marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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Slowly he began to relax when Izzy said that Adam wasn't afraid of him. If anyone else had said it, he might not have believed it, but Izzy wouldn't lie about that. She knew how much he struggled with social interactions, never pulling punches when he messed up or if he made mistakes. Despite his worries, he began to smile when she mentioned doing Adam's nails. "What color would you suggest for him?"

Glancing up at Izzy, he tried not to look too hopeful when she said that Adam wasn't angry at him. "I want more things that make me happy, I just don't know what those are." There were the hobbies that he hid from most people, but they were short term things, not the type of happiness that Izzy had discussed with him in the past. "I know he's not straight." Straight guys didn't stare at him the way Adam had. "But that doesn't mean anything. Looking at me and liking me aren't the same thing."

Izzy was surprised but a little bit impressed when Alec already knew he wasn't straight. "Something manly but with glitter," she suggested, craning her neck to consider the available options. "Take 'Imperium', it's the iridescent dark gray-blue one. It will look nice with his eyes. Don't bother with top and bottom coats. If he's never had his nails done before, he might want to chip it all off by the next day, so let him."

She watched her brother again once she'd made her decision, liking the way he smiled at the thought of doing Adam's nails and the way he looked hopeful that Adam wasn't angry at him. "Do you like him?" she asked, softly, because that was the most important piece of information that she was lacking.

"Manly with glitter?" Alec was glad that Izzy knew which polish fit that description because he had no idea what that meant. He did look slightly offended at not using the top and bottom coats. If he was doing someone's nails, he preferred to do them the correct way. But she was right. Adam would probably want to get rid of the polish quickly.

Setting aside the bottle of 'Imperium', he continued applying the top coat. "I shouldn't. I still miss Magnus." But they all knew that things wouldn't work out with the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Knowing that Izzy wouldn't accept either answer, let out a sigh. "Yeah, I like him."

"I'm glad," Izzy said, relieved that they liked each other, even if they might still be too quarrelsome to make anything of it. "It's okay to still miss Magnus, and it's okay to like someone new. I'm glad you're liking someone new."

And she knew that Adam liked him, even though she considered that information given in confidence. "Enjoy it. Even if it doesn't turn into anything serious. You're both stubborn and prickly, so maybe it won't work out. Just enjoy it, okay? The boy you like likes looking at you. Maybe he likes you back. If you decide you want to find out, just remember his temper. I don't like that you've already fought twice in two days, and I don't like that he made you feel the same way the Inquisitor did. I don't want you dating someone who treats you poorly just because he's a cute guy who likes you."

As Alec finished her nails, Izzy relaxed back against her pillows, waiting for them to dry. "I still think it's the cutest thing I've ever heard that he asked you to pretend to be his boyfriend."

"It seems wrong to like someone else. Isn't it fickle?" That probably wasn't the right thing to say since Izzy liked to casually date, but Alec had never seen the appeal of that. When he allowed himself to consider being with someone, he'd wanted something more serious than that.

"I don't know how to enjoy it." He didn't have friends and he barely remembered when he'd done something that wasn't meant to improve his training or help the Institute. Maybe his music, but that was all. "I don't like that we fought twice in two days. It reminds me of when Jace first arrived at the Institute and he kept lashing out at me." But Alec had been patient then, waiting Jace out until the younger boy had finally learned that it was safe to trust him. "I'm not going to date someone just because he's cute."

Did he just call Adam cute?

Scowling at his sister when she mentioned the fake dating, he tried - and failed - to understand why she'd find that entertaining. "He didn't ask me if I'd be his pretend boyfriend. He told me that I was his pretend boyfriend and said he couldn't believe that we almost broke up after our first fight." Were all Mundanes weird?

“It’s not fickle,” Izzy reassured him. “Besides, I know you. You’ll be sure before you decide. If Magnus is worth waiting for and you’re not ready to move on, that’s okay. If you want Adam, that’s okay, too. There’s not any hurry. You could try talking about it with him. Tell him you’re interested but you want to take it slow before you start dating.

“Jace had his reasons for lashing out. Maybe Adam does, too.” Izzy rested her arms on her knees, giving him a sympathetic smile. “Go on, Alec. Go see if your cute boy wants your company. I betcha he does.”

Alec wanted to argue that there was a difference between fake dating and real dating. Looking didn't mean that Adam was actually interested. There were too many variables that Alec didn't know that Izzy was just assuming were in his favor. But he knew that Izzy would keep telling him to talk to Adam as a potential boyfriend. Alec wasn't sure if she was right. He'd need time to think about everything that had happened over the past few weeks.

"Maybe he does." Which meant that he deserved the same patience that he'd given Jace. "I'll go find him." He wasn't convinced that Adam wanted to see him, but he'd try. Izzy wouldn't let him live it down if he didn't. Picking up the polish that Izzy had suggested, he slipped the bottle into his pocket before promising Izzy that he'd try to get things to work.

--

Leaving Izzy's room, Alec started searching for Adam, checking the spaces that he'd introduced the magician too. Hopefully Izzy was right and Adam would at least talk to him. Wanting to spend time with him seemed like wishing for too much.

Adam was still in his room with the Codex on his lap when someone knocked. He tensed, wary, not wanting any company but Alec or Izzy. “Who is it?” he called. Relieved but also nervous when Alec responded, Adam called him to come in. He bent his knees up defensively, holding the book on his lap and looking at Alec with nervousness and guilt. Alec was here, at least, which was a good sign, though Adam was worried about how much Izzy might have told him. “Hey.”

"It's Alec." He still wasn't sure if this was the best thing to do. Adam seemed angry no matter what Izzy had said. Maybe being angry on Alec's behalf had turned into angry with Alec. When he entered the room, he didn't know what to do with himself. At first he started to fall into the parade rest that was normal when Maryse was confronting him over some perceived failure, and then he realized what he was doing.

Standing in the middle of the room like he was being briefed on a mission wasn't going to show Adam that he wasn't angry or that he wanted to be around him.

Slowly, he forced himself to relax, slouching more, hands drifting toward his pockets. His fingers brushed against the bottle of polish and he remembered what Izzy had said. "Hey. Iz said you were next on the list for getting a manicure."

Alec looked so stiff, but he didn't say anything in anger or give any practical reason for being here, and then he showed the bottle of polish and Adam's lips quirked in pleased surprise.

"I was mostly joking," he said, but he reached out for the little bottle anyway, interested in it. He turned it, admiring the deep charcoal and sapphire blue colors inside the bottle, and the almost mystical way that it was both colors at once, like a midnight sky. He'd never really seen or noticed nail polishes before, aside from girls sometimes having colored fingernails, but the color was so fantastical and wondrous that Adam liked it at once. It didn't seem at all like something overtly girly.

"Really?" he said, knowing that Izzy must have sent Alec but not quite believing that Alec wanted to be here and was willing to do his nails. He gave Alec a wry, lopsided little smile, hoping that it was this easy and Alec really had come just to keep him company.

Handing Adam the bottle, Alec stood beside the bed, not wanting to assume that he was welcome. "Izzy never thinks fashion is a joke." Mostly wasn't bad. It didn't mean that Izzy had guessed wrong and Alec had shown up like an idiot with nail polish as a peace offering. At least Izzy had chosen one of her better colors. One of Alec's favorites, actually. She'd probably known that since it was one he chose regularly for her.

"Yes, really." Adam wasn't saying no. He wasn't telling Alec to get out so that was a start. "I'm almost offended that she told me not to do it the proper way." It wouldn't last unless Adam was careful or magic could stop it from chipping. "But if you want me to, I'll do it." That probably wouldn't help mend things. "I like doing it. It's relaxing."

"What does that mean, not the proper way?" Adam set aside his book, crossing his legs and relaxing, losing his defensiveness now that Alec was here and they weren't fighting. He rubbed his thumb over his other thumbnail, looking over his blunt nails. If it was Izzy offering, he would be more likely to turn it down thinking that his nails weren't nice enough to paint, but he didn't think Alec would judge him for them. "I've never had my nails painted before."

It was soothing to have Alec back and not as defensive, and Adam was wary of saying anything that would drive him away again. He rested his hands on the bed in front of himself, spreading his fingers a little to offer them.

Edited 2019-01-04 04:30 (UTC)

"There should be base coats and top coats. Izzy thought you might want to pick it off later so she said not to use them." Assuming the question meant he was welcome, he sat down on the edge of the bed, rolling his eyes at his sister making up rules for Alec to follow when painting Adam's nails. "I've never had it done either. My parents wouldn't have approved for a couple of reasons."

They probably wouldn't approve of him knowing how to do Izzy's nails, but he didn't care. It was another way that they could spend time together without the pressure of their roles intruding. Taking the bottle of polish, he gave Adam a questioning look. "Does that mean you want me to paint yours?"

"I'd like that," Adam said, eyes lingering on Alec again, unable to pay attention to anything else once Alec was in the room. It felt like forgiveness, though Adam wasn't sure he deserved that. The prospect of Alec holding his hands was almost overwhelming, and a nervous little tremor went through Adam's fingers. "I'll be sure to thank Izzy."

Being around Alec relaxed him. It felt almost as though nothing had happened, as if Adam hadn't messed up. He leaned forward, letting Alec have his hands, though some nerves still showed in Adam's eyes. "I was awful to you earlier," he acknowledged, which was his best approximation at an apology.

Now that Adam had agreed, Alec wasn't sure what to do. When they were talking or working, he didn't think about the fact that he'd rarely been alone with anyone he might like. His infatuation with Jace became a part of his daily life so it was something he barely acknowledged. He'd spent the night at Magnus' loft, but that had been one night that he allowed himself to forget his responsibilities.

Now he didn't know what to do or how to act. Was this normal? It reminded him of the kinds of moments Izzy pretended she didn't enjoy in those rom-coms that she forced him to watch. Awkward teenagers trying to figure out how to talk to each other. Except Alec wasn't a teenager so he shouldn't be reacting this way.

Uncapping the polish, he took Adam's hand and slowly began applying the polish. "Chocolates are the best way to thank her." Pausing when Adam began to apologize, Alec glanced up then focused on the color. "I overreacted. It's hard not to when most people are treating me like it's contagious."

"I want you to be able to have the things you want," Adam explained. He did his best to keep his hand still, though his heart was thudding in his chest as Alec gently and attentively painted his nails. It felt thunderous, and Adam didn't know how Alec couldn't hear it. "I'm willing to fight for that."

Reddening, Adam cleared his throat awkwardly. "People other than you." He'd already fought Alec over it, and that hadn't gone well at all.

"I've got a temper," he added, though that also seemed like it was probably self-evident at this point.

Honesty was probably best even if Adam might not understand. "I don't know what I want. I've been so focused on no one finding out the truth or protecting everyone that I never thought of what I wanted." He could occasionally feel a faint tremor through Adam's fingers, unsure what it meant, but certain that he shouldn't ask. If Adam didn't want him to do this, he wouldn't have said yes.

"I hope you want to fight someone other than me." Looking up, he began to smile. Things didn't seem as bad after talking to Izzy and Adam had quit using that tone.

Humming softly, he checked the polish on one nail and began the next. "So does my parabatai. It took me awhile to learn how to not set him off. Are there certain topics I we don't have to stop fake dating?"

Adam smiled at Alec's mention of their fake relationship, and his fingers curled slightly against Alec's palm, not quite holding his hand but a half-unconscious gesture toward it.

"Wide and varied," Adam said, rubbing his thumb along the side of Alec's hand until Alec got to it and then holding it still. "Tone more than topics."

Adam didn't know what the word meant, and he hadn't yet gotten far in the Codex. The gender and the familiarity of it aroused a spike of jealousy in him, but he squashed that quickly, not wanting to start another fight. "What does that mean, parabatai?"

Even as he told himself it was ridiculous to blush over Adam almost holding hands with him, Alec couldn't hide his reaction. Keeping his head bowed he pretended he was focusing on keeping the color even instead of hiding the fact that he was acting like a Mundie teenager.

"Tone is what set me off before," he admitted, not sure if he had been justified in that reaction or not. "It reminded me of how my mother's reacted to everything. She's furious that she can't use me in a political marriage now."

Turning Adam's hand to make sure that the polish was even, he considered the best way to explain Jace's role in his life. "Parabatai are bonded warriors. We go through a ceremony and make certain vows to each other. We promise to fight together. We'll take care of each other's families." The part about dying probably wasn't something that Adam wanted to hear. Pausing, he remembered Clary's snide comments about how close he was to Jace. "We're literally platonic soul mates. Jace and I went through the ceremony when we were fifteen."

Adam shifted once Alec finished his first hand, letting his knee rest against Alec's. He admired the color, considering how it looked against his hand. It felt strange, heavy, and he could tell that it was still wet, so he was careful not to touch them.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, half sympathy for Alec's difficulties with his mother, which made it easier to get the apology out.

"Was it your choice?" he asked, puzzled by the custom of soul-bonding two warriors. Alec said it was literal and Adam believed him. He was soul-bound to a ley line, after all.

Alec almost said that it was okay, but that made it sound like he was dismissing Adam's apology. "Thank you. I wasn't sure if you really did think it was brave or if - " If he thought that Alec should have gone through the marriage to improve his family's relations with the Clave.

The answer to Adam's questions should have been automatic. He didn't regret becoming parabatai with Jace, but in some ways he hadn't felt like he'd had a choice. He wasn't forced but at the time he'd struggled with the decision. "It was. The bond is one of the most sacred things in our culture. It's more important than marriage." Marriages could end, but parabatai rarely broke the bond. "No one would force that bond. And it's not something that we rush into because we'll be bound together for the rest of our lives and beyond."

"Of course I thought you were brave," Adam said, confused that Alec had doubted that part of what he'd said.

He thought quietly over Alec's explanations, meeting Alec's eyes calmly whenever he looked up. It was strange how safe he felt, with Alec this close to him, touching him, and it brought a tiny smile to his lips. He studied the curve of Alec's eyebrows, admiring how handsome he was.

"Is there anything in the Codex about Shadowhunter courtship traditions?" Adam asked, practical-minded about his crush even though he was also curious as to whether Alec would assume they were talking about him or if he would try to dismiss it. "If there's someone I want to ask out."

"Shadowhunters aren't supposed to come out. They're supposed to marry and pretend that they're happy." What Alec had done was still causing waves within the Institutes as others started coming out too. "Most of the older generations think what I did was selfish. They'll say I was brave, but you can tell that they think what I did was wrong."

Alec knew that he'd overreacted, especially when Adam sounded so angry. "I've heard that so many times that I thought you agreed with them." That hadn't been fair to Adam, but they both seemed to get conflicting messages from each other.

He arched and eyebrow at the comment about courting. There were rules, but he hoped that Adam wouldn't read that section of the Codex. Technically, Shadowhunters were only supposed to date Shadowhunters. The rules were regularly broken but officially it was against the Law. "There is but you can ignore most of it. Most of the courtship rules are related to marriage."

"And all of that is heterosexual and old fashioned," Adam concluded, nodding his understanding. The Codex rules didn't matter if they didn't take Adam or Alec into account.

"I grew up in rural Virginia," Adam said, shy and halting as he confessed his own history. "My father was racist, sexist, homophobic..." Adam wondered if that was part of why he'd never let himself consider liking guys. It would have been suicidal to do so while he was still living in his father's trailer. "I don't agree with any of that."

There was probably more of it in Adam than he wanted, but he was aware of that, and desperate to root it out.

"How long does it take to dry?"

"It makes sense why it was like that before. There weren't many of us and they needed us to have families." At least that was the logic that Alec had used to try to understand why everything he read said that there was something wrong with him.

Setting aside the polish, Alec considered the best way to address Adam's history. Their upbringing had some similarities. "Your father and my parents might have gotten along." Except the Lightwoods wouldn't have even acknowledged a Mundane. "My parents are racist in relation to the Downworld. Most Nephilim are. We're taught that Shadowhunters are elite and everyone else in the Downworld is a savage."

Which wasn't true. It hadn't been the Downworlders who were slaughtering others. The Shadowhunters of the past and then the Circle had been the real danger to the Downworld. "I don't agree with it either but it sometimes I act like I do. It's drilled into us from birth. I'm trying to be better." Maybe Adam was too if he was willing to tell Alec about his family. "I don't know if my parents are homophobic or they're angry that they can't sell me off now."

"Probably ten minutes to be sure. Usually I end up talking to Izzy for another half hour before we realize that I'm done. Or she makes me paint her toe nails."

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