marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

“I’d like that,” Adam said, knees going weak when Alec smiled at him. So he had a crush. This was a crush. He’d never had much time or energy for them before, when every scrap of his attention went to school and work and Gansey.

But it was still a pointless, wasteful thing, because Alec had his warlock, and even though Alec was gay, it was unlikely that he was interested in scrawny, stubborn magicians.

“We were going to talk,” Adam said, though he was struggling even to think about anything but how the muscles moved along Alec’s sides as he scrubbed his face with a towel. Adam wanted to know how his skin tasted with a yearning that felt absurd.

"I would too. Usually I don't get a chance to show off." If Jace found out about this, he'd probably show up just so Adam could see how terrible someone could be at archery to make Alec look better. He was never going to live this down since he was sure that his parabatai was looking for Izzy so they could gossip about Alec and his crush.

"We were. Do you want to talk about the ley line or the Downworld." Setting down the towel, he rubbed the back of his neck, pausing when he realized that Adam was watching him. Which should not make him want to stand around shirtless to see how long Adam would stare.

It really was like he was sixteen again... Except now someone was actually looking.

But wasn't Adam straight? No. He'd been supportive when Alec had mentioned the reaction to coming out. Adam had acted like his family hadn't approved either.

Pulling on his hoodie, he began zipping it up, looking up at Adam through his lashes. Gay? Bi? Fixated on his runes? Alec really needed to quit over-analyzing everything or he needed to ask Izzy how to know if a guy was interested in him. "There's a book that Shadowhunters read. It'd help you with the basics. I could lend you my copy."

Adam’s eyes locked on the zipper, fixated by the sight of Alec’s bare skin disappearing behind it. Realizing that he was staring, he pulled his eyes up with effort, only to find Alec gazing at him through those long lashes in a way that was deeply unfair. Adam’s heart stuttered, cheeks flaming as he held Alec’s eyes. He was pretty sure he was caught, because there was really no innocent way to explain why he was staring. He’d been caught staring before, but not often, and never inches away from that much bare skin.

He’d delayed too long answering the question, and it took substantial effort to remember what the question had been. “I’d like that,” he stammered, helpless and exposed.

He should have better control over his blushing. He'd spent years hiding every reaction to Jace and then struggling not to be too obvious about his interest in Magnus. His attempts had never been perfect, but they were better than this. He'd never blushed because a guy was looking at him. Not until now.

Adam was looking at him the way Magnus had. Not with the same confidence but with the same interest that had left Alec out of sorts, unsure of how to deal with someone noticing him and possibly being attracted to him.

Or how to deal with wanting to be noticed in a way that he'd been hiding from for years.

"I - uh - I can go get cleaned up and get the book." At least he finished the sentence with only minimal stuttering.

“Yeah,” Adam agreed, dropping his eyes. His mind immediately supplied an image of Alec showering, naked, water streaming down his body, wreathed with steam, and Adam banished it with effort. “Okay. I’ll be in my room.” He wanted to be alone, terrified of anyone seeing him like this, flustered and aroused. At least in his room he could find something to put over his lap.

Stealing one last glance at Alec, Adam retreated quickly, returning to his room and curling up on the bed in a sort of ecstatic agony. He’d never been so attracted to anyone. He’d never ached like this with a crush, yearning for Alec’s attention. It hurt, but he didn’t want it to stop.

He wasn’t sure if it was minutes or hours that he was like that, curled up and longing. When a knock came on the door, he sat up fast, grabbing the book from his nightstand to put over his lap just in case he needed it there. “Come in.”

Finally managing to control his blush, Alec began picking up his weapons and the rest of his gear. He was already planning a route through the Institute that would make it difficult for his siblings to track him down so they wouldn't tease him about Adam. "I'll meet you there."

As he put the seraph blades back on their rack, he looked over his shoulder, forcing himself not to smile when he realized that Adam was watching him. He really needed to quit acting like a silly teenager whenever Adam was around or there'd be another lecture about his duties and how coming out had changed him.

When everything was back in place, he took the less used route to his quarters, showering quickly and pulling on his less ragged clothes. Yep, Izzy was going to tease him constantly when she began to notice that he was acting differently. Or she was going to give him advice on how to talk to guys. He wasn't quite sure which situation would be worse. After finding the Codex among his old textbooks, he went to Adam's room, knocking tentatively on the door. When Adam said that he could come inside, he entered the room, making sure the door closed behind him.

Holding up the book, he smiled nervously before he noticed the book Adam was holding. "Am I interrupting? Do you have another assignment?"

“I always have another assignment,” Adam said, with a rueful smile. It was a relief to have Alec clothed again, and Adam felt a little more capable of coherent thought. He pulled his knees up a little, making space on the bed for Alec to sit. “This is important, too. Are you comfortable with us talking freely here?”

He’d noticed how careful Alec was with what they say and where, and he trusted Alec’s lead on this, but he didn’t know if simple walls provided privacy around Shadowhunters.

"College doesn't sound that much different from my training or all the paperwork I have to do." That was one thing he disliked about being in charge. The paperwork never seemed to end and it was a struggle to get time outside the Institute. That was a benefit to being Adam's guard. He could actually leave without feeling guilty about it.

Sitting down on the bed, he looked around the room, but he already knew that it was safe to talk in Adam's quarters. Before choosing the room, Alec had gone through it to make sure there were no cameras. "We record everything in the main areas, but bedrooms are off limits." Even Shadowhunters were allowed some privacy no matter how much the Clave liked to meddle. "It's rare, but Institutes are attacked so we have surveillance set up within the buildings and on the grounds. I didn't think you'd want certain things to become public knowledge."

“I appreciate that,” Adam said, eyes lingering on Alec. He set his book aside and crossed his legs, sitting forward, though he put the Codex on his lap instead, not trusting his body to behave itself while sitting on his bed next to his crush. “Do you want to ask questions, or do you want me to just talk?” he asked, then immediately thought of something Alec should know that Adam hadn’t yet had a chance to tell him. “I should tell you—I’m completely deaf in my left ear.”

"Your secrets are yours, Adam. I'll try not to push or ask you for information that you don't want to share." He hadn't liked having his own secrets thrown in his face so he'd try not to do the same to Adam. Alec knew he'd probably make mistakes, but he'd be trying to keep that promise.

"You're probably the one that has questions. You should ask first." Until they'd come crashing into Adam's life, he probably hadn't known about the Down World except from his work with the ley lines. Half the things that Alec mentioned probably went over his head.

It was probably polite to say 'I'm sorry' or something trite that really wouldn't help, but that didn't seem right. It would sound like pity, something that Alec was sure that Adam wouldn't appreciate. "That's why you're more careful of that side and move so that you're right side is closer when someone's speaking." Adam might not have even noticed that he did it, but Alec had caught the subtle shifts during their conversations. "I thought you were favoring an old injury. I'm sorry I didn't realize it before."

Adam was impressed by his attention to detail, and surprised how little it bothered him that Alec could read him so easily. “I should have mentioned it. It’s tactically important.”

His fingers traced over the book, thinking about what he wanted to know. “This will answer most of my questions.” The things he wanted to know were all more intangible. Do you still think about your warlock? Do you keep in touch? “Why is it,” he asked, voice quiet as he secured the question that he wanted to know, “that you’ve encouraged me to work for your organization, even though you’ve made clear that you don’t trust them?”

"It would have helped," he admitted. They might have been in danger if they'd been attacked and Adam couldn't hear, but Alec understood why it was something that wouldn't seem obvious to explain. Adam was probably used to compensating for his deafness or he didn't want to admit that possible weakness to someone he didn't trust. Probably Mundanes didn't accept such things as easily as some Shadowhunters would when everyone knew someone who had been seriously injured in battle and had to work through recovery.

"Later we'll have to figure out how much it'll hinder us if we're somewhere loud." Us, not you. They were a team now and Alec would have to learn to watch Adam's back the way he had with Jace. "Since I can't communicate with you through glares like I can with Jace, we may have to do some things differently."

It took a moment for Alec to realize that he was watching Adam draw patterns across the cover of the Codex. Forcing his attention away, he swallowed hard, telling himself that he was not supposed to stare at the guy he was guarding. "It's not the best source. Shadowhunters have their own bias and we don't know as much about Downworlders as we think." Magnus had proven that and Simon continued to defy the stereotypes related to vampires.

"The Institute and the Clave are two different things. The Institute is the place I grew up. It's where my family lives. My community. The Clave governs us. They enforce the Laws, but they're afraid of anything that's different." He paused, starting to pick at the knee of his jeans. "You know what people in power do when they're afraid." Looking over at Adam, his expression hardened as he remembered Izzy's trial. "They tell us to follow the Law but they ignore it whenever it's convenient and it gets them what they want. We almost lost Izzy because all they cared about was their power, not what was right."

Adam watched him with shy, lingering glances. He appreciated how respectful Alec was of Adam’s secrets, and was amazed by how easily Alec trusted him despite those secrets. It impressed him how much Alec noticed and correctly surmised. He was as intelligent as he was skilled, remarkable in every way, including his loyalty, and ferocity, and gentleness. Adam thought about kissing him, and how easy it would be to lean forward and taste Alec’s lips. But that wouldn’t be fair to Alec, who already carried so many burdens. Adam wasn’t about to ask him to carry the burden of being gentle with Adam’s crush.

“You’re going to be Head of the Institute,” Adam said, after a long and thoughtful pause. “And you’re going to use that power and stability to be a force of balance to the Clave. It’d be easier to disown it, or even to destabilize it. But you’re going to work tirelessly to make it better.” To protect Izzy and Jace, and Adam, and his Institute, and the city. Maybe even to protect the Clave itself. Adam didn’t understand it, but he saw it clearly in the way Alec handled duty. Loyalty went hand in hand with his sense of fairness and justice.

He was a different kind of king than Gansey, but Adam saw that same nobility in him. Alec was born to lead, and Adam wanted earnestly to belong at his side. The thought was followed immediately by the wrenching reminder that he no longer had a place at Gansey’s side. Alec would put him aside just as easily, when his warlock came back, or whenever the next love of his life came along. Sooner or later, Alec would realize that his path didn’t need Adam as anything but the magician beneath his Institute.

"Maybe. It's still not certain yet. The Lightwoods have a few stains on the family honor." Ones that Alec had foolishly thought a marriage would remove. At least Magnus had helped him come to his senses before he'd done something that would have made three people miserable for the rest of their lives. "Finding Valentine helped. You helping with the ley line will too, but there's no guarantee that they'll choose me."

But what Adam suggested... no more than suggested. He acted as if he knew that would be true. Like somehow he had a peek at what the future might be. Alec almost asked him if he had the gift of prophecy but thought better of it. Knowing the future wouldn't make it true and it might make him complacent. "We've seen what destabilizing it would do and there's still good in our Laws and the Accords. Our original purpose is right, but members of the Clave have forgotten what our duties are supposed to be." It probably didn't make sense. Especially to an outsider, but it did to Alec.

"All of this is probably weird to you and you're trusting me when - " When Alec had threatened to hurt him. "I'm sorry about before. I know now that you wouldn't... You wouldn't hurt Izzy, Jace, and Max." He normally didn't trust people so easily. He still didn't completely trust Clary but Adam had slipped through his defenses somehow. That should be terrifying but he'd spoken the truth. Adam wouldn't hurt them. "And now that I've felt some of what you do with the ley line, I know you wouldn't hurt the Institute."

“I don’t react well to threats,” Adam acknowledged, because he hadn’t reacted very well, and they’d fought. “But l don’t want you to be sorry for it. That threat made me respect you. I was impressed. You’re formidable.” His hands strayed restlessly over the cover of of the book, then crept forward to pluck at the bed. His fingers wouldn’t stay still, but Adam didn’t care as long as they kept from touching Alec.

“My friend Gansey—my best friend—was on a quest to find a dead Welsh king, said to be sleeping on the ley line. We thought to wake it up, to lead us to him, but it was more complicated than that. More dangerous than that. And there were others who wanted to wake the ley line, to take advantage of its power. We all knew that it took a sacrifice to wake the ley line.” Adam’s expression was distant as he spoke, gazing at a spot on the bed between them. “The others, they thought that meant murder. My Latin teacher... he murdered one of my friends. Would have murdered more of us, probably. Ronan and Gansey. None of them understood what sacrifice meant. So I did what had to be done.”

Adam turned over his hands, gazing at the palms. “I sacrificed myself.”

"It might have made you respect me but there were other ways I could have earned your respect." It hadn't been Adam's fault that he'd hit the one subject that would automatically make him aggressive. "I've been the one who had to protect them since we were kids. I've been protecting Izzy and Max - my little brother - since they were born." Even when he was barely able to walk, he had been ready to stand guard over Izzy and make sure that nothing hurt her. "When I was ten, I promised that I wouldn't let anyone hurt Jace again." Again. Damn. If Jace found out he said that, he'd be in trouble.

Trying to find a dead Welsh king should probably seem weird but considering the things he'd seen and done as a Shadowhunter, it didn't seem that strange. "It's always more complicated than you think." Like tracking spells to find lost parabatai and saving the world by locating a magical cup. "And more dangerous." The sacrifice to wake the line made him think of the one beneath the Institute. Would it take something similar... He began to ask why Adam's friends would think they'd have to murder someone when he realized that Adam meant someone else. The teacher who betrayed them like Hodge would have if they hadn't caught him.

Alec tried to think of the right words to say that he was sorry that Adam's friend died, that he'd been betrayed by someone he should have been able to trust. Instead he focused on how Adam's hands couldn't stay still as he described what had happened.

He remembered how frantic Jace had sometimes been when he'd told Alec about 'Michael' and how he'd wanted Alec's presence but sometimes didn't know how to deal with having someone near. Slowly he moved his hand so that it was beside Adam's, an offer of support if he wanted it. "I would do the same." For his family and his parabatai. "Sacrificing something that isn't important to you is easy. It's being willing to be the one to have everything taken away that's hard."

Edited 2019-01-02 05:10 (UTC)

Adam stared at the hand, and then, more warily, at Alec. No one had offered him validation for what he’d done. Adam still believed that it had been necessary, and didn’t regret any of it. But he also still remembered Gansey’s face, and the sorrow on it. All of them had expressed regret and worry, and they’d all been careful with him after that, once he’d become strange and dangerous. Validation was alien to him.

Still staring at Alec’s hand like it was some kind of feral animal, Adam moved his own hand, touching his fingertips to Alec’s palm. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, but his hand decided for him, choosing contact. Alec’s hand was warm. Adam felt his cheeks heat, and he very carefully didn’t look up, afraid that the compulsion to kiss Alec might be overwhelming if he did.

If he hadn't had years of experience with Jace, he probably would have been insulted by how Adam looked at him. But being ten years old and having to deal with a wild, angry boy who was grieving for his father, he'd learned not to take things personally and to be patient. If Adam wanted the contact, he'd accept it. If he didn't, it didn't mean that he didn't want Alec near him. It was just how he felt in this moment, or while caught up in the past.

He remained still as Adam explored his hand, forcing himself to keep from curling his fingers beneath the light touch. At least not until Adam decided he wanted the contact, curling around Adam's to help anchor him in the present. Noticing the color that had spread across Adam's cheeks, he made sure not to comment on it or move his hand. Or ask if he was blushing over holding hands with him or because he'd told Alec something personal. "I've never had to make a sacrifice like what you did, but I've given up everything I've wanted since... Since I can remember. Even the wedding was a sacrifice.

I don't want you to have to make the kind of sacrifice you made before for us. If that's what it takes to fix the ley line, we'll leave things the way they are." Or Alec would make that choice instead of Adam.

“It’s the same ley line,” Adam explained. “I already have the connection to it. No more sacrifice needed, aside from the ongoing sacrifices of time and effort. The work required to restore it.” That was what sacrifice meant to Adam, after all. Time and effort. He was giving his life for the ley line a day at a time.

Looking up at Alec with a thoughtful, inscrutable expression, Adam studied him for a minute. “What do you want?” he asked, simply, wondering what desires Alec had sacrificed. He cared about Alec now, and wanted to know about the things Alec wanted, and to see if any of those things were within Adam’s power to grant.

Alec wanted to ask about the original sacrifice but that was another one of those subjects he knew better than to discuss. It was probably the type of secret that Adam wanted to keep to himself. When Adam was ready - if he was ever ready - he'd tell Alec about that sacrifice.

"I don't think of time and effort as a sacrifice." But Adam went to college and had a job. He had a normal life or wanted one. "But I was raised that I was always supposed to give those for my duties."

When Adam asked that question, Alec began to give the automatic answers he would if Mayrse had asked. The one that included being Head of the Institute. "I don't know. I'm the eldest. I'm supposed to give up everything to protect my family." Izzy's comments about crowns came to mind. So did the image of Magnus asking him to do something for himself for once. "I used to wish that I could have the choices my siblings had."

Adam took his hand back when the answer Alec gave him was little better than a platitude. He didn’t go far, simply resting his hands on the bed between them, still near to Alec’s hand.

All the same, he couldn’t fault Alec for it. Adam had spent all his life focused on surviving and building something above and beyond mere survival. He’d had no time for fun or relationships. He hadn’t had time for friends, either, but Gansey’s friendship was valuable enough to him that he made compromises for it.

“You know there’s an inherent contradiction in that?” Adam asked, and as soon as he said it, he wished he hadn’t. It was one of those things that always started fights with Gansey, Adam’s unwillingness to accept hypocrisy. But since he’d said it, he had to elaborate. “What’s best for your parents versus what’s best for the Institute. Your duty as a Shadowhunter versus keeping your siblings safe.” He paused, wishing again that he hadn’t crossed that line.

He was starting to be himself. Before he came out, he never would have acknowleged the jittery feeling in his chest when Adam was watching him. He wouldn't have let himself try to be friends with someone. Letting himself be interested in someone other than the attraction he'd felt for Jace would have been impossible.

And then Adam had to say something that reminded him of what Maryse would have told him if he'd voiced that wish to her. "I know there's a contradiction." His voice taking on the same level tone he used during her lectures. "That's why I'm not allowed to have what I want. I've only made one selfish choice and I'll be paying for it for years." He didn't regret it, but he knew the cost. Again, he thought of Izzy and her usual description of his life, seeming to fit the situation since they'd talked about kings before. "Heavy is the head who wears the crown," he said under his breath.

Best to change the subject to one that was easier to deal with. "The Codex will give you the basics on the different types of Downworlders and about Nephilim culture."

Adam glared at him, annoyed by the tone but more annoyed by Alec’s conclusion. It took him a moment to figure out how to put words to what he found so unacceptable about Alec’s statement. “It is the role of the crown to choose,” he argued. “Selfish or unselfish, you have to choose between conflicting duties. You cannot avoid choosing just by sacrificing more and more of yourself.”

He clenched his fists, annoyed at himself for picking this fight and not letting it go. But the idea of Alec not allowed to have anything that he wanted made him furious. It dug under his skin, reminding him of all the times he’d been called selfish and ungrateful for wanting anything for himself. He couldn’t stand the idea of someone treating Alec like that.

“I think it’s admirable that you made that choice,” Adam snapped, looking away with a bitterness that didn’t seem to fit his words. “It must have taken a lot of courage.”

"I have made my choices. I chose to make those sacrifices." Sometimes it hadn't felt like Alec had a choice, but he couldn't blame others for most of the choices he'd made. He could have requested a position at another Institute. That would have given him a different set of choices, but he couldn't leave his siblings. He wanted to explain, but after Clary's rants about how barbaric Shadowhunter society was, he already knew how that would be received.

Most Mundanes didn't understand. They couldn't understand or refused to. They had choices. They weren't born into a specific role. They could do anything they wanted. They didn't pledge themselves to a higher good while they were still children. "Sacrificing ourselves is what Nephilim do."

From the way Adam was glaring at him and the way he seemed ready for a fight, he didn't believe that Alec had made the right decisions and coming out... At least Izzy and Jace were proud of him. "Sure you do." He managed to keep most of the sarcasm out of his voice. Standing he glanced over his shoulder as he headed for the door. Best to retreat than for things to turn ugly and he said something he regretted. It was bad enough that he was still struggling to keep things together with Jace. He shouldn't be fighting with Adam too. "You probably have things to do for tomorrow. If there's anything in the book that you don't understand, Izzy or I can answer your questions."

Adam ached as Alec headed for the door, but he kept his mouth shut. He’d already been unpleasant enough to Alec. It was no wonder Alec didn’t want to be around him anymore. Adam was unlikeable, and he couldn’t seem to change that, no matter how much he wanted to. Any chance he ever might have had with Alec was ruined now that he’d made Alec not want to be around him.

And he still had no idea what Alec wanted, or what would make him happy, which had been all Adam wanted to know.

--

Izzy was in her room, meticulously removing her old and chipped nail polish from her fingers and toes. She looked up curiously when her brother came in like a thundercloud, but didn't stop what she was doing. Alec's face told her that he'd just had a very frustrating fight with someone, but there was no real way to narrow it down. It could have been either of their parents, Jace, Clary, Adam, half the Institute...

"What happened?" she asked, arching an eyebrow at him because she knew that he was going to tell her, even if it took some prying.

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