again, quicker than before so that he could avoid whatever Adam was going to say that would make the situation worse.

When he reached the tall double doors leading to the library, he looked up at the carving of the Angel near the top of the panels. There had to be a reason this was happening after so long. Alec just needed to be patient. Pulling open one of the doors, he held it open so Adam could step inside. "The library."

Adam's eyes flicked up toward Alec, almost shy, when Alec held the door for him. It meant a surprising amount to him. Adam was used to being either overlooked or disdained. People didn't hold doors for him.

"Thank you," he murmured, stepping into the library. He half stumbled at the sight of it. Shelves upon shelves of books, stretching up to a second level and spilling into side rooms, all of it as ornate and lofty as a cathedral. It felt sacred, more than anything else Adam had seen so far, and his heart clenched.

For a minute he couldn't do anything but stare, choked with awe and longing. He wanted to ask if he was really allowed here, if he could really come whenever he wanted, but his pride wouldn't permit the question. He'd been invited.

When he could finally manage to compose his thoughts again, he looked over at Alec, hesitant to ask for anything when it was clear that Alec didn't like him. "Any ideas on where to start?"

"You're welcome?" That shouldn't have sounded like a question, but Alec was so surprised that Adam thanked him that he wasn't sure how he should react. Adam acted like he belonged in the temple more than Alec did but he acted shy about Alec holding a door for him. Even with his centuries away from the mortal world, Alec knew basic manners. He hoped.

No matter how often Alec entered the library, he still felt awed by the beauty of the space and the knowledge that he had been placed in his care. Glancing over at Adam, he was surprised that the temple's priestess was reacting in a similar way. He remained silent, letting Adam get used to the grandeur around them and the gift that they had been given.

"Not really. I can tell you what books helped me when I first arrived here. There may be things in them that I missed or that I couldn't read." He flushed slightly as he admitted that, knowing that Adam would think that he was ignorant. "If something is beyond what I'm able to accept as reality, it's a blank page. Sometimes the words appear after I've learned enough to understand the subject." Looking away to focus on the elegant curves that decorated one of the shelves, he waited for Adam to comment on his inability to read some of the books or to dismiss him from the library.

Adam glanced over, startled by the way Alec was staring fixedly at a bit of carving on a shelf. It was uncomfortably familiar to him, the stance of awaiting criticism, though Adam wasn't used to seeing it outside of himself.

"I'd appreciate that," Adam said, studying Alec in profile, curious about the tension and defensiveness, impressed by his strength and power. "Does the temple do that to you, or is it because of ... what you are?"

Alec had mentioned a choice, so Adam assumed that there had been a time before the temple where he'd had an opportunity to read other books. He did not assume that Alec was human, not after their conversation about angels, gods, and time.

When the comment that he expected didn't come, Alec started to relax. Risking a glance over at Adam, he was surprised that there wasn't a look of disdain aimed at him. His mother would have criticized him for not being more clever even if she never would have understood electricity or the internet. "Because I'm human? Or was." Maybe Adam hadn't realized that Alec wasn't the avatar that he'd assumed. "I don't know what I am now."

Maybe Adam might eventually have an answer for that, but Alec wasn't sure that he wanted one. He preferred to think of himself as human even if he was immortal. "I think it's because of that." As he spoke he relaxed more, slowly moving toward the shelf that held the books he'd read the first few years he'd been at the temple. "I assumed that the mind can only take so much information and so much change before it causes harm. Or the information on those pages were things that humans weren't meant to know yet."

He pulled one of the older books from the shelf, realizing that it was probably in a long dead language. Maybe Adam would be able to read it because he was the priestess. "Even without the books I can't read, there's lifetimes' worth of knowledge here."

"How does it decide what humans are 'meant' to know?" Adam asked. He didn't expect or really want an answer, rhetorically chafing against the idea of having knowledge withheld from him for his own good. He'd spent his life resisting the roles that people said were meant for him or things that were for his own good.

Accepting the book gratefully, Adam cradled it in his arms, leafing through the pages. He was glad to find it was in Latin, which he could understand, though it was an older form than the standardized Classical Latin they were studying at Aglionby. Carrying it over to a nearby table, Adam set it down, taking a seat and pulling out his tarot cards. He laid out three, hoping for guidance, and made a tiny huff of frustration at the results. The Star, the Wheel of Fortune, Three of Pentacles.

"Thanks," he remarked to the cards, or to Cabeswater, or to the temple, or to the Angel, whichever of the forces was currently helping to guide his cards. He felt all of them thrumming under his skin in this place. The ley line flowed through the temple as though they were one and the same, bound together like braided strands. Adam could feel them as distinct, but also as married parts of the same continuum. "I already knew that."

"Probably based on what I knew before I opened the book," he answered with a shrug. He hadn't thought much about it since fighting against the rules of the temple wouldn't accomplish anything. "I wouldn't have been able to understand most of the languages when I first arrived here." Maybe Adam didn't realize how long Alec had been at the temple. "Some of them may not have even existed then. We probably can't read about the future." At least that was what Alec had told himself every time a history book had abruptly ended in hundreds of blank pages. "I doubt the Angel would want me to read anything that would drive me mad or He'd have to find another guard."

Watching Adam take the book and sit down, he had the feeling that he'd been dismissed. Unsure of what to do, he considered leaving but he didn't want to leave a stranger, even the priestess, alone in the library. Turning away from the oldest section of books, he went to the shelf that he'd cleared away for his favorite. Selecting a novel that he'd read so often that he'd memorized it, he sat down in one of the more comfortable chairs that he'd found in the temple. Opening the book, he tried to lose himself in the story, but he kept glancing up at Adam, trying to figure out why he was talking to himself.

It made more sense when Alec explained it like that, and Adam thought it over for a few minutes. A history book from outside of time, only revealing its secrets at the rate that its reader experienced history. That made it seem less like censorship and more like a law of reality. Time moving in one direction, not because it must, but because it was how human brains processed and experienced it.

He turned another card. This one was the Knight of Pentacles, and Adam glanced up at Alec to assess. He found Alec looking back at him, both of them caught in the middle of a stolen glance. Returning his eyes to his cards, Adam turned over a couple more, still trying to find some insight on what he was supposed to do here, as the priestess. Four of wands; harmony, union, partnership, romantic engagement. The Magician.

The cards clearly didn't understand that Alec didn't like him. Adam flushed to the tips of his ears, turned the cards over, and shoved the whole deck away from him on the table. Then he did his best to focus on the book, even though making sense of the Latin was a headache. "Is there a dictionary here to translate Old Latin into English?"

While Alec tried to focus on Hobbits, he couldn't stop himself from watching Adam and the tarot cards. He knew about them, reading about them in one of the many books he'd skimmed through to try to gain a better understanding of magic, but he knew that he had no gift for prophecy or magic.

Realizing that he'd been caught staring, Alec jerked his attention back to the book. Maybe he should have chosen one that he hadn't memorized decades ago. Trying to settle more in his chair and actually read the story, he couldn't help wondering what the cards had suggested that had Adam looking uncomfortable.

When Adam spoke, Alec gave up on the novel, setting it carefully aside before moving to the table. "There are. There's whole sections of dictionaries for translations." Looking at the book, he tipped his head to one side, trying to read the passage upside down. "But I know both." Maybe Adam would want him to help. Or he could dismiss him and go find a dictionary. Alec wasn't quite sure which option would be best.

Adam's first instinct was to insist that he could make do with the dictionary, since there was no reason to waste Alec's time with something he could do himself. But he took an extra moment to think before he spoke, and it occurred to him that Alec probably didn't have a better use of his time. Alec had been here alone for some unknown stretch of time, and the evidence Adam had suggested decades or centuries. He couldn't leave the temple, and aside from the history books filling themselves in, he probably didn't have any connection or knowledge regarding the outside world. It was no wonder he kept staring at Adam.

"Be much obliged," Adam mumbled, since it was difficult to solicit or accept help. Politeness always drew out the more self-effacing side of his nature, and thickened his drawl.

Alec expected Adam to order him to find a dictionary and to leave. He looked from the book to the priestess, trying and failing to hide his surprise when Adam agreed to accept his help. "I - uh - " He tried to focus on the words on the page, then realized he'd have to move to sit beside Adam.

Alec almost asked permission but told himself that he could sit wherever he wanted. Trying not to take up too much space beside Adam, he began reading over the passage, grateful that the book was one of the ones he'd read numerous times. Slowly, he began to speak, giving Adam time to think about each line in the book, pausing and giving multiple choices for certain words if he wasn't sure of which might be correct in terms of magic.

When he reached the end of the passage, he briefly looked up, curiosity getting the better of him. "Where is your home? I've never - your accent - " Flushing when he realized how foolish he sounded, he continued on. "American? It sounds like something I've heard before but I didn't know where that person was from."

Adam had expected to ask translations for specific words, but as Alec began to speak, Adam didn't want to interrupt him. He waited for the pauses between lines before asking clarifications, and never more than one per line, even if he had more questions about the words or the conjugations.

Alec read well, and his voice was soothing. It was nice, also, to have someone sitting close beside him like this, and Adam was surprised that he didn't feel more skittish about the proximity, especially after Alec had threatened violence against him before.

"Virginia," Adam answered, glad that Alec didn't know the things that his accent signified. "Do you want me to show you on a map? Who did you hear before?"

Whenever Adam asked him questions, Alec became more confident. This was something that he could do that was more than just being a guard and potentially having to harm someone when he hated the idea of hurting anyone. It helped that the book was familiar, but Latin was one of the first languages that he'd learned. Even if he didn't understand magic, he could understand the words in front of him. He could offer those to Adam.

"I'd like that. I have a basic idea of where it is but that's not the same as having you show me." Maybe if Adam pointed it out, Alec would have an idea of where Adam had been before he found the gate. "I don't know who it was. I was given a window - " No that wasn't quite right even if he'd thought of it that way in the past. "A mirror? That lets me see the outside world. I don't watch often. It - " Hurt too much if he saw the world beyond the temple too often. "It can become a distraction."

It puzzled and concerned Adam, the implication that the connection to the outside world was a distraction. Because Alec wasn't allowed to want things? Because it would tempt him to abandon his guardpost?

He kept his mouth shut on his wonderings, instead following Alec to a map and showing him on a map where Virginia was, where he was from, how the ley line moved through the valley.

"I have to go," he said, regretful. He wanted to stay and learn more from Alec. "I'll come back when I can."

The map was one of the larger ones that had stayed constant over the years. There'd been no blank spots on it or names that Alec couldn't read. It had become his main resource when trying to understand the modern world. When Adam pointed out Virginia, he wanted to ask what it was like, what his home was like. Alec still remembered pieces of his past and the place that he'd lived. The memories weren't always clear but maybe if Adam described his world, those details would become vivid again.

Instead he focused on the ley line, knowing that was more important than wanting to remember his own home. Looking up from his imagined plotting of the line along the valley, he tried to ignore the way his heart sunk when Adam said he had to go.

It shouldn't bother him. Alec had known that Adam couldn't stay. He didn't even like Alec so it shouldn't be a disappointment that he had to leave. Nodding as he put away the map, he kept his gaze away from the priestess so he didn't say something stupid like asking when Adam would return. "I'll walk you out, if you want."

Adam was quiet on the way out, already missing the temple. It was beautiful and pristine, so far removed from the tedium and filth of his everyday life that it seemed like a dream. Even Aglionby, which was the most wondrous building Adam knew, paled in comparison to the glory of the temple.

"Goodbye," he said, glancing once up at Alec before stepping through the gate and back to his world.

~

It was two days before he had an opportunity to return. He worked and studied, barely slept, surrendered a few hours to Gansey and one of his adventures, and then paid for those hours out of his own sleep when he had to catch up on studying later.

Busy as he was, Adam kept the temple guardian in the back of his mind, thinking of things from the mundane world that he could bring to offer the guardian experiences and knowledge that the temple couldn't give him.

When he finally returned, he had a water-stained copy of Cosmo and yesterday's national newspaper tucked under his arm, and both hands cupped very carefully around something.

He stepped through and then peeked into his hands, breathing a laugh of relief to find the little green caterpillar within was still alive and clinging to its leaf. Staying put, Adam waited for Alec. It was clear that Alec could tell when he arrived at the temple, and Adam didn't want to give him a reason to worry.

As they walked through the temple, Alec tried not to think. If he did, he reminded himself that the temple was his responsibility. He didn't have the right to be unhappy over the only person he'd seen in centuries leaving. Adam didn't even like him. He should be grateful that he had a brief amount of time with another person.

"Good bye." He couldn't quite keep the wistfulness out of his voice as he watched Adam walk through the gate and back to the mortal realm.

~

Even the cats were subdued after Adam left. Alec wasn't sure if they were picking up on his mood or if they were unhappy the priestess was gone. Persephone and Emily stayed with Alec constantly, almost tripping him whenever they were on the ground. He went through the daily tasks that were probably not necessary to the temple but kept him busy. There were always plants to tend and pets to feed. Archery practice and... he stayed away from the library. The books wouldn't be neglected if he didn't sort through and arrange them for a few days.

When he felt someone at the gate, the cats reacted before he did. They rushed off to see Adam, ignoring the food that Alec had been putting out for them. Shaking his head at their excitement, he followed after them, not sure if he felt that same excitement or dread over the priestess returning. He hadn't actually thought Adam would return. He had a life in the mortal world. Why return unless it was absolutely necessary?

Giving Adam a confused look when he realized that the priestess hadn't gone straight to the library, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Why did you wait for me?" Mentally he winced and tried to recover. "The temple is your place."

"I didn't want you to worry that I was an intruder," Adam explained, which seemed obvious to him. Even if Adam belonged here, it was still Alec's place first.

Stepping forward carefully, he offered his cupped hands. He didn't know if Alec would be disgusted or offended by being offered an insect, and Alec had been wary of approach up until he'd sat down next to Adam at the library table. "I brought you a new friend for your garden," he explained, trying not to think about the fact that he hadn't seen Alec's garden and didn't know if the caterpillar would be an invasive species. He'd worried that the temple might not allow the passage of a living creature and that the caterpillar would be killed or left upon the threshold when Adam had crossed over, but the temple had either respected Adam's intent or his cupped hands had been enough of a protective bubble to keep the caterpillar alive. "If I've remembered correctly, this kind transforms into a blue butterfly with yellow spots."

"Thank you?" Eventually Alec would get used to that thoughtfulness or Adam would realize he could come and go as he pleased. "The cats told me that it was you." If their streaking off to say hello hadn't been warning, the fact that they'd been trilling instead of hissing had told Alec that whoever had reached the gates wasn't a danger.

It felt strange to have someone near him that wasn't one of the cats, but Alec kept his reaction to himself, afraid that Adam would stop if he seemed uncomfortable. At least until he realized Adam was giving him something. Then curiosity drove away that unsettled feeling. "A friend?" Without thinking he stepped closer, cupping his hands around Adam's to see what the priestess had brought. He stared down at the caterpillar, trying not to think of how long it had been since he saw one that wasn't an illustration or through the mirror. It was real. Alive. Just like Adam. Just like Alec had been before he'd stepped through the gates.

"It's beautiful." He was almost afraid to touch it. "I don't remember blue ones. The ones I saw before were green or orange." Grinning at Adam, he thought of what it would be like to have something new and alive in the garden. "Thank you. There aren't butterflies here... except this one."

Adam’s cheeks went pink at the warm, steady strength of Alec’s hands around his own, and he stared at Alec’s grin, amazed that he’d pleased the reticent guardian so much. No one had ever reacted so warmly to something Adam had done, and he yearned for more of this kind of contract and validation. “I’m glad you like it,” Adam mumbled, blushing helplessly as he studied Alec’s face. He couldn’t bear to break the contact between them. The warmth of Alec’s hands felt like it reached all the way up Adam’s arms. “Brought you a newspaper and a magazine, too.”

Slowly his enthusiasm over the caterpillar shifted to the being holding the creature. For a moment, he couldn't stop himself from staring at Adam. It was rude. It would make Adam feel awkward and probably force more distance between them, but Alec couldn't look away. He'd never made someone, the right type of someone, blush before. Girls had blushed over things he'd said, whether the words deserved that reaction or not. His family had been powerful and most of those girls hoped to marry into a position with high status. He'd never made a boy blush or been given a gift by one that he might like. Only Jace but they were brothers. That was different.

And no one, not even Izzy, had given him something so precious. "I do. I knew that people could go through the gate, but I didn't know that other living things could." Looking down at the gift, Alec moved his hand so he could gently touch the caterpillar. It wiggled a bit, but didn't disappear like he expected. "Thank you for the newspaper and magazine." Which he should be more interested in but the caterpillar was more rare than the written word. "Sorry. I like those too, but haven't seen anything like this in centuries."

As Alec stared at him, Adam had the crazy, fleeting whim that it would be so easy to just lean forward and kiss him. He squelched the thought quickly, ducking his head, but it lingered near the back of his mind, because he didn't hate the idea. Part of his mind started processing that, pointing out that Alec was very handsome. Very fit, too. Intimidating in a way that was impressive. Attractive, which implied that Adam was attracted, which implied that he was capable of attraction to boys, which implied... that he was... gay?

"I think that the gate let her through because I wanted to bring her," Adam said. "I was worried she might be killed in the process." He looked up again, and his heart gave a sideways lurch at the soft, gentle way Alec was looking at the caterpillar. "I wasn't sure what sort of things would be significant to you from the outside world," Adam mumbled, certain that his cheeks were flaming now. He felt a bit dizzy from the rush of blood to his head. Gay. Very gay?

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