marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Alec had known that after the wedding disaster, he wouldn't be in his parents good graces. Robert had stuttered some attempts at either trying to be supportive or questions about how Alec had suddenly become gay. Those encounters were awkward, but they were tolerable most of the time. He hated how relieved Robert seemed now that Magnus was gone. He probably thought without the 'corrupting influence' of Magnus, Alec would become the good son again.

Maryse was more difficult to deal with. There was no attempts at understanding. She was furious at him for humiliating the family in front of the most important Shadowhunters. The ones that she was trying to manipulate for favors. As usual, her anger spilled out in harsh critiques of her older children. Whenever he could, Alec took the worst of it to save Izzy. This time the lecture covered a wide range of subjects.
His inability to control his siblings or Clary. The wedding. Magnus. He took it all silently, letting her question all of his decisions, his talents, his ability to lead. It was all things Alec had heard before but they still cut deeply.

Standing at parade rest, he silently waited for the lecture to end, clenching his jaw to keep himself from arguing with her or trying to defend himself. It wasn't until she mentioned being assigned to Adam that he finally spoke. "The Clave thinks that I'm capable of protecting him and so does he."

"What does a Mundane know?" she snapped. "You couldn't even keep the Fairchild girl safe. You did your best and it almost got her killed, Alexander. Do you believe we should take that risk with someone who can restore the Institute to its proper glory?" He continued arguing, but he knew it was a losing battle. Mayrse was planning on having him replaced. Probably with Jace and there was nothing he could say to prevent her from going to the Clave to request someone else be Adam's bodyguard.

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Adam stared at the hand, and then, more warily, at Alec. No one had offered him validation for what he’d done. Adam still believed that it had been necessary, and didn’t regret any of it. But he also still remembered Gansey’s face, and the sorrow on it. All of them had expressed regret and worry, and they’d all been careful with him after that, once he’d become strange and dangerous. Validation was alien to him.

Still staring at Alec’s hand like it was some kind of feral animal, Adam moved his own hand, touching his fingertips to Alec’s palm. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, but his hand decided for him, choosing contact. Alec’s hand was warm. Adam felt his cheeks heat, and he very carefully didn’t look up, afraid that the compulsion to kiss Alec might be overwhelming if he did.

If he hadn't had years of experience with Jace, he probably would have been insulted by how Adam looked at him. But being ten years old and having to deal with a wild, angry boy who was grieving for his father, he'd learned not to take things personally and to be patient. If Adam wanted the contact, he'd accept it. If he didn't, it didn't mean that he didn't want Alec near him. It was just how he felt in this moment, or while caught up in the past.

He remained still as Adam explored his hand, forcing himself to keep from curling his fingers beneath the light touch. At least not until Adam decided he wanted the contact, curling around Adam's to help anchor him in the present. Noticing the color that had spread across Adam's cheeks, he made sure not to comment on it or move his hand. Or ask if he was blushing over holding hands with him or because he'd told Alec something personal. "I've never had to make a sacrifice like what you did, but I've given up everything I've wanted since... Since I can remember. Even the wedding was a sacrifice.

I don't want you to have to make the kind of sacrifice you made before for us. If that's what it takes to fix the ley line, we'll leave things the way they are." Or Alec would make that choice instead of Adam.

“It’s the same ley line,” Adam explained. “I already have the connection to it. No more sacrifice needed, aside from the ongoing sacrifices of time and effort. The work required to restore it.” That was what sacrifice meant to Adam, after all. Time and effort. He was giving his life for the ley line a day at a time.

Looking up at Alec with a thoughtful, inscrutable expression, Adam studied him for a minute. “What do you want?” he asked, simply, wondering what desires Alec had sacrificed. He cared about Alec now, and wanted to know about the things Alec wanted, and to see if any of those things were within Adam’s power to grant.

Alec wanted to ask about the original sacrifice but that was another one of those subjects he knew better than to discuss. It was probably the type of secret that Adam wanted to keep to himself. When Adam was ready - if he was ever ready - he'd tell Alec about that sacrifice.

"I don't think of time and effort as a sacrifice." But Adam went to college and had a job. He had a normal life or wanted one. "But I was raised that I was always supposed to give those for my duties."

When Adam asked that question, Alec began to give the automatic answers he would if Mayrse had asked. The one that included being Head of the Institute. "I don't know. I'm the eldest. I'm supposed to give up everything to protect my family." Izzy's comments about crowns came to mind. So did the image of Magnus asking him to do something for himself for once. "I used to wish that I could have the choices my siblings had."

Adam took his hand back when the answer Alec gave him was little better than a platitude. He didn’t go far, simply resting his hands on the bed between them, still near to Alec’s hand.

All the same, he couldn’t fault Alec for it. Adam had spent all his life focused on surviving and building something above and beyond mere survival. He’d had no time for fun or relationships. He hadn’t had time for friends, either, but Gansey’s friendship was valuable enough to him that he made compromises for it.

“You know there’s an inherent contradiction in that?” Adam asked, and as soon as he said it, he wished he hadn’t. It was one of those things that always started fights with Gansey, Adam’s unwillingness to accept hypocrisy. But since he’d said it, he had to elaborate. “What’s best for your parents versus what’s best for the Institute. Your duty as a Shadowhunter versus keeping your siblings safe.” He paused, wishing again that he hadn’t crossed that line.

He was starting to be himself. Before he came out, he never would have acknowleged the jittery feeling in his chest when Adam was watching him. He wouldn't have let himself try to be friends with someone. Letting himself be interested in someone other than the attraction he'd felt for Jace would have been impossible.

And then Adam had to say something that reminded him of what Maryse would have told him if he'd voiced that wish to her. "I know there's a contradiction." His voice taking on the same level tone he used during her lectures. "That's why I'm not allowed to have what I want. I've only made one selfish choice and I'll be paying for it for years." He didn't regret it, but he knew the cost. Again, he thought of Izzy and her usual description of his life, seeming to fit the situation since they'd talked about kings before. "Heavy is the head who wears the crown," he said under his breath.

Best to change the subject to one that was easier to deal with. "The Codex will give you the basics on the different types of Downworlders and about Nephilim culture."

Adam glared at him, annoyed by the tone but more annoyed by Alec’s conclusion. It took him a moment to figure out how to put words to what he found so unacceptable about Alec’s statement. “It is the role of the crown to choose,” he argued. “Selfish or unselfish, you have to choose between conflicting duties. You cannot avoid choosing just by sacrificing more and more of yourself.”

He clenched his fists, annoyed at himself for picking this fight and not letting it go. But the idea of Alec not allowed to have anything that he wanted made him furious. It dug under his skin, reminding him of all the times he’d been called selfish and ungrateful for wanting anything for himself. He couldn’t stand the idea of someone treating Alec like that.

“I think it’s admirable that you made that choice,” Adam snapped, looking away with a bitterness that didn’t seem to fit his words. “It must have taken a lot of courage.”

"I have made my choices. I chose to make those sacrifices." Sometimes it hadn't felt like Alec had a choice, but he couldn't blame others for most of the choices he'd made. He could have requested a position at another Institute. That would have given him a different set of choices, but he couldn't leave his siblings. He wanted to explain, but after Clary's rants about how barbaric Shadowhunter society was, he already knew how that would be received.

Most Mundanes didn't understand. They couldn't understand or refused to. They had choices. They weren't born into a specific role. They could do anything they wanted. They didn't pledge themselves to a higher good while they were still children. "Sacrificing ourselves is what Nephilim do."

From the way Adam was glaring at him and the way he seemed ready for a fight, he didn't believe that Alec had made the right decisions and coming out... At least Izzy and Jace were proud of him. "Sure you do." He managed to keep most of the sarcasm out of his voice. Standing he glanced over his shoulder as he headed for the door. Best to retreat than for things to turn ugly and he said something he regretted. It was bad enough that he was still struggling to keep things together with Jace. He shouldn't be fighting with Adam too. "You probably have things to do for tomorrow. If there's anything in the book that you don't understand, Izzy or I can answer your questions."

Adam ached as Alec headed for the door, but he kept his mouth shut. He’d already been unpleasant enough to Alec. It was no wonder Alec didn’t want to be around him anymore. Adam was unlikeable, and he couldn’t seem to change that, no matter how much he wanted to. Any chance he ever might have had with Alec was ruined now that he’d made Alec not want to be around him.

And he still had no idea what Alec wanted, or what would make him happy, which had been all Adam wanted to know.

--

Izzy was in her room, meticulously removing her old and chipped nail polish from her fingers and toes. She looked up curiously when her brother came in like a thundercloud, but didn't stop what she was doing. Alec's face told her that he'd just had a very frustrating fight with someone, but there was no real way to narrow it down. It could have been either of their parents, Jace, Clary, Adam, half the Institute...

"What happened?" she asked, arching an eyebrow at him because she knew that he was going to tell her, even if it took some prying.

It took longer than normal to calm down. He paced his room, considered finding Jace and spar but he knew that he was with Clary. A tour through the library left him frustrated. Eventually he ended up in Izzy's room, resuming his pacing and trying to find the words to answer her.

The problem was that there wasn't an answer. "The Mundane. Magician." Izzy would know who he meant. "I don't know why I try to talk to them. They always - " Made him feel like he was a failure, but everyone except Izzy and Magnus had thought of him as a failure lately. "Things were supposed to get easier after we found Valentine." And after he came out but everything was more complicated now.

Izzy frowned at Alec's spill of words, which didn't tell her much. She'd noticed how quickly Alec and Adam had become inseparable, and the way that their attention fixed on each other whenever they were in the same room, but she hadn't had much time to figure out more than that about what was going on between them.

Something was definitely going on, however. If the Mundane was only Alec's duty and he'd said something crass, Alec would have brushed it off. He dealt with people saying impolite things to him every single day. But whatever this was had deeply upset him in a way he couldn't clearly articulate.

Setting her nail polish remover aside for the moment, she sat forward. Clearly this situation needed her help, but she didn't have enough information to fix it just yet.

"Come here," she ordered, with a sigh. Boys. So dramatic. "Tell me what he did and why you're so upset about it."

Slowly moving toward his sister, Alec eyed the polish and knew that he was probably going to end up doing her nails while she tried to untangle what he was trying to say. He didn't mind. It was soothing to do something without having a goal other than making sure that Izzy's nails were as perfect as possible.

Sitting down next to her, he still struggled to explain. He shouldn't be bothered by what Adam had said. He'd heard those types of comments before. But with Adam it had almost been as surprising and painful as when Jace had lashed out at him about Clary.

"They should have gave guard duty to you. You understand Mundanes." Letting out a sigh, he began looking through her polishes, trying to find the ones that didn't drive him crazy when he tried to apply them. If their parents knew that he'd been giving her manicures for years... "We talked. I told him about coming out. And some other things."

"And?" Izzy prompted. She shifted so that she could stretch out her legs into his lap, poking him in the side with her toe to pry the story out of him. This was going to take some effort. "What did he say?"

She added a base coat and a top coat to his selections, considering the set for a moment before deciding it was acceptable.

"It sounded like I was talking to Maryse." Not quite that bad but the tone was reminiscent enough. "Every decision I make is wrong. I don't understand that those decisions and their consequences." Alec was always thinking of the consequences, choosing each action based on which would keep Izzy and Jace free of their parents meddling or keep them safe from the Clave. "I'm avoiding my responsibilities."

Picking up the nail polish remover, he remembered how Adam had sounded when he'd said that Alec was brave to come out. "I guess I'm not used to the reactions to me being out yet." Taking Izzy's hand, he began scrubbing off the old polish. "I expected it from Maryse when she cornered me today. I didn't expect it from Adam."

"It's weird that he thinks it's his business," Izzy said, pursing her lips and scowling. Adam had seemed sweet and earnest when she'd met him, not bigoted and controlling. This still didn't make sense. She was missing something of what had happened. Large chunks of what had happened, probably. "Back up and give me the play-by-play. Not just the summary version."

Shrugging, he focused on the next nail, surprised at the chips. Usually Izzy was more careful than that. He'd return from a mission looking like someone had tried to tear him apart and she always looked perfect. Slowly, he began to explain what had happened during the past few days, omitting what had happened with the ley lines. That he glossed over, saying that Adam was researching the lines and the Institute's systems.

He told her about the college classes and everyone assuming that Alec was Adam's boyfriend. The fight when Adam had warned him of the damage he could do if he wanted. Their talks and how Alec thought that he was getting better at interacting with others. Adam staring and his own reaction to that attention he kept to himself. "He thought I'd be a good choice as Head of the Institute. He wants to help me earn it back." Another reason why he'd thought it was working out better than Alec's usual interactions with others outside his family.

"We talked about the things we'd done for our friends and family." Sacrifices had started the conversation's downward spiral. "He asked me what I wanted and I told him." Kind of. "Then everything - " He set aside the nail polish remover and reached for base coat. "Then the second lecture of the day."

"Hang on," Izzy said, wrinkling her nose at that sudden turn, when Adam had seemed interested and supportive--even if he was more inclined to argument than Izzy would have expected, she was also surprised and intrigued that Adam had stuck around and even liked Alec better after the threat and their first fight. "He wanted to know what you wanted? What exactly did you tell him that you wanted?"

Alec kept staring at Izzy's nails and the bottle of base coat, trying to remember exactly what he'd said. "I didn't say." With anyone else he would have made up an excuse or not bothered to answer but Izzy had always been there for him, being the voice of reason when he needed it. "I don't know what I want." Other than the Inquisitor to give the Institute back to him. "I told him that I used to wish that I could have the choices that you and Jace have."

She'd probably be angry over that answer but she also knew how he always put their happiness before his own.

Izzy huffed out a breath that was almost an exasperated little laugh. "You told the cute guy who keeps following you around, staring at you, who suggested that he could pretend to be your boyfriend, who wanted to know your interests and desires, that you weren't allowed to have things that you want, and that's when he got angry?"

Rolling her eyes toward the ceiling, Izzy prayed to the angel for patience. "Is it possible that he wasn't angry at you but angry on your behalf?"

"He's not following me around. I follow him around. Bodyguard, remember?" That explained away part of Izzy's observation. The rest.. "He didn't suggest pretending to be my boyfriend. Everyone saw me in his classes and assumed it." Adam would probably freak out if he heard Izzy say that he'd suggested it.

"Why would he be angry on my behalf?" The thought hadn't occurred to him and it still didn't seem like the right answer. "I gave the wrong answer. I should have said something that Maryse would have approved of." That he wanted to be Head of the Institute or to be a better Shadowhunter. The answers that he was supposed to give. "I'll get used to it, Izzy. We knew things wouldn't be easy after the wedding."

Izzy looked skeptical at this, peering at him as she thought it over. "How do you know that's what everyone assumed? Did people actually come up to the two of you and say so, or was it just Adam who suggested it?"

It hurt Izzy's heart that Alec was so lonely and so certain that he was going to stay that way. She wanted her brother to be happy, and from what she'd heard--and seen--Adam seemed to have some interest in that direction, too. "He really said that you shouldn't have come out?" she asked, wanting that to not be true because it otherwise seemed like her brother and the magician might be genuinely into each other.

"He said that people were assuming it." Alec couldn't be sure of that or not. He wasn't exactly adept at understanding social conventions outside of meetings and the power plays he had to referee for the Institute.

"I told him that I was gay so he wouldn't freak out if someone said anything." He'd been careful about that since he'd known some people wouldn't react well to the idea. Or to being around him since there were a few Shadowhunters that seemed to actually shy away from him now. "He didn't seem to mind." Which was why the sudden change in conversation had Alec at a loss.

"He said what I did was brave, but he sounded like Maryse or the Inquisitor when he said it." Taking a deep breath, he started on the colored polish, being careful to apply it perfectly. "I know what I did was right. I would have been miserable. So would Lydia." She hadn't deserved the embarrassment of having her groom leave her at the alter, but she deserved a chance to be with someone who could be a real husband for her. "Even when it's hard, I don't regret doing it."

"I know," Izzy said softly. "I'm glad you were true to yourself. I'm sorry that Adam was awful to you. I hope he meant it, thinking you were brave, and that he was angry on your behalf. I really did think he liked you. I can take over your guarding duties with him, I don't mind. That way you won't have to be around him."

She was sorry to be wrong about how Adam seemed to be drawn to Alec, but she trusted her brother's judgement, and if Alec was unhappy, that mattered to her more than anything involving some Mundane 'magician'.

"He wasn't as bad as some people. Mundanes just don't understand us." It was easier to think of it that way. Shadowhunters and Mundane cultures didn't work together. Clary and Simon had proven that. "It doesn't matter if he likes me or not." Alec shouldn't even be thinking of liking someone. Not after his crush on Jace and whatever had happened with Magnus.

"It's my assignment, Izzy. Even if I hadn't promised him that I'd stay, I can't trade with you because of this. You know what everyone would say." And then he'd never have a chance to prove himself. "It'll work out eventually or he'll request someone else."

Adam worked on his studies for a couple of hours, ignoring the Shadowhunter book for the time being. Eventually he crept out of his room to seek food, hoping to find Izzy before he encountered any of the others. Jace seemed like the worst, in a way. Maryse was intolerable, but she wanted something from Adam and he could handle any interactions with her if necessary. If Jace had heard that Adam had been awful to Alec, it probably wouldn’t matter that Adam had strategic value.

Izzy had seemed more approachable than some of the others, and Alec had spoken highly of her. Adam had already consulted with her on a couple of technical things as they all monitored the ley line’s interactions with the Institute’s systems, but he didn’t expect that she would continue being nice to him if Alec told her that Adam was a difficult person who had treated him cruelly. He tapped lightly at the door to her room, entering when he heard Izzy say 'come in'.

But when he did walk in, seeing Alec there, Adam froze just inside the door, cheeks going pink. "Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude." He took a quick step back, looking a bit panicked.

"It's okay," Izzy said. Adam looked so spooked, as though he thought Alec was going to bite him, and Izzy felt bad for him, even though she still felt protective of her brother. She looked to Alec to gauge his reaction. "Is it okay?"

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