marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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"He's not following me around. I follow him around. Bodyguard, remember?" That explained away part of Izzy's observation. The rest.. "He didn't suggest pretending to be my boyfriend. Everyone saw me in his classes and assumed it." Adam would probably freak out if he heard Izzy say that he'd suggested it.

"Why would he be angry on my behalf?" The thought hadn't occurred to him and it still didn't seem like the right answer. "I gave the wrong answer. I should have said something that Maryse would have approved of." That he wanted to be Head of the Institute or to be a better Shadowhunter. The answers that he was supposed to give. "I'll get used to it, Izzy. We knew things wouldn't be easy after the wedding."

Izzy looked skeptical at this, peering at him as she thought it over. "How do you know that's what everyone assumed? Did people actually come up to the two of you and say so, or was it just Adam who suggested it?"

It hurt Izzy's heart that Alec was so lonely and so certain that he was going to stay that way. She wanted her brother to be happy, and from what she'd heard--and seen--Adam seemed to have some interest in that direction, too. "He really said that you shouldn't have come out?" she asked, wanting that to not be true because it otherwise seemed like her brother and the magician might be genuinely into each other.

"He said that people were assuming it." Alec couldn't be sure of that or not. He wasn't exactly adept at understanding social conventions outside of meetings and the power plays he had to referee for the Institute.

"I told him that I was gay so he wouldn't freak out if someone said anything." He'd been careful about that since he'd known some people wouldn't react well to the idea. Or to being around him since there were a few Shadowhunters that seemed to actually shy away from him now. "He didn't seem to mind." Which was why the sudden change in conversation had Alec at a loss.

"He said what I did was brave, but he sounded like Maryse or the Inquisitor when he said it." Taking a deep breath, he started on the colored polish, being careful to apply it perfectly. "I know what I did was right. I would have been miserable. So would Lydia." She hadn't deserved the embarrassment of having her groom leave her at the alter, but she deserved a chance to be with someone who could be a real husband for her. "Even when it's hard, I don't regret doing it."

"I know," Izzy said softly. "I'm glad you were true to yourself. I'm sorry that Adam was awful to you. I hope he meant it, thinking you were brave, and that he was angry on your behalf. I really did think he liked you. I can take over your guarding duties with him, I don't mind. That way you won't have to be around him."

She was sorry to be wrong about how Adam seemed to be drawn to Alec, but she trusted her brother's judgement, and if Alec was unhappy, that mattered to her more than anything involving some Mundane 'magician'.

"He wasn't as bad as some people. Mundanes just don't understand us." It was easier to think of it that way. Shadowhunters and Mundane cultures didn't work together. Clary and Simon had proven that. "It doesn't matter if he likes me or not." Alec shouldn't even be thinking of liking someone. Not after his crush on Jace and whatever had happened with Magnus.

"It's my assignment, Izzy. Even if I hadn't promised him that I'd stay, I can't trade with you because of this. You know what everyone would say." And then he'd never have a chance to prove himself. "It'll work out eventually or he'll request someone else."

Adam worked on his studies for a couple of hours, ignoring the Shadowhunter book for the time being. Eventually he crept out of his room to seek food, hoping to find Izzy before he encountered any of the others. Jace seemed like the worst, in a way. Maryse was intolerable, but she wanted something from Adam and he could handle any interactions with her if necessary. If Jace had heard that Adam had been awful to Alec, it probably wouldn’t matter that Adam had strategic value.

Izzy had seemed more approachable than some of the others, and Alec had spoken highly of her. Adam had already consulted with her on a couple of technical things as they all monitored the ley line’s interactions with the Institute’s systems, but he didn’t expect that she would continue being nice to him if Alec told her that Adam was a difficult person who had treated him cruelly. He tapped lightly at the door to her room, entering when he heard Izzy say 'come in'.

But when he did walk in, seeing Alec there, Adam froze just inside the door, cheeks going pink. "Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude." He took a quick step back, looking a bit panicked.

"It's okay," Izzy said. Adam looked so spooked, as though he thought Alec was going to bite him, and Izzy felt bad for him, even though she still felt protective of her brother. She looked to Alec to gauge his reaction. "Is it okay?"

Alec was so caught up in his conversation with Izzy and making sure that the polish was even that he didn't look up when someone entered the room. Usually only Jace or Max came to her room without announcing who it was so he'd have time to move away and Izzy could pretend that her big brother hadn't been playing with her makeup.

Expecting his parabatai, Alec went still when he saw that it was Adam who had entered the room. Slowly he capped the polish. He tried to ignore how uncomfortable Adam looked, but couldn't. He'd been civil when he left. At least he thought he'd been civil. Adam looked afraid of him.

"It's okay. I should go. There's reports I should review." He shrugged, and he automatically slouched in an attempt to take up less space. to seem less threatening. "And you two will want some privacy."

"No, I'm the one who's intruding," Adam tried to argue, feeling trapped and guilty at chasing Alec off, and at how urgently Alec wanted to go.

"Alec, my nails," Izzy complained, confused and worried about why Alec wanted out so fast and Adam was looking so spooked.

Adam felt wretched that he'd messed things up this badly and now only seemed to be messing things up worse as Alec made a quick retreat. He still felt as though he was the one who should leave, but he didn't know how without turning around and just walking out first, which seemed awkward and rude.

Speechless and miserable, Adam watched him go. "I was awful to him," he explained to Izzy.

"What happened?" she asked, inspecting her nails.

Adam looked off after Alec, still trying to figure out if he should go after him, but Adam was incapable of apologizing and he didn't know what to say, so he stayed to answer Izzy's question.

"I lost my temper." Coming over, he sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, also considering her nails. "Sorry, I don't know how to take over for him. I didn't know that was a service Alec offers." He smiled the tiniest bit, charmed by Alec doing his sister's nails.

"You could ask him to do yours," Izzy teased, carefully so as not to spook him.

Adam glanced up at her with a hint of a smile. "You think he would?"

"If you asked." Izzy smiled back at him, starting to suspect again that Adam liked her brother. "What happened?"

Adam grimaced, looking down at the floor and hesitating. He wasn't good at sharing his thoughts and feelings, but Alec had spoken so highly of Izzy, and Adam needed someone to talk to. "Is he really not allowed to want things?"

"It's complicated. He takes his duties seriously, and a lot is expected of him." Izzy wiggled her fingers as she waited for her nails to dry. "Did you really tell him he shouldn't have come out?"

Startling, Adam stared at her. "Of course not. I was trying to say that he should do more things like that. He should have the things he wants."

"Do you like him?" Izzy asked outright, hoping to surprise an honest answer out of him. He tensed like a deer in the headlights, which told her everything she needed to know.

Shy and guilty, Adam nodded.

Izzy sighed. "I'll talk to him again. What did you come here for?"

"I wanted to work on the technical specs for the field capacities, like we discussed."

Izzy gave him a serious look, because that was an important topic, even though she was worried about her brother. "Can it wait?"

"Yes."

"Can you just tell him you're sorry?" Izzy prompted.

Adam tensed his jaw.

Izzy sighed again. "Go find him and tell him to come back here and finish up. Please don't mention in public that he was doing my nails."

"I won't," Adam promised. "They look very nice."

That pleased Izzy, and she smiled at her nails, then waved her hand at Adam to shoo him. "Go kiss my brother and tell him you're into him."

Starting to stand up, Adam looked back at her in terror. "He doesn't even want to be in the same room as me."

"Maybe next time don't lecture him," Izzy suggested.

Ducking his head guiltily, Adam nodded, and went.

He searched the institute quickly looking for Alec, and stiffened his shoulders when he saw him, walking straight up and hoping that Alec wouldn't just walk away. "Izzy wants to talk to you again."

After he left, Alec wasn't sure where he should go next. He'd go stir crazy if he went back to his quarters. It was too early for him to sneak into the music room. Training would just add to his nervous energy.

That only left the library. Maybe he could get lost in one of the books he'd loved as a kid and forget about everything for a few hours.

He was paging through a book of Greek myths when Adam entered the library. Mentally wincing when he saw how rigid Adam looked. Like he was preparing for a fight. Letting out a sigh, he grabbed another book, one that was in ancient Greek so he'd have something more challenging in case the first book didn't give him the escape he needed.

"Thank you for letting me know." He sounded like he was talking to a Clave envoy, not someone who he had gone digging around old storerooms with. Trying to think of something to say, words failed him again. "I'll just - " He gestured over his shoulder, hating how awkward he felt. "I'll see you tomorrow for class."

"Okay," Adam said, quiet and unhappy as he watched Alec go. He didn't know what to think or how to feel. Izzy had been efficient and attentive, and had seemed to encourage him, but her encouragement had been little more than teasing, and so Adam didn't think he could trust in it.

He went back to his room, starting to read the book Alec had given him and trying not too think about Alec.

--

"Hey," Izzy said, when her brother re-appeared. She sat up, glad he was back and worried for him. "Good, I think they're dry enough to do the top coat."

Holding out her hands to him, Izzy watched him closely. "What the fuck was that about me and Adam wanting some privacy?"

When Alec entered Izzy's room, he knew he was going to get a lecture. The third or maybe it was the fourth of the day. Things were easier when Jace was beating him up. Maybe he should visit his parabatai the next time he felt out of sorts instead of Iz.

Putting down the books, he moved back to his spot beside her. Glaring at her as he grabbed the top coat, he considered not answering but Alec knew that she was trying to help. "Did you see how he looked when he walked in? It was like he thought I was going to hit him." Starting on the first nail, he kept his attention on her hand so that she wouldn't see his expression. "I couldn't stay if he's afraid of me." Which was going to make guard duty tomorrow even more uncomfortable than Alec had anticipated after he'd left Adam's room.

"I don't think he was afraid of you," Izzy said, gently, watching Alec as he worked on her nails. "I think he was afraid you didn't like him anymore. Also that you might not be willing to do his nails, because I think he was legitimately into that."

She didn't know where to start with these two idiot boys. She knew that Adam was interested now, but that didn't mean anything if Alec wasn't open to the idea. "I was right about him being angry on your behalf. He said he wanted you to have more things that make you happy. Also he's definitely not straight."

Slowly he began to relax when Izzy said that Adam wasn't afraid of him. If anyone else had said it, he might not have believed it, but Izzy wouldn't lie about that. She knew how much he struggled with social interactions, never pulling punches when he messed up or if he made mistakes. Despite his worries, he began to smile when she mentioned doing Adam's nails. "What color would you suggest for him?"

Glancing up at Izzy, he tried not to look too hopeful when she said that Adam wasn't angry at him. "I want more things that make me happy, I just don't know what those are." There were the hobbies that he hid from most people, but they were short term things, not the type of happiness that Izzy had discussed with him in the past. "I know he's not straight." Straight guys didn't stare at him the way Adam had. "But that doesn't mean anything. Looking at me and liking me aren't the same thing."

Izzy was surprised but a little bit impressed when Alec already knew he wasn't straight. "Something manly but with glitter," she suggested, craning her neck to consider the available options. "Take 'Imperium', it's the iridescent dark gray-blue one. It will look nice with his eyes. Don't bother with top and bottom coats. If he's never had his nails done before, he might want to chip it all off by the next day, so let him."

She watched her brother again once she'd made her decision, liking the way he smiled at the thought of doing Adam's nails and the way he looked hopeful that Adam wasn't angry at him. "Do you like him?" she asked, softly, because that was the most important piece of information that she was lacking.

"Manly with glitter?" Alec was glad that Izzy knew which polish fit that description because he had no idea what that meant. He did look slightly offended at not using the top and bottom coats. If he was doing someone's nails, he preferred to do them the correct way. But she was right. Adam would probably want to get rid of the polish quickly.

Setting aside the bottle of 'Imperium', he continued applying the top coat. "I shouldn't. I still miss Magnus." But they all knew that things wouldn't work out with the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Knowing that Izzy wouldn't accept either answer, let out a sigh. "Yeah, I like him."

"I'm glad," Izzy said, relieved that they liked each other, even if they might still be too quarrelsome to make anything of it. "It's okay to still miss Magnus, and it's okay to like someone new. I'm glad you're liking someone new."

And she knew that Adam liked him, even though she considered that information given in confidence. "Enjoy it. Even if it doesn't turn into anything serious. You're both stubborn and prickly, so maybe it won't work out. Just enjoy it, okay? The boy you like likes looking at you. Maybe he likes you back. If you decide you want to find out, just remember his temper. I don't like that you've already fought twice in two days, and I don't like that he made you feel the same way the Inquisitor did. I don't want you dating someone who treats you poorly just because he's a cute guy who likes you."

As Alec finished her nails, Izzy relaxed back against her pillows, waiting for them to dry. "I still think it's the cutest thing I've ever heard that he asked you to pretend to be his boyfriend."

"It seems wrong to like someone else. Isn't it fickle?" That probably wasn't the right thing to say since Izzy liked to casually date, but Alec had never seen the appeal of that. When he allowed himself to consider being with someone, he'd wanted something more serious than that.

"I don't know how to enjoy it." He didn't have friends and he barely remembered when he'd done something that wasn't meant to improve his training or help the Institute. Maybe his music, but that was all. "I don't like that we fought twice in two days. It reminds me of when Jace first arrived at the Institute and he kept lashing out at me." But Alec had been patient then, waiting Jace out until the younger boy had finally learned that it was safe to trust him. "I'm not going to date someone just because he's cute."

Did he just call Adam cute?

Scowling at his sister when she mentioned the fake dating, he tried - and failed - to understand why she'd find that entertaining. "He didn't ask me if I'd be his pretend boyfriend. He told me that I was his pretend boyfriend and said he couldn't believe that we almost broke up after our first fight." Were all Mundanes weird?

“It’s not fickle,” Izzy reassured him. “Besides, I know you. You’ll be sure before you decide. If Magnus is worth waiting for and you’re not ready to move on, that’s okay. If you want Adam, that’s okay, too. There’s not any hurry. You could try talking about it with him. Tell him you’re interested but you want to take it slow before you start dating.

“Jace had his reasons for lashing out. Maybe Adam does, too.” Izzy rested her arms on her knees, giving him a sympathetic smile. “Go on, Alec. Go see if your cute boy wants your company. I betcha he does.”

Alec wanted to argue that there was a difference between fake dating and real dating. Looking didn't mean that Adam was actually interested. There were too many variables that Alec didn't know that Izzy was just assuming were in his favor. But he knew that Izzy would keep telling him to talk to Adam as a potential boyfriend. Alec wasn't sure if she was right. He'd need time to think about everything that had happened over the past few weeks.

"Maybe he does." Which meant that he deserved the same patience that he'd given Jace. "I'll go find him." He wasn't convinced that Adam wanted to see him, but he'd try. Izzy wouldn't let him live it down if he didn't. Picking up the polish that Izzy had suggested, he slipped the bottle into his pocket before promising Izzy that he'd try to get things to work.

--

Leaving Izzy's room, Alec started searching for Adam, checking the spaces that he'd introduced the magician too. Hopefully Izzy was right and Adam would at least talk to him. Wanting to spend time with him seemed like wishing for too much.

Adam was still in his room with the Codex on his lap when someone knocked. He tensed, wary, not wanting any company but Alec or Izzy. “Who is it?” he called. Relieved but also nervous when Alec responded, Adam called him to come in. He bent his knees up defensively, holding the book on his lap and looking at Alec with nervousness and guilt. Alec was here, at least, which was a good sign, though Adam was worried about how much Izzy might have told him. “Hey.”

"It's Alec." He still wasn't sure if this was the best thing to do. Adam seemed angry no matter what Izzy had said. Maybe being angry on Alec's behalf had turned into angry with Alec. When he entered the room, he didn't know what to do with himself. At first he started to fall into the parade rest that was normal when Maryse was confronting him over some perceived failure, and then he realized what he was doing.

Standing in the middle of the room like he was being briefed on a mission wasn't going to show Adam that he wasn't angry or that he wanted to be around him.

Slowly, he forced himself to relax, slouching more, hands drifting toward his pockets. His fingers brushed against the bottle of polish and he remembered what Izzy had said. "Hey. Iz said you were next on the list for getting a manicure."

Alec looked so stiff, but he didn't say anything in anger or give any practical reason for being here, and then he showed the bottle of polish and Adam's lips quirked in pleased surprise.

"I was mostly joking," he said, but he reached out for the little bottle anyway, interested in it. He turned it, admiring the deep charcoal and sapphire blue colors inside the bottle, and the almost mystical way that it was both colors at once, like a midnight sky. He'd never really seen or noticed nail polishes before, aside from girls sometimes having colored fingernails, but the color was so fantastical and wondrous that Adam liked it at once. It didn't seem at all like something overtly girly.

"Really?" he said, knowing that Izzy must have sent Alec but not quite believing that Alec wanted to be here and was willing to do his nails. He gave Alec a wry, lopsided little smile, hoping that it was this easy and Alec really had come just to keep him company.

Handing Adam the bottle, Alec stood beside the bed, not wanting to assume that he was welcome. "Izzy never thinks fashion is a joke." Mostly wasn't bad. It didn't mean that Izzy had guessed wrong and Alec had shown up like an idiot with nail polish as a peace offering. At least Izzy had chosen one of her better colors. One of Alec's favorites, actually. She'd probably known that since it was one he chose regularly for her.

"Yes, really." Adam wasn't saying no. He wasn't telling Alec to get out so that was a start. "I'm almost offended that she told me not to do it the proper way." It wouldn't last unless Adam was careful or magic could stop it from chipping. "But if you want me to, I'll do it." That probably wouldn't help mend things. "I like doing it. It's relaxing."

"What does that mean, not the proper way?" Adam set aside his book, crossing his legs and relaxing, losing his defensiveness now that Alec was here and they weren't fighting. He rubbed his thumb over his other thumbnail, looking over his blunt nails. If it was Izzy offering, he would be more likely to turn it down thinking that his nails weren't nice enough to paint, but he didn't think Alec would judge him for them. "I've never had my nails painted before."

It was soothing to have Alec back and not as defensive, and Adam was wary of saying anything that would drive him away again. He rested his hands on the bed in front of himself, spreading his fingers a little to offer them.

Edited 2019-01-04 04:30 (UTC)

"There should be base coats and top coats. Izzy thought you might want to pick it off later so she said not to use them." Assuming the question meant he was welcome, he sat down on the edge of the bed, rolling his eyes at his sister making up rules for Alec to follow when painting Adam's nails. "I've never had it done either. My parents wouldn't have approved for a couple of reasons."

They probably wouldn't approve of him knowing how to do Izzy's nails, but he didn't care. It was another way that they could spend time together without the pressure of their roles intruding. Taking the bottle of polish, he gave Adam a questioning look. "Does that mean you want me to paint yours?"

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