marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Adam was still in his room with the Codex on his lap when someone knocked. He tensed, wary, not wanting any company but Alec or Izzy. “Who is it?” he called. Relieved but also nervous when Alec responded, Adam called him to come in. He bent his knees up defensively, holding the book on his lap and looking at Alec with nervousness and guilt. Alec was here, at least, which was a good sign, though Adam was worried about how much Izzy might have told him. “Hey.”

"It's Alec." He still wasn't sure if this was the best thing to do. Adam seemed angry no matter what Izzy had said. Maybe being angry on Alec's behalf had turned into angry with Alec. When he entered the room, he didn't know what to do with himself. At first he started to fall into the parade rest that was normal when Maryse was confronting him over some perceived failure, and then he realized what he was doing.

Standing in the middle of the room like he was being briefed on a mission wasn't going to show Adam that he wasn't angry or that he wanted to be around him.

Slowly, he forced himself to relax, slouching more, hands drifting toward his pockets. His fingers brushed against the bottle of polish and he remembered what Izzy had said. "Hey. Iz said you were next on the list for getting a manicure."

Alec looked so stiff, but he didn't say anything in anger or give any practical reason for being here, and then he showed the bottle of polish and Adam's lips quirked in pleased surprise.

"I was mostly joking," he said, but he reached out for the little bottle anyway, interested in it. He turned it, admiring the deep charcoal and sapphire blue colors inside the bottle, and the almost mystical way that it was both colors at once, like a midnight sky. He'd never really seen or noticed nail polishes before, aside from girls sometimes having colored fingernails, but the color was so fantastical and wondrous that Adam liked it at once. It didn't seem at all like something overtly girly.

"Really?" he said, knowing that Izzy must have sent Alec but not quite believing that Alec wanted to be here and was willing to do his nails. He gave Alec a wry, lopsided little smile, hoping that it was this easy and Alec really had come just to keep him company.

Handing Adam the bottle, Alec stood beside the bed, not wanting to assume that he was welcome. "Izzy never thinks fashion is a joke." Mostly wasn't bad. It didn't mean that Izzy had guessed wrong and Alec had shown up like an idiot with nail polish as a peace offering. At least Izzy had chosen one of her better colors. One of Alec's favorites, actually. She'd probably known that since it was one he chose regularly for her.

"Yes, really." Adam wasn't saying no. He wasn't telling Alec to get out so that was a start. "I'm almost offended that she told me not to do it the proper way." It wouldn't last unless Adam was careful or magic could stop it from chipping. "But if you want me to, I'll do it." That probably wouldn't help mend things. "I like doing it. It's relaxing."

"What does that mean, not the proper way?" Adam set aside his book, crossing his legs and relaxing, losing his defensiveness now that Alec was here and they weren't fighting. He rubbed his thumb over his other thumbnail, looking over his blunt nails. If it was Izzy offering, he would be more likely to turn it down thinking that his nails weren't nice enough to paint, but he didn't think Alec would judge him for them. "I've never had my nails painted before."

It was soothing to have Alec back and not as defensive, and Adam was wary of saying anything that would drive him away again. He rested his hands on the bed in front of himself, spreading his fingers a little to offer them.

Edited 2019-01-04 04:30 (UTC)

"There should be base coats and top coats. Izzy thought you might want to pick it off later so she said not to use them." Assuming the question meant he was welcome, he sat down on the edge of the bed, rolling his eyes at his sister making up rules for Alec to follow when painting Adam's nails. "I've never had it done either. My parents wouldn't have approved for a couple of reasons."

They probably wouldn't approve of him knowing how to do Izzy's nails, but he didn't care. It was another way that they could spend time together without the pressure of their roles intruding. Taking the bottle of polish, he gave Adam a questioning look. "Does that mean you want me to paint yours?"

"I'd like that," Adam said, eyes lingering on Alec again, unable to pay attention to anything else once Alec was in the room. It felt like forgiveness, though Adam wasn't sure he deserved that. The prospect of Alec holding his hands was almost overwhelming, and a nervous little tremor went through Adam's fingers. "I'll be sure to thank Izzy."

Being around Alec relaxed him. It felt almost as though nothing had happened, as if Adam hadn't messed up. He leaned forward, letting Alec have his hands, though some nerves still showed in Adam's eyes. "I was awful to you earlier," he acknowledged, which was his best approximation at an apology.

Now that Adam had agreed, Alec wasn't sure what to do. When they were talking or working, he didn't think about the fact that he'd rarely been alone with anyone he might like. His infatuation with Jace became a part of his daily life so it was something he barely acknowledged. He'd spent the night at Magnus' loft, but that had been one night that he allowed himself to forget his responsibilities.

Now he didn't know what to do or how to act. Was this normal? It reminded him of the kinds of moments Izzy pretended she didn't enjoy in those rom-coms that she forced him to watch. Awkward teenagers trying to figure out how to talk to each other. Except Alec wasn't a teenager so he shouldn't be reacting this way.

Uncapping the polish, he took Adam's hand and slowly began applying the polish. "Chocolates are the best way to thank her." Pausing when Adam began to apologize, Alec glanced up then focused on the color. "I overreacted. It's hard not to when most people are treating me like it's contagious."

"I want you to be able to have the things you want," Adam explained. He did his best to keep his hand still, though his heart was thudding in his chest as Alec gently and attentively painted his nails. It felt thunderous, and Adam didn't know how Alec couldn't hear it. "I'm willing to fight for that."

Reddening, Adam cleared his throat awkwardly. "People other than you." He'd already fought Alec over it, and that hadn't gone well at all.

"I've got a temper," he added, though that also seemed like it was probably self-evident at this point.

Honesty was probably best even if Adam might not understand. "I don't know what I want. I've been so focused on no one finding out the truth or protecting everyone that I never thought of what I wanted." He could occasionally feel a faint tremor through Adam's fingers, unsure what it meant, but certain that he shouldn't ask. If Adam didn't want him to do this, he wouldn't have said yes.

"I hope you want to fight someone other than me." Looking up, he began to smile. Things didn't seem as bad after talking to Izzy and Adam had quit using that tone.

Humming softly, he checked the polish on one nail and began the next. "So does my parabatai. It took me awhile to learn how to not set him off. Are there certain topics I we don't have to stop fake dating?"

Adam smiled at Alec's mention of their fake relationship, and his fingers curled slightly against Alec's palm, not quite holding his hand but a half-unconscious gesture toward it.

"Wide and varied," Adam said, rubbing his thumb along the side of Alec's hand until Alec got to it and then holding it still. "Tone more than topics."

Adam didn't know what the word meant, and he hadn't yet gotten far in the Codex. The gender and the familiarity of it aroused a spike of jealousy in him, but he squashed that quickly, not wanting to start another fight. "What does that mean, parabatai?"

Even as he told himself it was ridiculous to blush over Adam almost holding hands with him, Alec couldn't hide his reaction. Keeping his head bowed he pretended he was focusing on keeping the color even instead of hiding the fact that he was acting like a Mundie teenager.

"Tone is what set me off before," he admitted, not sure if he had been justified in that reaction or not. "It reminded me of how my mother's reacted to everything. She's furious that she can't use me in a political marriage now."

Turning Adam's hand to make sure that the polish was even, he considered the best way to explain Jace's role in his life. "Parabatai are bonded warriors. We go through a ceremony and make certain vows to each other. We promise to fight together. We'll take care of each other's families." The part about dying probably wasn't something that Adam wanted to hear. Pausing, he remembered Clary's snide comments about how close he was to Jace. "We're literally platonic soul mates. Jace and I went through the ceremony when we were fifteen."

Adam shifted once Alec finished his first hand, letting his knee rest against Alec's. He admired the color, considering how it looked against his hand. It felt strange, heavy, and he could tell that it was still wet, so he was careful not to touch them.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, half sympathy for Alec's difficulties with his mother, which made it easier to get the apology out.

"Was it your choice?" he asked, puzzled by the custom of soul-bonding two warriors. Alec said it was literal and Adam believed him. He was soul-bound to a ley line, after all.

Alec almost said that it was okay, but that made it sound like he was dismissing Adam's apology. "Thank you. I wasn't sure if you really did think it was brave or if - " If he thought that Alec should have gone through the marriage to improve his family's relations with the Clave.

The answer to Adam's questions should have been automatic. He didn't regret becoming parabatai with Jace, but in some ways he hadn't felt like he'd had a choice. He wasn't forced but at the time he'd struggled with the decision. "It was. The bond is one of the most sacred things in our culture. It's more important than marriage." Marriages could end, but parabatai rarely broke the bond. "No one would force that bond. And it's not something that we rush into because we'll be bound together for the rest of our lives and beyond."

"Of course I thought you were brave," Adam said, confused that Alec had doubted that part of what he'd said.

He thought quietly over Alec's explanations, meeting Alec's eyes calmly whenever he looked up. It was strange how safe he felt, with Alec this close to him, touching him, and it brought a tiny smile to his lips. He studied the curve of Alec's eyebrows, admiring how handsome he was.

"Is there anything in the Codex about Shadowhunter courtship traditions?" Adam asked, practical-minded about his crush even though he was also curious as to whether Alec would assume they were talking about him or if he would try to dismiss it. "If there's someone I want to ask out."

"Shadowhunters aren't supposed to come out. They're supposed to marry and pretend that they're happy." What Alec had done was still causing waves within the Institutes as others started coming out too. "Most of the older generations think what I did was selfish. They'll say I was brave, but you can tell that they think what I did was wrong."

Alec knew that he'd overreacted, especially when Adam sounded so angry. "I've heard that so many times that I thought you agreed with them." That hadn't been fair to Adam, but they both seemed to get conflicting messages from each other.

He arched and eyebrow at the comment about courting. There were rules, but he hoped that Adam wouldn't read that section of the Codex. Technically, Shadowhunters were only supposed to date Shadowhunters. The rules were regularly broken but officially it was against the Law. "There is but you can ignore most of it. Most of the courtship rules are related to marriage."

"And all of that is heterosexual and old fashioned," Adam concluded, nodding his understanding. The Codex rules didn't matter if they didn't take Adam or Alec into account.

"I grew up in rural Virginia," Adam said, shy and halting as he confessed his own history. "My father was racist, sexist, homophobic..." Adam wondered if that was part of why he'd never let himself consider liking guys. It would have been suicidal to do so while he was still living in his father's trailer. "I don't agree with any of that."

There was probably more of it in Adam than he wanted, but he was aware of that, and desperate to root it out.

"How long does it take to dry?"

"It makes sense why it was like that before. There weren't many of us and they needed us to have families." At least that was the logic that Alec had used to try to understand why everything he read said that there was something wrong with him.

Setting aside the polish, Alec considered the best way to address Adam's history. Their upbringing had some similarities. "Your father and my parents might have gotten along." Except the Lightwoods wouldn't have even acknowledged a Mundane. "My parents are racist in relation to the Downworld. Most Nephilim are. We're taught that Shadowhunters are elite and everyone else in the Downworld is a savage."

Which wasn't true. It hadn't been the Downworlders who were slaughtering others. The Shadowhunters of the past and then the Circle had been the real danger to the Downworld. "I don't agree with it either but it sometimes I act like I do. It's drilled into us from birth. I'm trying to be better." Maybe Adam was too if he was willing to tell Alec about his family. "I don't know if my parents are homophobic or they're angry that they can't sell me off now."

"Probably ten minutes to be sure. Usually I end up talking to Izzy for another half hour before we realize that I'm done. Or she makes me paint her toe nails."

Adam listened thoughtfully to all of it, glad that Alec had such a strong drive to be better and to improve upon his upbringing. "I want to be better, too," Adam murmured, though it was difficult to share something so vulnerable and personal with someone else.

"Do you want me to do yours?" he offered, nodding at Alec's hands. He still had the contact where his knee was touching Alec's, but he wanted a reason for their hands to touch again.

"Maybe we could work on it together." They already were. They'd promised to restore the ley line together. Most Shadowhunters wouldn't have agreed to that or, if they had, it would be for their gain, not to help others. "We've had two fights and made up. That's a start."

Looking down at their hands, Alec wanted to say yes. He wanted an excuse to stay with Adam, doing something simple that wasn't related to their responsibilities, but he also knew how people would react if he was wearing polish. Too bad Izzy hadn't given him the top coat. That wouldn't be as obvious as the color she'd chosen for Adam. "I do, but I don't think showing up with my nails painted would help my credibility right now."

"I kind of enjoyed our first fight," Adam admitted, ducking his head to hide his grin.

Alec's hands were strong and skilled, and Adam wanted to see him show off his archery, wanted to have Alec's hands on him longer, wanted to see Alec's hands adorned with a color he'd chosen for himself. He understood the hesitation, though. His parents disallowing something was one thing, but Alec's reputation and position as Head of the Institute was another. Adam respected the latter.

"We could do your toes," he suggested, after a moment's thought.

"You enjoyed it?" Why would Adam like to fight with him? Most people avoided confrontations... unless they were like Jace and Izzy who liked to poke at him just to see how grumpy he could act.

He wanted to say yes. He wanted to have the freedom to wear polish if he wanted to or do things that didn't conform to the usual roles of Shadowhunters, but it was too soon to start pushing more boundaries. Even if it gave him an excuse to stay close to Adam.

Wrinkling his nose, he shook his head at the suggestion. "You shouldn't have to deal with my feet. There doesn't have to be a reason for me to stay here."

"I want you to stay here," Adam said. He was disappointed that Alec didn't want him to paint his toes, but he wasn't going to press the offer. Dropping his eyes, he studied his nails, admiring the way the paint shimmered and caught the light. He'd never thought about doing something like this before. It was a luxury and an expense, and his father would have beaten him for coming home with nails that sparkled.

Safe in Alec's company, Adam felt a little more wondrous with his nails painted, and he splayed his fingers, appreciating that he could try things like this freely. "I like how it looks."

It was silly but Alec almost envied Adam. He didn't have to conform to the roles that Alec did. He could have his nails painted or take college classes. Alec wasn't even sure what he'd take, but he was beginning to understand why Jace and Izzy were so fascinated by Mundanes. It was so different than their lives that it was almost impossible to wonder what it'd be like to live like that.

"I like it too," he said, hating that he almost sounded wistful over it. What would it be like to not care what his parents thought? Why did he care what his parents thought? Nothing he did would ever be good enough. "Maybe tomorrow we can find another color. Something a little less obvious for me."

Adam smiled warmer at that, pleased that Alec was considering it. "I'd like that." It had seemed like the sort of thing that Izzy might enjoy enabling, which Adam liked about her.

"Will you sit with me for a while as I do my homework?" Adam asked, scooting back a little to sit against the pillows. He didn't want Alec to go yet, but he didn't have any reasons to keep him here. Hopefully Alec had meant it about not needing a reason to be here.

He thought about what Izzy had said, suggesting that he kiss Alec, but everything still felt too fragile for that, and Adam didn't think he could hope for anything more than being tolerated.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject