marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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Even as he told himself it was ridiculous to blush over Adam almost holding hands with him, Alec couldn't hide his reaction. Keeping his head bowed he pretended he was focusing on keeping the color even instead of hiding the fact that he was acting like a Mundie teenager.

"Tone is what set me off before," he admitted, not sure if he had been justified in that reaction or not. "It reminded me of how my mother's reacted to everything. She's furious that she can't use me in a political marriage now."

Turning Adam's hand to make sure that the polish was even, he considered the best way to explain Jace's role in his life. "Parabatai are bonded warriors. We go through a ceremony and make certain vows to each other. We promise to fight together. We'll take care of each other's families." The part about dying probably wasn't something that Adam wanted to hear. Pausing, he remembered Clary's snide comments about how close he was to Jace. "We're literally platonic soul mates. Jace and I went through the ceremony when we were fifteen."

Adam shifted once Alec finished his first hand, letting his knee rest against Alec's. He admired the color, considering how it looked against his hand. It felt strange, heavy, and he could tell that it was still wet, so he was careful not to touch them.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, half sympathy for Alec's difficulties with his mother, which made it easier to get the apology out.

"Was it your choice?" he asked, puzzled by the custom of soul-bonding two warriors. Alec said it was literal and Adam believed him. He was soul-bound to a ley line, after all.

Alec almost said that it was okay, but that made it sound like he was dismissing Adam's apology. "Thank you. I wasn't sure if you really did think it was brave or if - " If he thought that Alec should have gone through the marriage to improve his family's relations with the Clave.

The answer to Adam's questions should have been automatic. He didn't regret becoming parabatai with Jace, but in some ways he hadn't felt like he'd had a choice. He wasn't forced but at the time he'd struggled with the decision. "It was. The bond is one of the most sacred things in our culture. It's more important than marriage." Marriages could end, but parabatai rarely broke the bond. "No one would force that bond. And it's not something that we rush into because we'll be bound together for the rest of our lives and beyond."

"Of course I thought you were brave," Adam said, confused that Alec had doubted that part of what he'd said.

He thought quietly over Alec's explanations, meeting Alec's eyes calmly whenever he looked up. It was strange how safe he felt, with Alec this close to him, touching him, and it brought a tiny smile to his lips. He studied the curve of Alec's eyebrows, admiring how handsome he was.

"Is there anything in the Codex about Shadowhunter courtship traditions?" Adam asked, practical-minded about his crush even though he was also curious as to whether Alec would assume they were talking about him or if he would try to dismiss it. "If there's someone I want to ask out."

"Shadowhunters aren't supposed to come out. They're supposed to marry and pretend that they're happy." What Alec had done was still causing waves within the Institutes as others started coming out too. "Most of the older generations think what I did was selfish. They'll say I was brave, but you can tell that they think what I did was wrong."

Alec knew that he'd overreacted, especially when Adam sounded so angry. "I've heard that so many times that I thought you agreed with them." That hadn't been fair to Adam, but they both seemed to get conflicting messages from each other.

He arched and eyebrow at the comment about courting. There were rules, but he hoped that Adam wouldn't read that section of the Codex. Technically, Shadowhunters were only supposed to date Shadowhunters. The rules were regularly broken but officially it was against the Law. "There is but you can ignore most of it. Most of the courtship rules are related to marriage."

"And all of that is heterosexual and old fashioned," Adam concluded, nodding his understanding. The Codex rules didn't matter if they didn't take Adam or Alec into account.

"I grew up in rural Virginia," Adam said, shy and halting as he confessed his own history. "My father was racist, sexist, homophobic..." Adam wondered if that was part of why he'd never let himself consider liking guys. It would have been suicidal to do so while he was still living in his father's trailer. "I don't agree with any of that."

There was probably more of it in Adam than he wanted, but he was aware of that, and desperate to root it out.

"How long does it take to dry?"

"It makes sense why it was like that before. There weren't many of us and they needed us to have families." At least that was the logic that Alec had used to try to understand why everything he read said that there was something wrong with him.

Setting aside the polish, Alec considered the best way to address Adam's history. Their upbringing had some similarities. "Your father and my parents might have gotten along." Except the Lightwoods wouldn't have even acknowledged a Mundane. "My parents are racist in relation to the Downworld. Most Nephilim are. We're taught that Shadowhunters are elite and everyone else in the Downworld is a savage."

Which wasn't true. It hadn't been the Downworlders who were slaughtering others. The Shadowhunters of the past and then the Circle had been the real danger to the Downworld. "I don't agree with it either but it sometimes I act like I do. It's drilled into us from birth. I'm trying to be better." Maybe Adam was too if he was willing to tell Alec about his family. "I don't know if my parents are homophobic or they're angry that they can't sell me off now."

"Probably ten minutes to be sure. Usually I end up talking to Izzy for another half hour before we realize that I'm done. Or she makes me paint her toe nails."

Adam listened thoughtfully to all of it, glad that Alec had such a strong drive to be better and to improve upon his upbringing. "I want to be better, too," Adam murmured, though it was difficult to share something so vulnerable and personal with someone else.

"Do you want me to do yours?" he offered, nodding at Alec's hands. He still had the contact where his knee was touching Alec's, but he wanted a reason for their hands to touch again.

"Maybe we could work on it together." They already were. They'd promised to restore the ley line together. Most Shadowhunters wouldn't have agreed to that or, if they had, it would be for their gain, not to help others. "We've had two fights and made up. That's a start."

Looking down at their hands, Alec wanted to say yes. He wanted an excuse to stay with Adam, doing something simple that wasn't related to their responsibilities, but he also knew how people would react if he was wearing polish. Too bad Izzy hadn't given him the top coat. That wouldn't be as obvious as the color she'd chosen for Adam. "I do, but I don't think showing up with my nails painted would help my credibility right now."

"I kind of enjoyed our first fight," Adam admitted, ducking his head to hide his grin.

Alec's hands were strong and skilled, and Adam wanted to see him show off his archery, wanted to have Alec's hands on him longer, wanted to see Alec's hands adorned with a color he'd chosen for himself. He understood the hesitation, though. His parents disallowing something was one thing, but Alec's reputation and position as Head of the Institute was another. Adam respected the latter.

"We could do your toes," he suggested, after a moment's thought.

"You enjoyed it?" Why would Adam like to fight with him? Most people avoided confrontations... unless they were like Jace and Izzy who liked to poke at him just to see how grumpy he could act.

He wanted to say yes. He wanted to have the freedom to wear polish if he wanted to or do things that didn't conform to the usual roles of Shadowhunters, but it was too soon to start pushing more boundaries. Even if it gave him an excuse to stay close to Adam.

Wrinkling his nose, he shook his head at the suggestion. "You shouldn't have to deal with my feet. There doesn't have to be a reason for me to stay here."

"I want you to stay here," Adam said. He was disappointed that Alec didn't want him to paint his toes, but he wasn't going to press the offer. Dropping his eyes, he studied his nails, admiring the way the paint shimmered and caught the light. He'd never thought about doing something like this before. It was a luxury and an expense, and his father would have beaten him for coming home with nails that sparkled.

Safe in Alec's company, Adam felt a little more wondrous with his nails painted, and he splayed his fingers, appreciating that he could try things like this freely. "I like how it looks."

It was silly but Alec almost envied Adam. He didn't have to conform to the roles that Alec did. He could have his nails painted or take college classes. Alec wasn't even sure what he'd take, but he was beginning to understand why Jace and Izzy were so fascinated by Mundanes. It was so different than their lives that it was almost impossible to wonder what it'd be like to live like that.

"I like it too," he said, hating that he almost sounded wistful over it. What would it be like to not care what his parents thought? Why did he care what his parents thought? Nothing he did would ever be good enough. "Maybe tomorrow we can find another color. Something a little less obvious for me."

Adam smiled warmer at that, pleased that Alec was considering it. "I'd like that." It had seemed like the sort of thing that Izzy might enjoy enabling, which Adam liked about her.

"Will you sit with me for a while as I do my homework?" Adam asked, scooting back a little to sit against the pillows. He didn't want Alec to go yet, but he didn't have any reasons to keep him here. Hopefully Alec had meant it about not needing a reason to be here.

He thought about what Izzy had said, suggesting that he kiss Alec, but everything still felt too fragile for that, and Adam didn't think he could hope for anything more than being tolerated.

"Don't tell Izzy or she'll want to come with us. You do not want to go shopping with Izzy." He hunted demons for a living and shopping with his sister terrified him. "She'll decide we both need new wardrobes." Alec's tastes may be starting to evolve, but he wasn't ready for whatever Iz would think up for him.

"I won't be a distraction?" There's been times when Izzy was getting ready for finals that she demanded to be left alone. He hadn't dared interrupt her then. "Your classes seem like ones that need focus." Half of the second had went over Alec's head but he'd mostly understood the first one. "Maybe I could look through your books and see if I can figure out what they were talking about."

"I do need a new wardrobe," Adam said, though he couldn't yet afford it. He hated the second-hand t-shirts and patched jeans that he wore, but anything more was a luxury expense. The thought of going shopping with Izzy and having her decide that he needed a very fashionable makeover sounded like fun, if Adam's new income was going to be anything like what Alec had hinted at.

"I like your company. And I don't mind if you want to get a book or your reports. I don't know how much interest you have in pre-law or engineering." Adam pulled a face which then relaxed into a smile. He loved his studies, and wanted to do well at them.

"Why don't you get one?" They may not have started officially paying Adam, but Alec knew that the Institute would eventually make a deal with him. Remembering how little Adam had had in his room, he realized that maybe he needed more of a push to get new things. "You're working for us now. It's not just room and board, remember?"

Izzy would probably pounce on the chance to go shopping, but Alec could deal with it if Adam really needed the help... maybe. He wasn't sure if he wanted Izzy to help him with his 'fake boyfriend'.

"I'll go get a book. I study enough law. It's too much like mission reports." Dull. Dry. And written so that they bared the reader no matter how demons were involved. Engineering was a subject that he wouldn't be able to get through.

He thought about getting the books he'd left in Izzy's room but he was sure that she'd interrogate him on how things were going with Adam. Instead he went to his room and grabbed one of his favorite novels. When he returned, he looked at the bed, suddenly unsure of what to do. It seemed wrong to assume that Adam wanted him there. "Do you want me to - " He gestured to the spot next to Adam. "Or somewhere else?"

Adam nodded hesitantly when Alec reminded him that he was being paid. But he hadn't actually seen that money yet, so he wasn't going to trust to it. "I'll ask Izzy for help--unless you think it's a situation like her cooking. I could use her help with fashion." He wanted to impress and to push the edges, but he didn't have any idea how to start with upping his wardrobe.

When Alec returned, Adam nodded, lightly patting the bed at his side. "Near me. I'm not intimidated by the size of you." He smiled, very shyly flirtatious. He was increasingly certain that they were both interested in each other, and though it all felt very fragile, it was cozy and soothing.

"Fashion is something she excels at." Alec didn't always understand her fashion choices or the subtlety of colors that she tried to explain to him, but he knew that dressing well was one of her skills. No matter what Maryse said about Izzy's clothes. "We could go shopping when you don't have class. Get some clothes and anything else that you might need while you're staying here."

As he stood in the middle of the room, book in hand, he didn't expect Adam to comment on his height. Or smile at him like that. A warm, nervous feeling settled in his chest and he realized he was smiling the way he had when Magnus called him 'pretty boy'. "I'm glad you're not. There's nothing I can do to change that." But he might have tried if Adam had asked.

Sitting on the bed, he pulled off his boots, setting then down where they wouldn't be in the way and leaned back against the pillows. Glancing over at Adam, he almost started to blush. Focusing on the cover of his book instead, he told himself that he was being an idiot. "Unless you'd want me to glamour myself to look like someone else."

"The glamour would help," Adam said, wrinkling his nose and giving Alec a teasing smile. "Can you just tone down the whole handsome, tall, muscular thing to less-distracting levels while I'm doing my homework?"

Alec was very close like this, even though he was right where Adam had told him to sit, and Adam felt a little bit light-headed. He focused stubbornly on his book, trying to ignore the blush creeping across his cheeks, and keeping his book safely on his lap just in case his body decided to get any ideas about unwanted erections.

Arching an eyebrow, he tried to ignore how pleased he was over Adam's description. By the Angel, he was acting the way he had when Magnus flirted with him. Was that bad? Izzy said he should enjoy it and maybe she was right. He'd never had a chance to be himself or have an attractive guy flirt with him. "If I use a glamour, you'll ask me how it works. Then you'll be studying the Codex instead of engineering."

Opening his book, he tried not to think of reasons why Adam was blushing or how much he wanted to stare instead of read the words he'd memorized years ago. Trying to pretend that the story held his attention, he glanced over at Adam whenever he turned a page. He knew what Izzy would say he should do, but he didn't want to ruin things by misreading the situation or doing something that might result in Adam throwing him and demanding someone else be his guard.

After a few minutes, Adam shifted so that his shoulder rested against Alec's. He only had on a thin, worn t-shirt, so he could feel the warmth of Alec's body against his shoulder, and it warmed him through to his belly.

He worked for half an hour, reading the assigned chapter, and then he leaned over to get the next book, shirt riding up as he did so. When he settled back again, he nestled a little closer against Alec's side, appreciating his warmth.

As they slowly shifted closer, Alec briefly had a moment that would have led to panic. He'd felt the same way after staying at Magnus' loft, but that morning it had been more intense. Now there was no reason to hide. No reason not to enjoy having someone he liked nearby.

That was a strange, almost dizzying realization. Alec didn't have to hide. He didn't have to pretend. He couldn't be too obvious since someone might say he couldn't be effective if he was infatuated with someone, but he could spend time with Adam without fearing the consequences.

Looking up when Adam began to move, he helped him get the book. Automatically his arm settled around Adam's shoulders. Going still, he waited to see how Adam would react, ready to pull away if he seemed uncomfortable with having him so close.

Adam was briefly surprised by the arm around his shoulders, because Alec had so far seemed so careful and guarded in response to Adam's flirtations, meeting them but never really upping the ante. They both had been making only the most tentative of gestures as they circled each other, slowly moving closer.

For him to put his arm around Adam's shoulders was an unmistakable gesture, and Adam glanced up at him for a moment in surprise before nestling into it, settling into Alec's embrace and resting his head on Alec's shoulder as he continued to read.

Alec tried to tell himself that it was no different than some of the situations he'd been in with Jace. They'd been in each other's space for years, only pulling away from each other when Alec's crush had become painfully obvious. He was used to having someone nearby, but usually that person was someone who would never be interested in him.

This was new territory and Alec wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. At least he wasn't panicking over being near a cute guy like he would have when he was fifteen.

But Adam might not be that at ease. He didn't know Alec and he'd said he'd grown up with a homophobic father so he might be just as nervous as Alec sometimes felt.

Keeping the contact light, he made sure that it was obvious that Adam could pull away if he wanted. When Adam looked up at him, he smiled shyly, ready to make an excuse for the contact if he needed to. Letting out a sigh when Adam didn't move away, he relaxed, returning his attention to his book.

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