marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I have made my choices. I chose to make those sacrifices." Sometimes it hadn't felt like Alec had a choice, but he couldn't blame others for most of the choices he'd made. He could have requested a position at another Institute. That would have given him a different set of choices, but he couldn't leave his siblings. He wanted to explain, but after Clary's rants about how barbaric Shadowhunter society was, he already knew how that would be received.

Most Mundanes didn't understand. They couldn't understand or refused to. They had choices. They weren't born into a specific role. They could do anything they wanted. They didn't pledge themselves to a higher good while they were still children. "Sacrificing ourselves is what Nephilim do."

From the way Adam was glaring at him and the way he seemed ready for a fight, he didn't believe that Alec had made the right decisions and coming out... At least Izzy and Jace were proud of him. "Sure you do." He managed to keep most of the sarcasm out of his voice. Standing he glanced over his shoulder as he headed for the door. Best to retreat than for things to turn ugly and he said something he regretted. It was bad enough that he was still struggling to keep things together with Jace. He shouldn't be fighting with Adam too. "You probably have things to do for tomorrow. If there's anything in the book that you don't understand, Izzy or I can answer your questions."

Adam ached as Alec headed for the door, but he kept his mouth shut. He’d already been unpleasant enough to Alec. It was no wonder Alec didn’t want to be around him anymore. Adam was unlikeable, and he couldn’t seem to change that, no matter how much he wanted to. Any chance he ever might have had with Alec was ruined now that he’d made Alec not want to be around him.

And he still had no idea what Alec wanted, or what would make him happy, which had been all Adam wanted to know.

--

Izzy was in her room, meticulously removing her old and chipped nail polish from her fingers and toes. She looked up curiously when her brother came in like a thundercloud, but didn't stop what she was doing. Alec's face told her that he'd just had a very frustrating fight with someone, but there was no real way to narrow it down. It could have been either of their parents, Jace, Clary, Adam, half the Institute...

"What happened?" she asked, arching an eyebrow at him because she knew that he was going to tell her, even if it took some prying.

It took longer than normal to calm down. He paced his room, considered finding Jace and spar but he knew that he was with Clary. A tour through the library left him frustrated. Eventually he ended up in Izzy's room, resuming his pacing and trying to find the words to answer her.

The problem was that there wasn't an answer. "The Mundane. Magician." Izzy would know who he meant. "I don't know why I try to talk to them. They always - " Made him feel like he was a failure, but everyone except Izzy and Magnus had thought of him as a failure lately. "Things were supposed to get easier after we found Valentine." And after he came out but everything was more complicated now.

Izzy frowned at Alec's spill of words, which didn't tell her much. She'd noticed how quickly Alec and Adam had become inseparable, and the way that their attention fixed on each other whenever they were in the same room, but she hadn't had much time to figure out more than that about what was going on between them.

Something was definitely going on, however. If the Mundane was only Alec's duty and he'd said something crass, Alec would have brushed it off. He dealt with people saying impolite things to him every single day. But whatever this was had deeply upset him in a way he couldn't clearly articulate.

Setting her nail polish remover aside for the moment, she sat forward. Clearly this situation needed her help, but she didn't have enough information to fix it just yet.

"Come here," she ordered, with a sigh. Boys. So dramatic. "Tell me what he did and why you're so upset about it."

Slowly moving toward his sister, Alec eyed the polish and knew that he was probably going to end up doing her nails while she tried to untangle what he was trying to say. He didn't mind. It was soothing to do something without having a goal other than making sure that Izzy's nails were as perfect as possible.

Sitting down next to her, he still struggled to explain. He shouldn't be bothered by what Adam had said. He'd heard those types of comments before. But with Adam it had almost been as surprising and painful as when Jace had lashed out at him about Clary.

"They should have gave guard duty to you. You understand Mundanes." Letting out a sigh, he began looking through her polishes, trying to find the ones that didn't drive him crazy when he tried to apply them. If their parents knew that he'd been giving her manicures for years... "We talked. I told him about coming out. And some other things."

"And?" Izzy prompted. She shifted so that she could stretch out her legs into his lap, poking him in the side with her toe to pry the story out of him. This was going to take some effort. "What did he say?"

She added a base coat and a top coat to his selections, considering the set for a moment before deciding it was acceptable.

"It sounded like I was talking to Maryse." Not quite that bad but the tone was reminiscent enough. "Every decision I make is wrong. I don't understand that those decisions and their consequences." Alec was always thinking of the consequences, choosing each action based on which would keep Izzy and Jace free of their parents meddling or keep them safe from the Clave. "I'm avoiding my responsibilities."

Picking up the nail polish remover, he remembered how Adam had sounded when he'd said that Alec was brave to come out. "I guess I'm not used to the reactions to me being out yet." Taking Izzy's hand, he began scrubbing off the old polish. "I expected it from Maryse when she cornered me today. I didn't expect it from Adam."

"It's weird that he thinks it's his business," Izzy said, pursing her lips and scowling. Adam had seemed sweet and earnest when she'd met him, not bigoted and controlling. This still didn't make sense. She was missing something of what had happened. Large chunks of what had happened, probably. "Back up and give me the play-by-play. Not just the summary version."

Shrugging, he focused on the next nail, surprised at the chips. Usually Izzy was more careful than that. He'd return from a mission looking like someone had tried to tear him apart and she always looked perfect. Slowly, he began to explain what had happened during the past few days, omitting what had happened with the ley lines. That he glossed over, saying that Adam was researching the lines and the Institute's systems.

He told her about the college classes and everyone assuming that Alec was Adam's boyfriend. The fight when Adam had warned him of the damage he could do if he wanted. Their talks and how Alec thought that he was getting better at interacting with others. Adam staring and his own reaction to that attention he kept to himself. "He thought I'd be a good choice as Head of the Institute. He wants to help me earn it back." Another reason why he'd thought it was working out better than Alec's usual interactions with others outside his family.

"We talked about the things we'd done for our friends and family." Sacrifices had started the conversation's downward spiral. "He asked me what I wanted and I told him." Kind of. "Then everything - " He set aside the nail polish remover and reached for base coat. "Then the second lecture of the day."

"Hang on," Izzy said, wrinkling her nose at that sudden turn, when Adam had seemed interested and supportive--even if he was more inclined to argument than Izzy would have expected, she was also surprised and intrigued that Adam had stuck around and even liked Alec better after the threat and their first fight. "He wanted to know what you wanted? What exactly did you tell him that you wanted?"

Alec kept staring at Izzy's nails and the bottle of base coat, trying to remember exactly what he'd said. "I didn't say." With anyone else he would have made up an excuse or not bothered to answer but Izzy had always been there for him, being the voice of reason when he needed it. "I don't know what I want." Other than the Inquisitor to give the Institute back to him. "I told him that I used to wish that I could have the choices that you and Jace have."

She'd probably be angry over that answer but she also knew how he always put their happiness before his own.

Izzy huffed out a breath that was almost an exasperated little laugh. "You told the cute guy who keeps following you around, staring at you, who suggested that he could pretend to be your boyfriend, who wanted to know your interests and desires, that you weren't allowed to have things that you want, and that's when he got angry?"

Rolling her eyes toward the ceiling, Izzy prayed to the angel for patience. "Is it possible that he wasn't angry at you but angry on your behalf?"

"He's not following me around. I follow him around. Bodyguard, remember?" That explained away part of Izzy's observation. The rest.. "He didn't suggest pretending to be my boyfriend. Everyone saw me in his classes and assumed it." Adam would probably freak out if he heard Izzy say that he'd suggested it.

"Why would he be angry on my behalf?" The thought hadn't occurred to him and it still didn't seem like the right answer. "I gave the wrong answer. I should have said something that Maryse would have approved of." That he wanted to be Head of the Institute or to be a better Shadowhunter. The answers that he was supposed to give. "I'll get used to it, Izzy. We knew things wouldn't be easy after the wedding."

Izzy looked skeptical at this, peering at him as she thought it over. "How do you know that's what everyone assumed? Did people actually come up to the two of you and say so, or was it just Adam who suggested it?"

It hurt Izzy's heart that Alec was so lonely and so certain that he was going to stay that way. She wanted her brother to be happy, and from what she'd heard--and seen--Adam seemed to have some interest in that direction, too. "He really said that you shouldn't have come out?" she asked, wanting that to not be true because it otherwise seemed like her brother and the magician might be genuinely into each other.

"He said that people were assuming it." Alec couldn't be sure of that or not. He wasn't exactly adept at understanding social conventions outside of meetings and the power plays he had to referee for the Institute.

"I told him that I was gay so he wouldn't freak out if someone said anything." He'd been careful about that since he'd known some people wouldn't react well to the idea. Or to being around him since there were a few Shadowhunters that seemed to actually shy away from him now. "He didn't seem to mind." Which was why the sudden change in conversation had Alec at a loss.

"He said what I did was brave, but he sounded like Maryse or the Inquisitor when he said it." Taking a deep breath, he started on the colored polish, being careful to apply it perfectly. "I know what I did was right. I would have been miserable. So would Lydia." She hadn't deserved the embarrassment of having her groom leave her at the alter, but she deserved a chance to be with someone who could be a real husband for her. "Even when it's hard, I don't regret doing it."

"I know," Izzy said softly. "I'm glad you were true to yourself. I'm sorry that Adam was awful to you. I hope he meant it, thinking you were brave, and that he was angry on your behalf. I really did think he liked you. I can take over your guarding duties with him, I don't mind. That way you won't have to be around him."

She was sorry to be wrong about how Adam seemed to be drawn to Alec, but she trusted her brother's judgement, and if Alec was unhappy, that mattered to her more than anything involving some Mundane 'magician'.

"He wasn't as bad as some people. Mundanes just don't understand us." It was easier to think of it that way. Shadowhunters and Mundane cultures didn't work together. Clary and Simon had proven that. "It doesn't matter if he likes me or not." Alec shouldn't even be thinking of liking someone. Not after his crush on Jace and whatever had happened with Magnus.

"It's my assignment, Izzy. Even if I hadn't promised him that I'd stay, I can't trade with you because of this. You know what everyone would say." And then he'd never have a chance to prove himself. "It'll work out eventually or he'll request someone else."

Adam worked on his studies for a couple of hours, ignoring the Shadowhunter book for the time being. Eventually he crept out of his room to seek food, hoping to find Izzy before he encountered any of the others. Jace seemed like the worst, in a way. Maryse was intolerable, but she wanted something from Adam and he could handle any interactions with her if necessary. If Jace had heard that Adam had been awful to Alec, it probably wouldn’t matter that Adam had strategic value.

Izzy had seemed more approachable than some of the others, and Alec had spoken highly of her. Adam had already consulted with her on a couple of technical things as they all monitored the ley line’s interactions with the Institute’s systems, but he didn’t expect that she would continue being nice to him if Alec told her that Adam was a difficult person who had treated him cruelly. He tapped lightly at the door to her room, entering when he heard Izzy say 'come in'.

But when he did walk in, seeing Alec there, Adam froze just inside the door, cheeks going pink. "Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude." He took a quick step back, looking a bit panicked.

"It's okay," Izzy said. Adam looked so spooked, as though he thought Alec was going to bite him, and Izzy felt bad for him, even though she still felt protective of her brother. She looked to Alec to gauge his reaction. "Is it okay?"

Alec was so caught up in his conversation with Izzy and making sure that the polish was even that he didn't look up when someone entered the room. Usually only Jace or Max came to her room without announcing who it was so he'd have time to move away and Izzy could pretend that her big brother hadn't been playing with her makeup.

Expecting his parabatai, Alec went still when he saw that it was Adam who had entered the room. Slowly he capped the polish. He tried to ignore how uncomfortable Adam looked, but couldn't. He'd been civil when he left. At least he thought he'd been civil. Adam looked afraid of him.

"It's okay. I should go. There's reports I should review." He shrugged, and he automatically slouched in an attempt to take up less space. to seem less threatening. "And you two will want some privacy."

"No, I'm the one who's intruding," Adam tried to argue, feeling trapped and guilty at chasing Alec off, and at how urgently Alec wanted to go.

"Alec, my nails," Izzy complained, confused and worried about why Alec wanted out so fast and Adam was looking so spooked.

Adam felt wretched that he'd messed things up this badly and now only seemed to be messing things up worse as Alec made a quick retreat. He still felt as though he was the one who should leave, but he didn't know how without turning around and just walking out first, which seemed awkward and rude.

Speechless and miserable, Adam watched him go. "I was awful to him," he explained to Izzy.

"What happened?" she asked, inspecting her nails.

Adam looked off after Alec, still trying to figure out if he should go after him, but Adam was incapable of apologizing and he didn't know what to say, so he stayed to answer Izzy's question.

"I lost my temper." Coming over, he sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, also considering her nails. "Sorry, I don't know how to take over for him. I didn't know that was a service Alec offers." He smiled the tiniest bit, charmed by Alec doing his sister's nails.

"You could ask him to do yours," Izzy teased, carefully so as not to spook him.

Adam glanced up at her with a hint of a smile. "You think he would?"

"If you asked." Izzy smiled back at him, starting to suspect again that Adam liked her brother. "What happened?"

Adam grimaced, looking down at the floor and hesitating. He wasn't good at sharing his thoughts and feelings, but Alec had spoken so highly of Izzy, and Adam needed someone to talk to. "Is he really not allowed to want things?"

"It's complicated. He takes his duties seriously, and a lot is expected of him." Izzy wiggled her fingers as she waited for her nails to dry. "Did you really tell him he shouldn't have come out?"

Startling, Adam stared at her. "Of course not. I was trying to say that he should do more things like that. He should have the things he wants."

"Do you like him?" Izzy asked outright, hoping to surprise an honest answer out of him. He tensed like a deer in the headlights, which told her everything she needed to know.

Shy and guilty, Adam nodded.

Izzy sighed. "I'll talk to him again. What did you come here for?"

"I wanted to work on the technical specs for the field capacities, like we discussed."

Izzy gave him a serious look, because that was an important topic, even though she was worried about her brother. "Can it wait?"

"Yes."

"Can you just tell him you're sorry?" Izzy prompted.

Adam tensed his jaw.

Izzy sighed again. "Go find him and tell him to come back here and finish up. Please don't mention in public that he was doing my nails."

"I won't," Adam promised. "They look very nice."

That pleased Izzy, and she smiled at her nails, then waved her hand at Adam to shoo him. "Go kiss my brother and tell him you're into him."

Starting to stand up, Adam looked back at her in terror. "He doesn't even want to be in the same room as me."

"Maybe next time don't lecture him," Izzy suggested.

Ducking his head guiltily, Adam nodded, and went.

He searched the institute quickly looking for Alec, and stiffened his shoulders when he saw him, walking straight up and hoping that Alec wouldn't just walk away. "Izzy wants to talk to you again."

After he left, Alec wasn't sure where he should go next. He'd go stir crazy if he went back to his quarters. It was too early for him to sneak into the music room. Training would just add to his nervous energy.

That only left the library. Maybe he could get lost in one of the books he'd loved as a kid and forget about everything for a few hours.

He was paging through a book of Greek myths when Adam entered the library. Mentally wincing when he saw how rigid Adam looked. Like he was preparing for a fight. Letting out a sigh, he grabbed another book, one that was in ancient Greek so he'd have something more challenging in case the first book didn't give him the escape he needed.

"Thank you for letting me know." He sounded like he was talking to a Clave envoy, not someone who he had gone digging around old storerooms with. Trying to think of something to say, words failed him again. "I'll just - " He gestured over his shoulder, hating how awkward he felt. "I'll see you tomorrow for class."

"Okay," Adam said, quiet and unhappy as he watched Alec go. He didn't know what to think or how to feel. Izzy had been efficient and attentive, and had seemed to encourage him, but her encouragement had been little more than teasing, and so Adam didn't think he could trust in it.

He went back to his room, starting to read the book Alec had given him and trying not too think about Alec.

--

"Hey," Izzy said, when her brother re-appeared. She sat up, glad he was back and worried for him. "Good, I think they're dry enough to do the top coat."

Holding out her hands to him, Izzy watched him closely. "What the fuck was that about me and Adam wanting some privacy?"

When Alec entered Izzy's room, he knew he was going to get a lecture. The third or maybe it was the fourth of the day. Things were easier when Jace was beating him up. Maybe he should visit his parabatai the next time he felt out of sorts instead of Iz.

Putting down the books, he moved back to his spot beside her. Glaring at her as he grabbed the top coat, he considered not answering but Alec knew that she was trying to help. "Did you see how he looked when he walked in? It was like he thought I was going to hit him." Starting on the first nail, he kept his attention on her hand so that she wouldn't see his expression. "I couldn't stay if he's afraid of me." Which was going to make guard duty tomorrow even more uncomfortable than Alec had anticipated after he'd left Adam's room.

"I don't think he was afraid of you," Izzy said, gently, watching Alec as he worked on her nails. "I think he was afraid you didn't like him anymore. Also that you might not be willing to do his nails, because I think he was legitimately into that."

She didn't know where to start with these two idiot boys. She knew that Adam was interested now, but that didn't mean anything if Alec wasn't open to the idea. "I was right about him being angry on your behalf. He said he wanted you to have more things that make you happy. Also he's definitely not straight."

Slowly he began to relax when Izzy said that Adam wasn't afraid of him. If anyone else had said it, he might not have believed it, but Izzy wouldn't lie about that. She knew how much he struggled with social interactions, never pulling punches when he messed up or if he made mistakes. Despite his worries, he began to smile when she mentioned doing Adam's nails. "What color would you suggest for him?"

Glancing up at Izzy, he tried not to look too hopeful when she said that Adam wasn't angry at him. "I want more things that make me happy, I just don't know what those are." There were the hobbies that he hid from most people, but they were short term things, not the type of happiness that Izzy had discussed with him in the past. "I know he's not straight." Straight guys didn't stare at him the way Adam had. "But that doesn't mean anything. Looking at me and liking me aren't the same thing."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject