marlowemuses | Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

"The Mundie's watching," Jace whispered, causing Alec to freeze. The words weren't condemning or in that tone of voice that his parabatai used when he discussed his 'book club'. Jace almost sounded...supportive? What was going on?

Twisting his head so he could look at his parabatai, he was about to tell Jace to move, but the words caught in his throat as Adam sent power from the line into him. His senses seemed sharper and he was sure that he could get away from Jace. But he knew that he'd end up wrenching his shoulder out of place no matter what the ley line power promised.

"Let's give him a show." Before he could answer his parabatai Jace had moved, picking up his favored axes again. Moving slowly toward his blades, Alec grinned. He could usually hold his own with Jace with weapons, but now with the boost Adam had given him, he could win.

The next fight was faster than Alec could normally manage, the two of them spinning around each other, almost playing instead of fighting. They taunted each other, but Jace seemed to become more and more surprised as he had to work toward a victory. Which made it a complete shock when Alec stepped in close, knocking the axes away and lightly tapping his seraph blade against his parabatai's ribs. "I win."

Jace didn't seem bothered by the loss, teasing Alec quietly about the Mundane before grabbing his shirt and heading out of the room to check on Clary. When he was sure that Jace wouldn't come back, he turned toward Adam. "You did come rescue me."

They started another round, and even Adam could tell that they were showing off for him, displaying their skill. Alec’s runes covered his arms and torso, and Adam’s eyes mapped them, tracing the way they clung to his muscles.

Adam’s belly felt hot and his heart was pounding, but it wasn’t until he started getting hard that Adam realized what was happening. He was getting aroused by the sight of Alec like this. Dropping his eyes, Adam quickly thought about something unpleasant—his father, and a memory that had led to a scar—until the erection faded. Then he carefully glanced up, immediately feeling the spike of arousal in his gut as Alec won.

What was this? Was he gay? He knew he’d been a little bit in love with Gansey, but that didn’t mean anything. They were all a little bit in love with Gansey. And there was Ronan, sharp and dangerous in a way that Adam had come to find familiar and cozy. Thinking about it again, Adam thought that he might have had feelings for Ronan, and if their life paths hadn’t been so different, something might have come of it.

But he’d definitely found girls attractive, too, and was pretty sure that he still would. Izzy was beautiful and dangerous and fascinating in a way that made his pulse quicken, but she didn’t hold his attention the way Alec did.

Bisexual. He was bisexual then, maybe, probably, and he was very attracted to Alec.

When Alec turned toward him, shirtless and sweaty, with a faint dusting of dark hair on his muscled torso, Adam felt dizzy. It took active effort to pull his eyes up to Alec’s face, and once he’d done so he couldn’t remember how to form words.

“You’re good,” he said, slightly choked and deeply awkward.

Edited 2019-01-01 06:08 (UTC)

By the Angel, what was Jace doing? It was like he was trying to set Alec up. Looking over at his parabatai, he mentally winced when Jace smirked at him. Usually that look had Alec trying to hide all those feelings he'd been trying to deny since he was fourteen but now it almost caused him to panic.

He was being an idiot. He'd been around attractive... when had he started thinking of Adam like that? He'd been around attractive guys for years and had never acted like an idiot until Magnus had crashed into his life. Maybe it was the magic? Maybe his 'thing' was magical guys and that's what Izzy had meant when she'd talked to him about pretty, magical boys?

Trying to distract himself from the voice in the back of his head that sounded too much like his sister, he grabbed a towel and began wiping the sweat from his face. Maybe that would help him hide his blush until he could stop acting like he was sixteen.

Slowly he lowered the towel when Adam spoke, smiling at the words, feeling more pride than he should over them since he'd had help. Adam had thought he'd done well. When was the last time someone other than Jace or Izzy had complimented him on his fighting? "Thanks. Next time watch me with my bow." His voice dropped to a quieter tone so that only Adam would hear. "I don't even need a boost to be the best at the Institute."

“I’d like that,” Adam said, knees going weak when Alec smiled at him. So he had a crush. This was a crush. He’d never had much time or energy for them before, when every scrap of his attention went to school and work and Gansey.

But it was still a pointless, wasteful thing, because Alec had his warlock, and even though Alec was gay, it was unlikely that he was interested in scrawny, stubborn magicians.

“We were going to talk,” Adam said, though he was struggling even to think about anything but how the muscles moved along Alec’s sides as he scrubbed his face with a towel. Adam wanted to know how his skin tasted with a yearning that felt absurd.

"I would too. Usually I don't get a chance to show off." If Jace found out about this, he'd probably show up just so Adam could see how terrible someone could be at archery to make Alec look better. He was never going to live this down since he was sure that his parabatai was looking for Izzy so they could gossip about Alec and his crush.

"We were. Do you want to talk about the ley line or the Downworld." Setting down the towel, he rubbed the back of his neck, pausing when he realized that Adam was watching him. Which should not make him want to stand around shirtless to see how long Adam would stare.

It really was like he was sixteen again... Except now someone was actually looking.

But wasn't Adam straight? No. He'd been supportive when Alec had mentioned the reaction to coming out. Adam had acted like his family hadn't approved either.

Pulling on his hoodie, he began zipping it up, looking up at Adam through his lashes. Gay? Bi? Fixated on his runes? Alec really needed to quit over-analyzing everything or he needed to ask Izzy how to know if a guy was interested in him. "There's a book that Shadowhunters read. It'd help you with the basics. I could lend you my copy."

Adam’s eyes locked on the zipper, fixated by the sight of Alec’s bare skin disappearing behind it. Realizing that he was staring, he pulled his eyes up with effort, only to find Alec gazing at him through those long lashes in a way that was deeply unfair. Adam’s heart stuttered, cheeks flaming as he held Alec’s eyes. He was pretty sure he was caught, because there was really no innocent way to explain why he was staring. He’d been caught staring before, but not often, and never inches away from that much bare skin.

He’d delayed too long answering the question, and it took substantial effort to remember what the question had been. “I’d like that,” he stammered, helpless and exposed.

He should have better control over his blushing. He'd spent years hiding every reaction to Jace and then struggling not to be too obvious about his interest in Magnus. His attempts had never been perfect, but they were better than this. He'd never blushed because a guy was looking at him. Not until now.

Adam was looking at him the way Magnus had. Not with the same confidence but with the same interest that had left Alec out of sorts, unsure of how to deal with someone noticing him and possibly being attracted to him.

Or how to deal with wanting to be noticed in a way that he'd been hiding from for years.

"I - uh - I can go get cleaned up and get the book." At least he finished the sentence with only minimal stuttering.

“Yeah,” Adam agreed, dropping his eyes. His mind immediately supplied an image of Alec showering, naked, water streaming down his body, wreathed with steam, and Adam banished it with effort. “Okay. I’ll be in my room.” He wanted to be alone, terrified of anyone seeing him like this, flustered and aroused. At least in his room he could find something to put over his lap.

Stealing one last glance at Alec, Adam retreated quickly, returning to his room and curling up on the bed in a sort of ecstatic agony. He’d never been so attracted to anyone. He’d never ached like this with a crush, yearning for Alec’s attention. It hurt, but he didn’t want it to stop.

He wasn’t sure if it was minutes or hours that he was like that, curled up and longing. When a knock came on the door, he sat up fast, grabbing the book from his nightstand to put over his lap just in case he needed it there. “Come in.”

Finally managing to control his blush, Alec began picking up his weapons and the rest of his gear. He was already planning a route through the Institute that would make it difficult for his siblings to track him down so they wouldn't tease him about Adam. "I'll meet you there."

As he put the seraph blades back on their rack, he looked over his shoulder, forcing himself not to smile when he realized that Adam was watching him. He really needed to quit acting like a silly teenager whenever Adam was around or there'd be another lecture about his duties and how coming out had changed him.

When everything was back in place, he took the less used route to his quarters, showering quickly and pulling on his less ragged clothes. Yep, Izzy was going to tease him constantly when she began to notice that he was acting differently. Or she was going to give him advice on how to talk to guys. He wasn't quite sure which situation would be worse. After finding the Codex among his old textbooks, he went to Adam's room, knocking tentatively on the door. When Adam said that he could come inside, he entered the room, making sure the door closed behind him.

Holding up the book, he smiled nervously before he noticed the book Adam was holding. "Am I interrupting? Do you have another assignment?"

“I always have another assignment,” Adam said, with a rueful smile. It was a relief to have Alec clothed again, and Adam felt a little more capable of coherent thought. He pulled his knees up a little, making space on the bed for Alec to sit. “This is important, too. Are you comfortable with us talking freely here?”

He’d noticed how careful Alec was with what they say and where, and he trusted Alec’s lead on this, but he didn’t know if simple walls provided privacy around Shadowhunters.

"College doesn't sound that much different from my training or all the paperwork I have to do." That was one thing he disliked about being in charge. The paperwork never seemed to end and it was a struggle to get time outside the Institute. That was a benefit to being Adam's guard. He could actually leave without feeling guilty about it.

Sitting down on the bed, he looked around the room, but he already knew that it was safe to talk in Adam's quarters. Before choosing the room, Alec had gone through it to make sure there were no cameras. "We record everything in the main areas, but bedrooms are off limits." Even Shadowhunters were allowed some privacy no matter how much the Clave liked to meddle. "It's rare, but Institutes are attacked so we have surveillance set up within the buildings and on the grounds. I didn't think you'd want certain things to become public knowledge."

“I appreciate that,” Adam said, eyes lingering on Alec. He set his book aside and crossed his legs, sitting forward, though he put the Codex on his lap instead, not trusting his body to behave itself while sitting on his bed next to his crush. “Do you want to ask questions, or do you want me to just talk?” he asked, then immediately thought of something Alec should know that Adam hadn’t yet had a chance to tell him. “I should tell you—I’m completely deaf in my left ear.”

"Your secrets are yours, Adam. I'll try not to push or ask you for information that you don't want to share." He hadn't liked having his own secrets thrown in his face so he'd try not to do the same to Adam. Alec knew he'd probably make mistakes, but he'd be trying to keep that promise.

"You're probably the one that has questions. You should ask first." Until they'd come crashing into Adam's life, he probably hadn't known about the Down World except from his work with the ley lines. Half the things that Alec mentioned probably went over his head.

It was probably polite to say 'I'm sorry' or something trite that really wouldn't help, but that didn't seem right. It would sound like pity, something that Alec was sure that Adam wouldn't appreciate. "That's why you're more careful of that side and move so that you're right side is closer when someone's speaking." Adam might not have even noticed that he did it, but Alec had caught the subtle shifts during their conversations. "I thought you were favoring an old injury. I'm sorry I didn't realize it before."

Adam was impressed by his attention to detail, and surprised how little it bothered him that Alec could read him so easily. “I should have mentioned it. It’s tactically important.”

His fingers traced over the book, thinking about what he wanted to know. “This will answer most of my questions.” The things he wanted to know were all more intangible. Do you still think about your warlock? Do you keep in touch? “Why is it,” he asked, voice quiet as he secured the question that he wanted to know, “that you’ve encouraged me to work for your organization, even though you’ve made clear that you don’t trust them?”

"It would have helped," he admitted. They might have been in danger if they'd been attacked and Adam couldn't hear, but Alec understood why it was something that wouldn't seem obvious to explain. Adam was probably used to compensating for his deafness or he didn't want to admit that possible weakness to someone he didn't trust. Probably Mundanes didn't accept such things as easily as some Shadowhunters would when everyone knew someone who had been seriously injured in battle and had to work through recovery.

"Later we'll have to figure out how much it'll hinder us if we're somewhere loud." Us, not you. They were a team now and Alec would have to learn to watch Adam's back the way he had with Jace. "Since I can't communicate with you through glares like I can with Jace, we may have to do some things differently."

It took a moment for Alec to realize that he was watching Adam draw patterns across the cover of the Codex. Forcing his attention away, he swallowed hard, telling himself that he was not supposed to stare at the guy he was guarding. "It's not the best source. Shadowhunters have their own bias and we don't know as much about Downworlders as we think." Magnus had proven that and Simon continued to defy the stereotypes related to vampires.

"The Institute and the Clave are two different things. The Institute is the place I grew up. It's where my family lives. My community. The Clave governs us. They enforce the Laws, but they're afraid of anything that's different." He paused, starting to pick at the knee of his jeans. "You know what people in power do when they're afraid." Looking over at Adam, his expression hardened as he remembered Izzy's trial. "They tell us to follow the Law but they ignore it whenever it's convenient and it gets them what they want. We almost lost Izzy because all they cared about was their power, not what was right."

Adam watched him with shy, lingering glances. He appreciated how respectful Alec was of Adam’s secrets, and was amazed by how easily Alec trusted him despite those secrets. It impressed him how much Alec noticed and correctly surmised. He was as intelligent as he was skilled, remarkable in every way, including his loyalty, and ferocity, and gentleness. Adam thought about kissing him, and how easy it would be to lean forward and taste Alec’s lips. But that wouldn’t be fair to Alec, who already carried so many burdens. Adam wasn’t about to ask him to carry the burden of being gentle with Adam’s crush.

“You’re going to be Head of the Institute,” Adam said, after a long and thoughtful pause. “And you’re going to use that power and stability to be a force of balance to the Clave. It’d be easier to disown it, or even to destabilize it. But you’re going to work tirelessly to make it better.” To protect Izzy and Jace, and Adam, and his Institute, and the city. Maybe even to protect the Clave itself. Adam didn’t understand it, but he saw it clearly in the way Alec handled duty. Loyalty went hand in hand with his sense of fairness and justice.

He was a different kind of king than Gansey, but Adam saw that same nobility in him. Alec was born to lead, and Adam wanted earnestly to belong at his side. The thought was followed immediately by the wrenching reminder that he no longer had a place at Gansey’s side. Alec would put him aside just as easily, when his warlock came back, or whenever the next love of his life came along. Sooner or later, Alec would realize that his path didn’t need Adam as anything but the magician beneath his Institute.

"Maybe. It's still not certain yet. The Lightwoods have a few stains on the family honor." Ones that Alec had foolishly thought a marriage would remove. At least Magnus had helped him come to his senses before he'd done something that would have made three people miserable for the rest of their lives. "Finding Valentine helped. You helping with the ley line will too, but there's no guarantee that they'll choose me."

But what Adam suggested... no more than suggested. He acted as if he knew that would be true. Like somehow he had a peek at what the future might be. Alec almost asked him if he had the gift of prophecy but thought better of it. Knowing the future wouldn't make it true and it might make him complacent. "We've seen what destabilizing it would do and there's still good in our Laws and the Accords. Our original purpose is right, but members of the Clave have forgotten what our duties are supposed to be." It probably didn't make sense. Especially to an outsider, but it did to Alec.

"All of this is probably weird to you and you're trusting me when - " When Alec had threatened to hurt him. "I'm sorry about before. I know now that you wouldn't... You wouldn't hurt Izzy, Jace, and Max." He normally didn't trust people so easily. He still didn't completely trust Clary but Adam had slipped through his defenses somehow. That should be terrifying but he'd spoken the truth. Adam wouldn't hurt them. "And now that I've felt some of what you do with the ley line, I know you wouldn't hurt the Institute."

“I don’t react well to threats,” Adam acknowledged, because he hadn’t reacted very well, and they’d fought. “But l don’t want you to be sorry for it. That threat made me respect you. I was impressed. You’re formidable.” His hands strayed restlessly over the cover of of the book, then crept forward to pluck at the bed. His fingers wouldn’t stay still, but Adam didn’t care as long as they kept from touching Alec.

“My friend Gansey—my best friend—was on a quest to find a dead Welsh king, said to be sleeping on the ley line. We thought to wake it up, to lead us to him, but it was more complicated than that. More dangerous than that. And there were others who wanted to wake the ley line, to take advantage of its power. We all knew that it took a sacrifice to wake the ley line.” Adam’s expression was distant as he spoke, gazing at a spot on the bed between them. “The others, they thought that meant murder. My Latin teacher... he murdered one of my friends. Would have murdered more of us, probably. Ronan and Gansey. None of them understood what sacrifice meant. So I did what had to be done.”

Adam turned over his hands, gazing at the palms. “I sacrificed myself.”

"It might have made you respect me but there were other ways I could have earned your respect." It hadn't been Adam's fault that he'd hit the one subject that would automatically make him aggressive. "I've been the one who had to protect them since we were kids. I've been protecting Izzy and Max - my little brother - since they were born." Even when he was barely able to walk, he had been ready to stand guard over Izzy and make sure that nothing hurt her. "When I was ten, I promised that I wouldn't let anyone hurt Jace again." Again. Damn. If Jace found out he said that, he'd be in trouble.

Trying to find a dead Welsh king should probably seem weird but considering the things he'd seen and done as a Shadowhunter, it didn't seem that strange. "It's always more complicated than you think." Like tracking spells to find lost parabatai and saving the world by locating a magical cup. "And more dangerous." The sacrifice to wake the line made him think of the one beneath the Institute. Would it take something similar... He began to ask why Adam's friends would think they'd have to murder someone when he realized that Adam meant someone else. The teacher who betrayed them like Hodge would have if they hadn't caught him.

Alec tried to think of the right words to say that he was sorry that Adam's friend died, that he'd been betrayed by someone he should have been able to trust. Instead he focused on how Adam's hands couldn't stay still as he described what had happened.

He remembered how frantic Jace had sometimes been when he'd told Alec about 'Michael' and how he'd wanted Alec's presence but sometimes didn't know how to deal with having someone near. Slowly he moved his hand so that it was beside Adam's, an offer of support if he wanted it. "I would do the same." For his family and his parabatai. "Sacrificing something that isn't important to you is easy. It's being willing to be the one to have everything taken away that's hard."

Edited 2019-01-02 05:10 (UTC)

Adam stared at the hand, and then, more warily, at Alec. No one had offered him validation for what he’d done. Adam still believed that it had been necessary, and didn’t regret any of it. But he also still remembered Gansey’s face, and the sorrow on it. All of them had expressed regret and worry, and they’d all been careful with him after that, once he’d become strange and dangerous. Validation was alien to him.

Still staring at Alec’s hand like it was some kind of feral animal, Adam moved his own hand, touching his fingertips to Alec’s palm. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, but his hand decided for him, choosing contact. Alec’s hand was warm. Adam felt his cheeks heat, and he very carefully didn’t look up, afraid that the compulsion to kiss Alec might be overwhelming if he did.

If he hadn't had years of experience with Jace, he probably would have been insulted by how Adam looked at him. But being ten years old and having to deal with a wild, angry boy who was grieving for his father, he'd learned not to take things personally and to be patient. If Adam wanted the contact, he'd accept it. If he didn't, it didn't mean that he didn't want Alec near him. It was just how he felt in this moment, or while caught up in the past.

He remained still as Adam explored his hand, forcing himself to keep from curling his fingers beneath the light touch. At least not until Adam decided he wanted the contact, curling around Adam's to help anchor him in the present. Noticing the color that had spread across Adam's cheeks, he made sure not to comment on it or move his hand. Or ask if he was blushing over holding hands with him or because he'd told Alec something personal. "I've never had to make a sacrifice like what you did, but I've given up everything I've wanted since... Since I can remember. Even the wedding was a sacrifice.

I don't want you to have to make the kind of sacrifice you made before for us. If that's what it takes to fix the ley line, we'll leave things the way they are." Or Alec would make that choice instead of Adam.

“It’s the same ley line,” Adam explained. “I already have the connection to it. No more sacrifice needed, aside from the ongoing sacrifices of time and effort. The work required to restore it.” That was what sacrifice meant to Adam, after all. Time and effort. He was giving his life for the ley line a day at a time.

Looking up at Alec with a thoughtful, inscrutable expression, Adam studied him for a minute. “What do you want?” he asked, simply, wondering what desires Alec had sacrificed. He cared about Alec now, and wanted to know about the things Alec wanted, and to see if any of those things were within Adam’s power to grant.

Alec wanted to ask about the original sacrifice but that was another one of those subjects he knew better than to discuss. It was probably the type of secret that Adam wanted to keep to himself. When Adam was ready - if he was ever ready - he'd tell Alec about that sacrifice.

"I don't think of time and effort as a sacrifice." But Adam went to college and had a job. He had a normal life or wanted one. "But I was raised that I was always supposed to give those for my duties."

When Adam asked that question, Alec began to give the automatic answers he would if Mayrse had asked. The one that included being Head of the Institute. "I don't know. I'm the eldest. I'm supposed to give up everything to protect my family." Izzy's comments about crowns came to mind. So did the image of Magnus asking him to do something for himself for once. "I used to wish that I could have the choices my siblings had."

Adam took his hand back when the answer Alec gave him was little better than a platitude. He didn’t go far, simply resting his hands on the bed between them, still near to Alec’s hand.

All the same, he couldn’t fault Alec for it. Adam had spent all his life focused on surviving and building something above and beyond mere survival. He’d had no time for fun or relationships. He hadn’t had time for friends, either, but Gansey’s friendship was valuable enough to him that he made compromises for it.

“You know there’s an inherent contradiction in that?” Adam asked, and as soon as he said it, he wished he hadn’t. It was one of those things that always started fights with Gansey, Adam’s unwillingness to accept hypocrisy. But since he’d said it, he had to elaborate. “What’s best for your parents versus what’s best for the Institute. Your duty as a Shadowhunter versus keeping your siblings safe.” He paused, wishing again that he hadn’t crossed that line.

He was starting to be himself. Before he came out, he never would have acknowleged the jittery feeling in his chest when Adam was watching him. He wouldn't have let himself try to be friends with someone. Letting himself be interested in someone other than the attraction he'd felt for Jace would have been impossible.

And then Adam had to say something that reminded him of what Maryse would have told him if he'd voiced that wish to her. "I know there's a contradiction." His voice taking on the same level tone he used during her lectures. "That's why I'm not allowed to have what I want. I've only made one selfish choice and I'll be paying for it for years." He didn't regret it, but he knew the cost. Again, he thought of Izzy and her usual description of his life, seeming to fit the situation since they'd talked about kings before. "Heavy is the head who wears the crown," he said under his breath.

Best to change the subject to one that was easier to deal with. "The Codex will give you the basics on the different types of Downworlders and about Nephilim culture."

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